I am going through an extremely rough time. It's such a long story, but I will try to summarize it.
I deal with severe depression. I have for quite some time. I began taking anti-depressants when my parents passed away and I was dealing with my divorce.
I'm going through a very rough time again. I lost my job in May of 2007. My boss was having financial problems and could not afford me anymore. This happened three weeks before I closed on my house. So I am not working. VERY VERY TOUGH to deal with.
My other problem is that I am having a rough time with my 13-year old son. My ex-husband and I work very well together for the kids. We get along and talk a lot. However, my son WORSHIPS his father. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in turn he seems to literally HATE me.
My son was totally disrespectful to me the entire weekend. Yesterday after church I came outside and was visiting with some of my friends, and he came up to me and was talking to me so horribly I was embarrassed. A friend of mine even said to him, "[MY SON], settle down, don't talk to your mother like that." He was hitting his sister and threw her on the ground right in front of church. Yesterday all four of us (me, the kids and my fiance) went to Old Country Buffet for lunch after church. My son was horrible to me. He even said at one point, "I'm going to live with daddy -- forever." This morning on the way to school he told me that I don't do a good job picking out clothes. I just bought he and my daughter a lot of clothes from Kohl's. Me and my fiance decided to take the kids shopping last Wednesday. My son chose NOT to go. I asked him if he wanted me to pick out his new clothes and he said yes, you know what I like. Then, this morning all he did was complain about the ugly clothes I picked out; that I don't do a good job picking them out. I told my daughter this morning that we were going to go to Burlington Coat Factory soon to get her winter stuff. I told my son I was getting my daugther's winter things and my ex would get his. He said that was good because I would not do a good job. He picks on my cooking. He said I don't make real dinners. Okay, last week we had chicken enchiladas, stir fry, spaghetti, escalloped potatoes and ham. I think those are real dinners.
I just cannot take this anymore. I can't. I do not know what else to do with that child. Maybe I'm just a bad parent. My fiance absolutely loves my children and they love him in return. But, my fiance said that I let the kids get away with too much. He said I wait on them too much. He said I excuse their bad behavior too much. He wants to say things a lot, but he said he does not know what to do because he is not their stepparent yet and he does not want to overstep his bounds. I told him I was not sure about what he should do either -- that I had to read about stepparenting and what to do.
Another problem is that the kids do not do their chores. They sit around and watch tv, play on the computer, play video games. Thomas picks on his sister profusely. And it's ALL THE TIME. On the way to lunch yesterday he hurt her feelings so much she cried. He said he had the worst sister in the world. She just adores him and he treats her just like he treats me. He tells me ALL THE TIME how she gets away with everything. That she never gets in trouble, but he always does.
He's my little boy. The light of my life. I love him so much it's unbelievable. But I'm not sure what to do anymore. It literally seems like he hates me. He worships the ground my ex walks on.
I cannot sleep. I cry all the time. I am losing it. The job thing is not helping, but this parenting issue is tough for me.
How do I get respect from my son?
How do I get my kids to listen to me without having to say things 20 times?
How do I get them to do their chores?
How do I get my son to stop bullying his sister?
Thank you for listening.
Hi K., your son is just pushing your buttons and it sounds like he knows just what buttons to push!! Part of it is age, part of it is testing you. Try not to take it personally and DO NOT give in to him, stay consistant. That is what he needs right now. There is a really good book you can get called Love and Logic. It think it could really help you......best wishes, hang in there, C.
Hi K.,
Long answer ahead ...
In no particular order:
1. Is your fiance living in the house with you? If so, he has just as much right as anyone to expect the kids to behave in his house. It is not question of the marriage license being signed or not - he is an adult.
2. I'm sure you already know, you cannot make your son respect you by just telling him to do so. Make hard and fast rules and stick to them. It sounds to me like he is acting up because he needs direction and discipline; but he is running the show. That must be scary for him too. You don't have to be "mean" to him, just let him know that you are the parent and it's your house and he has to abide by the rules ... or else.
3. Are your children aware of your issues with depression? I don't think that they are old enough to appreciate what you are going through and your 13 year old may see this as a sign of weakness.
4. You mentioned -- twice -- that your son worships his dad. It seems to bother you quite a bit. Have you talked to your ex about this? If you two are truly working together with the kids then he needs to start demanding good behavior and respect towards you as well.
Are you the parent that the kids live with all the time? My parents were divorced and I lived with my mother so my dad seemed like the ultimate fun guy. He didn't see us very often so he made sure we had a good time. Mom had to enforce the rules and I know we would be bad to her when we first came back from a visit with dad. It must be rough but now that I am older I totally understand and respect what she did for us kids.
5. Most kids tune their parents out when they are saying something that they don't want to hear so you'll need to repeat yourself often. Don't give up! As annoying as it is you have to keep on them. Punishment is a great deterrent as well. Tell your son that he has to take out the garbage -- repeat that until you are sure he has heard you. Also tell him what the consequences are if it is not done before he goes to bed (or whatever the time frame is). For instance, after the 5th time you finally got his attention. Son, if you don't take the garbage out before bed-time tonight you will forfeit your video games for the rest of the week. Then, walk away. No reminders for him. He probably won't do it the first time because he's not used to you following through so it is extremely important that you do not back down. Take his games away for the whole time that you said you would. Don't give him a punishment that you can't stick to. Sooner or later, he'll start paying attention.
6. Chores are basically the same thing but I would recommend a chart. Put your son's chores and your daughter's chores on a board and keep track of them throughout the week. Do they get an allowance? They shouldn't get one unless all of the chores are done that week. Alternate responsibilities too so that one doesn't think you are favoring the other.
7. Your son is bullying his sister for at least two reasons: a) she is younger and has less chance to defend herself and, b) he feels that she is the recipient of more affections then he is and this is his way of getting some attention too. When he does this to her, don't run to your daughter and hug her and yell at your son for knowing better. Instead, separate them immediately. Let each of them cool down before addressing the problem. Then get all 3 of you together in the room to discuss why it happened. Talk to your son first. Tell him that you love him but explain why he cannot continue to hit his sister - or whatever. Ask him why he wants to hurt her. Tell him how it is effecting the entire family. Then ask your daughter to tell him why she doesn't like it. That should open the door to more communication.
8. If you stick to your guns, your problem should subside (remember, he's still a teenager so you will have disputes with him for the next 7 or 8 years!). However, as a last resort, ask your ex to take your son for 6 months or so. It will hurt but if you've exhausted every other avenue (like I mentioned above and, of course, your own ideas too) then maybe you sit your son down with your ex and say, "Son, your dad and I agreed that you should spend some time with him. It seems that you would like to do that anyway and we cannot continue to have disruptions in the house. This is a temporary situation and I am looking forward to having you back with us full-time but for now we all just need a break." Making your ex share in the discipline on a more full time basis may help your son to realize that no one walks on water.
Good luck and let me know how you're doing.
K.
Do your best to be as strict as possible right now while he's still young enough. Even though it may make you less admired than his dad. Otherwise he'll walk all over you for the next 6 years or longer. If you lay down the rules, he will respect you. Remember, when it comes to teens, it is more important to be respected by your children than to be "worshiped". He'll realize how much he loves you when he finally grows out of it.
K.,
When I read your request the first thing that came to my mind is similar to what another poster Carolyn said. Love and Logic is a type of parenting style. I have not read any books on it, but I did take a class on it. At the time the class was mandatory for my boyfriend (now husband) and his ex to take to learn how to better deal with parenting issues, especially between the two homes. I took it with my husband knowing that I would someday be his daughter's stepmother, so I wanted to learn some parenting techniques as well. But regardless of whether or not the child is in a split family, I think the class is EXCELLENT and the techniques are wonderful for any parent to use on any age child.
If you are interested in taking a class you might get some direction by contacting Parent's Place in Waukesha. They help do a lot of set up of classes for parenting. We took our class through a man named Les Prausa who is a therapist but also a licensed Love and Logic teacher.
If you aren't in to classes then I would imagine the book that Carolyn suggested would have the same techniques and concepts. But if you have the time I would strongly suggest the class because you take it with other parents and you learn new ideas and techniques from each other as well. If you are interested and can't find a class, feel free to email me and I will try to help you find out some more information. (it has been about 3 years since I took the class). Good luck! I hope things work out for you!
