I Come from a Joint Family, Want to Seperate from My Mil, We Stay in Her House

No grown married man should put his mom as priority over his wife and children.

I understand you may be from another culture but he needs to grow a pair and take care of his own family. As for reputation in society... I don't see that very positively if he still lives with mom and chooses her over you and your child. That is no man.

Are you in another country or are you in the US but part of a culture that keeps extended families together? Is that what you mean by your husband's standing in the community being adversely affected if he did not live with his mother anymore? If so, that can be a very daunting custom to break free from. I get that it's annoying when she gives you the silent treatment and slams doors or whatever noises she makes.

What do you mean when you say that your MIL takes care of you and your daughter? Do you mean she contributes to you financially? Would it be a hardship for your husband to do without that? I'm not sure whether her care for your daughter means she babysits, or if you depend on the finances? Does she do the cooking and cleaning? Do you work outside the home? Or do you have a disability/illness of some sort that makes you unable to fully care for yourself? (You don't need to put the details here, but I'm trying to figure out what sort of care she actually provides and how much you need it.)

When you say you want to separate, do you mean that you and your husband and daughter would move out? Or that you want to separate from him but are in a marriage where you can't do that without his permission? For example, a friend of mine from India cannot get divorced because her husband will not give his permission. They are in Canada now, hoping to come back to the US, but she doesn't want to go back to India because they would have to live with her MIL who is cruel to the grandchildren and demanding/abusive toward my friend. It was an arranged marriage and her husband has been abusive as well. She does have some money from her late father that will help her get on her feet when she can get a divorce (her plan when she gets back to the US).

Your husband does not consider your feelings to be as important as his current situation. I don't know if that's an ingrained cultural norm, or if he's just insensitive. And more to the point, do you want your daughter growing up in this atmosphere? That's the deal-breaker for my friend - that her daughter and son will turn out to believe this is okay.

Without more info, all I can suggest is that you get some counseling and perhaps some financial/legal advice from someone who understands any cultural pressures and legal constraints involved here.

i don't see any way of this situation improving while you stay there. it's nice that your husband is close to his mother, but no grown man should be subjecting his wife and child to this degree of control and unpleasantness just to keep things nice between him and his mom.

i'm especially breathless that she gets to make the decision about daycare or not. while i myself would choose family over daycare most of the time, it's always the parents' call. and with a MIL like this, daycare does sound the better option.

i hope you don't have to actually leave your husband to get out from under this woman's thumb. but if he's choosing her over you- do you really want to live that way, and show your child that she too should live this way?

i don't know where you live that a man's 'reputation in society' is reliant on him living with his mother, but i'd take living alone over living with a man and MIL who treated me this way.

khairete
S.

Are you in the USA or somewhere else?

Tell your husband it's not about his REPUTATION, why does he care what others think of him over what his WIFE THINKS OF HIM???

You are living with your MIL or she is living with YOU? If she is living with you? Then I suggest that you have another family member take her.

How does she "take care" of you and your daughter? Do you not work outside the home?
I need more information, I really don't understand this situation. It helps to know if you are living with her or if she is living with you....do you work? What do you mean by "separate"? Do you want to leave/divorce your husband or leave your MIL's house?

If you don't like your MIL? get a job if you don't have one. That will get you out of the house.
If you don't get a job? Get back to school and get an education.

I think you are not in USA and this is a cultural thing.
When you say you want to separate - I think you mean you want your MIL to move out - not that you want to leave.
Do you have a job?
Perhaps the best thing you could do is to minimize the amount of time you are home with her by getting a job.
If ignoring your MILs attitude is tough then maybe some earplugs will help you ignor the banging of things she does.
You will out live her eventually.
What does she do to take care of you and your daughter?
Maybe you should try doing some things for her so she doesn't feel like she is a servant.
Try to think about how you would feel if you end up being her age and living with your daughter and her husband and you and your son in law don't get along.

Additional:
If it's your MIL's house you are all living in there's not much you can do.
She certainly won't leave her home.
It's your husband that is the problem - he doesn't want to leave his mom or get his own home.
You don't need your MILs permission to put your daughter in daycare.
Just do it.
The resulting fight between husband and MIL (will they join forces to gang up on you?) will tell you if you need to leave/divorce or not.

Okay mistake number one - you are staying in HER house.

If you two are working and can support yourself financially.. you need to talk to your husband and get your own house.

Not sure if your hubbys political/religious or what ever standings in community has anything to do with you not being happy...
if he is aware.. I would play the same cards as your mil and tell him you moving out with your daughter - that will look a lot worse “ in the community “ if he keeps up this bs. Time hun to be significant in a marriage and as a parent!!

Your mother in law can get a smaller place and take up community service, volunteering, pottery, painting, bingo, helping out etc. and become a grandparent not a mother! How on earth YOU allowed her to have a say in daycare? ( family watching is great.. but sounds like it’s at unhealthy level)

And your and your husbands daughter need to be in a daycare/preschool etc. it’s healthier for a child to reach milestones at certain ages ( I will guess child is at least 2?!) . It will be easier transitioning time for her.. and you will get your sanity back!

Extended family living in the same home is difficult. We had my parents with us, but they had their own space - complete with kitchen, garage, living space, etc. We told people that there were 5 doors between their kitchen and ours and sometimes we closed them all!
Is there a way to make that happen in your home? Is there a way to maybe find a home that will give you that sort of set up? You need your space as much as she needs hers. I’m sure she finds it as difficult as you do, but doesn’t know how to tell you.
You might consider putting your child in daycare for a couple of days a week - even if she says no. She will gain some freedom to do what she wants - and that might help your relationship. I’m sure she is overwhelmed. Little ones take a LOT of energy.
Good luck!
LBC

It sounds like you and your family are from India. I have a friend that is from India and I know the husband and his wife has to take care of his parents. My friend goes through the same thing you are going through except her in-laws live in India and she only has to deal with them through visits. When they visit it is for a long time like 3-6 months. I know it's a respect thing between the wife and mother in law and the wife gets the short end f the stick. My friend said sometimes her mil wouldn't talk to her not because she was upset but she doesn't have to talk to the dil if she doesn't want too.

You know you're husband isn't going to leave his mother so you need ways to cope. Can you get a job? Getting out of the house will help a lot. Find other women that share your culture and meet up with them to form a support group. It's hard to give suggestions when your traditions aren't shared in America. I just wish you good luck in finding a solution.

So you are dependent on your MIL for where you live and childcare. That's a very un-balanced kind of relationship for an adult - not sure where you live or what your culture/background is, but I would find it hard unless the set up was kind of separate (living quarters) and your husband supported you and there were boundaries. Doesn't sound like that's the case - not sure from what you've written here.

When you're upset or your MIL is being 'nasty' or taking out her revenge, and you talk to your husband about it, what does he do? If you are trying to please your MIL constantly, what about just being yourself and not trying to do everything her way? Yes, it's her home, but surely you are the head of your little family - you have the right to do things your own way. So long as you are respectful (as you would be towards anyone else) and mindful of her, I would not go out of my way to please her. Maybe change your approach.

I can't tell how much of this is cultural - and if you just stood up for yourself, how much of this would resolve. Obviously, the best thing would be to move out and get your own place. Your daughter could still go (I would say part time because socialization with other kids is quite important at a certain age) to grandma's house. If your hubby doesn't want to go far and is close with his mom, live nearby. If he won't agree to all of this, then did you know this going in? It's hard to suggest things without more information.

Hubby should be the one to intervene if his mother is being really unreasonable - that's how it typically goes. However, you can totally stand up for yourself (and should) if she is being disrespectful towards you. I would stop trying to please her though. A grown woman should not put up with this kind of thing. It's not good to model that for your daughter. You wouldn't want her to do the same for her MIL.

Without knowing more, it's hard to make suggestions. To me, there are some simple solutions here. I know I could not live with my MIL - she doesn't respect boundaries, and I couldn't handle always having to address that (it would be draining). Walking away is and not responding to someone's upsets can be tiring if it is continual - and I don't know if she has issues. Your husband and you need to communicate, and he needs to understand how tired and frustrated you are. Start there. If he does not support you - then that's more of a marriage problem than a MIL problem. Good luck

Is there any reason why you two cannot move out and get your own place to live? You apparently work in an office and I assume your husband works too. I can see how living under the same roof with in-laws would get on anyone's last nerve. There is a limit as to closeness, and this is beyond the limit. I would have put my foot down long ago. If you live in an apartment, she can live across the hall or something, if the issue is him needing to be close to his mother because of illness, etc. Why can't he just help out with her rent, if the issue is finances and she cannot afford her own place? Or you can look for a place that has in-law quarters/an efficiency in the backyard, so you still have some distance but without her living under your roof. As to your daughter, if you want her to go to daycare, just put her there. Unless you have given up your rights as a parent, it is a decision that YOU and your spouse make, NOT grandma. Tell him you want your child to be exposed to other kids her age for socialization, and that his mother's negativity is not healthy for a young child to be around.

I am assuming you are not really from KY as you put in your profile. If it were me I would move. If your husband can not support your feelings maybe you should not be with him. He should not be expecting you to tolerate his mother treating you like this. When my kids were very little my oldest (my husband adopted him) felt like my mother in law didn't treat him equal to my youngest my husband told her he would come she her and the family but that the boys and I would stay home. Luckily when he told her why she felt terrible and made a point to not do that. But if your husband wont stand up for you you have 3 options, tell her off and see what happens, ignore her or leave.

The solution to me is you and your husband do not live with her but near her. Perhaps she gets an apartment and you and your husband/child get a condo. Yes you and your husband will have to do your own housework, but your daughter could still go over to grandma's house for grandma to watch her (or daycare/preschool ...that's a different decision). This is the ONLY solution to me....you HAVE to get your own place. Talk with your husband. You have to be a team. He can still easily go to his mom's house and do things for her if you all live nearby.

You are in charge of your own life. Visualize what you want your future to look like and make it happen. Your mil is probably jealous of you and also probably doesnt think you can take care of her son. The only way to prove her wrong is to get him to grab his balls and get your own place. You shouldnt have to move back in with parents until they are old and need you.

Without knowing the country in which you live and your culture we can't give helpful advice. There are some parts of your post that need to be clarified. Does working in the office mean you go out to work? Why can't you put your child in daycare? Why will your husband lose his reputation if you or both of you move out? Can you and husband financially move out?

Would you be able to go for counseling hopefully with someone who knows your culture. Do you have the same culture background?