So, I really goofed up. My 11 yr old daughter has an on again/off again friend who has been planning her birthday party sleepover for the last six months. She and her twin sister each get to invite four girls, and it's been a big to do every year. This year is the first year that my daughter was to be invited and she has been looking forward to it for ages. I knew this blessed event was to be in July, so I've been asking my daughter for the date since the beginning of June. She asked her friend a couple of times, and her friend would just say she wasn't sure yet, but it would probably be at the end of July.
In the meantime, a few days ago, she received an invite to another friend's birthday party for 07/19. I hesitated to RSVP because I was wondering about the first party, but figured we hadn't heard anything yet and figured maybe the first friend decided not to invite my daughter afterall. She's been known to do this before to my daughter and other kids. So, I said she could go to the party on the 19th.
And then, what do you know? I got the Evite this morning for the big sleepover bash and guess what night it's for? Yep, the 19th....So, what to do? I feel that she should go to the one I already rsvp'd for, but I know that she's going to be VERY upset when I tell her. Since I'm the one that goofed, should I allow her to go to the other party? Should I call the parents (who I'm friendly with) and explain that I goofed. I don't think they will be very understanding, especially since there has been a bit of girl drama between all of our daughters. The other friend is not friendly with their daughter at all, and they would take offense as to why I'm choosing the other party over theirs. I could kick myself for not just sitting on their invite for a little longer (bashing head into keyboard).
UPDATE: The twins mom sent an email saying that she's changing the date of the party! Apparently the short notice was to blame for about half of the girls not being able to attend, so she picked a new date. Now my daughter can go to both parties. She and I are SO happy!
ETA: Thanks for all of the responses. My daughter does want to go to the party I already rsvp'd for. She was very excited about it. As for going to both, She really can't, the parties have the same start time, and the one for the twins involves an outing, and they won't get back to their house until late. I have decided to decline the invitation from the twins. I agree that the twins and their mom should have sent their Evite much earlier if they expected/wanted certain girls to be there. There are a couple of other girls who were also invited to both who rsvp'd yes to the first invite too. I keep watching the Evite for the twins party to see if they also respond no. And there are two other no's already. I'm wondering if maybe the twins will change their date. That would be ideal!
I haven't told my daughter about the Evite from the twins yet. She has her big softball tournament this weekend, and I don't want her to have this on her mind. I'm also waiting/hoping that the date for the twins' party might change since it seems almost half the girls they invited won't be able to make it.
@Diane B-To be clear. My daughter didn't "beg for an invitation". Her friend has been planning and talking about this party for six months and saying things like "I hope you can come since I only get to invite four friends". Since my daughter has been telling her she can come for six months, she was only asking her so that there would be no conflict. So heck yeah, I goofed up. You are very presumptuous to say repeatedly that my daughter begged for an invite.
Can she go to the party she rsvp'd to, then go to the sleepover?
Call the friend's mom with the sleepover and explain the situation and ask if it would be okay for her to just come late.
Go to the first one for a little while and then go to the sleepover.
There is no reson she can't attend both.
I would call the first mom and explain that you goofed when you RSVP'd because you didn't realize it was the same date as another party she was already committed to. Don't make a lot of drama, just very short and simple.
Wow... you really need a new perspective on this, Sweet.
How about "picky people can't actually make party plans like every other human being and send a DATE, and now I've double-booked on accident"?
I would NOT kick myself over this one. If these girls who are having a birthday party had bothered to send out the information like most of us, there would have been no problem. If they'd settled on a date and let your daughter know early enough-- also, likely would have been no problem. But they waited until relatively the last minute (I mean, the party is only a little over a week away) and then expected that everyone would have held the date.
THAT, to me, is very rude. Saying, in previous years, that your daughter could come and then changing their minds-- rude.
I think the bigger problem is going to be talking to your daughter about all of this. This will be a hard moment for her. I would have her go to the party she has already RSVPed with. I wouldn't worry about the other (twins) parents, but to just explain the truth- "We knew about the party but hadn't been told a date and I went ahead and let her accept an invitation-- because I didn't know that they were on the same day, I'm so sorry she can't come."
This is certainly a hard one, but please--- stop feeling responsible. This is someone else's mess, you just stepped in it. It's yucky, to be sure, but seriously-- who expects everyone to keep their calendar clear until they 'get back to them' less than 10 days in advance of the event?
Okay. Here's the thing. You didn't "goof up" unless you RSVP'd to the other party without your daughter's knowledge. Did your daughter say she wanted to go to this party that she got the invitation for a few days ago? If so, then it's on HER and not you for having accepted the invitation, and guess what? She can feel special for having been invited to two parties.
She's now obligated to attend that party and give her regrets to the sleepover if the party times overlap. That's what you do. You don't sit around and wait for an invitation that may or may not show up.
This will be a lesson to the friend who picks and chooses and talks about her parties six months in advance, and it will teach her to send out her invitations much sooner. If your daughter is upset it's not the end of the world. If the sleepover girl is upset, oh well. They'll both have to learn to deal with the disappointment. They can plan to do something special together another day.
Tell the person you first RSVPd to that you goofed up and your daughter has a prior engagement. Enough said. You don't need to tell them anything more.
If she can't do both, honor the first party you rsvp'd to.
You didn't goof anything. Your daughter was invited to a party and you two decided that she would go. Then afterward she got what you consider an offer to a better party. At this point it's rude to go to the first person and say sorry but we don't want to attend your party after all. If the other girl and her twin get to invite only 4 people I'm sure there are other girls they can invite to fill in the gap your daughter will leave by not attending. And seriously if this is the worst thing that's happening in your slice of the world right now then you are one lucky, lucky woman.
If she can't attend both (go to the one on the 19th that she already RSVP'd to, then drive her over later to the sleep over one that night), then she should go to the one she already committed to. Is that one also a sleep over? If not, why couldn't she go to both?
I agree with the posters before me about that other girl, though. Kinda rude to send out an invitation this close to the date and expect everyone to have kept the date open for them. Is it possible that your daughter is getting the invite THIS late because that other girl already sent out invitations and one of the girls couldn't make it and YOUR daughter is a back up invite? Either way, it's rude...
That isn't enough notice and the parents should expect that some of those "special" 4 girls that were "lucky" enough to get invites might not be able to come.
IF it doesn't turn out that your daughter can attend both (timing issues) then she should go to the one you have RSVP'd for. You did ask your daughter if she wanted to go before you RSVPd, right?
Tough lesson. But necessary, I think. Especially at this age.
I am no expert on evites...so someone clarify if I am off the mark--but is there any chance that other evites went out earlier to people and someone couldn't make it, so your daughter got an evite in a "2nd round" type situation? Maybe you can't do that with evites, I don't know.
But, it does sound like the twins are the types to create a lot of girl drama, and I would not be encouraging my daughter to participate in it. Sounds like the other girl having a party that day is the better choice, frankly.
Good luck.
You don't bail out on a party because you got a better offer. You don't ditch your prom date because a much cuter guy asked you. And frankly, you don't badger friends for an invite you are expecting and feel you are entitled to, even though you have an on again/off again relationship with the prospective hostess. I think your daughter is learning a whole lot of bad behaviors here. I think, at 11, she's old enough to start learning that you get to go to some parties, you don't get to go to others, and the world doesn't come to an end. She's in a huge bind right now because she begged for an invitation from the first group, didn't get it. Who's to know if the first girl hemmed and hawed because she just wasn't sure she was good enough friends with your daughter?? She accepted another invitation, but now, what? She's going to go back on that acceptance by telling that child that she's not good enough, the cool people are having a cooler party? How in the world can you make that palatable?
The only decent thing to do is stick with the invitation she accepted. On some level, she's got to reply to the 2nd invitation and say "I'm so sorry, I would love to have come, but I accepted another invitation for the same date. I hope you have a wonderful birthday though."
Moreover, is she really pleased to get an invitation she had to beg for? For all you know, the twins invited other people and waited to see who could come. Maybe a few people declined, so they invited your daughter on the rebound? I mean, really, where's the pleasure in that for anyone? Even if that's not what happened, the twins will find out that, if they send out invitations late, sometimes some people will already have plans. No shame in that.
They are 11. They have 7 more years of middle school and high school to deal with invitations, changing friendships, conflicting dates.
And if you are bashing your head into the keyboard, you're getting way too involved and creating the very drama that you say is already a problem among these girls. The parents need to get out of these girls' social lives. There is no way you can call the parents and explain anything at all that does not make it obvious that their child is not the preferred friend. You can't say you goofed - you did not. Your daughter got an invitation, you told her the date was clear (which it was), and the invitation was accepted. If you call them, you will either be helping your daughter to lie, or helping her to hurt someone's feelings.
It's up to you to upset your daughter now and use this as a teachable moment about feelings, manners, and social relationships. Do not help avoid her reaction by creating terrible feelings among others. Stuff happens to upset kids, and parents can't always prevent it. You're going to be saying "no" to her a lot through the teen years - you will absolutely not be able to avoid it by giving in and letting her do the wrong thing.
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Edited to add - Okay, I see your "So What Happened" - I read your post that your daughter has kept asking about it but never got an answer or an invitation, and she's never been invited before. That sounded much stronger than the assurance that your daughter was to be invited this year for the first time. So I'm sorry if I misread you.
Let her go to the one she wants to go to. In the big picture, this is not even noticeable.
I'm with Leslie M. -- If she can't do both, she goes to the O. you already responded to.
(Hopefully, your 11 year old agreed to the RSVP knowing this might happen.)
What is the timing of the two parties? Can she attend the first party (maybe leave a bit early) and then go to the sleepover since it will clearly still be going on?
If that isn't possible, you have two options: 1. contact the sleep over parents and let them know that unfortunately, by the time you found out the date of the sleepover, you already had plans; however if they don't mind a late arrival your daughter would love to come. If they aren't ok with it, it is early enough for their daughter to invite someone in her place (since they clearly waited til last minute to invite anyway). 2. Contact the other host and apologize profusely that you mistakenly rsvp'd before realizing that you had a prior commitment (since your daughter was already committed but you didn't know it).
You didn't goof, the late inviters did...if they had at least told you the date even before the invites went out (since it's been being planned for so long) it would have eliminated this conflict just a week before the party.
If the other party isn't also a sleepover, she should attend the one that you already RSVP'd for and then join the other party later. Explain to the sleepover mom that you responded to the other invite before receiving her daughter's so you want her to honor that RSVP but hope she doesn't mind if your daughter joins the sleepover a little late.
You should go to the party that you RSVP'd to.
Can't she go to one party and then run over the the sleepover after? Best of both worlds!
And this is not your fault. Not sure why you keep saying you goofed. Sounds like this party was not as together as this kid wanted it to be. Let the 11 year old drama lie. And do your kids a favor and let then know that once you accept and RSVP, there is no getting out unless you are really sick.
ETA - Diane - love the prom analogy!!
She goes to the one that she responded to first. I am sure there will be drama but no one ever said life is fair! This will be a hard lesson.
I think it's important for us to know if your daughter said she wanted to go to the part you RSVP'd for or did you just RSVP for her without consulting her. If she knew about it and said she wanted to go, she should honor that commitment. If not, then yes, YOU goofed up and that is not your daughter's fault. You could explain that you were not aware your daughter had already accepted another invitation for the same day, because really she had said she would go months ago, but just didn't know the exact date.
At 11 your daughter should decide which party to attend (if there is no way she can do both). If you didn't speak with her before saying yes then she gets to choose and you'll have to bow out gracefully since you RSVP'd without speaking to her first.
I may be totally off base here but your post sort of makes it sound like the twin girls are a bit cliquish and dramatic. If they are the source of problems for your daughter I would have a heart to heart about what type of friends she wants.
If it's all about the party and the girls are not dependable friends who treat her well then she might think about choosing the other party. My youngest had to make a choice to get away from a BFF who treated her terribly last year. After many attempts to win back my daughter's friendship along comes the Bday party invite. At 10 my daughter was tempted to go (who doesn't like a party, right?). We had a long talk about taking advantage of someone you really don't want to be around and whether or not she wants to invite this person back into her life, she did not. Now we can comfortably watch the drama this girl creates from the sidelines. It was well worth missing a single party for my girl to keep her self respect!
Is there any chance the favored friend deliberately waited until the other friend got her invites out, and then scheduled hers on the same day just to create drama and divide friends? It could be a power play.
I have seen some girls who are THAT manipulative. What if your daughter changes her plans and then the favored friend "drops" her (because that's what mean girls do sometimes) and then the other friend drops her too (because she reneged on the invite)?
I'm not sure what I would do, but I would sit and really talk with my daughter about HOW and WHY to be a good friend, and to be true to yourself and strong in yourself. I've seen my 17 year old niece navigate all these issues very successfully, but she went through spells where she was not the most liked or most popular (and she's a gorgeous, sweet cheerleader). She's about to be a senior in high school and we are all really proud of her. Good girls do win in the end.
Good luck - this is tough stuff. I don't envy you!
Ask your daughter which party she wants to go to and then simply tell the other party hosts that you accidentally double booked for that night. They don't need to know details and it's the truth, so don't feel bad!
I actually think you CAN change your mind if you get additional information about something else that is more important. This is about prioritization and communcation.
I'm all about honoring your comittments.... but we're talking about a tween b'day party. Not dinner with the Queen or something where the host is going to be out hundreds of dollars if you don't show up.
It's still more than a week before the 19th.
Simply call her and explain that you are sorry, but you need to change your RSVP and kiddo won't be able to attend after all. They don't need a reason. They don't need to be told you are choosing one party over the other. They may find out your daughter attended the other party.... but that's not anything you need to tell them.
For everyone who said you HAVE to go the party..... this is why NO ONE RSVP's anymore. Things are so often up in the air....... You can't not go to something that you've been talking about for months just because someone happened to send their RSVP first. That's ridiculous.
Depending on times maybe she can go go both maybe leave a little early from the first and then go to the sleep over party
I would let her go to the other party then go to the friends sleep over. If both are sleep overs then I feel bad for you. Perhaps you could have visited with the mom instead of asking your daughter to get the information you needed.
It's always best to get it from the horses mouth yourself....lol.
Chaos:
Are the parties at the same time?
Is one during the day and one at night?
Is it possible she can do both if one is during the day?
IF they are both at the same time? Just tell the one that you RSVP'd to already the truth. You made a mistake on the date. Tell her the truth...you had an invite that was months old and you didn't have the exact date.
Don't beat yourself up! Stuff happens!
CAn she go to both...attend the party for a while and then go to the sleepover?
I would see if she can attend both, even if she just "drops by" the first and apologizes that she had a prior commitment you forgot about. This happens all the time, so many kids I know have more than one party to go to in one day. It's not at all odd. She can drop by the first party, give a gift and wish her friend a very happy birthday.
Since she is a tween and not an adult, I wouldn't MAKE her attend the one she RSVPed to and forgo the other. I think she should choose which one she wants to attend and then both of you make your polite excuses.
It is polite to attend the first RSVP, but I don't know that it's a lesson she needs to learn right now.
If the first party is earlier of a start then the second invite party then call back the first invite party and say that you are sorry but your darling will only be able to be there for an hour or two and ask if that is ok. I know my daughter would be thrilled at having a buddy for a few hours vs not at all. And my daughter would get that the twins party is looked forward to also, as long as she wasn't jilted completely. If they are both at the same time then tell the first invite that darling can only stay 1 1/2 hours, and tell the second invite party (the twins) that she will be there but not until x time.
You really can split the time between both parties and honestly both birthday girls will be happy. Make sure she brings a gift to the first and second party both.
I would let your daughter choose which party she wants to attend even though you made a boo boo. We all have bad parenting at some point. Is the party that you had RSVP'd also a sleepover because she could do both. I personally would not want to attend the party of the twins. it just sounds like they only invite her if no one better can come. I know adults who do that. You could still buy a gift for the other girl If your daughter decides she wants to go to the twin party. If its gonna be drama either way then let your daughter choose and it shouldn't matter if you have to bow out of the party you said yes to.
What are the hours of the two parties? Can she go to the other friend's party first and then head over to the sleepover later? Even if both are sleepovers, maybe you can say she can do dinner at one and sleep at the other.
You don't have to tell either family specifically why you will leave early or arrive late. You can just say that you have two events at the same time and want to find a way to attend both. They may figure it out, but I think it pays to be honest without giving the exact details. Don't pretend to be doing something completely different (like, a family occasion), as you will get caught in the lie.
Anyway, does your daughter know about the second party already? Is she excited for that one? If they weren't on the same day, would she be looking forward to it as much as the sleepover? If she doesn't really care or want to go, you can always change your RSVP. Just say that you are so sorry, but you had already told your daughter weeks ago that she could go to the other event and you didn't realize they were on the same day.
Hi! I just wanted to say sorry. I know some poeple on here can be judgy.
Anywho :) I say let her go to the first party, the sleepover, the one where the girl only gets to invite 4 girls. How cool and special to be one of the four!That's what your daughter wants right? Cancelling going to the 2nd invited one is not that big of a deal in the big picture. The first party has been talked about for 6 months right so keep your first promise. No biggie. If the second mom wants to get offended let her.
