I Don't Know What Do To!

The book The No Cry Sleep Solution is great (by Elizabeth Pantley). She wrote the book after her fifth baby and she was at her wit's end with sleep patterns.

A. - I am not a "schedule mom". I work full time but am a teacher and did have the luxury of spending the first 5-6 months with my children. I just fed them when they were hungry and let them sleep when they wanted to sleep. Both of my girls developed their own schedule on their own. They are now 1 and 5 and they both have their own routines...don't stress. All of my friends talk about what a laid back mom I am and wish they could be that way...Hope that helps...

Hi A.,

I was just talking to my neighbor about this BEFORE she gets to this point - She just had her second one yesterday. Anyway, I have 4 children with a 7 year gap between #2 & #3. The one thing I learned was one of the hardest things I've had to do. As much as you want to allow your 9 monther to sleep, you need a life too. This is what I did - once per baby:

I played with them and engaged them in everyday activities throughout the day. When they tired AFTER LUNCH I'd put them down for NO MORE THAN 2 HOURS a day. When they awoke, I'd do the same thing until bedtime, which I made a ritual of. You decide what that should be, but keep it the same every night. When your baby wakes up in the middle of the night, go see if everyting is okay and let him know you're there with a soothing voice and touch. Go away for @ 3-4 minutes. Come back and do the SAME EXACT THING, but this time be gone for @ 6-7 and so on until he gets the message that IT'S TIME TO SLEEP, NOT PLAY. Trust me, it'll HURT EVERY PART OF YOUR BEING - but you are the adult, and this too shall pass. This may take a day or a week, but YOU MUST BE CONSISTANT. Let me know when he sleeps through the night and everything is okay. REMEMBER - CONSISTANCY. Good Luck - M.

Letting them cry is never easy. It is the fastest way to help them learn to sleep on their own, however. There are "no cry" methods out there. go to BabyCenter.com if you want to check them out. Pay attention to when he takes his nap in the day (on the days he does take them), and try to work that into your plan for a sleep schedule. Make a routine, ie. get him into jammies, read/rock or sing and dance around the room, and then lay him down to sleep, say good-night and leave the room. If you prolong the good night after laying him down, it's harder for him. No matter what routine you teach him, he does need a routine. It's routines that provide babies with something they can count on in a big world of uncertanties. it makes them feel safe/secure. I read a lot of helpful articles on the BabyCenter website. I encourage you to check it out. Good Luck!
J.

I'm not sure I understand. What difference does it make if he sleeps longer some times than others? Why does he have to be consistent! (My son at 9 mos. had so many ailments, I would have been grateful if he slept a lot.) As for crying, I don't want to hear a baby cry either. Why is he crying? If it's a routine you need for him, that should be easy enough with two other children in the house. Just bring him to the dinner table when they sit down. Put him in bed when they go to bed. If he falls asleep sooner, all the better. If he cries when you put him to bed at a reasonable hour, he should stop shortly. Do you read to him, sooth him?

Sorry, I'm not really much help, but I know my grandchildren never cry. My daughter-in-law lies down with her infants. She devotes herself to them. Many times, I have seen her excuse herself in the middle of dinner or a party or whatever and just disappear into the bedroom with the baby. I don't see her again until the next day. The other kids sorta take a back seat while the littlest one is getting on her feet. She also breast feets. She also uses a sling. The baby is pretty much with her all the time. And they simply never cry. It's an amazing thing, but then she's devoted to her babies. Of course if you have a job, you can't be a mother all the time. I don't know your situation but don't cry! You have two other children to think about.

I wish you luck!

I agree you are doing great! It is so frustrating to hear your baby crying. I have an 11 month old and around 7 months I started getting her on a schedule at night time...with her bath and bedtime routine and for the about the first week and a half I had to let her cry and would check on her every 10 minutes without picking her up. I know that when she cries for 2 minutes it feels like an hour to me, but doing this helps them to know that they can sleep on their own and when they wake during the night they can put themselves back to sleep. I just read something about how all baby's wake at night, just like adults do, we just always go back to sleep. My baby girl didn't like to nap during the day either, but the dr. said she really only needs about 12 hours of sleep a day. Now she does nap though because she is so used to putting herself to sleep on her own in her bed. It just takes time and I don't know how you do it with three kids! But you need to not feel guilty for needing time to yourself and I really think it would take less than 2 weeks to make a schedule happen. Good luck! You are being a good Mommy!

Get your infant on a sleeping schedule. Do not spoil the infant because this will eventually cause him to manipulate you as he ages. Good luck.

I have 2 girls that are about to turn 5 and 3. When they were babies, I never believed in schedules. I let my kids sleep as long as they wanted and wake up any time they wanted. I would lay down with them for naps and if they wouldn't sleep, all they had to do was have quiet time. It worked. Now they are older, they are getting on a schedule because school dictates it. Babies are only babies once. I enjoyed being "free" with them and letting or moods control our daily schedules. Babies will cry. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't worry about spoiling them. As long as you show them love, I believe that they will love and respect you back. Now, when they are 2 and 4 yrs old, that's a different story!
Hugs,
J. R

I can't let my kids cry it out either. I recommend the book "No Cry Sleep Solution". I found it helpful, nurturing and interesting.
Best wishes to you. Big a mom is so hard and doing it as a single mom must be really hard. I commend you.

It is not realistic that he will never cry. Sleep is so important for so many reasons for a child and so is having some sort of schedule. Babies respond best when they know what to expect and that is what a schedule does for them. It is the best thing you can do for him. My 14 month old loves to pull the knives out of the dishwasher when Im loading it. When I take the knife away from him, he cries....screams!, because he wants to play with it. But, since Im the adult and have more experience, I know that he can really hurt himself if I allow him to play with a knife, so I let him cry and give him something else to play with. Your 9 month old does not know what is best. Your the adult. You are being a good parent by doing what is best for him. I highly reccomend a book called Happy Child, Healthy Sleep Habits. It will help you get him on a sleep routine. But know, that this late in the game, there is going to be some crying....probably alot, but trust me, the best thing you can do is teach your baby to sleep. I used this book for both of my boys and they are both happy, healthy kids and great sle epers. People mention to me all the time how happy my kids are...they even ask for sleep when they are tired. But, it took some crying to get there. I also think another great book for you is Dare to Discipline by James Dobson. He has great practical tips, but also explains the importance of parenting and not letting your child run the show (that actually sets them up for failure later on in life).

I am not a strict parent by any means...my kids and I have a blast, but having some structure in their lives is important. (and much easier to recover when we have days that the schedule is out the window...like when we take off to San Antonio for the day to hit the zoo!!)

Hang in there and good luck!

YOU are doing great.
My advice to you is to follow your gut. If you want to cater to his needs, do so without any guilt! If he would fall asleep quicker because you are there, then so be it.

Life's too short to want our kids to act like grown-ups. I'm amazed by mothers who expect their four week old babies to sleep the night through. So what if they need a little hand once in a while? (or the whole time)!

You've been there before with your previous children and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that maybe it's because you're older that you appreciate it a little more. That's how it is. I've noticed that older/mature parents are a little more patient because of the realization that life is too short and don't let their babies cry as much as younger parents to. I'm generalizing, but it's what i've personally noticed.

If you need a resource, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby" is a helpful book.

Again, don't second-guess yourself, and don't ever feel guilty for not letting your baby cry it out. Love your baby as if it were your last day with him.

the best thing I can tell you to do is to put all of your kids on a sleeping schedule, especially your baby. I know that you may want to baby your baby, but in the long run it will only cause more problems. Try putting him to bed around 8 every evening. Get him up around 7am and try to put him down for a nap after lunch(11am or 12pm). It may take a while for him to get used to it but it will help out in the long run.

We never let our kids cry either. Who says we have to let them cry?

Who says they have to sleep the exact same amount every night?
Do you sleep, eat, play the exact amount every day? I don't.

When mine were little, I did sometimes wake them up from a long sleep because I had to have a little bit of a schedule. To be able to get every fed, dressed, and out the door for different things.

In the summer when there was no school, I still did a tiny bit of schedule. For ex: I said everyone has to get their bath after supper. But I don't believe we were made to stick to rigid schedules and we don't have to let our kids just cry.

Hang in there.

Hi A.!
Don't loose hope! It will all work out. I am a mother of 4 children (6yrs, 5yrs, 3yrs, & 16 months). All my babies have been different with their sleep schedules. I have always attempted to "put them on a schedule", but sometimes that just doesn't work.
I lay my little ones down at a set time every night when they're infants, and yes, at first, they cry. They eventually get the hang of it. I also used a sling with my youngest, and it seemed to soothe him. Babies just want to be near you so let him be! At the same time, don't be afraid to let him cry. It hurts your heart, but babies need to learn that you can't ALWAYS hold them. No matter how much you may want to. Just try to pick a time that you want him "in bed" by, and try not to let him nap too close to that time. His "schedule" will continue to change the older he gets. Sorry if I haven't been much help. Good luck and may the Lord bless you!

Dont be so hard on your self. Your going crazy because your still not use to having 3 kids at one time, thats normal. Also because your others are so much older, and you think you lost your touch of being a little ones mommy. How you can help your self is to try and get your little one on a regular schedule. It wil be hard for you at the begining but doing it now will help later on in life. Start by waking him up every day around the same time. do breakfast. Have your fun time, do lunch, take a nap with him (if needed lay on the couch or on a mat around him)try not to hold him till he falls asleep (let him do it on his own) allow him to sleep at the most 3 hours. Then put him to sleep around 8pm. You say he sleeps all night so theres no problems there. so just try to get the days going right for you and your little man. If he starts to get cranky while you are laying him down for a nap just start saying mommys tired and show him your closing your eyes too. He sill pick up on this soon and will learn to take a nap with you. After he falls asleep if you dont fall asleep you can get up and do the things you needed to do.

I had the same problem with my son when he was a baby. He was just like yours not having a sleep schedule and waking up at night. Now his is 4 with sisters ages 12 and 7. I was a single mom up until last year. So I really do understand the frustrations that you are facing and why you are feeling that you are doing everything wrong this go around. I promise it will pass and you will see that your still the good parent that you use to be.

Wow, if you don't have a heart to let him cry a couple of times I am not sure if you can win. He will continue to control the house and your schedule. Maybe you need a schedule in the house on the days you are home so that the routine is the same, similar to the days you are at work. Try it, see if it works, have a cup of tea outside the first few times you have to put him down when he does not want to go so you don't have to listen to him cry.

I have friends that have their kids on a schedule down to the minute. I have another friend that never makes her kids take a nap, much less have a regular bed time. I have been somewhere in the middle. I think they need their nap, but I'm flexible on timing. All of the kids survive and seem happy. You're spoiling him only when you're not teaching him good values and correct behavior. Sometimes our actions or inaction does that. When it comes to his sleep routine, just be consistent with what works for you both.

Go buy the book Babywise and Babywise II. It works. The first book is for 0-4 months and the second book is for 5 - 15 months. The first book discusses how to get your baby on a schedule. The second book assumes your baby is alreay on a schedule.

This is the best thing I have ever done. I know when I can run errands. Plus she sleeps the same amount every night and nap.

Dear A.,

It's exasperating to be a mother! I only have one, so I really admire your courage in taking on three. However, as far as your little one's sleeping schedule, it sounds normal and not too bad. I know it's not convenient, but he is sleeping through the night--that's great! And different kids have different napping habits. I think you're right, you can't force him to sleep. He will sleep if he needs to. Some kids nap longer than others (my 3-year old's naps are rare nowadays, but when he is tired, he simply falls asleep; his body knows better than me, or himself).

Mothering.com is a great parenting site (connected to the magazine 'Mothering'). They have very good articles about sleeping, great arguments against 'crying it out'. I recommend it highly for some more clarity.

Meanwhile, it sounds like maybe you need some help? Perhaps a babysitter a few times a week so you can have some time to yourself? That can be lifesaving.

Good luck,
G.

Your intuition is correct...no need to let your son CIO. Do you have a regular bedtime schedule and routine? I have 3 kids and I was never a stickler for precise nap times. I just let them sleep in the afternoon when they were tired. However, at night, I am adament about going to bed at the same time (roughly) every night. Go to bed early yourself. Be thankful that your baby sleeps through the night (mine never did). Relax and enjoy your little blessing. Do you have any young girls that live near by? I had a Mother's Helper (the little girl was 12) and she played with my children which enabled me to start dinner, do a load of laundry, or empty the dishwasher.

A.,

You are doing what your heart tells you. I never let my kids cry it out! Not in me to do that. I cater to my children because I can and I try to treasure every moment I have with them. We are blessed to be able to stay home with them. Why not enjoy them. Maybe you can try more activities when the child is awake.

God Bless,
J.

I used to have a hard time letting my little ones cry and sometimes still do. But what saved me back then was that I would let them cry themselves to sleep and though it was hard, I just kept telling myself that they're not hurt, broken or bleeding. They're only crying because they want their way. This worked for me and soon, my girls weren't fighting me about it because they knew that they're tears don't work!