I Feel like I'm Losing It

Hi L., I have three (now 18, 16, 13). The only 'phase' of any of them that I can remember I was feeling helpless and at my wit's end, like you are today, was my oldest when he was that age. A little older, just started kindergarten. I won't get into his behavioral issues, but like your daughter it was ONLY at home, and ONLY for ME.

I asked his ped for a referral to a child psychologist (and this was hard to do, my husband did NOT like the idea at all, and I did NOT like admitting I alone could not solve this particular parenting dilema for my OWN child, sigh).

Anyway, I told my son we were going to talk to a really nice lady who knows a LOT about 4 yr old boys and she can help us be happier (OMG the child was MISERABLE).

It only took 2 visits for she, and him, and me together to figure out the problem and come up with a plan of action.

Whether the POA REALLY worked, or he just grew past the phase, or the fact that we had an outside authority on our side, I really don't know. The point is it WORKED.

I would strongly recommend this to you. I think it made both he and I feel like a TEAM, working together to make life nicer.

(My husband {now ex} did everything in his POWER to sabatoge it, even cleared out the checking acct so I would not have the money on the days of the visits, incredibly. But this only made me more determined. I actually took our ENORMOUS change charge to the bank while he was at work and paid for it that way, sigh, sorry, off subject).

So what was specifically the issue and solution for MY child is not really the point. It's more the sense of 'Taking Action', and you and her working together to move forward.

Anyway, good luck to you! I feel your pain, but it WILL get better!

:)

Added....
You know, I'd also like to say, although my son never again had a phase quite that dramatic (and is now a feshman at an engineer college on Merit Scholarships), he DID have other rough patches. I was about to use what I learned from his therapist in just those two visits again and again.

It def annoys me a little that someone ELSE knew better than I did what to do with my kid (tehehe)....and now that I'm thinking about it, I think I might just look her up and send her an email to let her know how successful he is and how what she suggested has helped us so much!

This is my and an old friends experience and ours only.
Your sentence about the socks jumped out at me. Our ds's were both dx with Sensory Integration Disorder. While working with the therapist she told us "YOU see the line on the sock. That is all it is to you. They FEEL the line on the sock design LITERALLY. This is why it upsets them and to them literally hurts"
I am not saying this is what your dd is dealing with but the sock thing and some of the other things in your post just rang bells.
It certainly can't hurt to have an evaluation. I wouldn't suggest it just out of the blue or anything. I just know what we lived through and vowed anytime we might could help others I would share.
I hope this helped some.
~J~

WOW! You poor mama. How overwhelming!

So, here's the thing. I could give advice or whatever in regards to the behavioral issues that you talked about but I think it would be more helpful to work backwards.

Things that stand out to me are the following: You moved within the last year, you went back to work, you are isolated with few friends (which I take to mean that you don't have a sufficient support network)....that alone is enough to cause a serious depressive episode in anyone. You can't meet for coffee and vent or laugh or put into perspective all of the loony things your kids do. You can't commiserate or troubleshoot...and that's critical for moms, I think...the normalizing effect of knowing other moms are fighting the same battles.

You and your daughter are in a vicious cycle of bugging the hell out of each other and what she is trying to tell you, I think, is that SHE is stressed by all of the changes in the last year. All of these things result in stress (check out the stress scale here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale)

Not only is she stressed, she is picking up on YOUR stress and my guess is that she is really scared/insecure, craving consistency and testing you to see how far you can be pushed and still love her and kids will push and push and push you to the breaking point and it is our job as parents to figure out how to be consistent and loving in spite of that.

I bet that she doesn't have the problems at school that she is having at home because she knows EXACTLY what to expect every single day. Things probably feel chaotic to her at home and thus she acts accordingly...because it sounds like you feel a bit chaotic.

Too much unstructured time is just really a recipe for disaster. It's easy to get lost, things feel unpredictable and that is PROFOUNDLY frustrating for a 4 year old--that's why you are getting so much blowback. Work for a couple of weeks on getting into a very solid routine. Block off time where you do things together and bond, like take her to the library every Wednesday after school. Bake cookies every Friday, Monday night could be family game night....things like that. Put a big schedule on the wall and put everything (like the details of a bedtime routine: bath, pus, brush teeth, storytime). This way you all will know what to expect and I guarantee that you will see some peace start to come over the family.

Good luck.

I strongly second Theresa N's suggestion. For your sake, and your daughter's.

If your car were not working right, you'd take it to an expert to help diagnose and solve the problem---that is exactly what the child psychologist, but for your child's mind and behavior (instead of a car).

(((big hugs)))

LisaK,
I feel like I too have been down this road! Seems like my second (almost 4 yr old girl) is more demanding etc than my first! One thought, some kids have to work so hard on good behavior at school/preschool, that when they get home they have to "unleash" when at home. We too have issues with sleep, I have to stay in the room until she falls asleep (so I just read my book with a book light). I have been trying to use "privileges" as incentive (screen time, book time, treats, etc) for good behavior.. kind of a "let's do this first and then we can watch a show.."
I've also tried sticker charts buidling to a reward for better sleep routines..
But that is the basics..I'm trying to build a specific routine each night so everyone knows at to expect and make the bedtime routine easier..
Our approach with excessive crying is that "it is OK to cry, in your room, but you can't come out until you calm down".. and then sometimes one of us has to go talk to the child to help them calm down a little more and sometimes the child can calm down on thier own.
The only other thought, This too will pass.. it is just a phase.. sure they tend to be cyclical.. and you will get a break with better behavior for 6 months and then cycle back to a 6 month period of difficult behavior!! That is something I've read somewhere before?
Good luck, finding the balance between busy mom, individual, and quality time with kids isn't easy.. I hope you find what works for you and your family!

She's telling you that something about "home" is not okay- it may be that she's reacting to the move, your stress, something.

I would suggest that you seek-out a therapist who can work with your daughter and your family to help you regain the appropriate balance of power. If she can hold it together for everyone else, she can do it for you too... just need to figure out why she's not!

Tell her that you called the doctor today about her behavior and he really thinks that it is from a lack of sleep. So....she is now going to have to go to bed right after dinner. And be very mater of fact about it-this is what the doctor said to do so you have to follow it. No yelling or arguing with her. Of course she will pitch a fit-you are going to have to deal with it for a little while. Soon she will realize that if she doesn' shape up she will be going to bed at this time every night. I bet that you see a remarkable change in her behavior!

I am a big fan of the old school parenting expert John Rosemond. This is one of his methods of getting kids to behave and it is supposed to really work.

I only have one piece of advice for you, it's about the socks. My MIL has issues with socks too and she's 64 years old!! Her fix for her problem is to turn them inside out, she just can't stand that toe thing under or over her toes.
Another thing is maybe your daughter has sensory disorders with some things like the socks. I went thru this with my son too, where everything had to be so that it wasn't bothering him, and everything done on time or it would completely throw him off. His sock and other clothing issues are better now but still working on his time thing.

I know your pain and its very difficult at times. I have a 3 1/2, and a 2 yr old that are difficult children to say the least. First off, sounds like you need some r&r. That always helps. When it comes to kids that age, they are constantly testing their boundaries. Just be persistent. At nap time or bed time lay her down, say your goodnights, and leave the room. If she gets up, don't say anything to her, just take her back and leave again. She may scream and cry the first few days, but it will get better. She needs to remember that you are the parent. And if you get overwhelmed, just take a moment to yourself, take deep breaths and calm yourself down. You don't want to lose your temper. She has to know that you are in control. Hang in there, parenting is the most difficult challenge you will ever face... its also the most rewarding.

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