I Don't Know What to Make of My Husband

My answer is pretty black and white, so sorry if it seems blunt. You both seem miserable. Get counseling, or get another animal so he will leave, and you will both be happier. It just doesn't seem like either of you is happy with the other, and nothing is done to change it (you just shrug it off), so why not push the envelope and see where you two really need to go - together or apart.

You need to discuss the animal issue. Does he not want any and you keep getting them? If so, it's a problem. As far as cleaning, whenever he has an issue with it, direct him to taking care of it himself. Many of us work full time and still have to cook, clean house, feed animals and take care of children. If you want to go back to work, do it. Sit down and divide up chores. It sounds like he may have a really skewed view on household responsibilities!

It sounds like he may be depressed. He also sounds like the kind of guy that would not get help for it.

I really don't have any advice for you, except to keep doing what you are doing.

Good Luck!

You BOTH need to put aside this attitude that the other does nothing and you do everything or you may as well call it quits.

You list your animals as part of your burden he doesn't appreciate yet apparently he doesn't want or need the animals. That is like having a car but walking to the mall and then complaining that you are tired from the walk. You chose the extra burden.

You complain that all he does is work and sleep 12 hour days? So say he works from six to six. He gets up for work at 4:30, gets home at 6:30 and has to be in bed by eight just to get eight and a half hours sleep. What exactly do you think he should be doing in that one and a half hours?

So he is working 3/4 of his waking hours so he can pay the bills and I am assuming he was upset because you ruined a bowl feeding your birds a treat and all he could see is how many hours or what part of an hour he worked to buy that bowl that you just gave a treat with.

I work, I was a single mom. I am sure my kids did not mean disrespect to me when they didn't take good care of a toy and broke it. Thing is that is exactly how I felt. Four hours I worked to buy them that toy, that I would have rather spent with them and they broke it like it grew on a tree. Clearly they didn't care about my sacrifice. Nah, they just didn't think about it until I was crying....

Now I do understand how you feel, I was a stay at home but I also know that if you do not acknowledge your part of the problem there is no way you can communicate without walls.

I really do believe that your husband knows what you do has value just as I am sure you realize it is a huge sacrifice for him to work long hours away from his family.

I just hope my post doesn't make you mad. I also hope that maybe it will help you to have a meeting of the minds without you are wrong statements. You are both right in your feelings but wrong in your attitude towards the other.

Oh B., I hope so much you get a job and then you can leave this man. What a piece of horse s*&t he is!

I understand him not liking animals, and if he weren't such a piece of horse s*&t, you two could work out a compromise. But the rest of it... my gosh.

If you can get back into your old career, which I know is hard, then please walk away from this man. You aren't worthless. In fact, you are worth a lot.

Did I mention what a piece of horse s*&t he is? Blech!!!!

Dawn

Hmmmm I was all the way on your side until you said he hates the animals. Up 'til then I thought you both loved the farm life so he seemed out of bounds.

I'm a little biased because we have good friends a bit like this. She has tons of animals and goes nuts caring for all of them, and HE doesn't even like the animals. Yet he's always having to fix pens and catch animals that escape and invest in all the upkeep and new animals...he's always saying he never intended to be supporting a bunch of animals, adn she's always busy with them.... Granted, he let her get them so that's is own fault....

I don't know. You guys aren't sounding like a really good match. All your points are valid, but I sympathize with him not loving the animals too...Try to find a common ground if there is one. His hostility toward you is NOT OK. Go back to work and get some power back. He's not respecting your role right now that's for sure, and since he's paying, it's a problem. I would offer a compromise: you'll get rid of some animals if he'll quit doing x and start doing x....or something...and if no one can budge-it's not meant to be.

Sounds like he resents the animals. Is it possible that where you both are in life is not the result of shared decisions? I suggest that there is a deeper issue than how well you do what he wants you to do.

I urge you to get counseling. If he won't go with you go for yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and must find out how to respect yourself well enough to not allow yourself to be treated this way. Find a way to know within yourself that you and your role are worthwhile so that what he things will not get you down.

You can turn this around tho it will take hard work and a hard look at how you got to this point. Find a way to change it. Tell him you will not continue to accept this treatment.

Good that you "shrugged him off" at least on the surface. Shrug him off internally, too, knowing he's WRONG. Don't fight with him but let him know that you are going to make a change and it's his choice whether or not he changes with you.

Getting back to work will help you with your self esteem and allow you to move forward without your husband if he makes that choice.

Do you BOTH want the farm life, the care, the expense, everything else? Is that a dream you share or is that just YOUR thing?
It sounds like he is working a crappy depressing job and from what you've said I can imagine he's not feeling like much of a man at this point. If I had a twelve hour a day job where I had no real work to do I think I'd be ready to jump off of a bridge :(
What did you do where you earned $100k per year? As of last year you were considering going to school to become a medical transcriptionist (sp?) a position which I am pretty sure is becoming obsolete.
If you can go back to earning the kind of money you were earning before then you will have more options. In the mean time I suggest you sit down with your husband and discuss BOTH of your concerns and needs. Go on a few fun dates and try to reconnect. Stop keeping score and figure out if you still even love each other and go from there.

I have not read the other responses and this may seem way of base, but could he be depressed or suffering from anxiety? The reason I ask is that I have been extra snippy with my DH and it took him finally pointing it out to me. The sad thing, I knew I had been moody, but felt like I had a filter. Sadly, I didn't. I am having some anxiety issues and am dealing with it and things are getting better, but it took my DH pointing out that I wasn't behaving as myself. Just a thought and may have no merit, but thought it could be worth mentioning.
Aside from that. YOU are NOT worthless. What you do has so much value. It is really tough to take care of everything at home and takes a lot of work. Many don't realize how difficult your job is, I do. :o) There are many other mommies and wives out there that do as well. Hang in there. Know your worth!

OH MY GOSH.. I'm telling you right now, don't let anyone treat you this way. If you have a support system, go to it. You need to address his outbursts, and tell him to control his anger. There must be something else that is upsetting him, to react that way. Make him figure it out, on his own, and not while affecting you family. Can you imagine growing up and seeing your father treat your mother this way? You know what happens, your daughters will think this is OK and your boys ( if u have any ) will think its OK also. Break the cycle. You are lucky that you could bring in that kind of money in the past. Set up a support system and go back to work, and until hem figures his sh*t out, get out. you ARE worth more than that, and so are your kids.

B.:

What do I think? I think I would love to hear his side of the story. It's always interesting when you hear what the other one has to say - kinda like the movie - The Dilemma....

You both are disrespecting each other. You are both keeping score and it needs to stop NOW, YESTERDAY, LAST WEEK.

You feel under-appreciated - he feels what? Disrespected? why? This isn't over a plastic bowl. There is much more going on.

I know I would tell Bob "never threaten anything to me that you don't plan on carrying out." We don't talk divorce..there have been a couple of times I wanted to broom him to the curb!! URGH!!! Man oh man!!! but divorce for us isn't an option.

I have been married for 14 years. It's not been all fun, wine and roses. We have had some good times, okay times and some bad times. What has kept us together through the bad times was communication - even if I said "Bob - I think you suck hind tit right now" - well, I was telling him how I felt. Was it always the most mature? Nope. When we are angry we say things in the heat of the moment.

According to your posts, last year you were going to school to do medical transcription. Now you are saying that you had a $100K a year job before kids? Why did you give it up? Why could HE stay home with the kids? Sounds like you are angry with him for not making enough money.

I don't know what life you to talked about and chose together. If this isn't it - it's time to sit down and regroup. You love animals - great. You resent him being gone from dawn to dusk and doing it all around the house. What were you expecting him to do?

Have you tried TALKING with him and telling him YOUR expectations? Shrugging him off and ignoring him? That isn't going to solve anything. You need to make a list of things you want to talk to him about...good and bad and let him air his grievances too.

Leaving him won't really solve anything. You have children together so you will ALWAYS be involved in each others lives. You need to have a "meeting" to get back on track and back on the same page. If after you guys talk and find out that this isn't working out - fine - but it truly sounds like you two have been caught up in life and haven't been paying attention to your marriage....resentment builds fast...start making your marriage a priority...tell him you expect the same from him. Get the problems out on the table and get back on the same page.

If the farming life isn't for him - what are you willing to do?
If he says "fine - go back to work - I'll stay home and take care of the kids!" Will you? Will you be able to make enough money to keep the family afloat?
What would happen if you did get a job? What do you think it would change?

Sorry this is so long - but marriage isn't easy. Please stop keeping score. Please start communicating with him....

I guess I don't understand why, if you have the earning potential of $100k+, you are staying home and he is working 72 hours a week?! How is that a balanced life?

In a previous post you said that you are living paycheck to paycheck. If that is still the case, and you can still work in your old job with the 6-figures, put the kids in daycare and get back to work. Your husband is probably feeling exhausted and resentful. I can't blame him if he does. That is a ton for a father to work.

I know I am not addressing much of your post, but I just can't get past the SAHM part when you are living paycheck to paycheck & he is working the equivilant of 2 full time jobs.

Get another animal and do it soon...you deserve better.

Blessings.....

From your description, he sounds like a jerk ( I am sure he has good qualities as well but what you describe is problematic.)
I don't think the issue here is money - how much you made, how much he makes, etc. but the issue is disrespect and from the sounds of it - anger. And he said he would leave you if you got another animal? There's got to be major issues going on here.

Not to sounds like a broken record - but obviously counseling has to be strongly considered.

I think you have to take a good hard look at your life and your happiness/your children's well being. I don't know how much occurs in front of them and how much of a pattern this has been - but for kids to witness dad belittling mom and criticizing constantly sends a very clear message and does not teach them the skills they need to be in healthy relationships in the future. Especially for your 14 year old daughter who is probably wanting to date soon.

How long has your husband been like this? Are there noticeable patterns or any event that made things worse? Maybe he is suffering from depression or a mood disorder? Maybe he has a problem with alcohol that you don't know about? These are just thoughts to consider when thinking about the patterns of his moods/behaviors.

Either way - going back to work is not going to solve your problems. You need to decide how much your and your children's happiness matters to you. Choice 1 - keep living like this, choice 2 - demand changes and FOLLOW THROUGH with making change yourself if he doesn't.

Good luck :/

Okay so to me: HE... has a great big inferiority complex.
He is a really insecure guy who feels inadequate.
He does mindless work.
He comes home and just sleeps.
He takes out his feelings of being miniscule, on you.
YOU...were previously the Breadwinner by far.
Now, he doesn't have you bringing in all the money. He is. And he can't even bring in the amount of money you made.
Yet, you care for EVERYTHING at home and with the family.
So he has to pick on you for something!
Don't you see?
He's taking out his own looser feelings, on you

WHY should you feel worthless??? You are not. BUT, that is how is is trying SOOOOOO hard, to make you feel like.
He... WANTS TO... turn you into less than you are.
He... WANTS TO... undermine, your sense of self and confidence... and make your memories of personal and career successes... a VERY far away long ago... memory. And he wants you to forget... you ever were so competent.
Because... he is a small minded selfish, deeply mean spirited and resentful, Man. Toward you.

You are smart. You are the brain.
He feels dumb... next to you.
He knows.. he is.
You know it... TOO.
But you don't have to 'let' him... turn you into a mindless woman/Mom.
You KNOW who you are, right???
Don't EVER EVER EVER... let him, take that away from you.
Ever.
Don't let him... succeed at that.
Ever.

You do not, deserve this.
Remember who you are and how successful you are.
Right now, your Husband is winning... because, he is making you feel "worthless" and valueless.
WHY?
Remember... your worth and who you are.
If not for yourself... for your children.

What would I do?
I'd get another animal. Because then, he'd leave you.
You seem PERFECTLY able... to handle yourself and your children and support yourselves, just fine.
You have a brain.
You have gumption.
You know how to do MANY things.
He does not.
He is just abusive and mean and has NO respect, for you. Or your kids.

You both don't really seem to have much in common.

You know it is hard on anyone's self esteem in our society to go from earning well to a job that doesn't bring home $$. I sometimes have self doubt (also had a good job and owned my own business, now home with a toddler) and my husband is pretty darn supportive!
I have to say, I also wonder about depression or some underlying issue for your guy. Are you able to talk to him at a time that the kids are not around in a nonconfrontational way? He may not realize he is being inappropriate/unfair, and may be unconsciously taking out depression, stress, etc on you. Is he worried about money? Maybe it would relieve some stress if you worked part-time? Are you fully understanding how he feels/what his issues are?
However, if he comes from an emotionally/verbally abusive family, these actions may seem 'normal' to him. I would try a counselor, and would not stay on if this becomes a long-term pattern. Your kids are likely to either emulate/copy his behavior as adults, or choose a partner who acts like him, and for that reason I don't believe in staying in an ugly relationship "for the kids," as people say. Good luck, and try to stand back and take a fair look at the whole picture.

Would he go to marriage counseling?
Have you talked to him, adult-to-adult, about his attitude?

Marriage, at it's best, is a partnership, not a money-making competition!
The job you're doing now is every bit as important as the job you were doing when you earned 100K per year. Maybe more important.

I think you'll know when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. No O. else here is walking in your shoes so take what advice you get with a grain (or two) of salt.

All the best!

When you hold up a household and do not get a paycheck it is usually harder to put value to your work and self. You are worthy of being treated with respect. My suggestion is marriage counseling and setting yourself in a position to easily take care of yourself and children. If you have any way of easing your life such as reducing responsibilites for animals or household I would do it and focus on you and your childrens happiness and well being. If things do not change then be decisive for your household happiness.

Wow, what an eye opener. I bet before you stayed at home he treated you with more respect.
Even if he doesn't actually hit you, he sounds abusive and not like someone you would want to be around or raise kids with. It's only a minute step from throwing something "around" to throwing something at you...

Find a job and kick him out. ASAP. Tell him he can come back after he has agreed to and successfully went to marriage counseling with you AND gotten help for his temper.

If this behavior is new (and not an escalation of an explosive temper that he has always had) he should also get a mental health evaluation. Night shifts can really screw with the brain chemistry and he may have developed some mental health issues. If he has always been a jerk, well... if he is committed to his marriage he may be willing to work on it.

But again, you need to keep yourself and your kids safe, mentally and physically, and that should be your priority.

Good luck.

It's really hard to answer this without all the information,
how long have you been married - 15+ years?
if it hates that animals, who's idea was it to get them in the first place and how long have you had them?
was it a mutual decision that you would give up your career to stay home with the kids?
are you struggling financially - it sounds like it?
did you both decide to have this 3rd child?

Here's what I think...

Communication and respect are 2 of the most important things in a marraige and right now neither of you have those.

You were living very comfortably on both salaries. Before the 3rd child you had a comfortable lifestyle and you both contributed financially, you both shared chores, and you had time for each other. When you decided to have more children, you did not fully discuss it and plan accordingly. You resent him because he can not and/or does not adequately contribute to the household chores. He resents you because he needs to work 2 jobs (35 hours is full time - he works 72). You don't understand that even though they maybe "easy" work, it's still a lot of hours and a lot of time away from the family, that he is tired and all he really has is 2 hours a day of free time (work, commute, sleep, eat, shower = 22 hours). He doesn't understand what's it like to take care of 2 small children and run a household.

I think you need to make some major changes immediately.

I do want to point out to those that don't know...in the medical world, six 12-hour shifts a week is the equivalent of two full-time jobs.

I agree with the people that said that this issue is much deeper than a plastic bowl or socks. It is clear, at least to me, that both of you have needs that are going unmet. Until both of you recognize what those needs are, and EFFECTIVELY and LOVINGLY communicate them to one another, things are not going to get better.

Sounds like a man that is very unhappy with himself. He needs to see someone. Sit him down and give him the list of how his attitude towards you has changed. Ask him why. You are still the same smart person as you were before just not making a 100k. If he won't listen to reason, get a job making $100k and buy a pygmy goat! I had to divorce the man that treated me that after 12 years of the same mess. It will eat at your soul. Good luck and prayers to you.

You do not deserve this. Get counseling. Do not change to try to make him happy.

First, you have the most important job in the world right now! Just ask your kids if you are doing a good job. It sounds like your husband is hurting right now. Hurt people hurt people. Does he not feel respected at work? Does he think that you don't believe he is a good provider? It doesn't matter how you feel but how he thinks you feel. Men need to feel like they are the most important person in the world to their woman. Once they feel that, all those other behaviors go away.

It just sounds like he is trying to be the MAN and is going about it all the wrong way. This can change. Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She is so practical and tells women how much power they have in getting good behavior out of a man (assuming you picked a good one).

And as a side note, she also wrote, "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms." It's a great book that clearly tells you of your great worth.

get another chicken...... ; )

Sounds like something is bugging him much deeper and needs to come to the surface.

Go up to him. Look him straight in the eyes and say "if your so freaking unhappy, then leave"!

If he leaves it's because he doesn't love you and the kids any more or maybe there is another woman.

Just know that you deserve the best and if he can't give it to you then it is up to you to change your situation for the better.

I wish you the best.

Merry Christmas.

B., getting another job and going back to work is not going to fix these issues. Seek counseling if you truly want to change your marriage.

Get another animal, he'll leave & you'll be happy! Don't take him back no matter how much he apologizes or says "he's sorry he won't do it again..." that's just another way to control you & the situation. You know already this is a bad situation. I was w/someone for 3 whole years who was the same way & tried to leave him at least 10 times before being successful. It helped that I was able to get my own place. If you prefer to stay there, then make him leave & don't take him back, no matter what. Be strong! You can do it! Some men just behave this way b/c they have this feeling of insecurity & feel inferior to their significant others maybe b/c of something they may've experienced in the past or perhaps growing up in the same type of environment & "just don't know better" & using it as an excuse or maybe they're just control freaks by nature, sometimes it can even be a mood change due to medical condition like a brain tumor. Whatever the reason, he has to change himself, there's not much 'you' can do to change his ways. Best thing is to just remove yourself from the situation & move forward but above all, do NOT take him back no matter how you think he may've changed later on. Be strong, good luck!

Maybe he's jealous that you get to stay home now and he has to work.
My husband is a hard worker but when I came home (not with his blessing), he would make comments about me "getting" to stay home and him having to work outside the home. AND he would remind me that his mom worked while they were growing up. (she had 2 kids we had 4!)

Now, I don't condone his behavior at all, but...I worked nights for years so I could be home during the day for my kids. Let me just say in two words...It sucks!!! It does mess with your circadian rhythm (sp) and can do all kinds of stuff to your body both physical and emotional. I was cranky as *#!+. So, my first suggestion would be to let him know how things have changed and suggest that you all start anew by looking for a day job soon!!! See if changing to a day job will help. I just know in my personal experience, I could never get enough sleep ( or feel like I did) and going to days made all the difference in my cranky disposition.

If that doesn't help, then get some professional help. And please don't throw away your marriage by buying another animal .

KP