I Have Been a Bad Mom and I Am Trying to Change It.

Updated on August 22, 2008
K.I. asks from Holland, MI
5 answers

I don't even know where to begin. My Son is 15 months old. He does not walk. He has not slept through the night since he was 7 months old and had been sleeping through since 2 months old. He was saying words, signing and putting 2 words together. He used to calmly say and sign all done when he was finished eating or playing. His words have gone back to baby babble. He does not sign. He hates to sleep. He cries and screams and makes other sounds. I hate saying these things about him because it compounds the guilt I feel already.

I think I did this to him. To start, I had a bike accident in April that knocked me off my feet until mid June. I was pretty much useless and feel my son missed out on a lot of something during my down time. I also work from home. I am on the computer and the phone a lot. I was very driven and would do what ever it took to get things done. I took it too far. I would be on the phone during meals, while nursing him, while playing with him... It kills me because he won't talk to me anymore. He pretends to talk on the phone to someone else. When I try to get into his line of vision and talk to him, he turns his head away and continues to babble to his pretend phone. He is supposed to be learning interpersonal skills from me and I bombed out there.

Since I am always in a hurry to get things around the house done, a lot of times when I am between my work things, I hurry up and try to clean and get dinner ready etc... My son would often try to play with me during that time and I would put him back by his toys and sing songs about what I was doing. Now, when I try to start play time, he crawls away and finds anything that looks like a wash cloth and wipes at what ever he is near and ignores me. I have also caught him doing the "shhhhhhhhhhhh" a lot too. It kills me that he has learned this from me. "shhhhhhhhhhh" is not a word and that has replaced all of the other words he was using.

I have failed him. How do I go about undoing the damage I have done. I guess I would not be as worried if he had not started talking and suddenly stopped, or if he continued to sleep like he normally had. I feel like a horrible Mom. All of his other needs have been met-food,shelter, health care, clothes,and I do love him more than anything...I know that is not enough.

For now, I have cut way back from my work at home stuff. I am starting a sleep log so I can get him into a consistent routine we both can live with. I am not using the computer infront of him. I don't use the phone around him unless I can help it. I am working so hard on building his trust in me again. I love him so much and I want to make things right again. I can see why God has not blessed us with another much wanted baby.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I took my son to see his doctor. He told me my son is fine. He said not to be worried unless he is using less than 2 words at 2 years old, and if he does not show any signs of walking by 18 months. My son is now walking on his own. He is talking to me more again. I unloaded my guilty story to the the doc and he said my son is mimicing my behavior. Mimicing is normal. I was told to calm down and take things at a slower pace and that we will be fine. I did chill out and learned that his "shhhhhhhh" is his word for fish. He eats gold fish crackers. The hand by the mouth was his version of eat in sign language. When he was "sshhhhhhing" me he was asking me for a gold fish cracker to eat. I do not use the phone in front of him unless I have to. He still "talks on the phone" when he is bored or if he does not want to go to sleep. He hugs me and kisses me and calls me "om". He has a pretty good vocab when he wants to use it. We are working on a set routine that he can feel secure in. I am not working from home until we are comfortable in a stable predictible routine. I love him so much. Being home for him and being present for him are 2 different things. Thanks for the responces. There was one that really hit home and I really appreciate the time put in to it. Thanks again and feel free to email me to keep me in check any time!

More Answers

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B.S.

answers from Grand Rapids on

K.,

Kudos to you for noticing what you were doing and what you needed to change, that takes a lot of self examination and humility. Your son as you said is mimicking what you did to him and it took 15 months for him to get this "bad" (for a lack of a better word) so don't be surprised if it takes another 15 months for you to have the relationship with him that you desire.

I think you are absolutely on the right track with limiting your work around him and the phone and computer, that is hard to change but your son is worth it as you have said.

As a fellow mother I know there is so much work to be done you could be doing work all day everyday at home with grocery runs, laundry, cleaning, dishes, dinner etc... the list goes on and on. However I force myself to STOP what I am doing if I can, or quickly finish up what I am doing and play with my daughter for a while. Every day we read books, and just do what she wants to do. I have her in her high chair playing with pladough while I make dinner quite often so then we can
"talk" and she can watch but isn't bored.

What really helps is to include your child in what you are doing if you can, my daughter "helps" me with laundry and unloading the dish washer and vacuuming, she really doesn't help and often times makes a little more work for me but we are doing it together and she enjoys it so I am getting work done while spending time with her.

I also try and be turbo cleaner/worker while my daughter takes her afternoon nap which is usually around 3 hours so I have a consistent amount of time that I can count on to get work done like clean the bathroom, something I don't want her to help me with. I also try and get my email computer time in while she is sleeping, (like I am doing now)
I am not perfect and I don't always do what I just suggested and every once in a while there are days when I lay in bed and feel bad for pushing her to the side all day and spending very little time with her, but because most days are good with one on one time, she is ok if there is a day like that.

Also, maybe try and take him places that you can play together and he won't be in the house talking on his phone or where it's easy to ignore you. Take him to the park, the library, the grocery store and let him pick out a new toy or something. Something else my daughter and I do most days in the morning is take a walk, we "talk" about what we see, trees, dogs, people, babies whatever it is we talk about it and we are thus building a relationship as well.

Just spend tons of time with him and like you said try and make eye contact, tell him you love him and give him lots of hugs and kisses :-) and you should be alright in a couple of months if you keep it up.

Isn't it amazing the the Lord potentially withholds until we learn our lessons??? I am not saying He is for sure doing that but my husband and I are going through a lesson learning period in our life as well, different but same concept that I think we need to change and grow before the Lord will let us move on type thing.

Hope that helps a little bit. Again congrats on noticing and loving your son enough to change!

B.

I am editing my response...

One more thing I wanted to add was that my mom owned her own business and so she worked from home part of the time but she may as well have been at work because when she was home she was working and we were always a "bother" to her and she way ALWAYS ALWAYS on the phone, that is one of the main things I remember of my childhood with my mom, how sad is that. I don't want your son to have those be his memories of you. He is young enough that you have not scared him for life though.
Just another thought

1 mom found this helpful
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B.W.

answers from Grand Rapids on

Sometimes regression is a sign of autism. Id bring it up to the doctor.

I'm glad you have relized your child is more important than work. He really needs mommy

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L.C.

answers from Grand Rapids on

Dear K. I.,

First of all, you cannot help it that you were injured and was not able to spend as much time with your son and now he is not reacting to you as he was before you got hurt in the accident.

You must forgive yourself and go on and get back to what you were doing before you got hurt. He will eventually accept you again and take up where he and you left off before. Just love on him as much as you can now and he will eventually forgive you again. He just did not know how to get used to not being with you much when you got hurt and it was different than what he was used to. You are not a terrible mom and he will be fine in time.

Is your son deaf or did you just teach him to sign because little ones can communicate better signing than talking?

L. C.

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K.H.

answers from Grand Rapids on

Please don't blame yourself, we all do that kind of stuff; stay on the computer, get stressed, etc... The one thing that worries me is that he stopped talking and making contact with you. Does he talk to other people or look at them? It doesn't seem right that he made the progress and then is now regressing....nothing you could ever do could make him do that. I hate to say this and I am not sure how to, but have you thought about looking up Autism on the internet for possible symptoms? I have taught Autistic children and autism symptoms usually develop in the toddler years. It just doesn't seem like a child would stop communicating with his parent unless something else was wrong. Here is a website to check out....good luck and let us know how everything goes.

http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ab...

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M.M.

answers from Grand Rapids on

The first step to change is realizing there is a problem.
So start today and make changes! No one that you are emailing or making calls to is as important as your son. Someday your relations with them will mean nothing to them. They wont rmember who you are but your son will remember how unavailable you are if you continue this. He is so young now that you have plenty of time to turn this around.
May I suggest listening to Dr. Laura on AM from 9:30am-noon.
1260AM
or reading, "Ten Studpid Things Parents do to Mess Up Their Kids"
In God's Love,
jm

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