I love my daughter more than words can describe, but I find myself needing time throughout the day to just be with "me". I know it's normal to need adult only time (and healthy too) but do I need too much? She just turned one and is so cute as she develops into her own little person. We have a pretty strict routine each day and part of it encompases me playing with her on the floor. I hate to admit it, but there's only so much I can do to play with her and then I usually sit back and read a magazine or get online from my cellphone while I sit there with her as she plays. Then at other times when my hubby comes home I hand him the baby and retreat upstairs for some alone time. He does the same and sometimes I feel like we both are neglecting her. Sometimes we need to do something as simple as run to the store for milk and we both jump up and say "I'll go!". It kills me to think she can feel any of this - babies are much more emotionally attune then we give them credit for. Don't get me wrong - I am loving on her all day with hugs and kisses but I feel like I may need more time to myself than the average mom. I also work PT 3 days so wonder why this isn't enough for me. I always thought I'd be such a great mother and all about my child and now I'm disappointing myself. Am I just being selfish? I live with this guilt every single day and try to put more effort into enjoying my time with her - I do enjoy most of it - I'm just saying I have too many moments of wanting my own time. I'm also still bummed about my post pregnancy weight and have other small issues that are always on my mind which I think keep me preoccupied.
it's normal to feel this way at first especially when they are that little, took me a LONG time to get past that point, but by the time my daughter was 2 maybe 3 it was easier on myself still feel guilty from time to time. like on the weekends she's home..i don't go ne where because i feel guilty for leaving her, when she's only got everyother weekend with me ne way so i normally don't go
you not alone :)
I think you're normal. Your baby sounds bright and cared for. We all need "me time" and only YOU know how much is right for you.
It's TOTALLLLLYYYY normal!!!! I feel the same way and I know all my friends do as well!! I love my son more than anything but I need breaks.. I had someone watching my son at 3 weeks old because he was colicy and I needed a break... We are still human and still have our own "personal" needs.. I used to feel bad about it also but don't anymore... I do the SAME thing.. I will play on the computer or text friends while my son is playing in the other room... Your NOT being selfish!!!
WE all have those feelings from time to time. It's called "Calgon Take Me Away or Beam Me UP Scotty" mode.
Use her as your weight while you do some aerobics on TV.
If you have a friend that wouldnt mind watching her for a bit, drop her off and go shopping if that will make you feel better. Trade taking care of your friends kids so that they can do the same.
Try focusing on the fact that you are creating a human being that you want to grow up, healthy, intellegent, compassionate and strong, that is a very important part of the Mother job and it's a never ending job at that.
But, you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of her. If you get too down you will start resenting motherhood, and you don't want to go down that path.
You need to give only 75 percent of yourself to your child, the other 25 percent is all about you. Do not feel guilty. I never did and I know I'm a good mommy to my daughter. A healthy balance.
Be gentle with yourself! It takes a long time to get used to the new dynamic. What are you perfect at that you've only been doing for a year? Also, if your baby doesn't seem to be acting out, I wouldn't worry too much. I am SURE she feels loved by both of you.
You know, my local Y has free childcare for members while they work out. It's kind of the best of both worlds for me, because I can exercise, the baby is interacting with other kids, and I can read a magazine or watch some lame TV while I am on the treadmill. Do you have anything like that nearby?
Also, my husband and I build in some time every week or two where someone comes to take care of our son while we do something together. It's not always a dinner or movie, sometimes it's going to the grocery store or Home Depot, or taking a walk. We have a lot of family close by, though, so that's pretty easy for us to do.
In my experience, my own guilt is my worst enemy, and I decided a long time ago that knowing my own needs -- and fulfilling them -- makes me a better mother.
Please trust me - you are 100% NORMAL!! : )
Being a full-time mommy is often really really boring. I've done lots of the things you describe and still do, even now when my boys are 8.5 and 4.5
Check out a local MOPS group or your church or community center may have a "Mom's Day Out" program. Locally, we have several drop-in licensed daycare centers that take kids as young as 1 yr. My kids absolutely love going there - they do crafts and play games and have song time and tons of toys and are completely supervised. I can drop them off for an hour or for a good part of the day. It's important that you take time for yourself so that when you are playing and interacting with your child, you can really be present with her.
Don't let that mommy guilt get you down : )
Be kind to yourself. A child is a big responsibility and whenever you feel that you need you time usually that's your bodies way of telling you to take that time. Small children tend to be independent (when it comes to playing and learning new things) at that age anyways so don't beat yourself up about not sitting on the floor with her for a long period of time and playing with her. It's good that you get down there and help her learn but it's not necessary ALL the time. It sounds like your doing a good job to me as long as you show her everyday how lucky you are to have her in your life and how much you love her, I don't think she would ask or want anymore out of you :] So relax and again if you need time away I wouldn't hesitate to ask someone!
All sounds very normal to me, I was the same way when my kids were babies, and still now! (mine are 3 & 5) I think you can spend better quality time with her if you get some time to yourself (not just work, something for yourself, maybe on weekends you could go to the gym?). You need some alone time after being with the baby all day!! It's mentally and emotionally draining.
My best friend used to tell me how she and her husband used to argue about who got to go to the store when their kids were babies! They both wanted a chance to get away from the kids for a few minutes.
Seriously, it's fine not to want to spend every moment of every day playing with your baby. During the day, plan some outings - find a playgroup, story time at the library, gymboree class. Working isn't time for yourself. It is fine to leave baby with hubby or with a babysitter and go out for coffee for an hour once or twice a week, or the gym or monthly book club. You also dont' need to devote every moment of the day playing with her - at her age, she needs to learn to amuse herself. This is an important skill and parents do their kids a disservice if they train them to believe that they need to and should be entertained constantly. And it IS okay for a child to know that you have feelings and needs too, and that they are not your only reason for living.
You are NOT alone-check out www.manicmommies.com and join the group under the Big Tent. We all want the same thing, so do NOT feel guilty. Manic Mommies even offers a once a year opportunity to be kid and husband free for an entire weekend, called The Escape-check it out on manicmommies.com. I went last year when they held it in Napa Valley, CA and it was great! It is a huge adjustment for you when you have a baby, so it's not surprising at all when both of you say you need more "me" time. As it is during the safety talk on the airplane before take off, so it is in life: If you don't take care of yourself first, you can't take care of your child/family. You are a human being and it is your right to have a life that satisfies you.
Sweetie, your girl is only one. Of course u crave recharge time for yourself and working is not that time. Maybe if u signed up for a music class u can meet other moms or an indoor gym class so u both get new stimulation.
As for your hubby, he will bond with her when she talks and grows a little more. I had signed up my girl for a sat morning swim class (age 1) and they went together then ate snack, ran errands and came home for her nap. It really made them closer over time!
As for tv watching, its really different for every parent. And u show her the tv u allow her to learn from and she likes the characters. Some kids are into tv and some aren't. My son watches one baby einstein dvd and that's it. He loves running. My girl loves watching nick jr. So we all get to watch 1 show and then play something else...or I put on music and we all dance and sing the words. Tv and music help teach language so I think its not terrible to introduce 1 educational kids show while u are busy. :)
It really gets easier. All your questions are so normal at this stage. Be nice to your husband, don't resent him. He will help you when u need it and he will love your daughter more than u can imagine as she grows more each day.
I'm telling u what I wish people told me. Evryobe feels resentment, guilt, doubts...etc as a mom. But always remember to laugh it off. It passes so quickly. And always remember to schedule me time in your day (a walk, a manicure, read a book or magazine). It relaxes u so u can deal with the daily routine.
Oh please don't beat yourself up over your feelings! Welcome to motherhood - endless questioning of ourselves, guilthy feelings, being torn...I could go on. First your daughter is young...I remember when my son turned 1 I was celebrating that we all SURVIVED that first year. He's 3.5 now. Its hard! We, as women and mothers really lose ourselves and become SO MUCH that its hard to remember who and where WE actually are. And working - THAT IS NOT ALWAYS the answer. I had a woman tell me on this board once that I work full time and that I should consider that my ME TIME. I was so disappointed by that answer. I was trying to figure out how to find time to work out so I could be healthy mentally and physically for myself and my family and that was an answer? NOOOO. I work but its a job, its a paycheck! So dont' think your working is enough. Unless you are doing your absolute DREAM job, I don't think that truly counts. You still need time for YOU. JUST YOU! You sound a little sad, could be hormonal still...but its all normal! I've read your other posts...you've got a lot going on. I totally have been (and still am) there! The best thing you can do IS schedule some time for just you! Whatever it is, to start exercising, hang with friends...just sit quietly(that ones hard to schedule in my life - LOL!) You have to do it! There are sooooo many layers to your life now and like most women the "ME" tends to be the bottom layer...don't beat yourself up! Its ok! When you take some time for yourself - it helps with dealing with husbands who are frustrating too! TRUST ME!
Totally normal.
It seems to me that being an at home mom does not mean being at home. Get out of the house and make playdates with other moms you think you would like to get to know. When I had my first child and we moved to a new area, on Sunday evenings, I'd get on the phone and make a playdate for every day of the week. 1.5 hours was enough for my little one. I'd invite someone over or she'd invite me or we'd meet somewhere. Don't let the state of your house keep you from seeing people - it is the only way I clean up at all! Investing in an annual membership at a 'children's museum' is a great way to get out and see other families. The library story hour is, too. Introduce yourself to another mom. Say, "We'll be here next week - see you then." This way you get to see peers and the babies are occupied.
I found my children much more interesting once they could talk and we could interact more. But I was committed to raising them myself. So I had to find a way to enjoy myself in ways that were also supportive of them. Playdates with moms I wanted to have a cup of coffee with was the perfect solution - and my kids loved other people's houses and toys, too.
Lastly, I think there is an idea that there is something I can DO to make me fulfilled - whether it is work for money, being at home with ones children, shopping, having a manicure or being in great physical shape. It seems none of this works. For me, I find that I am at peace in various circumstances when I go before God and tell him everything I am thinking, worried about, wondering about, and literally place it all at the food of the Cross. And leave it there, in his tender mercy. Then, I try to help others who might be more lonely, more isolated, more feeling like they don't have any friends than me.
I hope this helps.
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I am a very new mom, having just had my first. My husband is a citizen here, but grew up in Mexico and we met in Switzerland. In both of these places, and many more countries around the world, it is normal and expected to have someone else, a female generally, help with the raising of your kids. You are never expected to be the only one. The tasks of taking care of an infant/child, meals, household chores, general upkeep of your family lifestyle and let's not forget your career and/or the career of your spouse, is A LOT!! It's very hard to manage it all without a child in the picture. You are very normal to feel like you need more time for you. We are wired, hormonally, to feel guilty when we neglect the child, that's how the species ensures its continuity. So, just know, that you are normal. See if your local YMCA has a babysitting program and go as often as you can for a little workout or a swim and have someone look after your little one for that hour. It could make a difference.
Good Luck!
