I Am Going Crazy!! LOL!

I used to have that problem when my two boys were little... I ended up getting a TV for the car and, if they behaved, they could watch cartoons... They suddenly became angels in the car and my right arm shrank to its normal length again after spending a long time stretched into the back of the car separating my kids!! I can only imagine my boys multiplied by two - it must be a huge challenge! Good luck to you...

A mom suggested an atlas...there's a Texas Road Atlas--I've bought them at Walmart--that shows very detailed maps of every road you might find...it's about 100 pages! Kids could definitely find something to look for out the window, even out there in the far west! My kids are in their 20s now, but I solved the seating issue by allowing one to have the front seat (or first pick) on even-numbered days, the second on odd-numbered days, and the third on days that were multiples of 5. Some kind of arbitrary solution like that might work for you, just don't make it too complicated--birthdays were the 22nd, 1st & 5th so that wasn't as weird as it may seem. When I was little, before seatbelts, my mom would pull to the side of the road if we were too rowdy...and an unairconditioned, immobile, fully loaded station wagon was uncomfortably toasty after just a minute! My kids also used to get carsick, so their game boys or the tv/vcr weren't an option for us. Actually, without a lot of stimulation, I found that they'd fall asleep. Maybe a week or so with no movies, and Mom gets to pick the radio/music selections? I also used to put kids music tapes on and we'd all sing...we have a family tradition car game called "who am I" that we still recall fondly...Kind of rambling, but hope it helps! Good luck!

Hi T.,
what we do when we travel is put in a DVD of their choice. They really watch and listen to the movie. The trips we take are up to 5 hrs and the kids don't fight. My children are 7 and 4. I hope this ideas were helpful.

Elisa M

I've read all the responses to your predicament, and you've been given some great advice. Being in the car for that long is hard on anyone, child or adult. The problem for kids is that they haven't had years to develop good coping strategies for the frustration that accompanies long periods of inactivity in a somewhat cramped space. The problem for you is that you have to deal with the results of that frustration. Nothing is going to improve, however, unless all five of you can agree to a code-of-conduct for your car trips.

As previous Mom's have suggested, you have to have your kid's buy-in. If they don't agree that good behavior is important, you're going to be left in the position of being the "bad guy." You may get the result you want- a quiet car- but you'll also have sullen, unhappy kids. Why not call for a family meeting and discuss your options? Your 10, 8 and 6 year-olds are mature enough to come up some good ideas of their own, and if it's their ideas that your enforcing, you'll have an easier time of it. Whatever you decide, why not put it in writing and have them sign off on it? If a problem crops up in the car, you can always refer them to their written promise.

Once you do have their agreement, you have to let them know how you intend to enforce it. Again, getting their ideas is a good idea. If your kids feel the consequence of breaking your agreement is going to be a fair, FIRM punishment, they'll be more likely to behave (or return to good behavior quickly). You've been given lots of good ideas for ways to handle misbehavior. I've found with my 3 kids that what works isn't so much the punishment, as the fact that they know I'm consistent with it. From a mild rebuke, up to the nuclear option (no electronic anything for week- only instituted once), they know in advance what punishment (or negative consequence) is associated with a wrong behavior, and once the punishment is triggered, that's it. No amount of pleading (no matter how grating or how heart-rending it is) or subsequent good behavior, changes it.

Lastly, I'm wondering whether there is a safe place to pull off the road on your 100 trips? If you can work a 10 minute run-around or stretch break into your commute, that's got to be helpful to the kids. You can use the break to reward your kids for good behavior by doing silly things like turning up the radio and pretending your rock stars or playing leapfrog or something like that. If your kids burn off some of that pent-up energy, the rest of your ride should be smoother.

Good luck!

STOP THE CAR!!!

You need to mean it. Explain that the arguing and noise is VERY distracting and you do not want to get into an accident. All your kids are old enough to understand this is a safety issue (and sanity issue for you) and that it will NOT be tolerated. So, every time the kids start arguing, fighting, yelling, hitting, etc, you pull over to a complete stop immediately- no matter who it is, who started it, no matter how "late" you are or could be, no matter if you're on a back road or the highway. Stop and don't say a word or move the car until they are quiet.

We had the same issues and after only two times pulling over our vehicle, the fights stopped. Now all I say is "Do I have to pull over?" while slowing down, and it gets quiet!

The best part is, you don't even have to raise your voice or force them to listen. Just stop the car and sit quietly (turn off the DVD, radio, or whatever else is making noise besides the kids). You may be late once or twice until the kids know the consequences (they'll hate sitting in silence), but this will save you tons of headaches, I hope! Good luck!!

[I hope your brood isn't this extreme, but once I had to threaten to make my oldest get out of the car - it was a safe place to stop - in order for her to quit her bad behavior. She listened instead (thank goodness), so she didn't have to get out, and she hasn't tried it again! Be firm, you are the boss and need to keep your kids safe on the road!]

I had some experiences with my three boys which led me to this book called "1-2-3 Magic" by Phelan.

You might find some hints in this book to help you. What I would suggest is some de-programming. I mean, no DVD, no favorite seating, no pillows even: when there is any fussing.

To get there, you will need to decide what to battle about first. Say, no raised voices. That means, for a while, you will to refrain from being "verbally repetitive" about shoving, entertainment choices, etc, but when there is a raised voice the count begins. They would have consequences for getting to the count of 3, and I would be lenient with age, where I would get to 3 quicker if it is the oldest but warn the littlest that you would count if he continues. (You really have to go with your motherly instincts.) Anyway, their consequences could be a loss of privilege (like TV time at home, or computer games at home). The consequence may be that you pull over and wait for five minutes, asking for silence.

I don't know how to describe how this 1-2-3 counting worked for me. When I used this 1-2-3 counting method, I really had to work hard on keeping my emotional response from being an angry and very frustrated response. LOL!

In your situation, sounds to me, you have a kid, or two, who may not be good with taking turns yet. Then, you have a kid or two who should obey more readily.

Consistency was my other obstacle. Say up front what you are going to do. "Disturbing the driver" can be dangerous on any road!

I'm sure all of the responders are going to wonder what works for you!

Good luck!

I have two children that are old enough to choose where they want to sit, one has an odd birthday (1st) the other has an even birthday (14th) on odd days the one with an odd birthday gets to choose their seat, and on even days the one with an even birthday chooses their seat. My four year old is still in a car seat so he has an "assigned" seat which can't be changed.

We play a "strange" game mostly for the little one but it is quite contagious, even kids who get a ride with us somewhere end up playing. We pick an unusual color for a vehicle, with us it is usually orange or purple or green because they are not as common. The first person to see it and say "orange car I saw it first" gets a point and at the end of 10 points the game starts over. Someone other than the caller has to see the vehicle and the driver is the judge. No matter what color car we pick you can also get points for motorcycles and any vehicle with a siren. If you aren't playing that is fine but you have to do your own thing quietly.

Also, I bought cheap DVD players on Black Friday so that everyone has their own DVD player that watch.

We play a game called "Yellow Car". The first one to spot a yellow car, calls it. You don't keep track of how many times you've said it, the last one spotted wins. We disallow buses and commercial vehicles, but you can make your own rules. The driver is allowed to play and the game is over when the car is turned off and a new game begins when the car starts. Oh, and we also rule out the ones that are ALWAYS in the same spot - we have a neighbor who has one, and no one is allowed to call it!! Keeps everyone on their toes and "looking"!!!!

I am responding without reading the other responses, so I hope I am not repeating. My kids worked out a system for the front seat.....THEY did it....I told them NOBODY could sit in the front seat if I had to settle it all the time. So, they have a rotation schedule by the month. This month it's Hunter, next month whoever....I have absolutely no clue.... I stay out of it. They have it written on a calendar. You could make a rotation scheudule for the whole car....and, it is what it is at that point. As for the movies, make that a schedule too. It sounds like a lot of work and a lot of schedules. But, if you guys are in the car as much as you are, then it is WELL WORTH it for your sanity. Maybe let them help and suggest the schedule. This might make it easier to. Give them a calendar and sit them all down at the kitchen table and let them work it out. You can sit down and tweak it with them if you need to.

My friend has a rule about fighting in the car.... if her girls start arguing, she pulls over. When the stop, she continues on..... but she never says a word. (For the record, she also does this when they say, "How much longer?" or "Are we almost there?" when they are on road trips....they know that those questions cost them 15 min.).

I have 4 kids too and trying to settle all the squabbles is exhausting. I finally just started telling them to work it out and that I am not getting in the middle of it. Tattling means you get sent to your room, unless it is because someone is bleeding E.R. amounts of blood or dying.

Kids are going to squabble, but I have learned by staying out of it that they "get over" their disagreements a lot faster this way too (which is not really a result I ever saw coming, but it's a nice one).

Good luck!

I have 4 children as well and nothing irritates me more than arguing! I have a "deal" with my children. I charge them $2 per minute to listen to them argue. They are given a bill and then have to decide how to pay me. They can give me money if they have it or work off the debt with a chore of my choice. Since I instituted this "deal" I have only collected $4. It seems to really be working. All I have to say is "do I hear arguing? or are you working out your differences calmy?" So far, this has been a good solution. My kiddos are learning how to be more responsible for working out disagreements on their own.

Maybe I am livign in a fantasy world, but my parents did not have this problem. (I haven't had two young children in the car together, so....)

My younger brother and I took turns in the front seat, once we were both big enough. We were not allowed to fight at all. There was no such thing as yelling to that extent...or hitting each other. our parents figured out a way to let us know early on that that was beyond unacceptable. We didn't care to cross our parents, so we figured out a different way to resolve our conflicts.

Do your kids not take you seriously? Maybe you've been inconsistent with their discipline. Maybe they're just burned out on being in the car, no matter how many distractions you give them.

They fight they lose everything. With no discussion. Simply turn it off. Read "have a new kid by Friday" then stick with it. Good luck.

Hi T.,

Well, my first suggestion would be to move! That sounds like a LOT of driving. However, this is probably not a real possibility or you would have already done it so...

- Have the kids do their homework for part of the trip
- Have the seating arrangement rotate clockwise for each trip
- Buy a big atlas and have the kids map out where you live, where they want to go on vacation, where grandma lives, etc.
- Math/Spelling/Colours/Opposites flashcards for the kids to quiz each other with

That's all that I can think of at the moment. Good luck!

T., I have four children exactly the same ages so I completely understand where you are at. Similarly, we spend a LOT of time in the car. It helps to have the DVD players with movies (even school house rock) that they enjoy but I don't want for them to depend on the movies to behave.

One day I absolutely HAD it. I STOPPED THE CAR. I calmly explained to them that they were "distracting the driver" and that the consequence could be that we are KILLED. Harsh as it sounds, it is the truth. Whenever they start to get a bit loud I remind them that they are "distracting the driver!!!". Strangely, it seems to be working.

A teacher once told me that when her (four) girls would begin to fight she would pull the car over and tell the culprit to "GET OUT". When I asked, "what if it's raining?" her reply was "all the better for me"...LOL.

Good luck!

Well, we have a 15 passenger van and 4 kids (we have had several pregnancy losses and didn't expect to have only 4.) I have the oldest on a bench by herself, the next on a bench by herself, and the two youngest right behind me.

I have 'car school' with them. We learn vocabulary words, count, sing,do math problems, and listen to sermons or dramatized stories (you can buy them online or find out when your local stations may play them.) They have books and doodle boards but seem to want lots of attention while we are driving.

Our church is 85 miles away and that is so hard, I can't imagine 100 miles! We plan to move closer to church/work/dr offices. Living in the country was nice but it's pretty bothersome to our lives now.

S., mom to 4 girls ages 2-6 and wife to Paul of 7 years, undergoing chemo for stage 3 colon cancer.

My suggestion for part of it would be to make the kids sit in the same spot every time. I am sure the 4 year old is in a carseat so there wouldn't be any arguing there but the older 2 could sit in the back (I'm assuming you have 3 row seating) and the 6 yr old could sit w/ the 4 year old. Either that or I would put one of the older 2 by each younger one.

My mom used to pull over on the side of the road when me and my brother would start arguing. We learned really fast that she would stay there until we stopped and we missed alot of stuff b/c we lived so far out as well. And if we argued again she would pull right back over.

We played all the color games as well as finding the letters in signs, coloring books and books. My kids have a dvd player and only get to watch it when they aren't arguing (they also have assigned seats so no arguing there) We just bought some of those travel games to put in the car as well as made a Busy Bag w/ Bendaroos, colors, books, and a bunch of other stuff they can do in the car.

Good luck

My children have assigned seats in our van. They know that no matter what, they sit where they were assigned. If you can, put a space between two. For instance, I have my 4yr. old and baby in the bucket seats of the van. I have my thirteen and eight year old in the back seat, each one next to a window. That creates a space between them, and they have also fought over who crossed the line in the middle. You may want to start a set of rules. If the rules are followed a reward may be given and if not, a privilage will be lost. You know what they like, use that to your advantage. For the reward, I would build up to something, like using check marks or stickers on a chart and if they get a certain amount they earn a prize at the end of the week. Reward could be a treat toy or date with a parent. Hope this helps!!

Rotate seating and make it permanent. On Monday, child A sits in a certain place no matter what, and so on. There's 4 children and 5 days in the week, so make day 5 a lottery Sraw straws or put seat places in a hat and have them take turns drawing, then whatever the draw is, they have to live by it. When my children were young we played the alphebet game. We would begin with the letter "A" and look for a road sign, either on the road or a building, that had a word in it that began with an "A", then we went to "B" and so on thru the alphebet. By the time you get to "W,X.Y,Z" they're all too busy looking that they're quiet. Even the 4 year old can participate. Then there's the auto license plate game. Who can spot the most out of state license plates, or who can make words using the letters on the license plates..ie PFG could be Plenty Fast Gal, or TTF could be Terrific Texas Famale. Then there's the who can spot the most pick-up, or red card...there's lots of ways to change up that game. Colerin books and workbooks are too much like school and no kid want to do that.

Me & my sister were the SAME WAY. Oh how horrible we must've been but it was b/c she ALWAYS 'got her way' (she was oldest too) so I ended up, truly getting left out so that's what the arguments generally boiled down to in our household. So we resorted to have our days of the week. Tu, Th, & Sat were my days to sit up front, check the mail, ect. & M-W-F were hers. On Sundays, we'd switch off at every stop or if there was only one stop then we'd switch the next Sunday where I could have my turn. I was the one who actually came up w/that idea & it DID work. If we had to sit together in the back seat, we'd use the seam of the seat that was in the middle to 'divide' the seat so if we 'crossed that line' then there'd be proof. We also had those travel magnetic games like checkers, etc. or 'games books' that'd have us pointing out stuff on the way so it did wk for us in that manner but there were only two of us. You have 4 so it may be more challenging. Have you tried drawing 'positions' from a hat (or bucket, bowl, whatever's handy)? Before you leave to go somewhere, have the kids draw their 'positions' in the car from a hat & that's where they'll sit. If they all fight over 'who gets the front seat' or the fave seat then just tell them they have to rotate at every stop. If one gets 'left out', aka not enough stops to accomdate all rotations, then just say that child gets first pick the next trip then write that down as a reminder. If one seems to get the same fave seat over & over then they can pick last the next time. You can even put it up on a poster board to show who sat where to keep track 'visually'. Sometimes that helps too. If it comes down to the last DingDong or Twinkie, divide it. Even if it's four small pieces, they each should get a piece or else just eat it yourself where none will get it. My sister ALWAYS got the last one rather than my mom 'playing fair' & dividing it. Guess she never thought of it but I vowed that if I had more than one child, I'd play as fair as possible. Later on when they grow & mature, hopefully they'll look back & realize how silly all that arguing was over stuff that really seemed to matter at the time. Good luck & hope these suggestions help!! I know you must be at your wits' end!

Donna C is right - get "1-2-3 Magic" and stick to your guns. We have 2 games we play that your two oldest may want to try. The first one (sounds kinds dumb) we call "What am I thinking about?" It's like I Spy and 20 Questions. One person comes up with something-anything. The other person asks questions to try to figure out what it is. My kids are a little bit older so we don't limit the ideas. What they choose can be anything - from a carrot, to the strings on a baseball, to a telephone wire.

Another thing I started doing when my daughter was 10 was play mental tic-tac-toe. The tic-tac-toe grid is numbered 1 through 9 as you go left to right. Top row is 1,2,3. Second row is 4,5,6. Third row is 7,8,9. You play by taking turns calling out the number of the square where you want your mark placed. She calls out 5 (which is center square). I call out 1 (upper left square). She calls 7 (lower left). I call 3 (upper right to block her win). Keep going until someone gets a tic-tac-toe or the game is a draw. This game is a good brain stimulator because they have to remember the squares they choose and those of their oppponent. It also can be played anywhere. Any disputes? Use 1-2-3 Magic.

I would start from scratch. Give everyone an assigned seat, with the safest seat going to the 2yo. To maintain harmony, would give each child a corner. These seats need to be assigned by you and non negotiable. I would tell them that they may not have any movies in the car any longer until they get along. If they are good on the way there, they can have a movie on the way back sort of thing. Let them each pack a backpack with their own stuff in it. Include in that backpack snacks and drinks that are car friendly.

Of course, there is the option of moving closer to where you actually live your life.

Good Luck and I hope that helps. I have 3 boys and sometimes I have to really lay down the law and get nasty.

You've certainly had some creative and undoubtedly helpful stratagies pointed out here, but I'm taking another route. Since attending this particular church is a top priority, what about moving closer? I realize you're probably very attached to the country life, but with all the time your family spends traveling, is there any time left to actually enjoy it to its fullest? There are always other domiciles to choose from and schools abound, but you'll never recapture all those lost days inside a vehicle that you could have spend smelling the roses.

Hi T., I didn't read all the other responses, but with 3 kids this is what we did for long trips anyway. We had a suburban and the kids would rotate one spot everytime we stopped. The kid on the left side went to the right side, the kid on the right went to the back seat (that was prime spot because they were the only one in the back) and the kid in the back seat went to the left side. Not sure if you could work this with 4 kids but it worked for us. And if one was particularly annoying, they didn't get to move at the next stop. If you have a DVD player, maybe the prime spot will be the one that has the best view. Good luck, and for what its worth, they really do grow out of this eventually, and more quickly than you think!

My youngest brother is only 5 years older than my son, and 8 years older than my daughter. They fought maybe 3 times in my car. I put an end to it quick! I was the adult of the situtation and let them know that I would not put up with them fighting. I didn't care who crossed who's line. I let each of them know what was what. After I moved away from my family, my children had to travel 500 miles one way, twice a month. Not to mention the weekly trips of 50 miles one way, and the daily trips of 15 miles one way. We also travel all of the state of Texas, since we are located in Central Texas. We tend to go out of town on the week-end when we do not have something going on, and have been doing this now for 6 years. All of this was done without DVD players, Gameboys, PSPs, or anything else electronic. My children would bring books along with them and were required read give an oral at the next stop of what they read if they acted up. After a few outbursts, they never did it again. Now when I travel with my children, they are wonderful. The only complaining I hear anymore is how bad they have to pee after they have drank a gallon of water.

This summer my 5 and 2 yr old went on a car fighting spree that drove me crazy! I couldn't even go 3 miles without each of them earning 4 consequences. What I started to do was simply pull over and sit quietly whenever it started. They knew they had to be quiet and apologize to each other before I would go again. Within a week, they were both significantly better because they lost out on things because we were late from sitting on the side of the road.