Anyway, my husband and I have been married 2 years, and together six years. We have a beautiful one year old daughter. Anyway, from the beginning his family has never accepted me. They have been rude, and hateful, and tried to come in the way of our marriage. I realize that at sometimes me and my husband didn't handle things the way that we should of. but, its hard to be the bigger person why you are always getting called names, and put down right to your face. My parents have tried stepping in but, that did no good. We have had 2 family "discussions" and both ended up in fights, and made things worse. I think the worst thing about the whole situation is that none of his family want anything to do with our daughter, and we live in the same town as them. My husband is completely done with the situation and wants nothing more to do with his family. While there was a time when I would of been grateful for this, I also don't want my child to hurt from it. But the thing that just hurts most about the situation, is that they don't care for our daughter, and haven't from day one. After 6 years I have realized that they are never going to accept me (keep in mind that I have never done anything except keep their son out late, and up on the phone late, and then of course me moved in together before marriage) but none of those things were totally my fault. I am very quiet around people I don't know, so they really haven't had the chance to get to know me. Everytime I do talk to one of his sisters, they change my words all around, so I just stay away from that. Anyway my question is what should I do. When my husband wants nothing to do with them, they want nothing to do with us? Is there anything that I can? Its just sad they haven't even seen my daughter since she was 5 months old
MY TRUE FEELING ON THIS.... WHY NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND.. HE KNOWS HIS FAMILY BETTER THAN YOU. BESIDES IS THIS RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOUR DAUGHTER AND THE GRAND PARENTS TRULY HEALTY. DOESN'T SOUND LIKE. JUST STAY AWAY, AND PRAY THAT SOMEDAY THEY WILL REALIZE WHAT THEY HAVE MISSED AND COME A ROUND WITH LOVE TOWARDS YOUR CHILD. THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE
Dear Julia,
I am going to give you some free therapy since I am a therapist. Your husband is absolutely right. If he wants nothing to do with them then why aren't you supporting him?! He is supporting you by standing up for you, and all you want to be is a doormat for more torture? Is that what you want your children to see? Why are you trying so hard to please everyone else. Your inlaws sound horrible. You want to subject your beautiful, innocent, and impressionable children to that? The only person confused here is you. Your inlaws have thier mind made up, and so does your husband. You need to make a commitment to making yourself happy--which is probably focusing on your husband and your children. Lots of children grown up knowing that they have grandparents who are emotionally unstable and emotionally unhealthy and that's why they don't see them. Educate your children to that fact. Stay away from namecalling, and educate your kids to thier emotionally inability to heal. Kids really do understand after you repeat it enough times. Take care of YOUR family.
I hope this helps, sometimes short therapy comes out harsh, I wish you well
What should you do? Give your husband a big hug and kiss and say thank you with all your heart. There is no reason to have horrid, hateful people in your life just because they are blood relatives! Your husband deserves a gold star for being willing to stop this hurtful behavior and eliminate contact before it escalates and affects your daughter. Thank goodness she is too young to understand their indifference! It would be far more harmful to continue contact until she is old enough to see and understand and be hurt by their treatment of her (and her mother!).
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We have two awesome kids (2 and 3)and my husband's mother has never met them. She is very hateful towards me and my husband and has never liked me (and like you I never did anything outlandish to deserve her hatred). My husband and I are totally fine with the fact that she is not a part of our life, and our kids life. I would not want my children to see or hear negative comments or actions, so I think it's better that they don't even know she exists. If she truly wanted to be a part of our our family life, then she would change her behavior (she knows when she's crossing the line). My parents have sort of adopted my husband and my husband is a better man for it. I know it sounds harsh, but again, do you really want your daughter to hear something negative said about you? Do you want her to see you and your husband defending yourselves, or worse being fake and acting like it's no big deal?
I hope this helps. I can't say that we won't talk/see my husband's mother again, but I think it will be a very cold day in h@!!.
Since sitting down and talking about it hasn't worked, I would maybe try to write them a letter. I would just say in it if you can't work out your differences for yourselves, at least do it for the child so that she can know her grandparents.
Wow! I have so realized that I am not the only one! My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We have four children ages 7, 5, 4, and 2 1/2. We have battled with in-laws ever since our oldest son was born. They think we are horrible parents (even though they are incredibly well behaved, spiritual children). They refuse to come to our house. I was once told "It is a parent's job to make sure their kids know their grandparents". (meaning they will not make an effort to come to sports, school functions, bday parties, etc. The holidays are all at their house or they won't come). I have struggled with this for forever. My husband and I have both talked to them and they are not willing to change. They only see the kids on holidays and they live 15 minutes away. We do not go to their house anymore because we have enough to do and if they are not willing to make the effort then neither are we. I would suggest trying to seperate from them as much as possible. Limit phone calls. Send them a card with new pictures every few months updating them on her new accomplishments. Maybe they will see how well you are doing without them and how much she is growing that they will change their hearts. So far this, nor anything else has worked for us....but, you can't stress over them all the time. Don't let them control you. Good luck. C.
