I've been stressing & beating myself up over something the past couple of months & just wanted to see if anyone has ever been there. I've been feeling guilty or bad mother"ish" because I feel like I don't take my boys out enough. I think it started with my (now)18 month old suddenly starting to go through a spell of stranger anxiety. One of the last times I took them to Target he started crying as soon as we walked through the door so I ended up carrying him the rest of the time we were there. If anyone "new" comes over to the house and says hello to him he will just burst into tears. Eventually he's fine, but definitely not at first. He did this with my mother in law for the longest time. My poor little guy will get upset when we're in the car picking up the dry cleaning or at the CVS drive thru window. So I guess gradually I started shying away from going many places with them. There is really never anywhere that we NEED to go to during the day, but I'd like to. I grocery shop on Sundays so my husband is here with them. I feel like such a terrible mom for feeling like this, but I think it's just come on gradually and I didn't realize it. I do know I just need to start doing those things more and he will get used to it. All, of course, dependent on whether or not they are even away at the same time. It's usually one down, one up. Well since my 2.5 year old hasn't taken a nap in like a week he's usually up, but when my 18 month old does wake up the last thing I'm thinking about is running to the store. I think about the same time my little one started with the stranger anxiety my 2.5 year old woke up one day and was like "oh I'm 2 now...ok" so that was like an overnight change too. I am so ocd about the way the house looks and having everything picked up, the kitchen clean, Christmas tree up, clothes put away, doing all of our financial stuff (I'm our financial planner ;-) not really but keeping up with all of the bills, who is teething and is ready for advil......on and on I know we all do these things. I hope to God this doesn't sound like I'm like oh poor me!! That's not it at all. I get it ALL done and the way it should be done. My babies are happy & we are too. I just get stressed sometimes about everything. And the whole getting out of the house more has been bugging me for a while. All of my friends just have one baby so I really don't have anyone to vent to. My husband is so so wonderful & I don't know what I'd do without him, but it's just something that you need to vent to other mom's about. Thank you for "listening" to my mini drama fest!
Reading all of these really did make me feel better! Thank you all so much for taking the time to help a mama out! :-)
I don't think anyone takes out little kids as much as we feel we should. Lets face it we may love them but we know not everyone does.
I remember a point where I went out with them and thought it isn't so bad. After that we did a lot outside of the house. You just have to hit that point.
It could be worse you could be dragging them all over the place driving everyone around you nuts therefore becoming "that mom". :)
:0)
I don't blame you for avoiding situations that trigger a meltdown and I have ONE child.
I definitely hear you. But the last thing you need to stress about is getting them out of the house. I used to feel bad about it all the time too but I think we have similar personalities. I'm happy at home. Meanwhile there was a lot of pressure from friends and family to get out more and socialize the kids. Everyone told me to join a mom's group or go to the mall, and honestly I just was not interested. I always clung to those 1 or 2 voices who assured me kids are not even developing social skills at 18 months. My boys are 3 and 4 now and both of them are thriving in pre-school with plenty of normal social interaction. It sounds to me like you're an organized Mom who is doing what comes naturally, so keep at it! But beware - the guilt keeps coming anyway!
My son went through a terrible time at around 3 years old when he *hated* attending anything where other kids were present. It sucked, big time. Esp. because most of my social life during the daytime was other moms.
Don't get down on yourself, though. It is hard to be at home all day with the kids, and that feeling of difficulty can change as the kids get older, for different reasons.
Can you find one thing you'd like to do, just for yourself, at least once a week? I had a small meltdown last night when my husband came home. I was hungry, cooking dinner, and he told me his boss had taken him out to lunch at a really nice restaurant I've been hearing about for years. After that, I was ready to give my (usually terrific) guy a plate of Cold Nothing for dinner. We talked later, and I told him that I didn't really have anything for myself right now; so much of my time is family-centered. (My son is at preschool as I type right now. Thank heavens!)
So, that's my two bits-- see if you can find something you can do just for you at least once a week. If it means taking two boys out so you can get a walk, bundle them up in a stroller and go. Maybe it's going to a cafe or the library and reading, or meeting up with a girlfriend on the weekend, sans kids, for a cup of coffee or a drink. Whatever it is that fills you up-- see how you can work that into your life.
We've all been there-- you have my heartfelt empathy. I hate those moments too!
Well, this is how i see it... It is a stage that will pass with TIME, and I don't think the frequency of seeing strangers or not seeing them will change that. If there was an experiment done, and one child was exposed more to "get used to" strangers and get rid of anxiety, and the other child was kept away mostly from strangers during their stranger-anxiety phase, I'd guess they'd both get over it around the same time. I've got four whipper-snappers and I'm with them ALL the time (I also babysit, and was a nanny to several kids in the past), I like to think I've got their behaviors down to a science- I'm pretty good at figuring them out:)
As for all the other stresses, they are normal, but try your best not to focus on stuff you cannot change at the moment
You aren't doing anything wrong at all. The less stressed out YOU are, the better. Take it easy on yourself!
Have you discussed your son, with his doctor? I would definitely do that. And I would also try to go out, even to little places, or your son will continually be scared to go to new places. What happens when it is time for kindergarten? That will be horrible if he is screaming and crying when you are just trying to drop him off at school. And even though I know it is anxiety, your other child will probably try to mimick the other, and it could turn into a mess. Talk with your doctor, you need to figure out something, so you can go out and socialize with other moms. You need this, give yourself a break, since you are so good with keeping up on the house and everything else. You don't want to be cooped up forever.
When I think of taking toddlers "out," I'm not thinking out shopping. To me, and probably for most kids, a shopping trip is an errand, not a pleasure. Kids don't generally find this interesting or rewarding or even very educational.
But exposure to the outdoors is beneficial to mental health of both child and parent; it tends to help kids center and be calmer, it exercises their muscles and expends excess physical energy and feels good to the body. So "out" with my grandson can mean a trip to a park or playground, around the block on his scooter, or even chasing around the back yard for an hour.
If you start planning outings that won't necessarily run into other people, your son will probably begin to think of "going out" in pleasant and relaxed terms. Once he develops that basic appreciation, he will probably be less traumatized by bumping into the occasional neighbor and pausing to chat for a minute.
I suggest you start with baby steps so you don't begin to close down your own horizons. Try just 15-30 minute forays into your back yard or the surrounding neighborhood. Take time yourself to notice the pleasure of sun on your face, beautiful trees and sky and clouds, the rustle of wind – describe out loud your pleasant experiences to your son, so he can begin to notice, enjoy and relax. I'll bet in a matter of a couple of weeks, you will both find these times special and worthwhile, and will probably want to extend your adventures.
Actually, 18 months is the "typical" time for stranger anxiety to set in. It is something I dealt with both my kiddos even taking them to child care everyday. around 12- 18 months they start to "get" what an unfamilar face is and (in my case) realizing I was dropping them off.
I kept doing it and they eventually got over it.
don't beat yourself up over it - your kids will grow up just fine in spite of what you do (lol, something that was told to my MIL who told me and I love it!). If the opportunity arises, get him out. If it doesn't, don't.
Kids are different, personalities are different. He may also just be a shy child and that's OK.
Hang in there!!
The best way for him to get over being afraid is to get him out. Take him out to places he will only see a few people daily. Take him to kid friendly places and let the people there know he is afraid and to stay at a distance. When he sees he is safe he will calm down. For instance take him to a store or the library when you know it won't be real busy. He will see that no one is paying any attention to him. If you don't keep taking him out he will continue to be afraid.
As far as the feeling that you need to be 'perfect' STOP. Learn to accept 'good enough'. There are counselors and books that you can seek out to help you understand that no one is perfect --no one has perfect homes -- no one has perfect families. The idea that everything has to be perfect will have you driving yourself nutty. If you continue to try to be perfect all the time you will start looking for anti-anxiety meds or antidepressents and that is not good for you or your kids.
I'm wondering if you ever wear him in a carrier. My middle child was very shy and had terrible stranger anxiety, but when I started wearing him more often, especially when we'd go on errands, he became more confident. I think him being tightly secured to me while other people interacted with me/us made him realize that the person wasn't going to try to take him away from me. You might want to try that. If you need a suggestion for a good carrier, I LOVE my ERGO, but have also done very well with the Sleepy Wrap.
