I Am Having Trouble with My 3 Yeard Old's Behavior

Hi A.,
This may not be easy, but...if she is acting out of past "stuff" and showing you her anger, etc....be honored. I know it isn't easy to be honored when someone is spitting at you (and I speak from similar experience) but YOU are the person she is trusting with the hard stuff.

Please..I can't suggest this highly enough...read the book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and How to Talk So Children Will Listen and How To Listen So Children Will Talk.

My heart to both of you,
P.

First of all I commend you, I know it must not be easy for you.
You just have to be firm. It's not you, it's all she has been through. You just have to be firm and patient, and make sure she eats right, gets enough rest and has a good schedule. Time outs per age, work great. She would get 3 minutes in a chair, should be the same one everytime, if your home. Make sure you do the same if your out, the car works good. Good luck.

I believe she is actually testing you, she wants to see what she can get away and what she cant. She's probably also testing your love for her. It's actually a good thing that she feels comfortable enough with you to misbehave like she does LOL I know it sounds bad saying it's a good thing but it shows she trusts you. They say when they act like that with someone it's because they trust you enough to do it. She doesnt trust others enough to show how she feels. At this age they don't know what they are feeling or how to change it so they get frustrated. The only advice I can give is to sit down and talk to her, say things like I see your upset can you tell me why? Ask her did this or that upset you, did it make you mad, sad or stuff like that. She's had alot to go threw so far and it might take awhile before she's through with the stage. You just need to walk away for a little bit if it gets to you too much and then explain to her that you love her but when she acts like that it upset you or makes you sad because you dont know how to help her. Talking with them and explaining how your feeling really helps because it helps them understand what emotions they are having too. I don't know if any of this will help but I hope it does.

Hi A.,
Sometimes children who have had what's called a "attachment disruption" develop difficulties attaching in a new family. This is shown in their behavior. The worst case scenerio is Reactive attachment disorder. You can google this for an idea but don't panic. There are ways to help heal this child but they are specialized. I would strongly recommend getting a therapist who knows about attachment therapy. If you want to email me directly at ____@____.com, I would be happy to help you find someone. I give you a lot of credit for adopting this child and wish you all the best.

Hi Anissa,
It sounds like your 3 year old's behavior could have a lot to do with her adjustment into a new family. I would really suggest getting some books on attachment in adoption. I would not suggest following the generic advice for behavior management with a toddler because that may exacerbate the situation. Adoption parenting is a little different than parenting a child who has always been with you. A few books that might be helpful are: 1) Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best; 2) Attaching in Adoption by D. Gray; 3) Adoption Parenting - Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections by J. MacLeod. If you don't really like reading, you could join a support group for adoptive families, or join an on-line group. Yahoo has a lot of on-line groups relating to adoption. As an adoptive mom myself, I have found both these books and the online support of parents who have been there incredibly helpful. Good luck, L.

Hi A., You have taken on a great deal with your niece. Her behavior is probably due to everything she has gone through in her short life. I got custody of my grandsons 7 years ago. One has been easy to handle but the other one has mental disabillities. Through my experience, I think she is testing you. She has not been loved like she should and so she thinks she is not worthy of your LOVE. She also does not trust you, because adults have not been trust worthy to her. She will push to see if you will give up on her too. Then if you leave her she will know no-one wants her. When she does wrong things; hug her or hold her and explain that you love her and will Never leave her. When she starts to spit at you; put your hand gentley on her mouth, hug her, give her a kiss and explain that spitting is not ever to be done in her new life. This little girl needs so much love and affection in her life now. You mention that you also have a baby, maybe you could include her in helping you with the baby, so she feels needed.
V.

First...although you are having a difficult time, don't put yourself down by assuming YOU are doing something wrong. You just haven't yet found what works for both of you. Someone else has done wrong by her and she is taking it out on you.

Two suggestions for handling her behavior...

1. I bought a book called "1,2,3 Magic". It has really helped me with my 3 yo. It basically teaches you strategies for counting to 3 and being consistent about it. I used to work for a children's behavioral health agency and their therapists used it with clients. They highly recommended it, and now I do, too.

2. Have you looked at the way your husband interacts with her to see if there is something in particular she responds well to? Maybe you could try those techniques?

I imagine your neice's behavior is due in large part to what she has been through. But I also think age 3 is a tough one. My little guy wants so much independence (he wants to bathe himself, operate the DVD, answer the phone and the door) and also wants to control things (he tries to make house rules, tells his little sister what to play with, makes demands of me). I accomodate his requests when it is appropriate. I explain rules as clearly as I can and give him reasons for the rules. I use our experiences to talk about expected behavior and inappropriate behavior. I praise him for positive actions and (try) to be consistent in following through with consequences. I explain my role as his mother is to love him, keep him safe and healthy, teach him how to do things, etc. He reacts more favorably when I use a calm voice; yelling usually escalates a situation. After we finish a consequence I give him a hug, tell him I love him, and if we haven't already done so we discuss the situation. For the most part these techniques work for us. And I know he really hears what I say because at later points in time he will retell the situation or our conversation.

I hope something here is useful to you. I wish you well with the adoption and resolving the behavior issues.

There is a little kids book called " I love you stinky face" about a mom's unconditional love for her son. Your neice/daughter needs counseling to know it's OK to put her trust and love in you and you are going to need training(they have some of this stuff for foster parents too). But the book is a nice in home thing that can remind her of unconditional love.

Your a very brave and wonderful lady to take on a child that has had a troubled past. You really need to stay firm, strong and not take anythng she says or does personally. Get her into counseling ASAP. She's going to need lots of love and firm simple rules with firm simple disapline. Be consistant!! She is testing you to see if you really do love her and will stay with her no matter what. It will take time, but she will come around. Good luck, & best wishes!!

I have no experience in adopting but my best guess is that you need a professional in the mix. She is probably dealing with issues that she can't deal with on her own, especially at 3.

Hi A.,

I'm don't know your situation and why you are adopting her, but could it be that she hasn't had any woman in her life that has done good by her? She could have some trust issues about woman or about the person who is the sole care giver??? I would say that you should make her abide by your rules now or she will never learn to do that and by being consistent with her she will eventually build that trust for you. She will grow to know what is expected of her and that the reason you make her listen (and punish) is because you care about her and love her. Plus you don't want your child to learn these bad behaviors also.

I hope this helps,

L.

If she has been through a lot then she is behaving this way for a reason. I'm not sure what she has been through but it has made her angry and for some reason ahe is taking it out on oyu. Is it the fact that your a woman possibly the reason? How has she been treated by the women in her life? Sometimes kids with trauma are acting out to test wether or not they really are lovable. Sounds backwards I know but tehy are trying to confirm if they really are as bad as what otehr people have treated tehm. You have to confirm by your actions that while you won't allowe her to physically hurt anyone, including herself or anything, nothing she can do can stop you from loving her.
Genteleness, consistency and patience will work great with her.
I would get professional help for everyone in the family to adapt to this. It sounds like you love her very much and she will asimilate faster if you are all in therapy.
Clamping down on her behaviour will oprobably backfire if she has been through a lot as she will probably get worse. Pick you battles and always keep a calm low voice. She needs to be taught kindness and anger copntrol and you can model that in how you respond to her.

My advice would be first, to be consistent, make sure she knows the rules, and what you expect of her. Even though she is only 3, she knows more than you think. When she tells you she hates you, just say you love her, and move on, don't dwell on it or let her see it upsets you, or she will keep doing it. Make sure you praise her for good behavior, but when she does display bad behavior, be consistent in punishment, time out, sent to her room, whatever it is that works make sure you do it, and keep doing it. I used to use a marble jar, the kids could earn marbles for good things, sharing, cleaning up, trying something new, etc. but lost marbles for bad behavior and so on, this was good because they had a visual, and I could always say want to lose a marble, then at the end of the day we counted the marbles, and they could cash them in for a reward or save them for something bigger. I hope this helps a little. Keep us posted.