"I Can't"... - Richmond,VA

Frustrating isnt it! Just blankly stare at her and say, "show me how you tried" and then if she gives it a good effort and still cant, then help slightly. If its for something not necessary, and she says she cant, then say, "aw gee, thats too bad, if only you had tried"...and walk away.

How is the little guy with his cast and knee doing lately?

One of mine will do this if they just feel like they haven't gotten enough of my time. Another one my kids will do this just because he is a bit lazy. Most often I just say, "Than you don't want that item bad enough." I try to give my child that wants attention a little bit more of my time and the one that is lazy gets a bit more work added.

The look works here too. Also when I hear I can't I say then you don't.
If I get an I can't tie my shoes, then I say go get your flip flops or sandals. THis works really well in the winter. :o) THey would usually tie their shoes.
I also say, when I get the I can'ts is, OK you don't get to come and I walk out the door. This drove my daughter nuts and she would run out the door with me trying to tie her shoes, zip her coat, brush her hair, etc.

If she can't reach something and refuses to use the footstool or chair she doesn't get it. If she's thristy and needs a glass, just say "well I guess you'll go thirsty." NO arguments, no emotion, no attention.

In school I get a lot of I can'ts. Right now my son "can't" multiply so we do flashcards every day. If he is a stinker I say OK today we will do just the two's. He usually will ask for something much more challenging. I homeschool, he is in 5th.

Also I do races, Bet you can't tie your shoes faster than mommy. I wear tennis shoes.
Show me how pretty you can make your hair.
Oh and with hair, I am not the nicest hair brusher, My answer to I can't brush my hair was Do you REALLY want Mommy to do it? That always got a no way!!! And they brushed their hair.

I think " I can't" translates into, I want you to help me. Not that she can't do it. If there's a younger sibling in the picture I've seen older kids do this often. The perception can be that a younger sibling gets more attention for needing help doing things that they truly can not do. Try teaching your daughter to express what she really means... she misses you, wants your attention and if she "can't" do something then she should get help and attention just like little sibling does. You can say something like " Sweetie I KNOW you can tie your own shoe... are you wanting Mom to do it for you this time? " That and a big hug may be all she needs in that moment.

6 is still a hard age between wanting to be and act much older than they are, yet feeling insecure and "needy" at other times. I would help her problem solve the times when she needs to... for example, "You want that toy and you can't reach it... hmmmmm, what could we do?" She may or may not see that footstool, but if you weren't there how could she solve her problem? I wouldn't be condescending or sarcastic or impatient with her. She's trying to tell you something about what she needs from you, and you just have to figure out what it is.

Good luck!

We usually just say, "How can you rephrase that?"

My son has replaced " I can't", to " I don't know" since I told him their is no such thing as "can't". Now, I am asking him to "try" first, then ask for help. So far so good. It's a vicious cycle!

My son is almost 4 and when he says "I can't", I just walk away. He is slowly learning that if he needs help he should say "please help me" or something similar.

Find her currency. Find whatever it is that will motivate her. I'm sure you don't want to incentivize her to do the basic stuff like find a footstool or tie her shoes, but all you may need to do is get her moving with a week's worth of rewards and then she will have changed the habit.

So perhaps you give her a sticker for every time she turns an "I can't" into "I did it". Or give her 30 quarters and take one away every time she says "I can't". At the end of the week she gets to trade in the leftover quarters for a treat... a larger one if there are more quarters, a smaller if there are only a few quarters.

She may be doing some of this for attention. Your youngest is still in a cast, right? You probably have to do a ton of stuff for him, and maybe she sees that and wants to be mommy's little girl again. If you think that might be part of it, how about offering to help her with larger things or offer to spend a few minutes just with her? So if she says "I can't tie my shoes." you could reply with "I know you can. Why don't you try again and then I'll help you pick out a scarf to match those shoes." Then devote two or three minutes to being silly and wrapping her up in the scarf and making her laugh.

I would just say "I guess you are going barefoot" about the shoes or "I guess you don't need it" about whatever she can't reach.

When Nicky or Greg say "I can't" in a whiny voice? I say "YOU CAN, you just don't want to...however, would you like some cheese with that whine?"

Can't could NEVER do anything....

Did you give it your best? REALLY? Your BEST?

If it's trying to find something that they didn't put away...I tell them - "if I find it, you owe me a $1." - that usually spurs them one more time to go look...

Just keep reiterating that SHE CAN

My six year old will not quite saying "I can't"....either. In our house it is worse than a "bad word". It is a more punishable act than a bad word. They get no sympathy from my husband or I when can't is used. And if it is used with whining...there is timeout involved, sitting in your room...we've tried it all.

I've done the whining back thing...they just look at me and continue on. We now ignore...if you can't then I won't help! We particularly have issues finding socks, soccer equipment, clothes...and if I have to help and I find it first...well let's just say, this rarely happens. MAKES me nuts!

We make them reword it. Just like the they have to reword "can I have a glass of water"...to "may I get a glass of water?". With getting things that are out of reach, I say "what do you think is the best way for you to reach (insert item)?" Then she'll say "oh get a stool"..YUP!

I would say 'well 'you can' but we can do it together'. Then have her try to do it again alone if it's something that can be redone. They just need to know they are doing it right sometimes and personalities are so different in each child. Be patient and soon she won't want help at all.

I just tell DS (5-1/2) 'yes you can, now let's do it' and we do whatever it is together. I think he doesn't like to fail so it's easier sometimes to not try.

Do don't this, but I have a short temper, and I holler at them. I mean yell, which could scare them a bit. I don't have patience when they whine, or say they can't. As my brother-in-law would say in his Irish deep, yet vocal voice: "There's no such thing as CAN'T!

Sometimes I say well, if you can't,then we can't go out.

Yeah... similar rules in our house, too. :)

- If you whine you don't get what you want.

- If you throw a fit you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout

- Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.

I can't ________.

Well, then I guess you'll never be able to _______, and you're just going to have to _______ for the rest of your life. And then this will happen, and that will happen, and in the end _______.

Mom!

Well. Ask a silly question....Do you have a better question?

R., your 6 year old is probably old enough to think twice about saying it if you turn the tables on her.

"Mommy, get me some xxxxx". "Sorry, I CANNNN'T!" "Why Mommy?" "Because you tell me you CANNNN'T. Stop telling me that and I will be able to help you more."

It's worth a try!

Dawn

Don't say a word and walk away or if you have to say something, say, "That's ridiculous." But you have to say it in a matter of fact way. Actually, any response should be in a matter of fact way.

I also like Dawn's suggestion that the next time she asks you to do something, say, "I CANNNNN'T" in the whiniest voice possible.

Ugh, mine too...I'm gonna be watching this post ;) It must be the age and learning new things and becoming more independent. I just give him alot of encouragement and tell him that he must not be trying hard enough, because HE CAN....HE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck!

I think she says it not because she really can't do it but because she either doesn't want to do it or wants extra attention from you and doesn't care whether it's negative or not.
Can you work in some one on one time with her a bit more often?

I don't know how, but my daughter only says I can't when she really can't do something. I try not to ask her to do stuff I usually tell her to do it. She does try first and will then let me know if she can't. She has always been a child that wants to do everything herself.

maybe she just needs some of your attention and is doing anything to get it, even if it is negative attention. talk to her and see whats up