Hi ladies,
Once again, I could really use your help. My husband and my mother dont have very high opinions of each other and I feel like Im stuck in the middle.
Let me preface this by saying my husband is one of the most wonderful men I have ever met. He is my best friend with whom I can discuss anything rationally (except my mother) and come to a good conclusion. He is an amazing father who has put me and our daughter as the center of his world. I couldnt ask for a better husband.
My mother and I had a rocky but close relationship all my life. She often made hurtful comments or became emotional about something I wasnt aware of until much later. Once my daughter was born, she started treating me as her equal instead of a small child she always had to discipline. We now have a strong friendship that I value almost as much as my relationship with my husband. Occasionally she does say things that are out of line. But I can talk to her about them now and we get them resolved.
Neither my mother or my husband feel the relationship I have with the other is "good enough for me" - Mom feels hubby should be doing more for me and he feels she is still not treating me with enough respect. Both make disparaging remarks about each other to me. Neither seem to care that I am very happy with my relationships and get alot from them they dont see.
A few nights ago, I was coming home from an appointment about which I was very excited. On my way home, I called my mother to touchbase with her and learned she had a really horrible day at work (the kind of day that could potentially lead to her losing her job). AFter discussing this, she asked me about my day and I told her about my appointment. She immediately started making derogatory remarks that I found really offensive. I calmly told her this were inappropriate, but she didnt back down. Although I knew this came from the day she had, I got off the phone quickly and knew I had to calm down before I could say anymore. My husband came home soon after that and caught me talking to myself about it (I hate that!!). He asked me about it and I told him I didnt want to tell him because he would think less of my mother and hold it against her. He encouraged me to tell him anyway, so I did. Needless to say, he was upset about it too, but mostly because I was hurt by the comments. Im made him promise not to say anything about it to anyone, to which he agreed. Last night, my parents took my daughter literally all around town to find shoes she needed for a wedding she is going to be in and dropped her off with us (hubby and I had another appointment to go on that night). While we were all saying goodbye, my husband referenced that conversation she and I had, mentioning how excited we were about it and how we may go forward with it. I was mortified and felt this was a horrible time to mention it. My mother looked like he had just slapped her. Worse still, I feel like he betrayed my confidence and used it to his own end. I had trouble even looking at him this morning. He knows Im hurt and is sorry for hurting me. We talked about it last night. I know where he is coming from, and appreciate what he is saying. My question to you ladies (if you have been able to stay with me this far!) is what do I do long term? Have any of you dealt with this type of situation between your husband and mother/significant family member? I feel so helpless!
Thank you!
HI Ladies,
Thank you very much for your guidance and insights. I was not clear about what I was asking, which was what can I do to make things smoother between my husband and mother. But from the feedback you have given me, I do see a real danger that I need to work on. Im scheduled to see a counselor who specializes in relationships to help me in the next week. Thank you again!
You have a man that adores his wife so much that he will stick up with you and stand beside or behind you no matter who or what! That is not common!!! You chose this man, you can't choose your parents. Build on your maariage and set an awesome example for your children.
Your mother isn't respectful and needs to stay out of your decisions! Stick up for your family and don't let your mother distract your life!
GL!
Jodi
OK, first off...I would tend to side with your husband. Without knowing the details into the situation, it sounds like your Mom is butting in. I have had to tell my parents to back off on occasion because once you get married, you make decisions together. Of course, it is hard for me because I have always been close to my parents. But, I had to learn that once I got married (5 years ago) that it was me and my husband making decisions...not me, my parents and my husband.
Mom's feel free to give advise when you are not necessarily asking for advise...they have always done it and don't know when to stop sometimes. I would just leave those details out.
I am dealing with a situation for the holidays where I am not going to be trucking my baby around to ALL of the relatives houses next year. We will tell them what the plan is and they have to deal with it. If I asked for everyone's opinions then I would never see the other side of the family. So, this is a situation where I can not talk with my parents about it...my husband and I will figure it out and notify the press when a decision is made.
Good luck...I hope I helped in some way!
C.
Yes, your husband overstepped his bounds, but just a little. From what you said it sounds like your mom is often in the wrong. It sounds like both your mom and husband are Type A personalities and are bound to conflict. However it also sounds like your husband has your best interest at heart! Forgive him and love him.
Gosh I am very one sided today. Sorry, its just an opinion, I think you'll know what to do after you get over the hurt of the situation.
We are all Moms too, except our little ones are still little. One day, they will grow up and then WE will be the dreaded Mom giving unasked for advice.
You are lucky to have both a close relationship with Mom and a loving husband. You are also emotional because you're pregnant. As long as your Mom and husband keep their manners in check when in each other's presence, I'd just accept that no two people are alike and if they don't like each other, oh well. Life's never perfect. Count your blessings because it could be so much worse...
A.,
I tend to agree with the other ladies on this post. I read your email and immediately thought of my husbands stepdad. He is a vicious old geezer! He constantly cut me down and said extremely inappropriate things to myself and my daughters.
When I finally had enough of my husband never saying anything and I was constantly left to defend myself, I blew. Needless to say 10 years of anger, resentment, and frustration came out. I literally threw him out of my home and told him if he didn’t leave now I would do bodily harm (this is the clean version of what I said. Sorry ladies I don’t want to offend anyone with the actual language that I used. Not proud of it.). I have not spoken or seen them since. This was the only time my husband ever had my back!
I tell you this because; if you don’t side with your husband you stand to lose a good man. If you don’t let your Mother know she is inappropriate and you will not tolerate the drama any longer, you could have something happen where she can’t come for a visit. I am not saying the lengths that my situation went to. I only warn you because my husband’s relationship has been ruined with his mother. There is a lot more to this story, I am just giving you the straw that broke the camels back. If your mother truly respects you as an equal she will understand that her comments are undermining your relationship with your husband and causing difficulties in your marriage. We as “Moms” only want the best for our little ones, even if they are grown. Ask her what it is about your husband that she finds offense with. She may be upset with something that happened in the past that she still carries today.
Good Luck to you,
Dene’ H.
I'm in the same situation, but its both of my parents who don't think my husband is good enough for me or my boys. But we're living with them for now. =( Anytime my parents have a complaint I just tell them to talk to my husband about it. And make sure you always side with your husband, this relationship is the main one in your life. Just ask your mother to back off because no matter what she says this is the man you chose, and if she loves YOU, she'll accept him.
I think you owe your loyalty to your husband. Your mom will probably back off if you make it very clear to her that you will not tolerate anything but respect from her towards him. She will treat him how you allow her to treat him. Same goes for how she treats you. She sounds a bit toxic...
I would ask your mother to refrain from giving opinions unless you ask for them. And ask your husband not to jump in and get involved in situations between you and your mother unless you ask for his help.
You may not like this but I believe in "Leave and Cleve". Your first and primary obligation is to your husband and not your Mother. Absolutley you should love your mother and respect her and enjoy your friendship with her but if you don't start putting your husband first your marriage will suffer in the long run. When you get married you join together with your husband as one. Just my opinion.
