T.N.
Hi L., I have three (now 18, 16, 13). The only 'phase' of any of them that I can remember I was feeling helpless and at my wit's end, like you are today, was my oldest when he was that age. A little older, just started kindergarten. I won't get into his behavioral issues, but like your daughter it was ONLY at home, and ONLY for ME.
I asked his ped for a referral to a child psychologist (and this was hard to do, my husband did NOT like the idea at all, and I did NOT like admitting I alone could not solve this particular parenting dilema for my OWN child, sigh).
Anyway, I told my son we were going to talk to a really nice lady who knows a LOT about 4 yr old boys and she can help us be happier (OMG the child was MISERABLE).
It only took 2 visits for she, and him, and me together to figure out the problem and come up with a plan of action.
Whether the POA REALLY worked, or he just grew past the phase, or the fact that we had an outside authority on our side, I really don't know. The point is it WORKED.
I would strongly recommend this to you. I think it made both he and I feel like a TEAM, working together to make life nicer.
(My husband {now ex} did everything in his POWER to sabatoge it, even cleared out the checking acct so I would not have the money on the days of the visits, incredibly. But this only made me more determined. I actually took our ENORMOUS change charge to the bank while he was at work and paid for it that way, sigh, sorry, off subject).
So what was specifically the issue and solution for MY child is not really the point. It's more the sense of 'Taking Action', and you and her working together to move forward.
Anyway, good luck to you! I feel your pain, but it WILL get better!
:)
Added....
You know, I'd also like to say, although my son never again had a phase quite that dramatic (and is now a feshman at an engineer college on Merit Scholarships), he DID have other rough patches. I was about to use what I learned from his therapist in just those two visits again and again.
It def annoys me a little that someone ELSE knew better than I did what to do with my kid (tehehe)....and now that I'm thinking about it, I think I might just look her up and send her an email to let her know how successful he is and how what she suggested has helped us so much!