I Desperately Need Help, Please Help Me - South Burlington,VT

J.-this is something that is SO hard to help you with because we don't know your kids or you. My suggestion is that you ask your closest friends and anyone else who is in close contact with your family to give you some input. If several of my friends with the kids who act the worst and the brattiest would ask me I could tell them in a heartbeat what I am seeing and what they are obviously blind to in their parenting styles. I would love to help them because I hurt for their kids because I see how bad they are and how tough they will have it in life. It could be that people are thinking this about you as well. And promise not to take offense if they tell you.

And you cannot blame it on not having family around although I can see why it is tempting. What it could be is that YOU need a break and you think if your family is closeby you could get one. Please find a sitter or ask your husband to watch them for the weekend and go somewhere just by yourself. Perhaps this will recharge you.

Much hugs honey. You are so overwhelmed. It is not your kids, it is just the mix of your situtation. You deal with kids all day, and you don't have family around to ease the burden. They don't have enough to stimulate them and so they act out. I would suggest you go and hug your kids now and hug them tight. It will make you feel less guilty. Take them outside and let them get some fresh air. It will also give you some time to take a deep breath. Your kids are also anxious and craving for your time and attention which you do not seem to have. A tired mommy is an aggravated frustrated mommy that cannot think straight or have patience to handle an otherwise normal situation, so take heart, you are not alone but remember, even though it seem like your prayers are not being answered, but it is being answered even in this medium, God can use others to touch your life, give advice and help you know that as long as there is breath in you, you can make it. Take care.

Parenting is rough and it sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders! The trick of discipline is consistently for everyone. I remember that we had a rule of not throwing things in the house. My 2 year old threw a ball, the 5 year old said, Mom, he is throwing the ball, I told him not to do that but I did not take the ball away from him. The 5 year old started acting up after that. He made a comment to a friend that he could do something because my just changes the rules. It took me a few days to get him to tell me what he meant. It was the whole ball issue. If the 5 year old would of thrown the ball I would have taken the ball away from him immediately. Since I did not do that with the 2 year old he felt that I was changing the rules. The other and sometimes the hardest part is regardless of where you are or what the situation is, you have to be consistent in your way of handling the situation. The other thing is I did swat my children on the behind in certain situations. I never did this in front of their friends or out in public. I would take them into the bathroom or out to the car. As they got older they knew if we (the parents) said "Let's go have a discussion in the bathroom or out in the car" they knew that a spanking was in the future. We even got to the point where we only had to threaten a trip to the bathroom and they would change the behavior.

It also sounds like you need a break. I understand it is hard when your husband is working 12 hour days. Maybe you could get a break while they are at daycare or your hubby could take them to do something, the park, a playdate etc... to give you time to yourself. The trick is not to spend that time doing laundry, cleaning or cooking but do something you enjoy! Read a book, see a movie, take a nap, just make sure it is something you want to do. Good Luck!

I think every mom feels, at times, at the end of her rope..it's not easy to raise chidren, not one little bit, and I don't believe those women who say their children are perfectly mannered and behaved. Obviously I have no idea what goes on in your family (though you describe it a bit, still a family is a whole world to get to know), perhaps children crave attention, particularly the older one. I suspect it's what she does because she has other two children to share you with.You don't mention anything about your husband being involved in discipline ("he's great to them" doesn't say much), if you feel like your nerves are giving up, he needs to step in and take the lead until you feel yourself again. Perhaps it's all on your shoulders and you are exhausted? Take a weekend by yourself if you can and rest your mind. With our hubby's help, things should get better. Good luck and don't despair, just try to delegate a little more, after all: who's there to save the hero?

I'm so sorry!
If you can afford any paid help, get some. if you can't ask a friend, coworker, neighbor, church person--whoever---to help.
You need a break, even if it is just an hour a day.
I can tell you that I got a BA in Child development and worked with kids for many years, even special education---but when I got married and became a parent...I became burned out VERY fast, because it was kids not listening at the school, and then kids not listening at home...I hated it.
I had to stop working with kids, in order to enjoy my own kids. None of them were bad, it was just too much time with kids!
That is probably part of what is going on with you too. Try to find different work that is not with kids, and get some help so you can have a break once in a while!
Oh, also, it can sometimes help to do something to get the energy out of the kids---physical, so they will burn that energy.

oh sweetheart... how many of us moms have cried at our wit's end. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed we forget that we need to take a break. When we don't take care of ourselves and breath and refuel we get lost in all of it. It will get better. It will be okay and you're a great mom because you wouldn't ask for help if it wasn't for that. If you can't take an entire day to yourself try to get someone to swap with your for a few hours. Take a time out from life and breath.

no mom is perfect it is trial and error. make them responsible for thier own behavior ex. they spill the sugar they clean it up. they leave dishes out they pick them up or they dont get anymore dishes till its done. what works with one kid wont work with another. the 3 yr old obviously cant be fully responsible for stuff like spilt sugar she is to young. get them in day care to give you a break or mothers day out. also learn from their discpiline examples.

your kids do know how to push your buttons and obviously are doing it. that is when you need to make them responsible for their own actions. the whining and temper tantrums for a general rule I have learned mean one of two things hungry or tired. if they have been fed recently put them to bed and let them cry it out in bed they may cry themselves to sleep. do not let them get out of bed. if they havent been fed feed them and seeif the behavior changes if not put them to bed and let the temper tantrum insue in their room so you dont have to deal with it so to speak. that is also making them take responsiblility for thier own actions. if they get out of bed put them back in there. let the older ones spend the night occasionally with a friend so you can get a break. I was a single mom for 8 yrs this will save your sanity trust me. it is the break you most desperately need.

you also sound like you are just overwhelmed and maybe a little depressed. go get some antidepressants whichis not a shame to do.get mom out of the house. without kids because they are at friends or mothers day out which is also not a shame. it is normal. if they act out in public put them in the car and let them throw thier temper tantrum there. shut the door so you dont have to hear it. but stay by the car so you can see what its going on. you are a normal mom and your kids are normal kids who are seeing your desperation to get a way which is normal and human and they are feeding off of it. give yourself a break from them. other kids minded better for you cause you weren't mom. no kid behaves as well for mom as they do others. why I cant tell you that but that is the rule of parenting your kids will be angels for others and brats for you. hang in there find a mothers day out and get away. if your husband is home go to the store by YOURSELF NO KIDS.check into options to escape or you will go insane. hang in there and good luck

Well first its not easy being a mom. I would see if your daughter could go on some med for AHAD. My son has a focusing problem and Focalin has helped him so much.

Be consistent with discipline. Its easy to want to give in. But in the long run it doesn't work if the kids are not disciplined.
Focus on the positive they do. Give them small task to complete. Let them they are doing good praise them. Use time out. If you gently have to hold them down the first number of times for time out ..then do it.
Some kids are more diffucult then others dont loose hope. YOu can do it!

J.,

Hugs to you. Take a deep breath. It is going to be ok. I promise. Kids grow out of these stages-it won't last F.. With that being said, you are tired and at the end of your rope. You need help. My suggestion is to go visit some churches and get some support there. The spiritual help can work wonders in your life and also your kids' lives. Be honest with them and tell them you need help. I am sure that you will quickly have a group of ladies that are willing to help out with your kids or you getting some time away to get some "me" time.

As your profession has been working with kids, I would get into another line of work and take a break from the kids for awhile. Anything that is different would help you. You are burned out and need a break. Have a date with your hubby at least 2x a month. Pay for a babysitter to come 1x week for a couple hours for you to get out of the house and do something by yourself. It is worth it-- I promise. The children will adjust to having a babysitter-- you need to be consistent and tell them the rules and what is expected of them.

You are doing fine as a mommy-- you just need some help!!! Get help and things will get better. I promise. You are not alone there are tons of moms in your position as we speak....Love yourself, Love your kids and know that this too shall pass....

M

To me it seems if you have two options to consider. You either change your kids behavior or you change your response to it.

I'm sure the Supernanny works well on TV since she is a stranger coming in to the house and laying down the law. Her techniques will fall on deaf ears if coming from the person they are walking all over. I would suggest have you and your husband work together to come up with the RULES of the house. Make the rules simple. No screaming, No running, No hitting, No throwing food, etc. Any breaking of any of these rules needs to result in immediate and consistent punishment that can be expected. You hit your sister, I take away. . .(there should be a list of consequences that matter - a favorite blankie, dessert, bedtime, TV). And try to set individual goals for each kid. At the beginning of each summer I always do a goal chart for my girls. Each girl has a physical goal (be able to ride bike), a social goal (work up the courage to order your own food at the restaurant), a behavior goal (nothing taken away), academic goal (100 math facts in 4 miniutes), etc. . .and at the end of the goal period they earn a reward (one reward if they achieve all the goals - but make the goals definitely achievable for them). This way there is positive reinforcement of good behavior so you're not just focusing on negative.

The other option, change your response - I have a friend who has 3 daughters who sound very much like your girls. Her husband is not a source of help at all, either. She could have written the letter you wrote, except for her letter would have said, "they are so full of life!" She is positive, upbeat and thinks her girls are adorable and smart. But they bounce of the walls, scream non-stop and don't listen to their mother at all. She never lets it phase her. She is never stressed and always has a smile on her face. Her doctor recommended her oldest be tested for ADHD when she was 6 (she's now 10) and she couldn't understand why (all her friends were like "YES!"). She was sure her daughter would outgrow the active behavior and guess what? She did! At the age of 10 the once impossible to manage girl is now a smart, well-balanced, well-liked, mature young lady. Her sisters (age 6 and 3) act like she once did and drive everyone around them crazy. But mom will drop everything to play a high energy game of hide and seek with them, answer every single question they throw at her with never rolling her eyes or getting agitated. We have all learned to admire and respect her resilency and ability to have such a high tolerance for behavior that the rest of us find annoying.

But don't worry. You are by far unperfect! You are doing the best you can. Just take a deep breath, embrace your children for who they are, stay consistent with your expectations of them and enjoy all the good moments. Good luck!!

J., none of us are perfect mothers. I have yet to meet one. And it seems like to the social pressure to be one just keeps getting worse. You sound outnumbered, frustrated and exhausted. Most people would be trying to take care of 3 young kids with very limited help and support. I struggle to manage my 2 kids who are 4.5 and almost 2. I also have a background working with kids (babysitting since age 13, degree in counseling, years working as a family counselor) and still my household has plenty of chaotic times and my older one is a real handful. Knowing how to be a good parent is a start but you also need the energy to be patient and consistent and use those strategies. I find just having the energy is much harder.

I would suggest a few things. Get childcare if you don't have it already have it. If your husband is working every day you need the break to have some time to yourself. I would put your younger two in preschool at least a few days a week if they aren't already. I'm home but my older one is in preschool so he can play with other kids and do more activities and I can get a break. Also look for an energetic young babysitter who can give you a weekly night off. I had this job as a teenager but still haven't found a really great babysitter for my kids. I used to babysit for the same family every week for all of Jr. high and high school. I had fun with the kids and the mom got a break. I'm still friends with the family 25 years later. I would also look for a counselor to help you deal with the stress, screen you for depression and work on the parenting techniques. You probably know a lot of them but need encouragement using them consistently and effectively especially at the beginning. I'd see about having your oldest screened for ADHD. Ask her teacher what behavior she is seeing in school. My oldest is loud, active and impulsive but I don't quite think ADHD (I worked with many ADHD children). It is worth getting a professional opinion if you are concerned.

Thanks for your honesty...many of us have been there. While I don't often agree with everything he says, my DH and I went to see John Rosemond a few months ago and he said something that really struck a cord with me. He said that moms today have taken so much on, try to be the perfect mom, try not 'ruin' our kids, try to do everything the right way that we are burning ourselves out. I was also very surprised to hear that he supports putting children over 3 in daycare.
I definitely agree with the person who posted about changing careers. Look into other human services jobs, working with elderly or disabled. It is very rewarding and will get you some adult time.

Dear J.. We are all imperfect. A website that has truly helped me is www.ahaparenting.com. Dr. Laura Markham is very inspirational and has very good ideas. She is an advocate of attachment parenting yet in a modern way that is comfortable for the modern woman.

I would search her discipline ideas -- which are sensible and "no cry".

Don't give up hope. I promise that we are never given more than we can handle.

Jilly

Take a deep breath, being a mom isn't easy. I have 2 boys, 3 and almost 2. I feel like you described on many days. My boys fight, scream, whine, hit, etc...I too have tried some of the things you mentioned. I agree consistency is a must. I don't always do it either. But if they know there are certain rules and certain punishments they have to follow, then things should get better. Consistency is what everyone tells me when I talk about behavior issues. But if you let something slide one day but not another, then the kids might learn that some days they might be able to get away with something. My husband and I don't find getting on their level and talking calmly works. I don't believe children should be screamed at either, however sometimes yelling or raising your voice is more effective than a time out or taking something away. My oldest hates being yelled at. My youngest, laughs and thinks it is funny which just amazes me. A support system is essential. I have only my mom here, which is a huge help but only one person. I envy those who have lots of family around. Getting out does help me. I find it hard if we are in the house too much or they just don't get a change of scenery.
Take a deep breath and don't be so hard on yourself. Raising children is hard, much harder than I expected. Just do the best you can and no matter how you discipline, always make sure your kids know you love them. I feel bad when I yell or take away a toy, but my kids are loved and they both know they can come to me. I wish you the best.

J., I am 14 weeks pregnant with a child my husband and I never intended to have. Our family was complete with baby #3 so imagine my shock and surprise to find that I am about to embark on a phase in my life that I put behind me. My youngest is 4 and will be starting kindergarten next year. I had made "plans" for myself to perhaps take some college classes, get a part time job....get to spend time doing things for ME. Taking care of young children (I've been a stay at home mom full time for 10 1/2 years) is not an easy task. No mother is perfect, though I can relate to the pressure that we often put on ourselves. I do not think it has anything to do with what society puts on us, at least I am speaking for myself. I put pressure on myself to "do it all." This pregnancy has proven that I cannot do it all. I've been sicker than I'd ever been with all 3 of my pregnancies combined. My husband has taken on the responsibility of "my job" when he gets home. He's burned out from working full time M-F and coming home to care for our 3 children and me...and the house.

I have watched Supernanny and even bought the book. I have implemented the same techniques. Some work for a period of time, others not at all. My children are perfect at school and church and otherwise outside the home. But inside the home, they are mouthy, disrespectful to everyone, including me and their daddy. I have spanked, used time outs, taken toys away, rewards, etc. I've tried it all. Nothing works. My children have laughed and said, "this won't work," when we try a new technique. I KNOW your frustration, believe me, you are not alone. And I have another child on the way and wonder how in the world will I cope, handle it all, get it all under control. I am a Christian, as my husband is also, we are born again raising our children the same way. We are active in our church, as our children are as well. I look at my childrens behavior and ask myself how can a Christian family be so dysfunctional where our childrens behavior in the home is concerned. I also pray for wisdom and guidance to raise my children "right." I have threatened my children to call Supernanny and have our family life aired on TV. They are mortified over that prospect yet I hate using threats to get them to do what I need them to do. BTW, my children are ages 10 1/2, 8, and 4. My husband and I posted rules for the house and implemented a chore chart to get them to help around the house. It worked for a good period of time until my two oldest began calculating how many deductions they can get and still get a reward. They were beating the system so I changed the rules and made it harder. That is when the chore chart flopped and I gave up. I'd love to book mark your post and read the responses you get. I'm in the same boat as you and could really use some advice.

Not knowing you or your children I will give this my best shot: You and your kids need a break from eachother & the kids need a break from eachother too. Also you need to be much tougher on the 2 older children. Tougher meaning you have a time out area, mine is a wall where there is nothing they can touch or play with. THE MOMENT they act up, whether it's mouthing off, talking back, fighting, teasing, acting wild etc, they go there immediately. Do not let them get up for any reason at all. This obviously will take time & lots of it but you MUST be extremely consistent.

As for your daughter who you beleive has ADHD, well pursue that with her Dr, the school social worker, her teacher (if she is in school), there is a test so do that ASAP.

I don't believe your long distance family situation is the problem. We don't have any family & my kids (6, 5, 3) don't have much of a bond or relationship with their grandparents, they see them maybe once a month & they are not hands on at all. I think the biggest problem is you are probably burnt out from parenting & the kids can tell. I too get tired of the parenting by myself as my husband is rarely around, in fact we haven't seen him in 5 weeks & it's just me & the kids all day everyday. HOWEVER I am very strict & my kids act out but I am on them like white on rice. My middle daughter just turned 5 & she is & always has been a handful for me, our personalities clash big time, she pushes my buttons every minute of the day.

Some things to try are: get stricter, have some structured plans for them, let them help you more, and remind them that it's important to treat family kindly so they should be nice & want to take care of their family. Have them color, play a game, help make lunch, help put laundry away, help do dishes & unload the dishwasher. My kids don't get into as much mischief if I have them doing things that make them feel important.

Also remember that kids are individuals too. They each have their own personalities & you have to figure out how to relate to each of them. A website to refer to is www.difficultchild.com & I here the book is fantastic.

Hope I gave you some ideas & insight on what has been working for me.
And know that recognizing that your home is in chaos is the biggest 1st step so now take it to the next step & start implementing some of the techniques that we all have supplied to you. Best wishes.

I may not be able to offer much advice from experience since I have only one daughter and she is 21 months old. But I have learned a few things even now. One is that raising your voice is not a good way to get children to behave. At least not with my daughter. Every time I raise my voice at her I notice that she just starts either immitating me or ignoring me and continuing what she's doing. Of course it can be hard to control yourself sometimes, but you are the only example to your children of self-control. They will see that if you can't control yourself, they don't need to either. My daughter listens so much better when I speak in a soft voice, almost whispering and try to be gentle.

Another point, which you may find odd... What do your girls eat? I personally know a family with small boys who supposedly had ADHD. They mother changed their diet to be free of refined sugars and grains, she said it was like day and night, the kids changed instantly! They started playing together without arguing or hitting each other for the first time ever. I think it is worth a try!

Hang in there, hope this helps!
http://eco-babyz.com

Girl, YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS BOOK
http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ (it's all online no need to buy it)
it's AMAZING!!!!!!!!

try these books....
you can get them at the library too.

Have a new kid by Friday by Kevin Leman (you can get this on CD too)
http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Kid-Friday-Character/dp/08...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

hang in there...you can do it!

have you thought about counseling for you & your kids? you need to take care of yourself too.

J.,
I'm sending you a hug. It doesn't sound like you have a big support network to help you though this and that makes it harder. I would suggest talking to a family counselor. They can help you refine your parenting techniques and just give you a safe place to vent. I also second the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen book (there is actually a few books by the same authors that are great). It's easy to read and gives you examples to practice with. Good luck.

Oh my god do not get down on yourself. I never expected that motherhood would be so fun/terrific/horrifying/depressing. I really don't blame you for feeling that way I have those thought quite often. I live in a extremely small town (1200 people) in Canada of all places & I hate it. My husband is a truck driver so he is never here either. I love my daughter but I never get reprive from her either & it is really hard on the head. We moved here from Mass for my husband to be able to fulfill his dream of working for his dad & nobody is happy, but my husband is to stubborn to admit he made a mistake. Instead I have to live here in miseary until my daughter is of school age, at that point I will move back home with a divorce under my belt. Oh well I don't want to bore you with my problems. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, its just you & your kids know it & they are taking advantage. Try putting them in activities or some kind of groups so they can see how they should be acting, if that doesn't work try out therapy. I wish you the best I do feel your pain & I empathize with you.