My daughter is 26 years old. She came out of the shoot difficult and has remained difficult. She comes off as being hard and kind of untouchable. She has little desire to be close to my husband and I. Yet we have no big conflicts. It's just a distant kind of get together only a few times per year thing, facebook some, and she'll call and ask for advice on a rare occasion. She is close to her sisters and that's the thing I always wanted the most.
So anyway, she's putting her dog to sleep in the morning. He's been an angry dog and bit several times and she has always refused to believe that it was ever his fault. She paid for classes and faithfully went and used the techniques with him. She was so certain he was getting better every time. Until he did something again. He's her baby. And yet he attacked her cat badly enough she's finally decided there's no more hope for him. It's not just that. She had him evaluated by an animal rescue group and they said he's beyond help unless she spent thousands she doesn't have on a professional.
Given our relationship the way it is, I just don't know how to comfort her or if I should. Any ideas on a non-threatning way or gift or note or call I should make? She's doing it in the morning.
Thank you for all your help :) I will definitely use some of these suggestions :) And I'll try and use my words more with my daughter. When I said she was always hard, I really meant that she was always distant. With my other 3 girls and my grandson, I have had no problem with the hugs, them falling asleep on my chest as babies, the I Love you's, and staying very close physically and otherwise. This daughter never wanted to cuddle, wouldn't even think of sleeping on me or near me, and never had much to say. She was always closed off, would not tell me in a million years what was wrong when she was mad or upset. I'm not the only one that feels this way. She lived with a man for 2 years, dated him for 3 years and he finally left her because of her attitude towards her family. She doesn't hate us. She just doesn't want to be around much. He wanted more for his life and so he broke up with her. Now she's with another nice young man that is EXACTLY like her. He seems shy around us. But they seem very suited to one another and have now dated for 2 years and lived together for 1. He stayed home with her last night to comfort her. But I think I'll go out later today or in a couple of days and order flowers for her. I did send her a note on facebook.
I work at a florist and people often send a small arrangement when someone loses a pet. You could word the card something like.... Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today. Love, Mom
Why don't you get a blank card, write it out tonight & drop it in the mail in the morning? Write a simple note just letting her know you are there & you love her. Sometimes all it takes is a simple, I love you. In a few days, when she is feeling down, your card will come & it could bring a smile to her face.
As for tomorrow, do you text her? Again, a simple text int he afternoon just let's her know you're out there & you care about what she is doing.
I respect you completely for recognizing your relationship & the way it is & for being exactly what a mom should be... loving & supportive & caring, unconditionally!!
I would probably just call her and let her know how sorry you are and you understand what a difficult decision it must have been. Don't say anything like "Well, it's for the best." or anything that might sound judgmental. Depending on her reaction, you could also follow up with a "Thinking Of You" card. Flowers would be nice too.
I'm sure she has tried her best - as a veterinarian, I have had to euthanize a number of dogs (at the owners request) because their aggression made them just too dangerous and unpredictable. In none of these instances was the dog's behavior the fault of the owner - unfortunately it might have just been something in the dog's genetic make-up, or who knows. In most cases there were other family members to think about, including the safety of children, as well as liability issues. As much as I love animals, and have dedicated my education and career to helping them, even I know that the life of one animal is not worth risking the safety and well-being of others. The decision to euthanize was a heart-wrenching one for the owners and not a conclusion that they came to lightly. In most cases too, they attempted behavioral therapy and medication without success.
Looking at the big picture, I would wonder why you have found her so difficult to get along with - is it possible that, over time, with your history, she's also found it difficult to get along with you?
Well nobody is too old for comfort or a kind word. Your daughter doesn't hate you, she is just not close to you as you would like. She has come to you in the past for advice. She is probably just one of those independent girls.
I would say something like "Daughter, I know your dog meant much to you and I am sorry you have to put him to sleep, but let me know if there is anything you need from me, I am here for you...Love you!"
Hope that helps. You are offering your support without infringing on her space, etc.
I have a rescue dog right now that is generally very good, but he has nipped twice at people, so I immediately went to a behavioral therapist, which is much different than regular training and thankfully has helped us a great deal. I am so glad your daughter has done this and tried her best. I would think if I were in her position, I would want to be reassured that she did everything she could to help her pet. (I am glad she had further evaluation done.) I would imagine that she will feel guilty and that she has somehow failed her dog, and as her mom, it would be very comforting if you could reassure her and also remind her of how hard she tried. This is never an easy thing to do, even when a pet is seriously ill. I am so sorry that she is going through this.
Bless your daughter for putting as much as she did into this dog. A nice note letting her know you are glad he had her as his family and you are sorry for her loss. Given your relationship, you probably have a feel for whether or not you should say anything in person. Maybe something general as, I'm here if you need to talk to me. Also if appropriate, something to reassure her - Whatever is going on with her dog isn't her fault or his. I think all of us creatures want a happy healthy connected life, even if we have issues that get in the way of that and ultimately can't be overcome :-(.
In response to the criticisim. JUST as people can have mental illnesses, so can dogs. She is doing the responsible AND the hardest thing in this situation. What happens if she doesn't and next time he kills another animal or CHILD? This could very well happen even if she does go for the expensive professional which I imagine would have to include a vet up on the latest medication for issues such as these. WHICH in no way is guaranteed to work. This is not something that couldn't be resolved in a short period of time if at all. She has obviously tried.
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
At first I thought your were kind of cold (but in deed concerned)....Now I know you are just a very loving Mom, feeling very distant...yet proud of your daughter....Could it be that the two of you have similar personalities? I can feel how MUCH you care and that you are going through the pain with your GROWN, child. Please let her know....not with gifts, not with flower, with your WORDS! Like we always tell the little ones...use your WORDS.
Your post makes me cry. Please send her a note, tell her you love her and it hurts you to know that she is hurting. I hope someone can be there with her, its such a hard thing to go through for animal lovers.
Blessings...
I think flowers and a card would be appropriate at this time. When we lost our puppy due to a spider bite we had his leather collar pressed with his name on it, we have a small picture of him and the collar hanging down under it for a "rememberance" thing ... it may be nice to do something like that for her.
If you want to play it *really* safe, buy a blank card and write a short condolence "We were so sorry to hear of your loss. (Dog's Name) was an important part of your life. Please know we love you and are thinking of you."
Maybe send it with something healing, some soothing bath salts or offer a gift certificate for her to go to her local nursery to purchase a plant in memory of him.
My guess is that she feels terrible about this and doesn't want hear "I told you so" or "I knew this would happen". Not that you would say it, but it's always good to be mindful.
You will know if a card and gift or a phone call is the first step to addressing this. But whether you call or not, definitely acknowlege this loss and let her know you are thinking of her.
Added: And oh, wow, I'm really glad I didn't read the first post earlier. There's a lot of unsupportive (and unsupported) assumption happening on that end. SLM, I'm very sorry your very genuine and heartfelt question was met with resounding thud of a mind slamming shut.
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Maybe a card that says you are there for her, or thinking of her. I would bet Hallmark has a card for something similar. Just say that you are sorry she is hurting and that if she needs someone to talk to, cry to, or just to hug, you are there for her. Tell her you love her.
If you have a picture of this dog, or maybe can get one on Fb, you might have it framed. You can also go to craft stores and have the dog collar and tags framed in a shadow box witha picture of the dog. might be a nice memento. sorry you are feeling this way.
Make a donation to the Humane Society in her honor.
A call in the morning to see if she wants you to go with her might be good. Even if she doesn't want the company (some people would rather do this alone), she'll know you cared.
A call. Some flowers. A card. SOme time from now (weeks? months? you decide), a framed picture of her pupster might make her smile. A well meaning friend sent me one immediately after the unexpected death of my horse and I couldn't look at it for months -- but now I treasure it.
Hug to you. It's so very difficult to stand by when you know someone you love is hurting.
Can you just send her a sympathy card and tell her you are sorry for her loss?
I am so sorry your daughter has to go through this. Putting a dog down because they are ill is hard enough, but this unique situation I bet is even harder. I would acknowledge her pain and sorrow through a nice card. Hallmark has so many cards for so many different occasions. I think they even have cards for pet loss. You could send her flowers if she likes that sort of thing. The point is let her know that even though your relationship isn't as close as you would like it to be, I am sure she will appreciate that you are thinking about her during this rough time. God Bless.
A.
I think sending her flowers would touch her even if she is "hard". She was obviously very much in love with her dog, and she will be hurting greatly whether she shows it or not. Good job mama for trying to comfort your daughter. It would be nice if all mom's were so thoughtful!
thats tough.. im the same way as your daughter. its hard to put a pet down when you try so hard to correct a bad behavior. maybe call as ask to visit for a bit. when you do leave a note where you know she will find it later. she will appreciate it without feeling put on the spot. maybe even ask her that you would like to go look at pups with her when she is ready to.
How about a card or note that reads something like this......
My thoughts and prayers are with you today my daughter as I know you and (dog's name) loved each other very much. Probably as much as I love you! So feel free to reach out to me if there is anything I can do to help you get through this difficult time.
With all my love,
Mom
