I Have Two Boys and Am Afraid They Will Bond with Dad and Not with Me.

I think what you're feeling is normal but try not to let it consume you. Kids go in and out of their preferences and you shouldn't take it personally if they lean towards their dad. My daughter is almost 2 and she's crazy about her dad. I'm with her all day but that doesn't seem to deter her from that preference. I think she likes being with her dad because she doesn't see him as often so when he is around, he becomes her world. I don't mind because it gives me a chance to breathe. You'll always be important to them and even if they don't 'worship' you, they still love you.

Don't worry mom your boys love you and they will learn how to balance their love for you and their father. I know how you feel but it is important to acknowledge how important it is for your boys to have a solid relationship with their father it sets their foundation as to how to treat and respect women, make decisions etc...What I think you should do is maybe pick out one time during the week just for you and the boys maybe take them to the park, a gym class, play a video game with them...something that can be just for you and your boys. Hang in there mom, they love you.

D.,

I am close to your age and live in your neighborhood. I sympathize with your feelings because I have been a bit insucure when my husband is able to illicit smiles daily from our 7 month old daughter when he plays with her. The desire to have your child bond significantly with you is natural no matter what their gender. I feel like I'm just a breast to her sometimes! But I've grown to appreciate that we each have different things to offer her. That is why children are intended to have two parents. My husband is really good at tickling and making funny noises. I'm good at soothing and comforting her. Try to open your eyes to the times that your boys go to you for something that they don't get from their father. It is not an indication that they love one more than the other. I trust that over time you will see the balance in their relationship with you and their father. And listen to that part of you that seems to know this already. Don't give the fearful voices too much room in your head! More often than not, voices of fear aren't telling the truth.

I remember once reading an article about a mom who had similar feelings. Even though she spent lots of time with her kids, they still seemed to prefer dad. As others have mentioned, this can sometimes be because the dad doesn't spend time with them. But this mom in the article came to realize that she was the one they turned to when they had a scraped knee, etc.

Also, growing up my mom was very involved with us and was always there, so I think I sort of took her for granted. My dad, on the other hand, was very busy with work and not nearly as involved emotionally, so I always desperately wanted his attention and love. Now that I'm older and have better perspective, my mom is the one that I am very close with. I love my dad but recognize that any walls between us are on his side, not mine.

And I think it's worth repeating what someone else said - don't make loving you and your husband a competition. Kids will love both their parents, although they may express that love differently. They may be sensing your desperation for their love. Also, the saying that life is a self-fulfilling prophecy is often true. It sounds like you have been looking for signs since your children were born that they love your husband more than you, so you're probably ignoring the signs on the other side of things.

Good luck!!

Hi D.. First I'm going to start with your last statement about needing to work. That's just the guilt that we usually feel as working mothers. No need to feel guilty about that. That just shows your boys how it is to be a productive woman, and they will have a healthy appreciation for women once they get older and understand her need to work, or maybe just her desire to do so, once they get old enough to appreciate it.

As for the bonding situation, yes it is important for boys to bond with their fathers, but it's just as important for them to bond with their mothers. You are the one to set the example for the type of women they are likely to be most attracted to in the future. You are the model that they base their interactions with women on.

You're trying too hard, and the anxiety that you're feeling is coming through to them, and so maybe they're feeling smothered by the attention that you're trying to give them instead of relaxed. Kids pick up on the smallest vibes from us and act accordingly. Have you ever tried participating in the activities that they share with their father? Stop thinking that this is a competition between the two of you for their attention. Just relax and just be!!! That's the best advice I can give you. Just be mom and enjoy your sons, and you will see that they will start to gravitate more to you. Just make the time that you spend with them a natural encounter, and things will get better.

Most of all STOP the guilty feelings because we don't need to be around our children 24 hours a day for them to appreciate us as parents. I truly hope, no I KNOW that things will work out for you. Talk to your husband about how you're feeling, and go on family outings when possible so that you can see how relaxed he is with them.

Take care of yourself and R-E-L-A-X!!!

I have two boys 5 and 3 and they are total mama's boys. I believe all boys are. Sure they ask for dad and spend time with dad, but at the end of the day you are the only queen in the castle. I think you should worry less and enjoy them and enjoy the time their with your husband and all will be great. I just found out I am having a thrid boy and I couldn't be happier.

I agree 100% with Ellen E. You shouldn't be feeling like you've given up everything in your life for them. That's not a healthy way of thinking for you or for your children. It doesn't sound like your enjoying your kids at all! It really sounds like you need professional counseling to resolve some emotional issues you've got regarding parenting. And your whole family will benefit from having a happier, more confident mom! Good luck.

I think you are putting your own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy on your kids. Of course they will love you and want to be with you. Boys always love their mothers. They also love and want to be like their dads, especially as they get older and are able to start emulating them. I think you are feeling guilty about working and not getting to see them as much. Maybe you should try to have a special outing on the weekends so that you spend time with them. Don't push yourself on them or they will feel smothered. There is nothing wrong with your sons and they are too young to be hurtful. Their actions are normal for their age. But if you still feel so stressed about this, I would suggest that you get some counseling.

Girls are worse! My daughter adores her dad. My son is the mama's boy.

Dear D., I understand your concern. Boys need to bond with dad and they will always be mom's boys. I have four sons and one daughter, trust me. The best thing you can do is be fun to be around and not uptight. They are still so young. There are other things you can be concerned about now. Some stick around even after they marry, unless the wife is not into family. Sadly, you cannot control any of this. Just try to enjoy them every minute you can because they do grow fast. Many good wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi D.,

It's worse with girls. If you have a loving relationship with your husband the kids will love him. My daugther was and still is crazy about her father. I was jealous a little at first, but not of my daughter it was that I didn't have a father who gazed lovingly at me and thought I was smart and beautiful. Also, my daughter tried to wait up for him since she could walk and always and still becomes so excited when she heard the door or his voice. I than patted myself on the back for giving what I didn't have, but dreamt about to my child. Boys are closer to their mothers. I think its wrong to entertain kids, because you want them to like you. That's parenting out of guilt and nothing good will come out of that.

Maybe the real issue is that you "have to work" due to financial reasons and you maybe would like to have more time with your boys. Face that issue and let the children love you and their husband, don't let it become a competition.

Lastly, have another child if you want, but it might be another boy. Don't assume girls are easier. It's the child, plus gender, plus personality, plus birth order. You have to work on your relationship with yourself - you seem extremely insecure for thirty - seven, which is my age by the way. Something deeper seems to be there... abandonment issues maybe?

I have a girl who is extremely close to her father.
I would love to have a couple of boys - like you.
K.