In September of 2010 we moved to Maryland from NH, leaving behind all of our friends and family. My husband got transferred and the new job was great because my husband was leaving later in the morning, after breakfast, and getting home in time for dinner. Then he got a promotion in May and now he leaves before breakfast and gets home to late to eat with us. He travels a lot more than he ever has before. Before we moved I was teaching and now I am a stay at home mom to our two year old daughter.
The problem I am having is that I never see my husband. I use to talk to him at least once or twice during the day and now I only talk to him when he gets home from work. But even that is very little because he is often doing more work. Sometimes I feel like roommates rather than husband and wife. There is no romance in our relationship. I do everything in the house because he is so busy with work all the time. The only conversations we have are mostly about his job. When I do talk, I feel like he is not listening. I have no friends or family around and I am very lonely.
Would you talk to your hubby or just deal with it and see if it gets better? I don’t want to add to his stress because it is a new job and it is suppose to get easier.
Thanks ladies. We talked alot last night and he was glad that I told him my thinking. We are doing better and I am feeling much better. Only time will tell if this job is going to work out.
It would be worth it to bring it up to him to have it on his radar as well as to establish and maintain good patterns of communication. Until the situation improves, it would be a great idea to start building a supportive social network for yourself and daughter.
We moved here a little over a year ago for my husband's job, and I had to leave all my friends and family behind in NC. He leaves around 7am and gets home close to 7pm because he commutes into DC. It was hard for me at first, but I found new friends, SAHMs through local meetups and Moms Clubs. Some online groups have message boards where you can vent, get advice, and chit chat, as well as their calendar of meetups. It also helped that we found a great church full of young families and kids our toddler's age. Try utilizing resources like the recreation centers, parks, etc. Plan some fun outings and seasonal fun on your calendar. And stay in touch with all your family and old friends with Facebook, phone calls and Skype (online video chat).
We love our weekends and Chris's vacation time. We try to connect in the evenings with a walk after dinner (with our son and new baby in the stroller). Then it's time for baths and bed. If your husband is bringing his work home all the time, tell him you feel like he isn't making time for you or your daughter. Hopefully things will get better. It's stressful for him to be the sole provider, knowing he has to keep his job with the economy and job market so bad right now. But if you're really feeling disconnected from him, let him know. He may say that he has to bring the work home and has no choice about that, but maybe there are alternatives he hasn't considered. Best of luck.
We too left our hometown in Nov 08' and moved to Durham NC. We had gradually been coming down at least once a month to adapt before we uprooted my now 17 & 20 yr old. Also we did it primary due to us being called to the ministry so we know the Lord wanted us here. Its going on 2 yrs later, and we have gone through one transition after another with school, church and personal issues. Now my husband is being trained for managment status at his job....one thing I have to constantly remind him (becuz some men validate themselves by their work...) don't take it so personal...I had to learn to, but at the same time they must realize they are in a relationship and that takes 2 people working at it. You can't be missing in action and expect romance etc..Gary Chapman wrote a marvelous series: The five love languages on cd or book for (even found at library) consider u two reading it as a project...and it can actually revolutionize your relationship. He's been a marriage counselor over 30 yrs and is awesome. God Bless...it can be better.
I don't know why I didn't see your question until now. I know where you're coming from. We live in NJ, not near any family. My husband has a killer commute, and works long hours. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, he decided to go back to school on the weekend, and our daughter was only 2 weeks old when he started! Talk about stress. I'm glad you talked with your husband. I have tried talking with mine. Every now and then the tension bubbles to the surface again, and we talk things out. But for the longest time, he would get defensive, talking about how hard he works, how lucky we are that he has this job, how stressed he is to be supporting our family, etc. So half the time, I stopped talking about it, and found a support network through other moms, my sister (over the phone), etc. I will say that things get better when #1 I have a safe person to vent to (because I don't always feel like talking it out with my hubby, and I don't want to add to his stress). #2 Things tend to get better when we have a date night. It's really difficult, and it doesn't always happen, especially when we can't find a sitter. But we try to get out once in awhile, just the two of us. My goal is to make it happen once a month. To make it more fun, we each came up with a list of three things that we'd like to do for a date in the coming year. Then, we decided to make it happen. One of the things on my list was going out for cocktails and appetizers. One of his was going to a movie together, popcorn, M&Ms and all. (As you can tell, we're not aiming high here!) Anyway, I hope you know you're not alone. And I hope this message gives you some encouragement. I've come to realize my hubby loves to go out too, but is not great with planning. So I just tell him when, and then I make the arrangements for the sitter, reservations if needed, etc.
P.S. The idea for the dates came from a ministry called Homepointe. I don't know what religion you are, but you can check out this link--there are "recipe cards" for a strong marriage. (Look under "FREE Tools for Marriage). I think the ideas would work for anyone, even if you are not Christian...
www.lakepointe.org/Build/Marriage.aspx
