I Am Burnt Out!!!

You sound just like I did a month ago. I finally went to my doctor and asked for some anti-depressants. I feel like a new woman- myself! I have 6 kids, and every day was a huge struggle to move, do what I have to, and just function. Now, I feel normal again. Please consider that you might be depressed, and get some help. It is great to feel normal again, and I am finally able to deal with some of the things we have been just "ignoring" due to my lack of caring anymore.
By the way, I had been building up to the depression for over a year, and I had hit rock bottom. I hate the idea of having to be on something, but I just feel so much better. And, also, it takes a few weeks for the medicine to kick in, so give it at least a few weeks to work. Good Luck!

A little about me, mother to 6 kids, ranging in age from 17-3, married to the love of my life for almost 20 years, and I am 40 years old.

I have the same problem with 3 classes. I'm 35 with 2 special needs children. I had to take a quarter off from school just to regroup thing's. I am going back to college in the spring.

K.,
First of all you should not feel guilty for feeling the way you do. I am also the mother of a special needs child. I remember vividly how I used to watch the minutes drag by in the evening when I felt like 8pm would never come so I could put him to bed and be away from him. I still have moments where I don't think I can do it anymore. Its human to feel that way.

Next, you have to realize you can't do everything. My house is a mess too. The dishes don't always get done. I feed my kids microwave and fast food more than I should. There are toys EVERYWHERE and dirty laundry taking over the bathroom. But I'm doing the best I can and that's all you can do.

You need to find a way to get a break. I understand that you don't have family or friends here to help, or you just don't want to ask for help but that is crazy. If there are people who you trust to help, and who are willing to help, you must call and ask them for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or admission that you are a bad parent. Realizing you need some help is a sign that you are a good parent. It really sounds like you could be heading down a road to depression. You don't want to reach a point where you are unable to care for yourself and your son. I work in child protection and you don't want the county coming in and taking him away because you're not able to care for him appropriately.

Does your son have a caseworker? If so, you need to call that person and ask for respite care. Get some referrals to parenting groups. I don't know what the special needs are, but I imagine there are support groups for you if you just look for them. But you need to ask. Once you do, you're going to find people in similar situations who can give you advice, comfort, suggestions, and support. Don't keep trying to do this all by yourself.

Good luck.

K.,
I know you might see it as one more demand on your time, but I think it would be well worth your while to get hooked up with a support group of some sort - maybe Parents without Partners would be a good place to start. You need to hear from many others who have been overwhelmed at times in their lives as parents, and how they have gotten through it. This would be one important step toward taking care of yourself in the midst of all this.

You may also want to consider supportive counseling - again a step toward taking care of yourself and helping you also become the person you know you want to be even in the midst of being a single parent of a child with special needs.

And here's the most simple advice I have for you of all, and yet it can be highly effective when you are overstressed and at your wits end. Interrupt those racing thoughts that stress bring on by first stopping to look down at your feet, reminding yourself that all you have to deal with at the moment IS only this one moment. You don't have to take on the whole question of how you're going to do anything more that in that present moment. Then take a slow, deep breath - all the way down to your navel (like we all breathe when sleeping), pause and then exhale completely. Taking this slowing down breath 3 to 5 times can slow down your throughts which lead to the frustration. Then give yourself an alternative thought - one you would like to truly embrace, like "I only need to attend to the next few moments, then move on to the moment beyond." or If you are a spiritual person something like "Bring peace to my heart, and wisdom to know how to love and be who I want to be for myself and my son."

There's a good book, too, which might help which you can buy cheaply second hand: Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Richard Carlson & Joseph Bailey. Great for helping slow down your thinking to be able to handle whatever comes your way.

You can do this, K.. Good for you for asking for help!

Good morning,
After hearing everything you are doing-I know you know it's too much. When things get like that for me I prioritize what are you going to take off your plate. Sine your son is your 1st priority-I would figure out what classes to drop and I would also look into a college program for adults with busy schedules like University of Phoenix. In that program you have class one night a week. You still carry a full scheduele in the sense that in the time of a semester you will complete 3 classes. This way you can balance things a little better. I am a college graduate and always used to be doing work things plus kid things and I had to realize that in the big scheme of things family is what matters. School and everything needs to work around my scheduele and within sane limits. So short term drop a class or two-so few employers will care and those that will probably wouldn't be undestanding of the time you will be needing to spend with your son. Long term find a new program so you can center your stuff around your son and remember u r doing this for him.

Hello, I don't know where you live so I'm not sure what services you have available to you, but the place you take your son for therapy may have information for some help. It sounds like you really need someone to come and take care of your son a few times a week so you have time to yourself, even if it is just to do the dishes. I don't know his special needs but I do know having children with special needs can be overwhelming. Don't be ashamed to ask for help if you don't have family around you need time to yourself also. If I was close to you I'd help you out.
Good Luck-stay strong-and Pray also.

((((((K.))))))) Hugs to you. I know its hard. I have a 2 1/2 year old and some days I feel like my head is going to pop off. Yes they are very very very needy at that age. They are supposed to be. It would be strange if they weren't. Since your child can't adjust his needs and wants (and he shouldn't have to) you need to adjust some things in your situation so you can tend to him more. Yes, I know the constant whining is driving you insane but we are moms and this is what we signed up for. He won't be that way forever. One day you will see him with his son or daughter and chuckle when he has that "look" on his face. My parents just smile when my daughter "acts her age", cause I was the exact same way.

You need to cut back, drop a class, see a therapist and maybe get on some medication. I found that yoga and tai chi helped to calm my mind. You say you don't want help. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, but I feel that is selfish. Your getting help will help your child to have a better life.

Your house: As long as it isn't filthy dirty who cares.

Definition of insanity: Doing the exact same thing and expecting different results. The choice is yours.

You can do this - hang in there! We all know what you are going through.

Hi K., thank you for reaching out. There is help. Just remember to keep asking. First thing. Do you belong to a church community? Do not hesitate asking for help. Meals, someone to help with house work, and transportation. I also encourage you to seek professional help let your doctor know what is going on. Also call PACER. There 800 number can be found at www.pacer.org. Find out if they have information on finding respite services for you. Let them know the space you are in and see if someone there can help you arrange it. I encourage all of us moms to live by this mantra. Women First-Family Always. Try and carve out a moment everyday for yourself. We must take care of us first to be there for others. The exact opposite of what society tells us. You are valuable and very unique. Keep your chin up and reach out. Let us know how any of us can help. AnitaJ

You need to cut some things out and worry about your son. You have your entire life to go to school and do things for you but only a few short years to enjoy him being young. I'm sure at the end of your life you won't regret taking a break to concentrate on him. Also maybe finding a support group with parents going through the same thing might help. If there is nothing locally, you could probably find something online. Good luck and remember things happen for a reason. As a single mom myself I know how hard it can be. I had to give up living on my own to be able to stay at home with my daughter but it was the best choice I could have ever made!

You have a lot on your hands and it sounds like you're near a breaking point. Everyone will look at you and wonder how you do it- at some point you may look back and wonder yourself. You'll do it because you have to. Right now this is your lot in life. It won't always be so difficult, you'll get through school, you'll adjust to the responsibilities of having a child with special needs and the time and energy commitment that requires, and life will always have it's ups and downs but it will hopefully be a smoother ride. Rally up your determination and self confidence, believe in yourself and your ability to get through this and to do it well. You can offer your son what he needs. You can get through school- you may not be an honor student (and I am sorry for that potential loss, I know the sense of pride found in those achievements) but your load has increased and as long as you are still able to get through school, in the long run that's all that will be important. It'll be a daily decision to keep going, to finish what needs to be done despite exhaustion, and to keep in mind that you are forming a childhood and the days that pass cannot be taken back so they need to be handled with care and love.
Good luck dear, from someone who's been there.

My dear, with all due respect, You are burnt out and suffering from depression (although you may not realize it) and to no surprise. What a load you are carrying! Who are your support people in your life? Can you lean on them for help here? Most college have counseling services available, and I stongly suggest you take advantage of whatever resources there are available for you to use. My heart goes out to you. You are obviously a strong person, just very tired and overwhelmed. Please respond to me (privately) if you want to talk some more.

Hi K.,
Just wanted to ask if you're on any meds. I was on Mirena for 2 months and got depressed and was lashing out like crazy to my husband. I would've never put it together if it wasn't for a side effects forum. Otherwise, it looks like there's alot of help here. Good luck and god bless you and your son.

K.,

I'm SO sorry you feel the way you do. Reading your post made me sad, but I can kind of relate. For several years I was a single parent (I had my son when I was 17, a Jr in HS) - his father was never involved. I took only a couple weeks off from school after he was born, then went back to my regular HS and resumed a regular HS education. I also worked 25 hrs a week, and still tried to cram in time to socialize with my peers, date, and whatnot. I've always loved being a mommy and I've always loved my son to pieces, but after a while, you start to feel so drained that you feel you have nothing left to offer. You're so tired, little things bother you more than they should. After HS I worked full time for a year and then went to college and continued to work part time. While my son didn't have special needs, it still feels overwhelming sometimes. My biggest suggestions for you are 1) ASK FOR HELP. I know you said that family isn't really an option and that you don't think you even want the help, but I'm telling you - it'll make you feel so much better not having everything depending on you all of the time. As a friend or a babysitter to come over for a couple hours once a week - in the evening or on the weekends so you can get homework done, clean your house, take a bath, read a book - anything that you want/need to do for yourself. 2) Don't feel too guilty. It's a slump - most of us have them from time to time. Your son is young, he probably won't remember this period in his life as long as you're able to get it under control soon. You're not the only one who has felt this way, but the key is making choices that will help correct the problem. Finally, would it be at all possible to lessen your class load for the next semester? Maybe take even one class less than you normally would? I know it would set back your graduation date, but you'd probably be happier and have more energy in the meantime. I wish you the best of luck! Remember, if nothing else, just talk to someone about it!!

Blessings!
R.

My heart goes out to you. I am not going to go into anything else because my life experience is completely different. I can only imagine how hard it is. Tena (I think) mentioned respite care. Here is the name of a place that may be able to help you... Children Home Society and Family Services of Anoka County. They used to be called the Crisis Nursery. I know that there are other facilities in other metro locations. You need help. Seek them out.

http://www.chsfs.org/Crisis_Nursery_Locations.html
Anoka County
1400 - 131st Avenue NE
Blaine, MN 55434
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Chisago & Isanti Counties
6448 Main Street, P.O. Box 186
North Branch, MN 55056
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Ramsey & Dakota Counties
2230 Como Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55108
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Dakota County (by appointment only)
220 South Robert Street, Suite 106
St. Paul, MN 55107
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http://www.crisisnursery.org/
24-Hour Parent Helpline: ###-###-####

I would strongly recommend a PCA. I have a special needs child as well, I don't work, but know if I did they are available. If you want you can even use a friend or family member as a PCA, but they would have to understand they are being paid, it is a job and they aren't doing you a favor by doing this. You can contact social services in your county and they can give you a list of agencies. Not sure if you have any help from the county (grants, waivers, etc) but most of them help cover cost as well. You can be the mom you used too! Please don't think you should do everything yourself just because you are his mom. Many moms without special needs children need help. I went through the same thing with my daughter and I got burnt out too. Asking for help doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you human. I've heard everything from you're a super mom to a saint. You feel none of that is true, you don't even know how you get through the day. You aren't alone. Feeling this way is common and normal, but understand this, you need and deserve a break! Do what you can to get it. You are a good mom to you son, be good to yourself too.

Hi K.,
I too was once a single mom, going to college and holding a job (but my situation was a little different b/c I don't have a special needs child). Life was hard! But my best advice is to find a support network of friends and family. I woouldn't have made it see my graduation day without the help of my friends and family. Try to take time out for yourself (I know that's easier said than done, but it can be done!), stay positive and remember the big picture. This whole situation is teaching you something very powerful. Best wishes and God Bless!

K.
I hear you! I went back to school when I had 2 small children at home and one on the way. I was so depressed! I was trying to be super mom and it didn't work out. I needed help both physically and medication. I lost about 40 pounds because I was so stressed out and didn't want to eat. I was to the point where I didn't even want to leave the house. I was put on a depression medication and asked for help from friends, church family as my family was not close by. It made a world of difference. Please don't get to the point of where I did, believe me it is not worth being a super mom and not having your sanity. I was a very independent person also and didn't want to ask, but my therapist that I saw said one thing that stayed with me. He said, "So you ask for help so what, everyone needs help at some point in their life." and it made a big difference in my life. I sometimes fall back into the old habit, and then I remember him saying this and ask for help again. Old habits are hard to break but I take one day at a time. Good luck!

Hi K.,

I know you probably feel like you've got enough responses but I have to tell you you're not the only one stuggling to manage it all. I'm full time in school with young twins - one of them who has special needs 3-4 x's/day. It's exhausting! I'm in my 4th year out of what will end up being 5 years and here is my suggestions:

1) No matter how much is sucks - find and accept help. Seriously. I'm one of those who want independence more than anything in the world, but I've also realized that I'm strong enough to know when I need help and how getting the help now does not mean I need it forever.

2) Reduce your credit load. I know that means you may ultimately be in school longer - but you have to think of the future courses. As you get to the upper 3XXX and 4XXX level courses, the difficulty level may not change (and sometimes it will change) but the expectations change greatly. It pays to really learn the material at the lower level so that the upper level expecations can be met without as much work. I've reduced my credit load (13 this semester) and compensated by taking summer courses. I would suggest dropping the course(s) that can be taken in the summer - and I would also suggest going over your academic plan with an advisor before doing anything. Also, it makes no sense to drop the course that requires the least amount of your time or effort. Get the "easy" ones over with.

3) See if an antidepressant will help. This doesn't mean you're super depressed, but sometimes you're "down" just enough to make life's requirements harder than they need to be. Your organization skills fall to the wayside, and perspectives on things change. Granite, exercising can provide these benefits, but when you're as busy as we are there is no time for exercise and the meds can make a difference.

Good luck. I know how you feel.

It sounds like you are depressed and with so much going on in your life, that makes sense. Talk to your doctor, I am sure he/she can help.

I totally understand. I have an 8 year old son with special needs and it is hard to be responsible for his total care. I do lots of running with him. I best suggestion is to find a way to take a break from everything. Even if it's just for a couple of hours. I feel better after doing that. I feel bad about doing something that is just for me, but I find that I must in order to stay sane.

WOW you sound just like me except my child isn't special needs. I realized as much as I want to work full time or go to school I just can't handle it.I've tried and tried and tried. I don't know how some single mom's do it. I am not one of those mom's. I am a better mommy working part time and being home more. I plan to further my education or get a "real" job when my daughter is older. Right NOW my daughter NEEDS me. Right now she is a little kid, I can't make up the lost years if I get myself so busy she's on the backburner. That's how I felt when I was going to school, I was so stressed out and she was always bugging me too. I took care of my daughter and I am a great mother but I didn't give her the love and quality time she needed. Same thing when I quit school and worked full time. The daycare center was raising my daughter and I was so exhausted I never wanted to cook or clean or spend time with my daughter I just want to veg out exhausted. Maybe it's because I have absolutely no support from anyone and little to no family. My mom passed away and I don't have a relationship with my father anymore. I never get breaks, help nothing. I look at the single mom's who pawn their kids off with the grandparents all the time and take advantage of their free babysitter and I want to scream. My advise is it's really great your going to school but maybe you need to slow down, drop a class or two or focus more on school when your child is older or will qualify for more help and stuff. Is going to school worth it? In the long run you can't make up the lost time or love with your son. Just take one day at a time and do something for YOURSELF! I work part time right now it's a perfect situation I get out of the house, see other adults. I still have enough income to squeeze by yet I'm able to be involved with my daughter's school, volunteer there, and I'm there for my daughter in every way, my house is 10X cleaner and we have a good meal on the table every night. Wasn't like that before trust me. The biggest one is I'm not stressed I'm happy and if mom is happy then the home is a happy place. Because I'm not working full time we don't have alot of spending money and we go without alot of materialist things but we have the love and time and attention. That's more important to me.

Oh K., Hang in there. This too shall pass.

However, I think you have a very full plate. Bide your time until this semester is over...and get your rest where you can. Forget your house cleaning...only do what's neccessary and try to forget the little things. I know it's hard to stress all the time, but let the messy stuff go...who cares, and eventually, your house will get clean again, just not now. Cook in the crockpot when you can, that'll save time in the kitchen and at the stove. YOu can get tons of recipes online.

Next semester, take 2 or 3 classes instead of 5 if you can. Or...take an easy course that isn't worth that many credits...2 or 3, which shouldnt require that much studying. You need your time, but you won't ever get much of your own with a special needs child. And, your son needs you, and you don't want to feel like your losing yourself as a mom either. It might make you feel better if you have time to take care of your son a little more, and...perhaps that will encourage you to keep up your hard work. Don't give up. You just need a break. Maybe when your son is at daycare one day, skip class and take a day to be at home and sit around and watch tv, do the dishes and catch up on a few things and get some time alone.

Is there anyone you know that could come help with the housework...mom, friend, neighbor...even if you have to pay a neighbor kid 5 bucks to clean your toilets and wash your dishes...it might be worth it. 12 yr olds are great at this stuff and it's amazing what they'll do for a little money, since they can't get real jobs yet. (They could even come over when you're there in the evening, just to give you time to study or whatever.)

Hang in there ok. I feel for ya and I wish I could take some stress away for ya.

Hang in there girl, I have a ton of help and still have days where I don't feel like a very good mom ie wanting to spend as little time away form him as possible! I will keep you "K. H" in my prayers and if there is anything you need to talk about just let me know.

Normal, normal, and TOTally reasonable. Has anyone mentioned the Crisis Nursery? Here's their website: http://www.crisisnursery.org/ If grandparents, uncles, aunts can't give you a few days rest, these guys can--and they know how to care for and comfort even children with special needs. I am chronically ill, was a single parent for about 5 years, cannot recommend them highly enough.

K.,
hey just wanted to ask you if there are services that you have checked into ?
I live in Iowa and I am not sure where you are from .... but I am a nurse for special needs children, and the company I work for has offices in other states as well. Depending on the needs of the child .. we do home nursing cares, therapy runs and even therapy in the homes. The services that are offered are different for every family. Please let me know if I can be of any more help to you
N. :)
PS. I will be praying for you :)

First, drop one or more of those classes if you still can!If you can't drop a class or two, you may be able to take an "incomplete" and finish it later. Talk to your instructors and/or advisor. You can't take care of your son if you aren't taking care of yourself. You come first, then him, classes last. This doesn't mean that you won't finish school! You just have to be more realistic about your time frame. You say you have no family to help you out so lean on a friend for some support. You don't say how old your son is or what his special needs are but perhaps your daycare provider could help you get some support that you need. It worries me that you say he "is always bugging me." If he doesn't see you all day he is just asking for the attention he needs from his mother. If you don't get this under control you will begin to resent your son even more.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
At 23, I was a single mom and thought all I needed to be happy was a great paying job(hence the need to be a college grad.)
After 1 and 1/2 grueling years I finally broke down in class. That's when I was told by a professor that school will always be there but my kids won't!!!!! I dropped down to a much lighter load and sure enough, I made better grades and had more time and energy to be the mom I wanted to be. My problem had been that I was making our life very stressful and unhealthy by stretching myslf too far and I was resenting my children for whom I was doing it for in the 1st place. I didn't think I would be a good mom unless I was able to give them more material things than I had growing up.
To tell you the truth, I never did graduate but that didn't stop me from living a very happy life and getting some great jobs in the process. I've never remarried and I've raised 3 daughters, now 27,25 and 23. All high school graduates, living sucessful independant lives, single and no grandchildren yet. I consider them my greatest accomplishment!
I was recently a hotel manager until I watched a friend earn more than me by running a daycare! Now I run a daycare and look forward to each day. Can't wait until this summer. We'll be at the beach everyday!
I hope my story will help you rethink your priorities. And also remember you're not doing it alone, God gave you the gift of a child and is always there to help as long as you try to do his will and not yours. My hard days are when I struggle to get make things to happen the way I want. I find that when I surrender my will and try to do what I think is God's will, life gets so much easier and enjoyable.

God Bless you and your son.

K. Dear,
I am old enough to be your mom, in fact I myself have a duaghter in college. Take a deep breath, then exhale. You need a grandma type to help you out. Do you have anyone around that could give you a hand? It's easy to get down on yourself, but you are doing a LOT. Don't put yourself down for not having everything perfect. Take one household chore at a time and do what you can. The calmer you are, the happier your little one will be. I know it is very hard to step back and take another deep breath, but you need to. Your son picked you as his mom and there must be a reason for that. You are young and probably have a lot more energy than many people. Please look at him as a blessing. Also, please get yourself some good organic food. It will help you and your son. It's just a matter of putting all the things you have to do into managable time segments. The time he has in therapy isn't really that much, but if you view it as wasted, then it will be. Get help for a break from him once or twice a week and hang inn there! You are doing a wonderful thing to have kept him and you don't even know the gifts he will give you with his life. As a mom, I want to give you a big hug. If you were my daughter I would be very proud od you. You should be proud of yourself too!

I write because I am a college professor who has met more than a few women like you--mothers who are very smart, very dedicated, dealing with enormous commitments, and burnt out.

Let me first of all tell you that there is just no way that you are anything like a "blob." I've met people with that quality and nothing you say makes me think that's your problem.

What you do need is to get some help, before the semester gets away from you. Almost every campus has a special office for student-parents--these can be very helpful. If "respite care" is available in your area, that is a real blessing. The quickest route to finding out about respite care is by calling a parent crisis hotline. I'm not saying that because you are having a crisis, but because they know who to call in your area. Also, and I can't stress this enough, contact your professors. Explain your situation. Tell them that you are working to improve your performance and ask them about the parts of the class you are finding difficult. They will certainly be able to help you with the classes and might also know about useful resources on your campus.

Finally, you need to know that there is nothing remotely wrong with feeling torn between school and your son. I have two young kids and I feel torn too. Being torn just means you are trying to do the right thing by having a life in the world. If you are making sure that your son is cared for (and you are doing that by taking him to his appointments, leaving him in a good day care, and paying a moderate amount of attention to him at home) then your son is going to be just fine. And, when you are done with school and he is enjoying his own school, this difficult period will be just one blip on a much happier and more peaceful life.

There will be people who tell you that college is not worth it. I am here to tell you they are wrong. College can get you a better job, and it almost always makes you a more thoughtful and better equipped human being in the end. More importantly, it seems to be something you really, really, want. You deserve all of that and seem to be a determined enough person to make it happen.

Good luck to you. I'll be thinking of you.

First of all K., I applaud you for doing all that you are doing. It is difficult being a single parent and more important very difficult having a special needs child. Have you concidered looking into a support group foe parents with special needs like you are dealing with. Often it is of great help to talk to others that are parents dealing with special needs such as you are dealing with. Also are there any parenting groups in your area that you can meet and get things off of your chest. I know that you are super busy dealing with colege, but remember that you are going to college to better yourself and your son. This will all work out for you if you take the time to allow yourself to let it work, take the time to be yourself and relax. Spend time with your Son and enjoy your Son for who He is, He is a special little boy who needs you and depends on you. I am sure that you will be fine, just take the time to remember that you are a strong independent woman and you will instill these qualities into your Son, as He will see what a good Mommy He has, and you will have a good relationship with your Special little boy.
Take care and God Bless you and your Son,
Dorothy
P.S. Feel fre to email me if you want to chat at ____@____.com, I am always willing to listen and lend an ear to you.

I am not sure how a person goes about it, but I have heard of something called "respite care" where a parent/parents can get help from someone qualified to be with a child with special needs from time to time that gives parents a chance for a break - before THEY break. I'm not sure if this is offered through county assistance or just where you could go - but as a parent with a child that has only mild special needs, I know there are days where I just need a break. I have been fortunate enough to have a spouse to help and some family members willing to give a break when it is needed, but as a school teacher, I know some of the parents in our school system have worked with it and it has definitely saved some sanity. Maybe it will be something worth looking in to...where your son is already receiving services at his dr appointments - maybe they would have some contact information for you.
Good luck.

First of all, I do not have a special needs child so I won't even pretend I know what that is like, however, I was a single mom at 19, lived on my own and put myself through college while working part time. I also have worked for 7 years now with disabled adults and babysit my friend's handicapped nephew. He has Delang syndrome and is very hard to handle. What handicap does your son have? Anyway - Being 19 (0r 20) and a single mother is the hardest thing you will ever do. At times it will feel like you want to give up and quit but am too tired to do that too! I would childproof my house as much as possible and try to take a nap when I could. I would plop her in a highchair in the kitchen while I did dishes. I would let her do something I normally wouldn't so that I could watch a movie or vacuum. Most of my cleaning and studying took place after she went to bed. I know it's hard to see other people's houses so neat and organized and yours isn't. Try taking one room at a time. Mondays do the bathroom, Tuesday the kitchen, etc. It will feel like you're working in circles but if you keep up with it, it really helps. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help if you have relatives or friends that have offered to watch him for an hour or two. And don't feel horrible for leaving him at daycare for extra time. I had to do that some too to get sane. The drive from my house to college was 30 minutes and I would crank up the radio and lose myself in the music. That was the greatest combined hour of my day. You can't feel guilty for doing that because you need time for yourself too. Maybe you could take him to the park and he could play while you study??? I wish I had better advice for you but bluntly: It sucks, it does get better, so be strong and take one day at a time!! Let me know how it goes!

Both the University of MN and the College of St. Catherine have licensed social workers staffed in programs specifically for students who are parents. Perhaps a good resource? What you are experiencing is very normal and your courage to reach out for help should certainly be recognized. Self-care is very important....you can't give your child what he or she needs if you are taking care of yourself first. Secondly, be gentle to yourself. B's get degrees. This is a short-term sacrafice with long-term positive implications for both you and your child.

I don't really know what to tell you to do. I lost a special needs child at 4 months of age. Maybe you need to decide what is most important in your life. Your son is only going to be young for a little while, do you want to enjoy him, how important is getting your schooling complete? Is it possible to take fewer classes,so you don't stress yourself out as much. I guess I would decide what is most important to me and go from there.

Hi,
I agree with a lot of the others here, you need a break and some help/time for yourself. You didn't indicate what sort of disability your child has. If is is a developmental disability, there may be some options for you. Contact your social services department at your county and if your child hasn't already, have him screened for services. There are several programs (although most with waiting lists) that may be able to provide assistance. It gets really technical, but there are waivers for various disabilities that give parents a set amount of money annually to plan for their child, it can be used for things like respite services (someone to care for your child for a day, weekend etc), in home services (someone to come into your home and help clean, work with the child) or therapeutic services. If he has developmental disabilities, ask about the MR/RC waiver and an option called CDS. Sometimes severe autism is counted,and there are other funding sources for disabilities due to medical problems. Good luck and accept help where you can!

Ok K.,
I have some questions.
1) where do you live?
2) What special needs does your son have?
3) Does his daycare ofer any services for special ed kids?
4) do you have a worker through the county?
5) Have you ever had your son assessed for PCA services? This could help a TON.
I have a VERY similar story and would love to help you. Please write back.
S.

Oh K., you are being so hard on yourself. My son has Down syndrome so I know how draining all of the running to therapy and doctors can be. We all feel this way sometimes and beat ourselves up over it. You have a lot on your plate! I know it is hard, but you need to take a step back from it all and look at what you are doing to give yourself and your son a good life, getting an education, taking him to those therapy visits. Can you find a therapy clinic that allows you to leave during his therapy? My son goes for 2 hours at a time, which allows me to go to the local gym for an hour (even if it is only for a long, hot shower). Or go to the local coffee shop and bring your homework. If at all possible, try to arrange with a friend or family, a day or weekend away. We all need some "alone" time to recharge. I remember one day, I just felt I couldn't take it anymore (I was trying to get Joe off a bottle and become more self sufficient with meals). I called my husband at work crying and asked him to come home. I went to Target to get some errands done and as I was leaving the store, I noticed a mom in the cafe with her child in a wheelchair, tube feeding her son. I thought, "what am I so upset about"? Here I am worried about a bottle, and not seeing all of the other wonderful things he is doing. Lightbulb moment! The next day, I read an email from a friend who is dealing with chemotherapy for her son who was diagnosed with Leukemia. To this day, I still think about that if I'm having a bad day. I know it is hard when you are in the moment, but try to look at the good things. I wouldn't trade Joe for the world (and I know you wouldn't either). Sometimes, we have to get ruthless with our schedules and really try to focus on cutting out some of the waste. Just remember, doing something for you, is not one of those items.

Good luck to you! This site is a wonderful way to reach out for a shoulder and advice. Sometimes, even that is all we need to get through the tough times and you'll reflect back some time from now and wonder what the big deal is. In the meantime, look for any avenue that can help - state aid, a para, even a babysitter for a couple of hours.

K.

It sounds like you might have fallen into a mild depression. It happens to everyone, so don't take it as a negative. Dont be to o proud to ask for help, everyone needs it from time to time. Even if it is as simple as having a friend/family member come over to clean you house once a week. It's amazing how a clean/tidy place can make you feel. Another idea you could try is to have a weekend were someone can help watch your son while you prepare a weeks worth of pre-made meals that you can freeze, so that when you are really tired from all the work you have, your meal is as easy as a microwave away, yet healthy. If that seems to be too much, try investing in a slow-cooker, I have found that to be a life saver at times and I'm a stay at home mom.

One question that I have about your son's therapy. It is a hands on therapy were you have to be involved the whole time or is it possible for you to take some of that time to work on some of your homework?

Things have a way of working them selves out, just hang in there, and remember to not let your pride get in the way of asking for help. Best of luck to you.

I hate to be nosey, but what special needs does your son have? Of course, depending on what that is will help hopefully with helping you getting some help. Have you tried to apply for disability/SSI for him? Why won't your family help, if I can again be so nosey. What about his father, is he not in the picture is that why he isn't helping you out? What about friends helping you out? Can you find someone o take your son for a weekend or something so you can get some "sanity time"? I am so sorry you are going through this time. I am sorry for asking so many questions, but like I said, that way we can help you get the assistance you need, hopefully.

D.

I can't begin to imagine what the demand must be like to have a special needs child. I have healthy kids and they are so much work!

Im not a specialist by any means but it really sounds to me like you are starting to suffer from depression (and honestly, how could you not?). The only advice I can offer is to swollow your pride and ask for help. The other responses had some great ideas as far as where to start looking. What is your alternative? To keep getting more frustrated and burnt out? Sometimes asking for help is that hardest thing to do but it is also the biggest act of love that you can do for both your son and yourself. He doesn't have the mom he needs and you aren't the person you want to be.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's amazing that you are still taking on college while being a single mom (even if you're not making A's or keeping a spotless house.)
Hang in there.

I know I am stating the obvious and that its annoying to hear it- but you MUST take care of yourself!!! You are under tremendous stress and this is causing the lack of desire to care for your son- of course you don't want to- you are exhausted. But if you don't do something to take care of yourself, you will both continue to suffer. And if you are anything like me, the guilt of not caring for him the way you want to, adds to the stress and increases the anger. I know you are in school and time is limited, but I highly recommend finding a hour a week to see a therapist. It helps SO much and when you take care of yourself- you will be able to take care of your son. Good luck!

I agree with some of the other posts. You are doing the best you can and it sounds like it is time to ask for help. I am also a single mom and am working full-time right now. I know that being a full-time student is different because you also have work to do after you are done with classes. I want to echo that especially in light of that, you need to ask for help. Although it has been hard for me to ask, it has been extremely beneficial. I am happier. I feel like I am taking care of myself (which I realize needs to be done first before I can be a good mom). I am more attentive to my son.

I don't know if you have friends that you could ask. If not, there might be other parents (possibly even single parents) you could trade time babysitting--if money is an issue.

I would also suggest taking less classes. I am guessing that you are taking a higher number of credits to graduate on time. I am also guessing that you want to be a full-time student so that you can get the full financial aid (or possibly for scholarships). You could still take 4 classes instead of 5. If drop/add hasn't passed, you could do that for this semester. I work at at college so I am familiar with the procedure. If you would like advice about this, please feel free to get in touch with me privately.

I don't know if you are getting the chance to interact with the people in your class or if you have time to hang out with friends, but you might want to make that a priority. Talk with people you think are interesting in class. Ask if they would like to study together. Interaction with others, not about my son, have helped with my sanity.

The one other thing that I would suggest is since you are a full-time student, you can go to the Counseling Center for free. It would be good to talk to someone about your difficulties. They can help you strategize how to balance all you have in your life.

Best of luck and know that you are not alone.

K. - My younger sister was in your situation recently and was extremely buring herself out. She is a young single mother of a 2 year old boy, went to college FT and worked FT. She felt like daycare was raising her son and felt guilty not giving her son the care she would like to give him (reading, activities, etc). Finally, one day she swallowed her pride and asked for help. I know you mentioned you do not want help, but asking for help is an option to alleviate some of the load. My sister is still working FT, but has decided to only take college on PT. College will always be there, but she decided that seeing her son grow up is more important to her at this time. Good luck and I wish you and your son the best.

First of all you need to take care of yourself, before you can take care of anybody else. If your son has special needs have youlooked into getting him a PCA (personal Care Assistant) just call public health and have them do an assessment on him. You need to get some help girl nobody can do it alone! Check into local organizations for help.
Good Luck
J.

I also am a single mom to a 2year old with special needs, i have been where you are right now and this is what i did...If you don't already have a birth-3 developmental disability social worker, then contact your county human services dept and get one asap. From there you'll want to get either the consumer support grant or parent pay respite care. Pick the one that will give you the most hours to hire a PCA, then look on Craig's list for a pca or you can use a friend or family member. The state will pay for your pca which is exactly what you need to have time to yourself whenever you want it. I know i have a hard time too because my child seems so needy right now and it's hard to get anything done around here but i do get a break on the weekends which helps me have time to myself and to get everything i need done. Lord knows it's not easy with a special needs child but i will tell you that you and i were hand picked to have these special kids and i am grateful every single day that i have him in my life because not everyone gets the chance to have their lives touched by these children! Hang in there...you CAN do this!

Oh K., I feel for you. You sound so stressed out. I think mostly what you need is a break. Do you have any family you can call on to help? Or, what about a neighbor girl to come and just play with your son while you clean or just take a break? I do that once a week and my girls love it! I even have a very mature 9 year old come over and she loves just playing with them. I'm here cleaning and doing office work, so the age is not an issue. Please see if something like that is available for you. You sound like you have a lot on your plate and I commend you for all that you are doing! Take a deep breath and look to your future. Please call on family or a friend to just come and play with your son so you can do your stuff. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Please take care of yourself as well. You will do no one any good if you become ill. All your troubles will get even larger if that happens. You are not a worthless blob, hold your head up high! I think all of us on this site are pulling for you!