I Am Sad.

I am so sorry! Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Yes, I believe he understands at some level that he is dying and depending on what his parents have told him, it may be more than that. I think you can support the family by helping pay for a bill or give the family a card with a giftcard to an event so that the whole family can go and do something special together.

Have you ever read the book Heaven is For Real? Read it. It might or might not be the time yet to give it to them to read but there will be a time. I bought it for a friend who lost a twin to SIDs. It's about a 3-4 year old who had a near death experience. The Title is the one the little boy wanted.
Hope you find it comforting.

Donations are HUGE (even small ones).

Headstones cost as much as a car. Not a lot of people save for headstones for their babies. But NO ONE wants their baby buried with just a little plaque with their name. Everyone I know who has buried their child (as opposed to cremation) wants a real, honest to god, this was MY baby, my son, my daughter... and I loved him more than my own life... monument. But most people can't afford real headstones, much less a monument. And cremation... that's still thousands of dollars. If you didn't take out life insurance on your child before they got sick... the liklihood of being able to afford their death is very slim. Esp. after long illness.

The electric company doesn't care if your child is dying. They will shut off your power until you catch up to current.

My friends who've lost their children knowing ahead of time ALL went into debt to try and get one last photoshoot with their kids in the hospital. (Usually outside in the grass if it was nice out. The hospital staff is on this. $500,000 worth of equipment is schlepped outside with a team of 5-20 people so mum and dad can have some family pictures taken in real sunshine). Sometimes photographers will donate their time... but an average shoot costs $500-$1000. For those last images of your kids... so much more important than wedding photos, etc. You want them done really, really, REALLY well.

_______

Spent a lot of time around dying kids. They all know. The younger ones usually aren't afraid of it, though, they're terrified of their moms and dads being sad... and every dying toddler I've ever known goes huge huge huge lengths to try and make their parents smile. ((They also throw tantrums, will turn on side and just refuse to speak to you all day, etc. They're kids. But it's super crazy how much sick kids will go through to keep their parents from being sad. ))

I knew little boy who died of cancer around 5 yrs old. He was diagnosed at 2 and throughout his entire illness, remission, and relapse his (religious) parents talked to him about their belief in God. He knew he was going to die and believed he was going to heaven. It was incredibly incredibly sad but somehow beautiful too. He had such peace and wisdom far beyond his years.

I think a donation in his name sounds like a lovely gesture.

No, he doesn't know. And S., that's okay. He doesn't need to know. They just need to give him the best pallative care possible to ease his pain, be there for him so that he isn't alone, and let him know that he is loved. And then tell him goodbye when he goes to meet his maker.

If the chemo and radiation aren't working, it's a blessing to allow him to stop treatment so that he doesn't suffer more. Sometimes doctors try to pull out every stop there is, knowing that it doesn't work and that it just prolongs a painful existence. I'm sure that these parents don't want their child to suffer this way.

I wouldn't worry about coming on too strong in whatever you do for this family. I am sure that they have lots of expenses. Even if you paid a utility bill for them, it would be wonderful. I would not give money directly to the hospital, however. It would get buried in there and they wouldn't even know you gave it.

My prayers go out to this family (and to you.)

Dawn

4 is a good age to really believe Heaven exists. That's all I really know.
The parents probably need a helping hand in regular day to day stuff.... I'm sure cash donations are quite helpful.

Dear S.,

This is so sad. This little boy and his parents and family are in my thoughts and prayers.

It is very kind of you to want to help, and surely any gesture will be appreciated by the family. They have so much else to deal with right now.

The first place to start is with your friend. She would know best what the family needs. Maybe a gift card to a restaurant. Maybe they need someone to do some grocery shopping to have essentials in the house, or maybe a donation is what would be most helpful. Check with your friend so your good intentions can do the most good for this family.

J. F.

Updated

Dear S.,

This is so sad. This little boy and his parents and family are in my thoughts and prayers.

It is very kind of you to want to help, and surely any gesture will be appreciated by the family. They have so much else to deal with right now.

The first place to start is with your friend. She would know best what the family needs. Maybe a gift card to a restaurant. Maybe they need someone to do some grocery shopping to have essentials in the house, or maybe a donation is what would be most helpful. Check with your friend so your good intentions can do the most good for this family.

J. F.

That is so very sad.
My oldest son understood death by the time he was 3.
I also think the book Heaven is for Real might be a good gift. And they probably will have lots of expenses and donations would be appreciated. Ask your friend who is his aunt about giving the book to them and if a fund has been started.

The book: Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie comes very highly recommended for kids this age. It might make a thoughtful gift.

My 4 year old knows a lot about death and life after death and all that, it just depends on how much they have explained to him, or if they even want too. Most little kids can understand the anticipation, anxiety and fear going on around them, as well as how they feel. i think they still have a very spiritual connection at that age. I wonder if they have some really great professional family photos together? That would make an amazing gift. My heart aches for them.

I'm sad, too-for all of you. Can't he go somewhere else for treatment? Like Georgetown?

a zillion flowers to Riley's response. i know someone who had a stillborn and couldnt afford a headstone. also i agree with the photos too...maybe they havent even thought of photos with everything being crazy but they would cherish those last captured moments with their son

I see that you've already decided on the donation to the parents. I think that is a wonderful idea.

I am so very sorry for your friends.

My prayers and heart goes out to that little boy and his family.

I vote for something special for all of them, even if it is movie tickets. If he is comfortable, let them have the best times together.

I love the idea of paying for a professional photographer to come and take family portraits. A friend of mine had a photographer come to their house for the day and take a lot of candid shots and also posed ones. It was pretty expensive ($10000?) but they were handed all the negatives so they could print what they wanted or order painting sized prints from the photographer. They have a series where they are all dressed in white clothes in their back yard, your see all the shots when they were figuring out how to pose and the progressions is fun to see. Out of that set came one gorgeous family shot that looks casual yet posed: they are not all smiling and looking at the camera but the group conveys love.
I would ask around for references from others who have used at home photographers, and then ask for their business card or promotional material and send it to the family with a check. They can decide to cash the check for something else or use it for the photos.

S.,
I just read your post and I am still thinking what to say.It IS sad. It IS painful.
I am just trying to put my feelings or ideas into simple words, words that mostly in these case are worthless, no sense, no exact, I don't know.
I am a stranger to you, to your friends, to everybody H., but I do feel sad just reading this. Long time ago, I was at St Jude's Hospital and met many kids with cancer. It is a painful experience,..many of them knew that they would leave this world eventually, and some others simply not....and still they look at you and smile with the most heavenly smile that ironically enlighten your life..it is all I can say....Just be with your friends every step of the way, and spend time with the child who just needs smiles, little presents, something special he may want and he never had it (ask his mom), something simple just like that...Donation is always helpful, but company and comfort in every single detail..it remains for ever. Blessings for you, and for that family especially the little one.

I'm sitting her sobbing now too. :-( I cannot imagine having to deal with this...I don't think anything would come on too strong.
I would think a donation would be lovely.
Ugh. I. HATE. CANCER.