I am new to the whole STEP-MOM role, I have been "Titi" and have that role down pact! I am conflicted, I know it is not my place, although, I feel it is... Ok, my 4yr old is turning 5 on saturday, I have made plans, have been talking about his birthday since before christmas; but money is tight. We have seperated an alotted amount to make his birthday special... but thats not the issue. The issue is his grandmother wants to take him to another little boys birthday party, they're going to have a big thing at chuckie cheese and he'll get out of the city for the weekend. His father is being laidback about the issue and is unsure of which is best for him since we could save a few dollars and take him out "another" day...
I realize he will have a blast, but he would have a blast laying in the bed next to us coloring, having a lazy afternoon. He likes just being with us, rather than play with other kids he prefers if one of us plays with him. Since he is this way, I was thinking being with us would be best....
I made plans for his cousins to join us at the childrens museum and then have a small family party... Am I being selfish because I want to celebrate his birthday on his birthday with him. Should I cancel the museum and drop the issue letting it all go???
Thank you so much ladies.... Last night I was told that we are going to the museum as planned. I was shocked since he told me in the middle of another conversation, totally out of left field, but I am ecstatic!!! His grandmother is wonderful; she just didn't realize we had made plans with his cousins and with the museum. She thought she would help us and at the same time kill two birds with one stone, celebrate his birthday and keep an obligation in Albany for the following day with her friend whose grandson happened to be celebrating his birthday on Saturday as well.
I thought we should talk to him about it, like so many of you suggested, but I didn't want to seem like I was fighting an issue I didn't feel I had much say in, although I was told yesterday "he is just as important to you, as you are to me and him, your opinion counts", I still don’t feel I have a voice in matters when it comes to him. Nor did I want him to feel like he had to choose grandma's plans over my plans.
His father asked him at bedtime if he could do anything he wanted on his birthday, what would it be, and he responded "go to the zoo...." and he paused and said "nah its too cold" so he took it back and said "umm, remember you said I could get candy, can you take me to get alot of candy, i mean alot alot ALOT of candy?"
He won’t be getting alot alot alot of candy... maybe a special lollipop or a special piece of candy, but no OD-ing! LOL, he's funny though, he opened his eyes as wide as he thought of all the candy he could get..... then giggling uncontrollably at the idea.... he’s such a cutie pie!
Anyways, thank you all. We will be keeping our original plans. By the way, I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to answer me. My sister suggested this site… Originally I thought I had no place being on a site for mothers, but I know so many of us that play the MOM role that it doesn’t matter if you’re the biological mom, your still a mom. It is important for me to have a place like this I can bounce off my questions and get answers without the feeling of being an outsider. With that being said, THANK YOU!
You should not be making decisions for this child's birthday. That is up to his father. You are not even married to the man. Make suggestions to the father but let it be his decision as to where his son should be on his birthday.
Chuckie Cheese is evil. Talk about over-stimulation and a promised meltdown. Stay home. Go to the Children's museum. Don't go to another kids' birthday party on his birthday. That would suck.
I think you should just ask him which he prefers to do! It's his birthday, so he should have the choice.
You sound like a great step-mom! Good luck!
I think you are right,as this other party is on the same day as your "step son's" birthday and the day should be about celebrating his birth into the world. Is his grandmother invited to this day you have planned? As a grandmother myself, I would want to celebrate this day with my grandson and family. The whole key here is the actual day. It sounds as though you are recently into this relationship, I think dad needs to step in here and insist on wanting to spend this special day with his son.
I agree with Lisa. Ask him what he prefers. Either way sounds like he is getting alot of love from all sides & he is a very lucky boy. Don't sweat it.
Hi J. R I am a mother of 4 and let me just say to you if the baby want to be with you and dad then so be it.Especially if you already have plans. Go on with them because right now you are the mother of that baby and if dad is on your side to heck with everyone else.and to add to that i am a single parent in a relationship but not with my children father.but the man im with do have say so when it come down to my babies because he's there for us.and if we make plans and their grandparents want them and he say other wise i go with what he say and they will have to get them another day.
Did you ask him what he wants J.? I know he is very young but sometimes it helps to say "If you could choose between spending your actual birthday going to CEC with so-and-so or spending the day with us going to the museum and having a party with your cousins, which would you rather do?" While I wouldn't do it to let him control situations per se, I think it would help give your husband and you some more information to base your final decision on.
Good luck!
You raise him, take care of him, and spend your life dedicated to him. His birthday is just as much a holiday for you as it is for him so you can do something special which you will all enjoy. Go with your plans.
And....
Why would he want to go to another's party on his own birthday and watch someone else get a cake and presents and so on on his birthday with him not getting one? Chuckie Cheese will be there next time you want to plan an outing.
If you have already planned a family outing/party/celebration and invited the others to take part, I would not cancel because the grandmother wants to take him to some other kid's party on HIS birthday. This is his celebration. NOt to mention that if you've invited young cousins, etc - you will be disappointing these children who are looking forward to the occasion. This is your stepson's day. I agree that there are certain things that children could choose, but if the young cousins are aware that they have been invited to his birthday, I would not give him the choice to disappoint them.
J.,
Sounds like you want so much for this relationship to work and also that you are a very loving and caring stepmom.
The truth though is that you are a "stepmom". Be a loving presence to this adorable child. Let his father make the decisions. Try to be on good terms with his grandparents. Its not about whose right and whose wrong. Its about relationships and how you go about forming them, slowly, over time, with all the people who are important to your family. I think you need to back off and try not to feel that you have "lost".
Judy
Hello,
You honestly sound like a wonderful step mom. He can always spend time with you guys or go to the museum. I would honestly ask him what he wants to do and maybe when he comes home or one of those days cut a little cake with thim so he doesn't think anybody forgot. 5 yr old we always know is going to want to do something more fun than what we always plan. Do not worry about it? Trust me anything that can help financally will be helpful. I would just let him go but ask him what he wants to do it is the best?
Good Luck and put a update curious to find out what he wants?
Who wants to go to a birthday party for someone else on their own birthday. I am a step-mom to a 12 and 10 year old I have had them since 2001. Their Mom doesn't really participate - only now and then when it's convenient for her or she needs an ego boost. I say put your foot down now with the grandmother and make sure your husband is on the same page. If you let her run the show now - she always will. But I would also get him out there for play dates - socializing is a very important skill and my 10 year old son has a hard time in that respect because he didn't socialize when he was much younger. Anyway - good luck to you - it only get harder!!!!
Hi J.: Birthdays are special times for parents to celebrate with their children an important step in their lives. In my opinion it is better to celebrate as planned with his cousins and go to the museum. It is important to have your husbands support because grandma will probably try to convince him that her plan is better. You could also include grandma in the museum visit so she doesn't feel left out. Talk it over with your husband, reach an agreement and send out your invitations to make it official. M. P.
I am also a step-mother and have been for 3 years now. We have joint birthday parties with his mother every year only because she's 10 minutes away from us and we usually do the friends party over the weekend. BUT if his actual birthday falls during the week whoever has him gets to take him out to celebrate.
I would keep your plans as is and tell the grandparents that after your party, you would be more than happy to drop him off so they can celebrate with him. If you cancel your plans, your son might feel that his birthday party isn't important enough to you. Make him feel special. He can go to another birthday party at any time.
I think in this case you would want to ask your step son what he wants to do. I am a step mom, but the mother is in my step sons life. I know he may seem young, but he may want to try going to another party. The mueseum is always going to be around, but your not 5 again. I have a 5 almost 6 year old daughter and I know how you feel about not wanting them to miss out on anything. I grew up very poor and was never invited anywhere. If I was we couldn't afford it and I miss out on alot. So I do may sure my daughter gets to go to the Birthday parties and any trip that school provides for our children. Please ask your little boy and if you have a good relationship with his grandmother, speek to her about it too. I do have to say, if it's your husbands mother(like my husband) he wont come between his relationship with mom. sorry for that. GGOD LUCK and let me know how it turns out. :) cor
I really do agree with the other two posters. My daughter is turning 5 on Friday, she definitely would be able to tell me what she prefers to do.
I always have to ask myself this question when I am torn about things like this. Is this about what *I* want and feel ?? or is it about what the other person ( in this case your SS) wants? . I think he should be able to do what he wants on his birthday.
However it turns out, you sound like a fantastic , loving step mom . Good luck!
Stick to your instincts. You are creating a new family together and your opinion matters. He needs time with Mom and Dad more than with Grandma... and he needs his birthday celebrated on his special day with his family... more than he needs chucky cheese! My mom was out of the picture when I was 7 and my Step Mom came into the family with a whole new set of ideas, structures, diets, order and LOVE! I am so thankful that she fought with my father about bedtimes and TV limits and instead baked cookies with me and listened to Annie or The Phantom of the Opera.... drawing and playing. I know it was hard for her to do sometimes, but in the end, both me and my brother benefited from a family unit that was centered around family values. Having not had that kind of attention from a "mom" until the age of 7 was hard. It meant even more to me when I got it. I'm sure you do not need to spend a lot of money to make his day special. Balloons and simple decorations in the morning to surprise him.... his favorite meal.... one or two well chosen presents... and a cake. He will be thrilled if your presense is genuine... which it obviously is. I think you should fight for a family birthday... to show him how special he is to all of you!!!
Good luck,
a
Your playing the role of mom. I think you should keep your plans because you know what is best for your child. Make these memories special and do them in a way he will remember them. The museum thing sounds wonderful. Im sure it will be fun. There will be many other kid parties for him to go to!
I must agree with those that say to ask your step-son. He is old enough to decide what he wants to do on his birthday. At that age, having his own party ON his birthday doesn't really register. Being able to make his own decision will make him feel like a "big boy" and encourage independent thinking on his part. Kids love to make their own choices. Whatever you decide to do, know that he will love you no matter what. Good luck and keep up the great work!
The first thing that came to me after reading this was, he's five years old, could he not make that choice for himself how he wants to spend his birthday? Explain his options for him and maybe let him decide or at least have some input. This way if he chooses your plan (plan A) then you dont have to feel guilty about it being at your insistence. Also, when you give the options, you could say plan A or plan B, as to not make it seem like he's choosing between you and his Grandma, you know?
You answered your own question - "Am I being selfish because I want to celebrate his birthday on his birthday with him. Should I cancel the museum and drop the issue letting it all go???".
Ask him what he wants. And why can't he have both? Why can't he have a lazy time in bed with you in the am, or next day? Make sure you know and DO what he wants.
Flexibility is the key as well as what the boy wants. Ask him, don't lead him on with the glories of one choice over the other, but put simply put it out there. Celebrate his birthday on the following day if Chuckie Cheese wins out....which I think it might. You didn't say whether the othe party was for a relative or not which would also have some relevance. It's important to keep in mind that he may enjoy "hanging" with you but it is always more fun to interact with your own peers at a BD party!
I would ask your child which he would prefer to do. After giving him the details of both ideas let him make up his own mind. It is his "special" day after all. Explain to the grandmother that the child is old enough to decide for himself which he would like to do and then stand firm and do what the child wants to do. Do I think you're being selfish by wanting to be with him, absolutely not.
Hello J., I can sense in your email your anxiety over this whole thing. I would suggest that you let him have his day with his grandmother, and then save your special day for another time. That way, he will have two memories to cherish, and grandmother won't get offended, hubby wouldn't be placed in the middle, and step-son won't remember how you wouldn't allow him to go with grandmother. Do you see what I mean? Everything will be okay. Have a great day!
I am also a step mom. Both kids were 4 and 6 and now they are 12 and 14. Mom is also out of the picture. On their own the children decided to call me Mom. Because you are Mom now and Dad is laid back about all of this, You are the one to make the decisions. It is his birthday and I would want to spend it with him doing what he enjoys. Tell Grandparents politely with your husbands support and plan your day.
Good Luck! Have Fun.
I can understand your wanting to share your so to be, 5 year olds birthday on the date - but at 5 years old he should enjoy being with other children! Time alone with you and the family is daily, you can celebrate his birthday the day before or the day after - it's still a celebration. At five years old he should be playing with children his own age, especially since he will be going to school soon. I think at this stage, it's important to think of what is best for the healthy, development of your child. Learning how to play with other children is a big step and one that he must learn and what better way than the fun at Chuckie Cheese!
I am Step Mom of 2 (boy 10, girl 9), we met when they were 6 & 5. We have an incredible relationship. They are with us 50% of the time. We alternate all holidays and sometimes can't celebrate on the actual date. I don't like it but that is just the way it is. Kids love the time spent, they really don't remember the date on the calendar.....actually when we think back, we remember the fun we had and cant remember if it was on the actual birthday date or holiday and have to go back to the calendar to check.
You can still make his birthday special and he can still enjoy the weekend with Chuckie Cheese and his Grandma. You could do something special the night before...surprise him with an early Birthday cake...just the three of you and have the party on the following weekend......and he gets 2 celebrations! Also, you don't need to spend a lot of money to make a 5 year old feel special....
It might be helpful to know if the grandmother is the maternal or paternal grandma. It sounds like she is your husbands mother. If that's the case then she shouldn't want to take your son away from you both but should let him enjoy the day with you and your husband, then come over later for some quality time with him herself. Children need thier special day and I see absolutely no reason why he should have to give up his time to go to someone else's birthday party.
If she is the maternal grandma then you may want to find out if there are other reasons for taking him. Meaning does she feel there is not enough time for her to spend with him or does she feel left out. But again, as long as she is invited to come for a family party in the evening and is not being kept out of things then she should be accepting that you and your husband will be spending the day relaxing with your son.
No matter what I hope you, your husband, and your son have a wonderful day and I hope that the little one has a happy and wonderful birthday.
First of all, it's not about you, it's about the child. With his mommy gone and you new to the scene, it's confusing and distressing. No matter what the situation with his mommy, whether she was a good mom/dreadful mom for a time or not, it's distressing to a child. He has lost his mommy (as least for now) and that in and of itself is a TRAGIC event for a child. Don't make it any more distressing than it has to be.
Now, you failed to mention if his grandma in this case is the paternal or maternal grandma. If it's his maternal grandma there may be some other issues going on, if it's his paternal grandma it may not be so complicated.
You said his grandma wants to take him to "another" boys birthday party, I don't get it, it's your boyfriends sons birthday, so what does the other boys birthday party have to do with the sons birthday??? You are leaving too much information out here for anyone to give you proper advice.
Certainly another boys birthday party cannot replace a personal birthday celebration.
In any case why don't you ask your boyfriends son what he'd like to do for his birthday and whatever you do, do it together with his grandma!! Invite his grandma to whatever you decide to do, she was a part of his life long before you were, if she gets a sense that you are NOT competing with her she will feel much more comfortable about the situation and maybe next year there will be no conflict. The thing is the grandmother may be competing with you, well someone has to be the "bigger" person here, so it may as well be you. If the child has a good relationship with his grandma, there is nothing that will sooth him more than to see his family together (or what is left of it) enjoying themselves at HIS little party.
Stop competing with his grandma, and stop trying to impress your boyfriend. The child's feelings are what matters here, not yours.
And if this is your boyfriends sons first birthday without his mommy you can be darn sure he is yearning for her in his soul, sounds deep because it is. It may be a good idea for his daddy to very gently broach that subject with his son; letting him know that it is OK to talk about mommy and miss mommy.
If you want more advice, provide more details and I'll check the email in a couple of days.
No one said it was going to be easy.....
Respectfully,
NB
Jess,
As much as this seems like a special day for you and your son,
I would have to say, let him go to chuckie cheese
he will enjoy it, and make friends,
YOU COULD GO WITH HIM
and he would love that, and then on SUNDAY, Go to the Children's Museum, Or you could even just enroll him in swimming classes at the YMCA, I am sure he would love that.
He is your BOY and every mom wants to do something special with their child,so make it special and wake up really early and have a BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST PARTY, and later a BIRTHDAY DINNER PARTY , and For about 20 dollars he can have his own little Chucky Cheese Birthday party.
Whatever you decide, PUT HIS NEEDS FIRST,
and trust me, as much as he may love being with his parents,
he will LOVE chucky Cheese.
Good luck
Meg
Hi J.
You seem like a very warm person. It takes a big heart to truly become a mother to someone else child, which you have done. You have the rest of the year to do all that you wanna do with him. Let his grandmother have that ONE day... I would let go, relax, and plan your day on another day coming up.
I hope it helps,
with aff,
mm
Ask him how he wants to spend his birthday. He's old enough to make that small of a decision on his own. He might even choose to do both, so then his birthday would be celebrated the following weekend. There's no reason he couldn't do both.
Hi J.,
Why don't you just ask him what he wants to do? You can always take him to the children's musuem or lay around the house coloring. But Chuck E. Cheese parties are few and far between (at least in my kids eyes anyway:-).
I say if He wants to go to CEC, let him go. Make him feel special by givning him the choice and letting him decide. Especially if he is shy...it'd be good for him to socialize with other children.
Good luck and don't stress over your decision. Whatever happens he'll be fine.
