I Have a Crabby 3 Year Old Can Anything Help?

Go down to the library and go to the parenting section to learn about tantrums.

She is only 3 so she is saying "I hate you mommy" or blaming you for stuff with not sense of a) what hate means or b) that it's completely illogical because you weren't even there. You can't talk her out of it with logic at this age, so don't try to explain that you weren't around at the time. She's frustrated and doesn't understand "life" - you're there, so it must be up to you to fix things, in her mind.

The best thing is to ignore this behavior. She keeps doing it because you are engaging with her and because she gets a payoff from you - attention or a cookie or help getting the Legos apart or whatever. So perhaps you need to reevaluate your reactions and change how you react.

That said, she may have some additional problems with frustration and anger. It does seem to me that she has trouble settling down - at night, after something doesn't go her way, etc. I imagine she's not sleeping well. Start from the premise that she is unhappy - and find out why. Does she not have the vocabulary to express needs/frustrations? Does she not have enough varied stimulation to occupy her and wear her out? Does she, on the other hand, have TOO MUCH stimulation and not enough quiet time, so she can't self-soothe. I do think you might look for additional resources, either with a second opinion to rule out any medical anomaly or behavioral issue, and otherwise to see if you can work with a parenting or family therapist to help you "read" your daughter better, identify her triggers, and come up with totally consistent techniques to reward good behavior and redirect undesirable behavior. At 3, you really don't want to talk about punishment, but definitely about redirection. Find out, either through a family therapist, your pediatrician, the town's office of children and family services, or a good reference librarian, about parenting classes and resources in your community.

My dad always told me a 3 year old is a 2 year old with a mouth - seems fitting here.

Does she have a break from you and you from her? Preschool, dance class, gymnastics, something like that? I never followed the rules for sleep either...if my kid was tired, they slept. If I needed a break and so did they, we took a quiet hour. I didn't care if they slept, but they had to be quiet in their rooms or time started over. Maybe start giving her some freedom to make some choices, let her feel the good and the bad that comes from different choices and see what happens.

I would also tell her that blaming others for what she does/doesn't do and saying "I hate" to anything are not acceptable behaviors or words, and they come with punishment.

Be firm, be loving, be consistent. This does pass, but how you handle it now is teaching her how to deal with things going forward.

well, she's 3. your doctor's right- 3 year olds do tend to be challenging.

also charming, which is how we survive them. i wish you'd focus on the charm a bit more.

tantrums get ignored or banished. you can't force anyone, least of all a tiny 3 year old, to control a completely lost temper. she has to learn this skill, and you do it by never reinforcing it. yeah, it can make you nut up sometimes. but that's what parenting is. i'm betting that if more parents learned to do less instead of feeling that every action and word requires an active response, we'd have a lot more relaxed parents.

what's wrong with playing in her room for an hour? if you've put her to bed, and the door is closed, it's no skin off your nose. she's asleep by 9 and up at 8, which sounds eminently reasonable to me. 11 hours of good sleep? all 3 year olds should be so lucky.

it's very, very typical for 3 year olds to yell 'i hate you' at their moms. your expectation that she shouldn't because it's not 'your fault' is way out of whack for parenting a 3 year old. she's not reasoning like an adult, and if you keep expecting adult reasoning from her no wonder you're frustrated.

the constant anger and tears honestly sound to me like she's reflecting your emotions back on you, which is exactly what most 3 year olds do. i strongly suggest that you get help for yourself, learn some calming techniques, learn to step back from knee-jerk reactions, maybe get a book on how tiny people learn. if you can fix your own disproportionate reactions to normal 3 year old behavior, you will both benefit.
khairete
S.

Terrible Threes are the pits.
If she's in a bad mood then she can stay in her room until she's over it.
When she's throwing a tantrum at home - leave the room - or put her into her room and leave her there till she's finished.
That's the only thing that worked for my Mom when my sister was pitching a fit.
When the audience left, the performance was over.

For 3 years old, she needs 9 to 12 hours of sleep at night and 1 to 3 hours of nap time (1 nap).
Sounds like she's sleeping well at night (a whole 12 hrs).
At 2pm (after lunch), put her in her room, turn out the lights and tell her she doesn't have to sleep but there will be quiet time until you say she can get up.
Ear plugs for you will help you the most.
It's hard not to give in but she's 3 and she doesn't get to run the show.
Make some firm boundaries and stick with them.

Every so often - hire a baby sitter and YOU go and have some 'ME' time to recharge your batteries.

I read your swh and so I'm assuming you're doing the "right stuff". Who is taking care of her when you're not there? Could it have to do with that? You are her model and so keep that in mind. Are you stressed inwardly in some way even though you're not showing it outwardly. Children pick up and live out our thoughts and emotions even if their unknown to our own self. They are like one huge sensory sponge. Does she get plenty of outdoor time and just open ended play. Does she have a routine for the day, like she sees you doing laundry every Mon. and Wed. for example. This is all very important. Is she stressed and or out of sorts because she is overly sensitive to her surroundings? Is this sudden?

Believe it or not Flower Essence could help. You may want to look into them. Bach is the original founder so start with that Bach Flower Essence Remedy. You may also want to look in to Homeopathic remedies.

MP keeps messing with my computer, so I'm throwing in a great link here. This arrived in my email this a.m. and this link is to the Growing Child blog, "Grandma Says".... great resource.
http://blog.growingchild.com/recent-posts
The top two posts deal rather sensibly with tantrums--- and this is what we do in our house.

What does her preschool teacher say?
I really hope she goes to preschool, at least a few mornings week, because that's absolutely necessary, for both your sanity, and hers.
Also, contrary to popular belief on what kids "need" none of my three napped much past age two. And they slept from like 9 pm to 7 am, 7:30 if I was lucky.
Smart kids sleep less. Look it up. It's science. (lol #ronburgundy)

My answer is going to be very different than the rest. To me, your daughter sounds dysregulated. She sounds like she doesn't know what to do with her body, or how to make her body do what she wants it to. I can tell she is having a difficult time with transitions because of the hard to go to sleep, cranky when wakes up, that's a transition by the way, and tripping, falling, etc. My guess is that she has some type of Sensory Processing Disorder, this is very treatable with Occupational Therapy. You just ask your doctor for a referral to an OT that specializes in SPDs, and they will do an evaluation, and tell you for sure. It is easy, looks like play, and works wonders. If you want to learn more, I highly recommend the book, The Out of Sync Child. They also have a website. I'd be happy to answer more questions if you have them.

Sounds like you need to find a Mother's Day Out so she can get a break from you for a few hours per week. Not that she's being bad and has to go away, that's not what I mean. But sometimes going somewhere else helps us to appreciate what we have and helps us get back on the right track.