Hypothetical Question - Birdsboro,PA

Probably not. I think it's okay to occasionally work really hard at something and fail anyway. It's just life. I mean, if it causes that much stress then the kid's in the wrong program. And that's okay, too. Lesson learned.

:)

No. As a teacher and a mom. What will happen when they are out in the real world and they have an important meeting/presentation/etc at work and they are unprepared? Will they just call in then? No. It sets them up with a very slippery slope that is easy to have become a crutch.

I have to go to work no matter what and face whatever consequences come. My children will go to work no matter what and face whatever consequences come. That's life and a lesson best learned sooner rather than later. Also based on my own personal experiences in college I learned more from hard low grades than I ever did soft high grades. You aren't always rewarded for how hard you work. Again that's life. Learning how to handle stress is an important skill.

No, I wouldn't keep our son home.
It's up to him to GET prepared and BE prepared.
If he has trouble with a subject then he needs to speak up about it early enough to get the help he needs BEFORE the test comes up.
It's best if they learn this in elementary or middle school.
It's not too late to learn it in high school.
But learning it in college - failing something when you're paying for it - is the absolute worst - and you'd be surprised how many do just that.

At some point a parent needs to stop being the safety net.
The kid will grow by making mistakes and learning not to make those same mistakes again.
That's life.

I actually did this for my oldest though it wasn't about bringing grades up, just worked so hard, actually knew the material, just fried his brain so I knew he would fail in that condition.

By the way, I told the teacher what was going on and she agreed. Turned out after looking at the rest of the class she put the test off until the next Monday. He went to a private school where you had the same teacher for nearly all subjects so she should have realized how she scheduled it.

Oh, he wasn't crying either. Just kind of looks stoned and wobbly. I have seen parents keep kids home in better condition.
_______________
Finally got a chance to look at the other answers and the comments about work piqued my interest. I wonder what jobs you have that you can work when your brain is trashed. I am having to work 10 to 12 hour days, at least until Thanksgiving. The precise moment I go home is when my brain is no longer properly functioning due to overload. If I continue I will create more work, more problems than if I just go home. So why is a child's brain different. Not an excuse but I think it is a good thing to have a handle on knowing when you cannot perform. God knows my employer appreciates it. My job is 100% mental, my body is just an interface.

I wouldn't allow my child to stay home.

I remember a high school teacher I had who wouldn't let you take a missed test unless it was a rearranged absence (and you had to take the test before the absence) or you had a doctor note when you returned. He didn't think it was fair for anyone to have an extra study day. As a teacher, I agree.

Helicopter parents teaching privilege.

No, I wouldn't. This is the commitment of taking honors classes. When a 7th grader is taking 9th grade or above classes, the workload and stress level of HS are taken on by a child who is likely not emotionally mature enough to handle that stress level. My kids went to school, took their tests and got the grades they earned. They learned when they needed to forgo activities in order to put in the work needed on heavy test/project weeks.
I never did "mental health" days for kids. There are 180 school days per year. My kids were/are in school less than half the days of the year, they don't need time off or to escape from the responsibility of their work.
In college, where my oldest is a sophomore, you may need to be prepared for an take tests in Organic Chem, Statistics and Physics in the same week (as my kiddult has done this semester). When we grow up and go to work, we don't get to call in sick because we are not prepared to meet a deadline on a project.
This is just my own opinion and I realize that other people can make what choices they want for their children.

After sending kiddo off to take the test, I would seriously question our decision to let our 7th grader take a HS class. And then after the dust settled, we'd have some lessons in time management and study skills. Sometimes even the smartest 7th graders haven't learned those yet.

Keeping your kid home to give them an extra day of study time is cheating. No.

ooooo, such a tough one. and being this far past the crying-in-school phase, it's possible that i'd feel differently if this were my kid now.
and as a homeschooler my perspective is different from most yet again.
putting all that aside, i think i'd send 'em. it may sound harsh, but THIS is our kids' jobs, and to have them duck it just because it's hard or stressful does not fulfill our Prime Directive, which is to raise competent, confident adults. and doing that requires that kids sometimes face failure, and learn how to deal with it.
it's true that we all (well usually) know our kids best, and i can only imagine the pain of knowing that you have a hard-working dedicated young 'un who has truly devoted himself to study and effort, but for whatever reason is likely to bomb this, and have the consequences follow.
but, from the safety of age and perspective, how is that not life? naturally we don't expect middle-schoolers to confront completely adult scenarios, but this is precisely the sort of thing that gets them ready for it.
i've been LIVID at some of the ridiculousness my kids have encountered in college. and furious with the outrageous demands their bosses have put on them at times, often while they've been struggling with super-tough college exams upon them. but mamabear can't march into the university offices, nor shake her finger under their employers' noses.
in this situation, i would do all i could to help my child prepare, and then be prepared to support, encourage and move them along if indeed he crashed and burned in this situation. it might also help to discuss with the school how to help him recover, and to get that grade back up again. they usually do have methods.
but i think that keeping him home is ultimately dishonest, and demonstrates lack of faith in one's child's ability to cope. i think both are damaging messages, no matter how hard the situation.
khairete
S.

It was my kid's job to get herself prepared for tests. If she didn't, then she had to take the consequences. If that meant flunking the test, then so be it.

Sounding like a mean mom here, but I would still send them to school.

Think about it: if you don't send them to school when they are healthy and well, what you are saying (implied anyway) is "I believe you can't do this and I believe you need saving". Way to undercut any confidence (even that teensiest spark) they might have.

When we protect our kids from the natural consequences of the world, we do them a huge disservice. Not only do we keep them from learning from failures (because that's the purpose of failure, to learn from it and change some element of our situation) and we teach them that they cannot manage their own lives-- mommy and daddy have to do it for them. Personally, as upset as my kid might be in that situation, that's not the message I want to send to my own kid. I'd far rather they learn the hard lesson in seventh grade instead of high school or college or later down the line.

I'm going to add, too, that I think there is a fundamental difference between being exhausted and in no condition to be at school, period, as opposed to unprepared. Maybe its just semantics, but I think there's a difference between 'physically unable' and 'emotionally and intellectually unprepared'.
Some of these lines can be fuzzy...

V.,

if there is no chance for make-up exams? I would send my kid. As much as I want to protect my kid and make sure they do the best they can?? No. Send to school. I only keep 'em home if I KNOW they are sick.

If your 12 year old is crying over a test? They have other issues, in my opinion, that need to be discussed.

I would ask why the teacher is giving a test with just 2 weeks in the unit.

I tell people and my kids - lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

People are overloading their kids with activities...sports...theater...languages...the list goes on and on....and they aren't given time to study or just be kids....

Sorry...stepping down off my soapbox...

I wouldn't. It's the equivalent of cheating. I'm sure there are other students in the same boat...why is it fair for this child fakes illness to gain an extra day of study time? It's one test, not the end of the world. It's not going to keep the kid out of college 5 years later, really, if she or he doesn't do well. Go to school, take the test, and plan/prepare better next time. A rescue move like letting the kid stay home doesn't teach him or her to change.

It really depends upon the situation. A lot of factors can come into play. However, in your post one thing stuck out to me: "...struggled to bring up grades..."

If they had been working consistently through the entire duration of the class, studying and so forth, they wouldn't need to bring up a poor grade. It goes to show that they were either out of their depth, or not putting forth full effort in the first place. A test ought not be the difference between a pass/fail if they put forth good effort over the entire course.

For that reason, I'd send the kid to school. And if they failed, it would be an earned grade. Real life consequences. Sometimes, when we're lazy procrastinators and don't put forth a real effort until the last minute deadline, we can't be surprised or upset that the results of that last minute effort are less than stellar. We can't teach our kids that they can just not show up when they've screwed up.

Absolutely not. Seems like you'd be setting your kid up to fail miserably in the real world. What - didn't finish your deadline for work and you have a meeting with your boss - call in sick. Jury duty notice - just don't show up. We have to make our kids accountable. They have to learn that not everyone gets an A or a trophy or the best job or the fancy car.

I don't think would allow my daughter to skip. Her " job" is to be prepared for her classes. Our mantra has always been be prepared.

She's currently in her 2nd yr of college.

Helicopter parents don't know they are helicopter parents. They step in to protect their child from life lessons when they should back away.

I believe that as a parent you give your child the tools they need and let them learn the lessons in life. No I wouldn't have kept a child home to protect him/her from a test. What would be the conversation in 12th grade? "Oh if it hadn't been for that failed test in 7th grade I'd be going to Yale in the fall."

No way. Hiding at home to avoid a test doesn't solve anything.

If the class is really too hard and over the kid's head, transferring out of the class would be the best course of action. The class can be retaken later, in high school, and will be overwritten in the transcript.

If it isn't really the class as a whole, but just this test issue and a bad week, then I'd have the kid look into the re-take policy.

I would say that if my child were in that situation to begin with, I'd question the educational model I'd chosen for them. The child is stressed out, struggling, studying as hard as they can, crying about it, and will fail anyway? As a parent, you need to intervene and re-assess at that point. Something isn't right there! Learning should be a joyful experience. If it's not, find out why, and course-correct.

That being said, I guess my answer is that since we homeschool, if my child wasn't ready for a test, didn't understand the material, and was crying about it, we would use that time to take a step back and repeat the material (and find a better way to explain it so the child can master the material). As Plutarch said, "The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled." It's a shame that this child's educators have forgotten that.

No. Part of being a parent is guiding the child to just do THEIR best. If they studied and really tried, they will receive the grade they honestly earned. It may not be the best grade, it could be a failing grade, but give them credit for trying and for being able to at least attempt the test.

We need to allow our children to pass or fail based on their true work.
We encourage then to show up and try. We praise them for facing their fears and plugging through.

If a child is struggling in a subject, we can work harder, approach the studying in a different manner, or maybe realize this is just not going to be a subject they may never really be able to succeed or exceed at. This is where working with the teacher, or finding a tutor is a good idea.

A child with this much anxiety needs to told as long as they are trying and feel like they did their best? They are doing just fine. This is not the end of the world. Give them examples of great people that were not always great in school.

I'm in the minority...yes I would and yes I have. My daughter is an honor role student that is actively involved in her high school theatre program. The week before a show, her schedule is absolutely crazy. In addition, to going to classes everyday the kids are putting in and additional 40 hours of practice including weekends.

I don't consider it cheating and I have never lied and said she was sick. I called her out of school due to pure exhaustion. If my daughter wasn't such a hard worker and was simply slacking off I would make her face the consequenses of not being prepared by making her go to school and take the test.

Unless my child was sick, I would send the kid to school, do the best they can, and move on. If the child is taking advanced classes, this will just get harder and no (few) HS or college prof polls their coworkers to make sure kids aren't slammed. Exam time? Mid-terms? It's par for the course for HS level work. I would sympathize, but soldier on. I failed Latin in college. It kept me from graduating with honors. But it didn't ruin my life.

What I would do, as someone who raised 2 kids through AP classes, is to sit down with the kid, the teacher, and possibly the guidance office person assigned to this child, and determine if the level of coursework is something the child can maintain or not. My SS took a lot of AP classes, sometimes maxing out what the school would allow (3 at a time). We told him that if he could not maintain his grades, get some sleep, be healthy, etc. he could not take more than one AP class at a time. One year, I forget which, his father made him rethink one of his AP and he took another level of the same class. His sister, also very bright, took maybe 3 AP courses over 4 years and that worked really well for her. We were no less proud of her and she was a lot less stressed.

I do craptastic in math. I took Honors and AP for everything else, but struggled mightily in math. If this is not this student's forte, it may be worthwhile to look at other levels, if not this year, then for next. Not every overachiever overachieves in every subject. I did well in Chemistry, but poorly in Algebra. Go figure.

I distanced myself from my kids and 'their' work back when they were in elementary school.

My role has been, for MANY years, a support for them, and their work.

I do not take credit for their good work...and I have helped them take responsibility for less than stellar work.

Funny thing is...even if *I* would allow/keep a kiddo home...by THAT age, my kids would never ask.

Does that make sense?

I would be more concerned about a 12-year-old crying with test anxiety about an unnecessary (above grade level) class than what grade she/he received for the class, especially when you've said she/he had studied for many long hours through the week.

The pressure of the class and extra work seems beyond this student's current capabilities. Hopefully the parent didn't see skipping test day as a final solution to the problem.

I would work something out with my kids such as them going in late or leaving early so they still attend other classes. I am a big believer that sometimes kids need to take a day off for mental health not just physical health though and if my kid came to me and said "Mama this has been a very stressful week and I really think it would be beneficial to me to miss a day." I would probably let them.

I would. My parents did this for me as a kid. I did not grow up into a morally deficient human being. No one's killing kittens at my house or cheating on our taxes. It's a high school class. I don't read a lot of future moral ground into it.

I doubt I would keep the kid home.

A high school kid, no way, gotta face the consequences. I am having a bit of trouble with the age of the child.

My youngest. 7th grade, is in an advanced Algebra class this year. She's an excellent student but math isn't her strong subject and she was on the cusp as to whether or not to take this class. She wanted to push herself and we decided a slightly lower grade in this class compared to the on level class would be just fine. She's doing well and we are proud of her but she does get stressed about it. I talk her down with the idea that this grade really doesn't mean much in the long run, it will "disappear" once she enters HS.

I guess I just feel 12 is too young to be so stressed over school. If the child is responsible, cares that much about their grade and is so very upset I can't say for sure what I'd do. I just might let her stay home if I thought this was a one time thing and she was going to be able to handle the rest of the year.

The idea that it's her job seems just fine for a 15 year old but in my opinion 12 year olds shouldn't have "jobs" with long term repercussions.
How can people expect the child to suffer the consequences of not being ready when the fact that she's in the class in the first place clearly has a lot to do with Mom & Dad?

School is for kids what work is for adults. As an adult you can't stay home from work just because you feel unprepared for the job. You go to work and do the best you can.

I recently had a job at a big box home improvement store. I was assured at the interview I would be trained ----- UUUMMMMMM nope no training. My first day I was basically thrown to the wolves. There was training on the computer system to look up merchandise but NO product knowledge training at all. I was assigned to the plumbing department. The department manager asked me if I knew anything about plumbing and I answered 'just personal use, I know how to flush a toilet'. Customers came in and expected me to know which repair parts they needed for a faucet or a toilet and in some cases I didn't even know repair parts were available. So I ran around looking stupid until I was able to glean some info. But I couldn't call in because I was unprepared, I had to suck it up and try to learn.
So NO if your child is unprepared for a test too bad ... they fail. It's a huge lesson about life... study ask questions and learn ......... or fail. Try harder next time.

Well, I have 2 kids. One in middle school (8th grade) one in HS (11th grade). I have never, ever, allowed either of my kids to stay home for any reason other than they were actually too sick to be at school.
(*well, after first grade, when we pulled son a day or two for an out of town family wedding in which he was the ring bearer.)

It must be really awful feeling for the mom and the kid. But, there are a lot of lessons that will be learned from it.

So who signed this kid up for the HS credit class in 7th grade? Was that the kid doing it on his/her own, or did the mom/dad push their own agenda on that? Maybe the kid didn't really understand what he/she was signing up FOR when they agreed to it. Maybe they didn't manage their time very well going into this. Maybe this past week, maybe the past 2 weeks, maybe the entire school year so far....
I wonder why a child has been struggling many long hours all week to pull up grades in other classes/subjects, when they are in a HS course (7th grade, right.. that's 2 grades ahead). So how are they so advanced in the one subject (or maybe not so advanced as was thought since they may fail if they did poorly on this one exam) and are struggling so much in all the others??

I think there are some issues here in how this happened in the first place. And, unfortunately, a lot of it looks (to me) like it rests on the parents. They didn't accurately assess their child's ability to manage everything well when they okayed this class schedule.

However, that does not make it ok to keep the kid home. It might not be his "fault" that he/she is struggling. But he had to know he was struggling... right? Kids have to learn how to ask for help and guidance. Sounds like this kid didn't really do that. (and it isn't uncommon to sink and not ask for help in these situations... that's why it's important to learn how to do so.)

So regardless of how he/she ended up in this unprepared state, the bottom line is the kid knew they were unprepared before the night before the test. And what did they do about it? Did they arrange tutoring with the teacher? Did the go to the teacher for extra help? Maybe too late (?)

I feel for the kid, I do. But no, I would not keep my child home.

(And yes, I have one highly motivated 8th grader who loves to prove she can do what everyone thinks she can't, and so far she has not found the limit to how many things she can take on at once.... she's getting close though. She admitted almost as much tonight after piano and karate class.
I monitor her very closely. Not like a helicopter, but more to see how SHE is handling the pressure of all she takes on. When she starts to look worn out, worn down, and is irritable... that sort of thing.
So far, it's worked. )

My 7th grader is taking a high school level geometry class. Though she is capable of grasping much of the material, there has been a lot of stress. It seems just "more" work than she is emotionally ready for at age 12. I wouldn't let her stay home if she wasn't prepared for a test, but I would and often to question the wisdom of pushing kids too far ahead of their grade level.

I would not allow my boys to stay home.

Depends on the kid. Has the child ALWAYS had their work completed and studying done in the past? Does the child try their absolute best and knock themselves out trying to do the right thing? Then I would be accommodating, knowing that they can't keep up the pace and it would cause distress to do so.

However, if it's a slacker kid who is skating by and just wants more time after procrastinating, nope! They are going to class.

I say this after forcing my 3rd grader to go to class when he was not prepared...and he's in the first category, very contentious and wants to do well. On a major test I might make an exception for him though, since I know how unbelievably hard he works.

I'd tell him to do the best he could , and have him take the test. I really have never been one who expects so much from taking tests. As long as they have studied and know as much as they can in the amount of time given to study it, that's all that matters. Parents who put to much pressure on their kids to succeed eventually have kids who burn out and lose their self image. It's ridiculous.

Let child go to school and take the test. When the results come in, discuss this with child. Find out if there are other courses similar that the kid can take.

It might be time to rethink the courses and the levels taken.

But the hardest classes were the ones I really learned something in. When I got that C or B instead of the A I knew it was my best and could live with it. I recently took Algebra after 40 years of no math and took the classes twice. Failed the first and then got B and C. But I learned and now understand many things better with the critical thinking that math gives.

So let the chips fall where they may and send him to school. He will learn that he can or cannot do this much work and learn how to gauge what he does and succeed.

Side note my son goofed off. He decided in his senior year to take the SAT (we lived in Europe at the time) and went "cold turkey" into the test. He passed but he could have done much better had he studied. Well after a stint in the Army he decided to take courses for journeyman electrician and they were rough. He admitted to me that he "should" have studied harder and pushed himself but he did make it. It took him two tests. I told him not to give up after the first and to study what he did not know and take the test again. He was passing the tests for master electrician with no problem so he is now a journeyman electrician management supervisor over three on going jobs. So there is hope and he is doing well financially.

the other S.

No, how in the world would they learn consequences or learn how to manage time better. If they are having trouble with too many things going on at once they need to take a breather and talk to their parents and ask for help. Many youth are required to have jobs, go to school, attend church, and actually have a life outside of school.

When I was a young women's stake leader at church we'd have meetings every month and teach a lesson to the ward/branch YW leaders.

We'd ask them what their greatest challenges were with their girls. They all said, almost at the same time, that their youth were not able to attend church or youth activities because their parents were demanding way too much from them. When a teen is going to school they need to focus on that. They don't need to work and give up everything except work and work, I feel that going to school nearly 40 hours per week plus hours of homework can easily make it 50 hours or more then to require them to work on top of that? It would be like you taking a full time job and when you get off work at 5pm you go grab a snack then go to another part time job where you work until 11pm. Then you go home, try to eat a meal, and go to bed only to get up at 6:30am, shower if you have time, and go back to work (school) for a full day.

Kids have a LOT of stress and as parents we can help them learn to manage their time better. If they don't know the material then they need to own up to it. If they studied all week and know it but are just feeling stressed then it's possible the parents can help them learn some stress management techniques that will help them get back on track.

Kids today have so many things pulling them here and there. I'd like to hope that we can be a great pillar of support for them and help them learn skills they'll use the rest of their lives.

So no, I wouldn't keep a kid home from a test because taking a test is only a way to show you what you know and don't know. If she was paying attention in class she should be able to pass the test without working too hard. Most professors/teachers teach what they think is most important.

If she listened in class she'll have a good idea of the material. I'd send the kiddo to school and hope for the best.

As an engaged parent, I would probably analyze the situation on an individual basis: did my kid really work and apply themselves consistently, and there are some extenuating circumstances as to why they are not fully prepared for this particular test?

In general, I would not allow a child in HS or below to stay home and purposefully miss an exam, even with the above concern about transcripts, etc.

However, with all that said, and given the fact that I have attended 6 different universities, I can tell you that many college kids practice this test avoiding skill at college. They partied too much, or socialized at the beach too long, and they call in with big white dramatic lie about being sick, or their mother is having surgery, and they have the weekend to prep and study.

It happens. It shouldn't but it does.