Husband Won't Let My 2Yr Old Son Come Out of Town with Us for Father's Funeral

I would take my son and either have a family friend in NC, or take my mom to, watch my son while we attended the funeral.

I too think you should be concentrating on being there for your husband. Even if they weren't close this was his father and is a major blow! It doesn't matter if you never even met the man the reason you should be going to NC is to support your husband through this hard time. It will be better for the both of you not to have your son there to distract you. Your son will have a great time @ grammas and you will be okay. I know it will be really hard for you, but att least you will go home and see your son again - your husband will never see his father again.
And your husband will really appreciate the sacrifice you made for him! Go. =)

You're not completely wrong to be upset, that's how you feel. How you act from here on out is another matter....
This is about your husband and what he wants and needs right now. No matter how difficult his father was, he was still his father and he's gone now. He needs your support, and I bet he knows that if your son is there you'll be distracted and taking care of him first. But if your son stays home, then you can focus your energies on supporting your husband through this difficult time. Leave your son home, he'll be fine, he'll have fun with grandma and be taken care of. Then you can take care of your husband.

Personal opinion, good or bad, that was your husbands father, he should be going thru a lot of pain combined with good and bad memories, regrets and all kind of emotions. At this time of grief and pain you can not be just with him?

Your 2.5 year old is a little child that needs lots of attention, and running behind him, not to mention they are loud and at this age you can not expect them to stay still and quiet. Your husband wants support not to be worried and not have to take care of the kid.

What would you like and feel if it was the other way around? Would you be asking for compassion, understanding, support and to maybe just be hugged.... with a little one around.... you need to divide your attention and mostly the kids have to get it, because they are that, kids....

At this time, what your husbands needs and wants should be the important part...not if you are going to miss your baby.... If you were grieving and going thru a big loss you would want to be taken care of without questioning.

As long as you know that your son is going to be safe and in good hands.

This has nothing to do with what you want but what your husband needs. At this time, he does not feel having ya'll's son there is a good idea. Since there were issues with his father, does he have a any relationship with his mom? There could be other things going on that he does not want to expose his son to. Your husband obviously needs you and you need to go. Have granny keep him for a couple of days. Be there for your husband. Your son will be fine.

Rational or not, your husband has asked you to come be with him for the service. Maybe he really needs your undivided attention right now. Your son will be fine with your mom for a couple of days. I think you should go with what hubby is asking you to do this time. Maybe put some pictures in your suitcase to show family since your boy wont be with you.

Questions:

How is your son with your mom? Super comfortable, not so sure, cries for hours after you leave? This matters tremendously.

How about bringing your mother along for the trip and she watches baby while you both attend the service?

I COMPLETELY see your husbands point of view - please do not think I am completely "siding" with you here, just talk typing out loud to help you find a solution.

I can tell you, this is probably extremely difficult on your husband BECAUSE he had such a trying relationship with his father. I know this from experience.

This is SO hard. I think in the end, if my son were comfortable with my mom and there were absolutely no other options available, I would have to stick by my husband and his need for me right now, and I would go with him. YOUR HUSBAND WILL REMEMBER THIS FOREVER, YOUR CHILD WON'T.

I wish you the best!

I have been there on both sides of this...suffering the loss of a parent and supporting a husband who is grieving after the death of his father.

Give your support the way your husband is asking for it. Take his lead. Don't let this stand in the way especially if you have available childcare back home. In the give and take of marriage, this is one of those times that you GIVE 100+% to him.

I had a similar issue when my mom died. I didn't feel fully supported when I asked for something very specific. I've had a hard time letting it go over the years. My husband has even admitted if he had to do it over again he would have just done as I asked.

Blessings to you and your husband!

****Update**** You have rec'd some very harsh replies. I think it is great that you asked us for our opinion. I don't think it's necessary for some of these replies to be so judgmental. This is all a part of the learning curve of life. Give the girl some grace, ladies.

Let us know what happens!

IMPORTANT: For the sake of your marriage, this is one time when you need to go along with what your husband wants. Your son will be FINE with your mother, and your husband has said that you need to support him.

One day your kids will leave home, and you will be stuck with your husband. Don't put a scar in your relationship by not doing as he asks now. Stop being a mom right now, and be a wife.

p.s. - Reading other responses - sorry, but don't "communicate" with him further. Your husband has made it very clear what he wants, and he will not change his mind. Death is one of the times you need to support your partner unconditionally, no matter what kind of a jerk his father was.

Your son is definitely old enough for you to be gone for a couple of days. Wether you are right or not I would defer to your husband on this one. He is in need of support right now and probably does not need the added stress of arguing with you. Losing a parent is extremely stressful, and I am sorry that your FIL was not a very nice person but maybe that is making it even worse for your hubby. I am sorry for your husbands loss, and I hope that you guys can work this out! I hope that everything works out for the best!

I think you should try and support your husband. I know how hard it is to leave your firstborn for the weekend. When I had to do it with my first child I was so upset. Yet once I got out the door and on my way, I was fine and so was my son.
It really sounds like you DH needs this time alone and if you have a safe place for your son then I would just do it. Your husband does not want to be at the funeral alone.
Take a deep breath - your son will be fine. You will be fine and you may enjoy a tiny bit of freetime.

Geeze, be supportive to your husband. Yes, I do think you are completely wrong.

I don't think you are wrong for being upset. You haven't been away from your son and the thought of leaving him upsets you. But your husband has the right to be upset with you if you don't follow his request. He wants you there for support and for you not to be distracted with your son. Your son requires a lot of attention and constant watching. That will take away from you being able to listen to your husband and give words of encouragement.

Your son will be fine. Your husband has communicated what he needs from you, and you are being selfish for thinking you are obligated to do ANYTHING but that. This is about him, what he wants, what he needs, and nothing else. He lost a father, and because his relationship with him wasn't so great, it's that much harder for him. Why would you even consider not being there for him? IMO, I think you are totally in the wrong here.

Your husband is telling you straight out what he needs right now, and I'm going to be very blunt. Your husband needs you more than your son does in this situation. Your son will be in good hands with your mother while you support your husband during one of the worst times of his life. Your husband is equally as important as your child in this life but in this specific instance, your husband's needs are more important.

I'm thinking of a compromise for your situation. Can mom or another relative take the trip with you, watch your 2 year old for all or part of the day as needed and then explore the area as a little getaway for the remainder of the trip? (If you can pay for a hotel room or make some arrangements). This way regardless of how you feel about the deceased you can support your husband and know your child is well cared for nearby as well.

We also recently lost my FIL and I will strongly suggest to you that you go with what your husband wants right now. This isn't about you, it's about him and what he needs. You have no way of knowing how your husband is going to react at the services and you need to be focused on HIM and supporting HIM. My husband did not have a good relationship with his father either (verbally abusive alcoholic) and the emotional range over the course of the weeks following the car accident was unbelievable.

Leave your son at home with your mother and focus on the person who needs you right now. Your mother's opinion is completely irrelevant here. If she cares about your husband she will respect his wishes during this time. This isn't a "social opportunity" for your son. He's too young to understand what's going on and your husband has been quite clear in what he wants and needs. Don't minimize it. He's right here and you are IMO wrong.

It sounds as though your husband may have had a strained relationship with his father and believe it or not, in these cases it can actually be harder to mourn and grieve because of the conflicting feelings.
I know you don't want to be away from your son, but it sounds like your husband needs your support. You are thinking that the service will only take a couple hours and the rest will just be like a family reunion. Well, then there's your husband who probably isn't sure how he will handle all of this. He may not want your son to see him upset or be withdrawn. He may be worried he won't have patience.
I think a couple of days away would be good so that your husband has a chance to be sad or whatever he has to do and hopefully have some of it worked out before you get back home.
Also keep in mind that little kids can become upset if their parents are upset because they don't understand what's going on. They just know something is wrong.
Your son is 2-1/2. He won't be damaged for life being away from you for a couple of days.
I understand you don't want to be away from him, but your husband needs you too.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

Your husband's father may have been a nasty person, but he was still his father. You must put husband's feelings first during this time. He does not need any extra grief right now.

If your mom is not up to taking care of your little boy for a few days, please ask other family members or a trusted friend to help out.

I know how difficult it is to leave the little one, but you need to be there for your husband right now. Keep us posted.

Blessings.....

i think you and your mom are being VERY short sighted and almost seeming to go out of your way to be difficult. maybe if your parent died, you would want your 2yo there, but the thing is - your husband doesn't. maybe he doesn't want the stress, maybe he doesn't want the distraction, maybe he's hoping to rest after a very stressful time - regardless of the reason, this is HIS time to get what HE needs. it is not as if he asked you do dump your son at the homeless shelter, he is asking a family member that you both trust to watch your son. maybe HE needs YOU, and if you're in mommy mode, that's gonna be hard. please don't give him a hard time on this, and don't dwell on what a bad person your FIL was, he was still your husband's father - let him call the shots this weekend. i would strongly encourage you to not hold any resentment toward your husband over this - your 2yo will be just fine! have a safe trip.

Sounds like hubby is stressed out about the service and confronting the feelings he may have for his dad. Maybe he is worried he wont react in a way he feels is appropriate in front of his son. Maybe he just has bad feelings about death and funerals and doesnt want a 2 yr old there, before or after the service. I do think you are right in thinking other famliy will want to see your son, but if this is what your husband wants right now, Id go with his plan and just do what he wants. I do think it would be great if your M. could go along and stay with your son during the service, but maybe that isnt doable. If nothing else, enjoy the undivided time in the car with your husband and let him talk and just let it go. You and your son will be ok missing a couple nights.

I haven't read all of your responses, but I agree with all of the ones that I have read, which is to say, your husband is right. As horrible as this will be, flip this situation around in your head & try to imagine what it would be like if you had an extremely emotional situation & specifically asked your husband to help you & he refused...

Your son is not too young to stay away from you for 2 nights, and furthermore, this whole situation has nothing to do with you or your feelings & everything to do with your husband & his feelings. Take a step back for a minute & realize that you're being genuinely selfish with your bursting into tears & causing added drama where there need not be any. Your husband was open & honest with you letting you know what he needs right now, and you're choosing to counter-offer instead of just giving him what he's very reasonably asking for.

I mean, honestly, how often is it that a man will truly tell you that they need you for a particular instance? In my experience, not very often, but when it's asked of me, it's what I'm happy to give.

I would leave your son home, it's probably only 2 nights. Focus on hubby and his grief, you will be distracted and busy. It will be sad w out son but easier too.

My DH's mom just died, so this is a sensitive subject for me. Your DH is right, you are wrong.

I mean, c'mon, seriously?! Your DH's dad just died - I have news for you, this is not about you or your child. I'm kind of ill thinking that you are making this about you. So, you'd actually consider being so low as to not go to the funeral because you didn't like his dad? Really? Did it not occur to you that your DH needs you more than ever, now? This is not about your personal comfort, it's about your DH.

Do you not have any comprehension of what he's going through? Your DH is in deep pain, he is grieving, he can't think, he has no energy, he can't sleep. You should worry about being supporting & loving, not burdening him with your petty concerns & adding more stress to his life.

You have trustworthy childcare, so I don't see that the issue is. My advice is to put your big girl panties on, get over yourself, and respect your DH's wishes. If you aren't there for him in his most difficult, hardest time, then what type of marriage do you really have? For better or worse, remember?

Wow, just, wow...

I would be upset too but with older kids now, I can look back and say your son will be completely fine and not remember a thing while your husband will remember. I think at a time like this, you have to just keep quiet and do what your husband wants. Maybe he's not right in what he wants but his father died so he gets a free pass. It's not a long term issue. I think your mom coming along is a good idea though. Or, can you go for a shorter time so you're not away from your son as long? We had 2 very young children when my FIL died so I went without them but only for the service and the night before while he stayed several more days.

Can you mom come with you? Perhaps get her a hotel room. Then you can have her watch the baby during the funeral.

I think that your husband is going through a lot of pain. Sometimes it's worse when you lose someone who you have traumatic memories with - it brings up a lot of feelings. So he needs you and your full attention.

So bring your mom if possible or leave your LO with her and focus on your hubby. Good luck whatever you do.

Will he compromise and only go for one night? Losing a parent is a very hard thing, and who knows what was said during the last month that he spent with his dad? Maybe they patched up years of hurt, or maybe not and now your husband has to live with regret of not having the chance to. It sounds like he is hurt that you can't see where he is coming from.
I would not push the issue of whether or not your son can come, but I would say "Honey, I want to support you and what you need from me right now. My mom will watch our son for one night (or two, whatever you decide you can handle). So let's go book some airline tickets."
I'm assuming you were going to be gone for so long because you were planning to drive? Maybe shelling out extra money for plane tickets will make him rethink his decision. But bottom line, I would not let him go alone, and because it seems such a sensitive subject I wouldn't push the issue about your son. In the grand scheme of your marriage, this could be a major issue. Is it worth having years of anger and resentment coming from your husband over not leaving your son with a loving grandma for a few days?
And just so you understand, I, too would be devastated and upset and in tears thinking about leaving my kids for more than one night. But this is still something I would do for my husband.

Why is he too young? I wouldn't go if it's open casket but my youngest was about 2 when my grandpa passed away and he went o the church service and to the cemetery to say good bye. I'd take him and take him to the service.

Other than this situation how reasonable is your husband. Does he boss you around. Is is loving and giving? It's not right that your child doesn't meet his cousins.
Sounds like your husband is very mixed up behind his father's death.
You don't have much time to settle this. It is important that you go with him. Take the issue of whether you go or not off the table and work it out about your son. You might learn a great deal about his family that will help you understand his position once you see them in action. Ask him if he's afraid his family will mistreat your child.

It is possible that your husband is upset that you won't be at the service if your son is in NC with you (per your post). Your husband needs you at the SERVICE. You have 3 choices (well 4 technically). 1) Leave your son with your mom. 2) Take your son to NC but hire a babysitter for the actual service. 3) Take your son to NC and the service (this is what is done in my family). 4) Totally piss off your husband by not attending the service when your husband needs you. I have seen my husband at his aunt's funeral I could not send him to the funeral service of either of his parents alone. If his other family members have small children ask them what they are doing for the service and see if your son can join their children.

Communicate with your husband - is it because of the long car ride? Is it because there is no one there to care for your son while you are at the funeral?

Mean man or not - he is your husband's father...while his father was cruel to him most of his life - it's great that your husband was able to care for him during his last month on earth...

I personally would bring my son...if there is no one to take care of my son during the funeral - I would stay home.

I don't blame you for being upset.
I would leave my child with my mother. Your husband needs you right now. For all you know all the time hes been spending with his father, his father could have been making a mends for being that awefull father. I know my husband would be upset and not share that kind of information with me right away. So if I were you I would stand by my husband. It sounds to me he has alot of feelings bottled up and needs you and your full attention.
Hope this helps!

While I think your son will be fine without you. I don't find it that unreasonable to bring your son with you as this would be a chance for family to see him. I'm not sure how often you get to see your husbands family. But just going on what I think my family would want and I think they would want to see my children. So, although, I don't think your totally wrong thinking of bringing him ultimately if your husband is adamant on you not bringing him, I think your son will be fine.