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I do not think I would be able to confront my GM with this either. I would however distance myself from her. She continues to betray you and I just can not understand that. Even if I thought you were wrong and were keeping the kids from their father, I still would not sneak around my grand child's back. Where does her loyalty lie?

I guess for me, I wouldn't talk to her about it. But I'm more like you, I don't like confrontation either. I would stop visiting her and stop talking to her and just essentially cut her out of my life.

I can understand what you are saying, she has been there for you in the past, but most recently she has betrayed you in a very serious and hurtful way. For me this would not be acceptable.

I'd stop calling, I'd stop going over, and I'd not acknowledge her in my life anymore - and certainly DO NOT leave the kids alone with her. She will know why.

She will probably reach out to you to ask what is wrong, because the ex will be wondering why he can't communicate with his children through her anymore. Then you need to be honest with her and tell her why you don't come over, that you don't trust her with your kids regarding your ex, that you have custody and he does not for a reason and you are doing your best to help your family (i.e. you, your hubbie and kids) heal and that this is not acceptable.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Just because people are family doesn't mean we must include them in our lives! Personally, knowing everything that you know about what your grandmother is capable of in this situation, I wouldn't confront her about it but would simply disappear from her life.

Really, what good would a confrontation do in the end? She's not going to change-she has proven that, she doesn't respect court orders, doesn't respect your family's privacy, etc. It would just give her more to blab about to people that you would want hearing those kinds of things about you.

Unless your girls are teens or older, leave them out of the conversations. This isn't something they need to be involved in or even know about. Even if the kids are older, they don't need all the details. Keep it simple and only what they would absolutely need to know (which isn't much).

If they ask about visiting grandma I would give them some excuse to the effect of "grandma has a lot going on right now so it's not a good time".

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I agree about the counseling. Your husband's reasoning is sound, but get some counseling help before you do any conferring with your grandmother.

The reason is because there's a war on, and she is on the side of your ex-husband.

You will need to know how to approach her properly, if you do that, and how to respond to her counterattacks (there will be some).

Of course you're crying. This is your own grandmother! You're grieving the loss of a very important relationship. You're also afraid, I think, that your words will have the wrong effect and that anything that happens will be your fault. Counseling is definitely in order.

I think it is best that you distant yourself from her even more than you have been. This inculdes your children also. When the girls ask to see her, simply tell them that we can't do that today, no need to explain it any farther.

Then I would write your grandma a letter and explain everything to her that way. That way you can correct anything you want/ need to. You can get everything you need to say to her out with out her interupting you or not being able to get out what you mean how you mean it. This will help you heal and you can see how everything plays out after she has read it and contacts you. Maybe it will be best that you tell her so she understand everything!

Some times things need to be done in person but this time I think its important enough that it should be done in writing.

Good luck!

I can definately sympathize with you. While my experiences were not the same, they are similiar in that people you believe you can trust don't know how to keep things to themselves so you wind up not talking to/trusting in anyone and that can get lonely.

I agree with your hubby. You need to talk to your grandmother...don't accuse her just talk to her. "Grandma, I need to have a conversation with you. I don't need you to say anything but I do need you to hear me out and hopefully understand where I am coming from. This is hard for me but I need to get it out in the open. I love you dearly and I know you have done a lot for me and my girls and try to do what you think is best. That is why it is hard for me to say this, because I know you mean well. I know that you ask the girls if they want to call their dad, show them pictures, and facilitate seeing their dad. This can not go on any longer. I am their mother and I get to determine what is best for them. Together with the court, we have stipulations in place that have to happen in order for him to resume parenting visits. Circumventing these things does not encourage the right steps to be taken nor is it beneficial to the kids. The girls and I will continue to have a relationship with you; however, they will no longer be left unattended because I can not trust you to abide by the court order or my wishes."

Share nothing you don't want repeated.

I understand how this hurts. He has her convinced he is the wronged party here. Plus his whole family is involved.

I would say you guys need to keep the kids from grandma's for a while and when she asks how everyone is doing just say general things like everyone is fine.

I would not tell her anything about the kids day, how they are doing in school, etc...

I would also realize if you allow them to be with her alone they are going to be at risk. So stop doing that to your kids. If you don't want them to be in this position then stop. Don't do it anymore. If they want to visit stay with them and make it a family visit.

I would also give her a copy of the decree. Showing her what the judge said. I would also talk to an attorney to file contempt of court on the biological since he is breaking the court order.

He is breaking the law if he is seeing his children somewhere outside of the parameters of the decree. I would also point out to grandma she may be at risk of being brought in on charges of helping him in this way.

Whenever you list more than one thing someone is doing wrong it feels like an attack adn never gets anywhere. Instead of listing what shes done why not take her out to lunch around mothers day without the girls and tell her you feel sad that your relationship has changed ever since the divorce and explain how it hurt you that she took your ex's side and maybe give her some info she may not know about him to help her understand. Then talk about what you both need to do to get back on track and also thank her for all that she's done for you and your kids. Acknowledge the good and talk about what you can do to bond again
Also if she keeps triguring your kids I would explain how it hurts them and requre that to stop

I know this is super hard, but it is really important to have the conversation with her!!! Especially if you ever will consider leaving the girls at her house alone!

An idea on how to start is to say something like this. "Grandma, I am very upset right now. I have found out that you are communicating things about our life to my ex, showing his picture to the girls and ___________" This is not ok. You are someone that I trust and I need to be sure that sending the girls here is SAFE. When you keep reminding them of him it is hard for them to heal emotionally. When you mention things to him or his mom, then it just stirs up drama - and we don't need that, we are trying to heal. I love you and you having a relationship with you is important to me. Its also important to me that the girls have a relationship with you. But I will not allow this to continue. I need to have assurance from you that this WILL not continue, or I will have to set up some boundaries about when/how the girls and I spend time with you."

It might work better to write a letter, I know that can seem like a cop-out, but it will assure you that you communicate ALL the points you want to make, and that she hears them all, AND that you don't chicken out. :) If you feel its best to do this face to face instead, then write it all out and maybe condense it down to a short list of key words/ideas and take that list with you so you make sure you cover everything.

It is important to listen to your husband on this one. Someone outside the family sometimes can see the inter-family relationship issues better. Your relationship with him and your daughters is primary to everyone else, so whatever it takes to be on the same page with your husband (within reason of course) should be done. The other family member relationships are important, but only if they are emotionally supportive of your core family unit.

It does not sound like your Grandma is supportive of your family, she obviously wishes you were with your ex instead. I would ask her point blank if that is what she desires. She needs to be honest with her feelings as well, because that is the only way to heal this relationship. There has been betrayal with your family, and it sounds like you are trying to be the bigger person and reconnect with them. That is admirable, but in reestablishing relationships where there is betrayal, there need to be clear boundaries to help ensure that you don't get walked on again. It might be emotionally easier to just be nice to everyone and accept them again. BUT, there will be the underlying issues and they will keep creeping up. Listen to your husband, he's seeing stuff that you might not have noticed (maybe you're just used to living like this and its a "normal"), but its really important to deal with it!!!

Best wishes - this sounds really hard, but I know you will be thankful you did it in the end!!!

I feel very strongly that a child should have a connection to their families... However, after reading this, and thinking about, I really agree 100% with Gingermom. The best that could happen is that nothing changes, and the worst is that all of the information you share with Grandma is used against you after she shares it inappropriately with your ex's family.

I think that you should just tell her, in a letter, the facts & consequences: that due to the fact that she is not respecting the court-ordered stipulations regarding visitation and contact with your ex/the girls' father, you can no longer visit her or share personal information of any kind with her. Then, sadly, I suggest cutting off all contact with her. The letter is the least emotional way for you--she can't confront you or berate you or guilt you, etc. If you want to make sure she gets it, send it certified via the post office. She'll have to sign for it then, and you'll know she got it.

So my mom is manipulative and although my situation is nothing like yours, she will deny everything. The worst part, she either makes herself believe it or she really does believe it....same outcome either way. I can't talk to her to save my life. She gets pissed and walks away. She turns it around and blames me. Just be prepared for that. I limit how much time my kids get with her, especially alone.

You might tell her that you are going to counseling (if not, start) and that the counselor wants to talk to her as well. Discuss those things in front of the counselor. She will be held more accountable if someone else is there. Or just bring your husband with you when you talk to her. Be prepared and organized with what you need to say and have example ready, if need me. Prepare this like a speech in college. For your health, you need to communicate things.

For the sake of the girls, do what YOU think is best for them. End of story.

Remind Grandma again the grounds upon which your claims for divorce were valid - one of which should be that your marriage was detrimental to the girls, and that there is a reason why ex has lost custody.

I suggest you have a discussion with everyone in the room - Grandma and the girls. Let Grandma know in front of the girls you know what's going on, even if everyone deny's it. Let the girls know Grandma isn't respecting Mommy's rules and for their sake, you may have to cease visitation for a time. Grandma will think twice about contacting ex when she knows what she is doing isn't a secret anymore. And she won't have to think more than once in allowing future contact if you explain to her how sad you'll be if you have to restrict the girls' visits to her house. Set the ground rules - if the girls come over, they are there to visit Grandma, not catch up with ex.

so sorry you are going through this, i too went thru a bad divorced in 2000 and it was horrible. while no one likes confrontation, i think you have every right to confront your grandmother on what she is doing. she has no right to take anyone's side, she should just have remained nuetral on the whole thing. i agree with your hb now, you need to get this off your chest and start to heal and i honestly feel with you carrying that around with you, it will slowly start to affect you in ways you never imagined. you feel betrayed by your grandmother and i would too! if she is coherent enough to know she is doing wrong by keeping your ex phone # around and pictures around your girls, then she is coherent enough for you to tell what she is doing wrong and "own it"... do you know what i mean? good luck to you and god bless!

I think your husband is right and you should have a talk with your grandma. Why does she do it? And make sure you don't share any information with her that you don't want your ex to know.
Good luck!