"I Can't" and "It's Too Hard" Are My 3 Year Olds Favorite New Phrases

Heh. Oh my goodness, yes. All three of my girls started this kind of thing, right around that same age - my five year old will STILL occasionally try it on for size.

I usually used "silly" to snap them out of it. Something like this:

"OK, honey, time to put on your shirt."
"I can't, it's too hard!"
"Too hard? To put on your shirt? You must be doing it wrong. First, sit down like this and put your feet into the armholes..."

At various times, I had socks on my hands, pants over my head and stuffed animals down my blouse - but usually they'd "straighten me out" pretty quickly.

I think the hardest thing is to keep your cool when you've got 38 seconds until that last train is pulling out of the station and Little Ms. Thing is standing there saying it's "too hard" to put on her shoes. ARGH! It's VELCRO, don't give me that 'hard' crud! Why, when I was your age, I had to use laces! Which I had to make myself, every morning, from wheat stalks I had picked the night before and cured in the oven overnight...! I always found that trying to get out the door ten minutes before I actually "had" to get out the door gave me just enough time for one last battle without losing my temper.

Hang in there - these phases come and go. The less it bothers you, honestly, the sooner it seems to go.

First off, has ANYTHING changed recently? Different teacher, school, grandparent moved away? ANYTHING? If so, reassure him that everything is okay. He may need help and time to adjust.

Secondly, make a chart with all his chores/ responsiblities on it. Buy a few Dollar Tree toys and wrap them. Also by some sticker to have HIM put on the chart EVERY time he does one of his "jobs". After he gets however many you think is right, you let him choose a "present" to open. Hope it works, ~J

my 3.5 yr old is doing the same thing....his teachers and therapists have told me it is a behavior issue and he is seeking my attention. His OT (occupational therapist) told me to be firm with him and ignore him when he is doing these behaviors. And also to say as soon as you get your shoes on we can go to the car. She also said don't give too much verbal because that is also giving him the attention he is seeking.

It is really hard for me as a parent to just wait until he is ready. It is in my nature to do it for him, especially when I need to leave in a hurry. I am having to retrain myself to break my habits too.

Ah yes, the "I can't do it stage". I remember my son going through the same thing at three, and it may happen again a few years down the road when he starts to go to school. When my son was three, he was also capable of putting toys away, and putting on some of his cloths (pants and t-shirt). What I think is when they want "help" is really just them saying "I love you, and I like spending time with you". Unless there are big changes going through their life, or yours or anyone in the household, then it might be a cry for comfort. This could be like going to school for the first time, or even going back to school after summer break. It could be a change in the household such as a new room mate, or a new job for someone. Sometimes the littlest changes can just set things off scale just enough to where you are asking yourself, "Why is he/she acting this way??" Anyways, back on the subject... This is just a normal phase of childhood, and it will happen again. My 6 year old is actually going through that phase again. Just help your son with whatever he asks for help with and give him a big hug or a high 5 when the task is done and say something like, "Wow, we did a great job!" or "We are a great team!". As he gets older, you can tell him, “I know you can do it, but I will help you if you would like me to”. If they are bossy about it though, you just basically ask them to talk to you in a nice way since being bossy is not the way to get what they want. Eventually he will go back to doing every day tasks by himself, but while this lasts, enjoy it and don't stress or get irritated about it. Besides, we all appreciate help every once in awhile. Show him the same gratitude and then as he gets older, he will be more inclined to help you around the house such as helping with the dishes or cleaning the house.

M. *~

Hi A.. Sounds like he might be trying to get extra attention and more hands on mothering from you. Try making a game out of some of these things like "how fast can you put your shirt on". Reverse psychology works well with younger children. At any rate remember it's just a phase and maybe just helping him do these things right now is less of a hassle than fighting with him. The older they get the more you will learn to "pick your battles". This is just an attention getter that will pass. Be sure to give his lots of possitive feedback when he does do something by himself. I have a 25 yrs old and a 15 yr old. "This to shall pass"!! L.

Dear A.,

Umm, well, you may think that I am too hard on you, but I will tell it like I think it, o.k.?

Three year olds do not need to be so organized and independent - such as your description. You are putting too much pressure on him and that is the reason for his comments about it being too hard and that he can't. He is just a little tiny human being with chubby little fingers and a brain that is working hard to understand this complex world that he got dropped into. So ease up on him, help him out without saying anything about it, dress him, it is a nice time for children and mothers to be together and talk about what is going to happen. You don't want to establish a routine of hurry up and distance from him you want to get closer to him every day and he will just loooove being your important person. Remember you are his first love, be loving and caring and don't worry about HIM being dependent right now. As soon as you two establish a cooperative relationship, then he will be willing to drop his 'can't and don't know how' attitude. No kidding, this is true.

He did all of this stuff when he was in a two year old, I can do it myself, attitude, now he is a different person - and is feeling the pressure.

My mother used to put a lot of pressure on me to play games and learn stuff when I was young and I still do not play games and I learn stuff when I am interested in it. I am 75 years old and still remembr the pressure feeling.

Um hum that is right. Sincerely, C. N.

A.,
I went through and still go through this right now. My boy will be 4 in July and I also have a girl who will be 2 in June.
So I get the same thing - I can't, help me, too hard and so on. Sometimes, I think that they realize they are growing up a bit and they start feeling a little uncertain about whether you will still baby them, hold them and make them feel secure. It's seems like a little test. So what I do to bolster his confidence is I make everything into a game. Clothes, shirt - I put it on him inside out or backwards and I start laughing and asking him what's wrong with it. He laughs and says what I did wrong and I say maybe he better do it because he does it right. When in a hurry, we play the race game where he has to race to get his shoes and socks and wait by the door, while I have to grab my purse, phone and baby. Whoever gets to the door is the faster one - he's faster.
Getting into bed, we play monkeys jumping on the bed. He gets to jump on the bed as we sing 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed... I only sing that song when he is on the bed. Then ring around the roses - because you have to fall down at the end - to go to sleep. But you'll have to change it up later because they start to 'get' it. Make it fun instead of a problem, and they'll think it's fun too.
J.