Husbands Being Fathers

Try getting him to take the kids on more outings, like asking him to take them to the park so you can do (XYZ, whatever excuse works, laundry, take a bath, go shopping for dinner, whatever he wont fight you on). I know this can be so hard and frustrating so you may have to start small.

I wish I had some magic words that would work here, but it took my husband getting a brain tumor for him to finally re-evaluate his life and realize all he had missed out on with his kids already and to shift his focus to what is really important in life. Best of luck.

In my world a good father does all the same things a good mother does (with the exception of breastfeeding if she chooses to) - that means sharing not 'helping' with the kids. A good father cooks for his family, cleans for his family, chauffeurs as needed, remembers to make doctor's appointments, reads to the kids, wakes them up, makes their lunches, puts them to bed, takes off work when they are sick, cleans up puke - the whole deal.

My husband is a good father but has yet to show up for our marriage, so...I have no advice. Just, I'm sorry.

I kinda married my Dad. Did you? A counselor once said to me that we all tend to marry our issues, but a committed marriage can be a healing ground for those issues. I don't know if that can happen for my marriage; I am pretty fed up. But this is definitely a marriage issue, to my mind. And maybe those words can help you.

Good luck,
e

I'm not sure what YOUR "truth" is about being a good father.
My husband is a lot like his dad. He worked two jobs, six days a week to support his wife and kids. The only time my husband really saw him was Sundays when they all went to church, had lunch after and then his dad would usually watch sports on TV and fall asleep on the couch and get up start all over again on Monday.
My husband adored his father, and thought he was a great dad, and man.
Now he is somewhat more hands on than his dad was (he changed diapers and gave me much needed nights and even weekends off for example) but ultimately he shows his love for us by how hard he works and saves, and our kids get it (especially now that they're older.) When he's home he's present and loving, but other than playing video games and legos, and maybe going out to hit golf balls or take a trip to Costco or Home Depot, the kids have always spent most of their time with me.
Sure, it's old fashioned, but that was our choice.
Before you approach him, consider your own expectations. If you're expecting more than he's capable or willing to give then what exactly do you hope to accomplish by confronting him?
Can you not accept his contributions for what they are, even if they're not up to your standards?

Maybe he already thinks he IS a good father. Does he provide for his family by maintaining a job, bringing home a paycheck, making sure the mortgage gets paid? He knows his kids are in school and that they have clothes and shoes? Heck, he probably even agrees to let them join an after school activity and doesn't object to letting them go to birthday parties? What kind of father did HE have?

Sounds like you two could be coming from completely different perspectives. Moms often shoulder more of the day to day load than dads, but that doesn't mean dad isn't contributing in a very valid way. AND it also doesn't mean the load can't be more evenly divided.

If you can't have a simple conversation about how you come from different backgrounds and apparently have different expectations for each other than how life is playing out from one day to the next, then maybe it's time to see a counselor. If you just go back and forth, each of you thinking you are right while the other is wrong...you will ruin your family.

Read,
The Five Languages of Love

Most people learn about relationships by watching the people around them growing up. What are his dad and uncles like?

The worst thing you can do is nag (I hate that word) he will shut down. Have a nice calm talk with him, explain what you need from him. Men do not usually pick up on social cues, they do not get hints. Men like to fix things and rescue people. So instead of saying 'WHY DON'T YOU PLAY WITH THE KIDS???!!!???" Say something like "Tommy is really struggling to learn how to ride a two wheeler, you are so good at that could you help him?" This way he can fix a problem and rescue his son from skinned knees. Do you understand the difference?

The profile you wrote says you are a stay at home mom. A lot of husbands believe that is their ticket out to being an involved father. They are paying the bills and feel that is all they have to do. You could let him know very specifically some things you want him to do. Such as 'can you take them out Saturday morning, I need a bath' I don't think they really know sometimes that you need something unless you specifically tell them or perhaps write it on an erase board.

J. -

Never imagined that our household might be described in this jim crowe way, but our parenting is probably "separate but equal." We both work full time, either of us is capable of doing kiddie pick up, play, feeding, bathing and bedtime. Either of us is capable of cooking dinner, cleaning the house, taking out the trash, doing fix it jobs, car repair, doctors appointments, scheduling, household finance, vacation planning etc.

We work to our combined advantage by making use of each's best strengths & preferences. i.e. DS does best when I tuck him in. If he wakes in the middle of the night, he is quickest asleep if hubs tucks him in. I might do the invites and decs for a party, but hubs will be working as the catering and clean up crew, before, during and after. This works well for us.

He is not much like his father, or my father, or the father I had imagined he would be. He is, however, a good father to our son, and the boy adores him.

Best to you and yours,
F. B.

People are busy. There are times when my husband spends more time with the kids than I do, but honestly that's more rare than common. He works longer hours and has a much further commute, but it's what our life is right now.

Sometimes the time we spend with the kids is cooking dinner, cleaning up after, folding clothes while watching a cartoon, playing football outside....sometimes the only quality conversation time we get is in the car on the way to a sports practice. But you know what, we make it work.

If you want more from your husband, you have to tell him. If he won't listen, go talk to a counselor even if he won't - they will give you tools for change in whatever form you want.

I can tell you that years ago my husband was the same way. I got to the point where I simply told him what our plans were and he missed out on a LOT. He saw it and changed. Now he is very involved with the kids school, their activities, things around the house, everything. But it took him WANTING that change. We did counseling a few times, but what got through to him was me not caring if he was around and attentive or not - neither of us whatever to live that way. He changed and I changed back to caring. It worked.

well, if you are just venting I can't help,

if you are serious, then look at what his father was like and what your father was like and try to see WHY he doesn't want to do those things that a father should some men do better with toddlers and some do better with teens. so it might not always be like this.
What vision did you have of him as a father before you made babies? did something change?

good luck I know it's hard.

I agree with Dana K. Wishing I had that in my life.

My Husband comes from a big family.
His Dad, was always just doing his own thing. The Mom/Wife, did everything. The Dad was also quite strict/distant/aloof, and just a figure head but enforced "rules" when he thought it was deserved etc
BUT... the thing is, what my Husband and all his siblings remember, is that their Dad did NOTHING with them... and only MADE them do, what he, wanted. And that, their Dad was mean. And they could hardly wait... to get out of the house... to be away from him.
He was not close at all, to his kids.
And the kids, remember that. EVEN now, as adults.
And they now, critique their Dad that way. EVEN if, their Dad has already, passed away.

My Husband's Dad... was not a parent.
Just a role and label.
How, pathetic.
So NOW... as a Dad himself, my Husband is very interactive and participatory in my kids' lives. Everyday. He plays with them and teaches them things. He even let my daughter put make up on him and mess with his hair, when she was a Toddler. My daughter, FONDLY remembers him, for that. And loves him. My Husband also does tons of boy things too, with my son. He's a good, parent.
My Husband will say, he does NOT want to be... like how his own Dad, was.

Kids don't care who the breadwinner is or if one parent is a SAHM or not or who pays the bills or not.
BUT they remember... how their parent was, WITH them, or not.
Involved or not.
THAT, is what kids, remember, see, feel.

My husband was not the father I wanted him to be, and it's caused a rift between us which is still not healed, even though my kids are now grown. One of my kids also feels that he was kind of removed, so it's not just me.

I should have pushed the issue earlier in our relationship, so that I wasn't left with resentment once my kids were grown and it was essentially too late. My advice is to force the issue now, even if involves a fight (which it will). You might have to insist on a counselor, so you have someone to mediate.

Good luck, but don't let it go. You and your kids deserve a present father.

p.s. Happy Mama makes a really good point. Reread her response.

My husband is a great dad- everything I never had. I know I really lucked out- many women marry carbon copies of their own fathers. If I had, it would have been a disaster. I tell my kids all the time how lucky they are to have him as a dad- that not all daddies love their children like he loves them.
I knew he would be an awesome dad when I married him, even though kids were a long way from our mind back then. I knew that if he was loving, devoted, caring, and patient with me, that he would be the same with our kids. And I was right. I think it comes from him not having much of a dad when he was growing up. Some men learn from their own father's mistakes while others use it as a guide for their own parenting skills. Honestly, I don't think much will change in a conversation with him if it hasn't by now. You might try signing up for something for just YOU outside the home once a week- like a yoga class, art class, whatever you're in to. Then, he'll have to deal with the kids head on by himself. Perhaps it will be an eye opener of sorts for what you go through on a day-to-day basis.