Husband Translation

"I was going to do that (insert whatever you want...laundry, dishes, bathe the kids ect)" Means - OH!! You did it?? Phew, now I don't have to...but I WAS going to, after you.
"Did you go to the store" Means - Did you get me any chips?
"I'm gonna go take a nap" Mean- I know it's the weekend and you are tired too, but I work the job that PAYS and I deserve a nap while you take care of the kids, run the laundry, make the dinner, and run a load of dishes all at the same time. Can you wake me up when the food is on the table?
"I have a soccer game tonight" Means - I can't do anything today, I need to conserve my energy.
"Did you pay the bills?" Means - Were you able to find money hiding somewhere and magically pay the bills?
"I am going to let you do whatever you want to me *wink wink*" Means - I am tired but I want to have sex. You do all the work.

I am cooking dinner, this means I am on the computer but at least I am in the kitchen where my husband is cooking. :)

Neither my guy NOR my ex husband have EVER uttered the words "I did the dishes" or "I did the laundry".

Of course, I've never uttered the words "I paid the mortgage" either, so I guess it works.

:)

I am so glad my husband actually does the laundry and dishes. LOL. Although if I asked him to help my oldest with her homework...that's a completely different story.

Me: Did Liz finish her homework?
Him: Yep, its on the coffee table.
Me: It's not here, are you sure it was here?
Him: I told her to put it there. (sitting at his computer)
<Search ensues and I find the homework crumpled under a couch pillow>
Me: She only did half of her sight words
Him: I double checked that they were correct
Me: But she is missing 10 of her words.
<Of course now its bedtime and she will have to finish in the morning>

Or the "Man Looking"
"I looked everywhere for it and couldn't find it" Generally means: "I glance around for about 5 seconds and didn't see it sitting in front of me"

Me: How does this dress look for the big event? DH: "Fine"
translation Please for the love of God dont try on another outfit and ask me about it.
Me: How do these shoes go with this outfit? DH: "Fine"
translation How the hell would I know, I didnt really even look.
Me: How was child's first day of Preschool ever, that I wasnt able to take him to but you were and I want every detail? DH: "Fine"
Translation: ?I DONT KNOW??Kid is seven and I still wonder..... He cried and screamed? or ran happily into the room? or blew me kisses and hugged the teacher? or was beaten up by the bullies? or entered shyly and quietly but was ..... fine.

"Well, I WAS going to mow the yard": means "I was hoping that you wouldn't notice that the dogs disappear in the yard, but since you are bitching about it, I guess I have to do it"

"I vacuumed" means that "I vacuumed everything I could without having to move anything...you don't really see that black ring of dog hair around the dog crate, do you?"

You don't want to hear my translation. It would probably include some curse words. I'm not that fond of men these days.

Awesome post,

Do you care if i invite people over to watch the game?
option I say what i feel, no I can't possibly pick up after you (Dh) and the two kids and hte dog in one hour and maybe the house presentable, and since You (dh) went grocery shopping i have nothing to feed anyone nor do i have the time or desire to whiip antying up. that translates to wife is a big poopl
option 2 is yes, and I die of embarrassment feel uncomfortable the whole time because football friends wife, really would enjoy having company on one hours notice and really would have horduoeves avaible and all 34 of her children would be dressed in coordinating sportswear.

that's my translation.

LOL anytime I got a few hours off I really didn't care if the kids had been bathed and/or had their teeth brushed! They're not going to die from missing a bath or a tooth brushing and I KNOW they will have been fed SOMEthing, even if it was a bag of pretzels and a bowl of cereal, because there is no way they would go the entire evening without eating!!!
I can't speak for the laundry, my husband had been a bachelor for ten years when he met me so he certainly knew how to wash clothes ;-)

I must be spoiled. My husband took Friday off work and scrubbed the house top to bottom, only not finishing the kitchen because he ran out of time. I can't find where he put anything away...but I'm not going to complain because I didn't have to do it.

Wow, your husband enters the laundry room, washes more than just his hands in the kitchen sink, fixes stuff instead of calling a handyman, and babysits the kids while you go out for a night? Sounds like a keeper to me! LOL ;-)

Funny stuff, ladies =)

By the time my husband gets home from work, he's pretty much all talked out, so he pantomines his needs to me ;-) They are pretty rote by now, and the signals mean: dinner? water? cranberries & nuts? Atkins bar? toothpick? more water? laptop/mouse? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz on the sofa 30 minutes later

ETA: OMG, Laura, those are great!!!

I was always sure that all of these would be the stories if I continued to work after I had kids. Kids are pretty much grown. I came in tonight after a couple hours-what's for dinner? Really? I have created a monster I will continue to care and feed the rest of his life. Reckon I'll keep him.

What's for dinner? = Please get up and fix me something to eat.

Interesting...
See, my husband doesn't SAY any of those things... he just DOES.

So for me, it is more like, I arrive home from wherever (grocery store, child's extracurricular event) and there is a pile of "washed dishes" drying on the counter (things that don't go in the dishwasher, like the blender or huge pots, or the popcorn popper, or frying pan, or the dishwasher was too full so he washed the rest by hand).... and I get happy about this. I wait long enough for them to air dry (sometimes until the next morning).. and when I go to put them away, I discover that they have spots of grease that didn't get cleaned, or soap that didn't get rinsed off has dried on them, or baked on food that was missed... so they cluttered up the counter all day/night, and I still have to rewash them anyway and wait AGAIN.... :/

Or I'll come home and he'll have the washer/dryer running.... the clothes won't have been treated for stains first though... so usually there will be items that get stains SET in in the dryer, that have to be treated multiple times (by me) later, to get it out. So DAYS of working on the stain.

If I go out with a girlfriend and the kids are in bed when I get home, they won't have their homework stuff finished or signed or whatever. Or some form will still need to be filled out and returned the next day--and I will need additional info from the kids before it can be done (but they are now asleep).

He never SAYS he did any of this stuff, though... not really. I just "discover" it.

ETA: What he does SAY: He'll call me from work mid afternoon and ask, " Are you going to the store today?". Which means, I want something/am out of something that I HAVE to have (contact lens solution or something), and I didn't bother to tell you I used the last of it yesterday.

Same here. They are oblivious! I have to leave my husband "a list" of things to do and how they should be done. Here's how that goes for me on a Sunday night when I finally sit down:
Me: I'm so tired
HIm: Me too
Me: Really....from what....watching too much football?
Him: Ha Ha....I had a long day too
Me: Really.....let's make a list of all the things you did today and all the things I did today and if they match, you can say youre tired
Him: giggles like a school girl 'cuz he knows he's sooooo wrong!!

You hubby's translation of "Good" is good, 'cuz he's done nothing that stresses him out. His translation of "Nightmare" is a nightmare, 'cuz he had to handle all of his kids schedules and follow through, which stressed him out. LOL...he was clear on his words....LOL. My husband's the same. They can't handle anything.

My husband this morning:
Him: I don't have any white t-shirts. Translation: you didn't do any laundry this weekend.
Me: I didn't need any underwear. =)

Saturday night: him: I cleaned the kitchen. Translation: I did the kitchen now lets have sex.
Me: I shopped, prepared and cooked. I'm tired - no sex!

I do love the man even with the language barrier!

lol this is so true. although my husband never does the laundary and its a rare day the dishes either. never bathes the kids EVER.

but this is so true and funny. when he puts the girl to bed its a shirt and a pull up...not pjs.

reallly the only thing i figure is "there is more than one way to skin a cat" the daughter was covered and sleeping in bed. just because she might get cold with no pants and in a "day shirt" she will sleep fine!

Me Honey we need to spend some time together: Him...you want me to quit my job?

Me: Thats what you got out of that? Him...ya!

Me: Why don't you look at me and put down the solitare game and we can talk. Him....huh...what (never looked my way) about what.

Me. silent. Him.... solitare.

Just happened tonight: I'm going to go lay down for a few minutes. Translation - I'm going to take a very long nap that's totally going to screw up your night.

At 6:30, DH slept for like an hour and a half, got up for a half hour then took another nap until like 10 THEN he gets up and is in my space (sorry, I need some space). Now because he was so well rested, he wants some "adult time". Um, no, not tonight sorry. He finally went to bed for real at like 11:30. It's now 1:30 and I'm still up and I have to start a new job in the morning.

I am sorry J., all I can say is LOL.....you made me laugh loudly..This is funny......

i think we have gender roles reversed a lot in our home
he cleans better, cooks better, and actually fixes things when he says he will

my pet peeves are usually because he gives himself too many chores (cut up 5 trees after work on the weekend) so emmy and i dont get enough family time with him.
oh if he does have emmy by himeself i have pet peeves for that. the tv is not spending time together in my head although ive been told i'm wrong by many men. AND i'm a hypocryte because sometimes i'm too tired and i choose tv with emmy instead of interacting properly as well

he does have annoying typical man traits though
him: (throws arm up in air and pulls M. in to cuddle----translation...listen i will hug you while i count down in my head until i've reached my personally set time limit and then i will tell you i'm hot so you can move off and then i can not hear you whine that i dont cuddle with you=)

gosh i wish i was home with him now forcing him to cuddle=)

Updated

i think we have gender roles reversed a lot in our home
he cleans better, cooks better, and actually fixes things when he says he will

my pet peeves are usually because he gives himself too many chores (cut up 5 trees after work on the weekend) so emmy and i dont get enough family time with him.
oh if he does have emmy by himeself i have pet peeves for that. the tv is not spending time together in my head although ive been told i'm wrong by many men. AND i'm a hypocryte because sometimes i'm too tired and i choose tv with emmy instead of interacting properly as well

he does have annoying typical man traits though
him: (throws arm up in air and pulls M. in to cuddle----translation...listen i will hug you while i count down in my head until i've reached my personally set time limit and then i will tell you i'm hot so you can move off and then i can not hear you whine that i dont cuddle with you=)

gosh i wish i was home with him now forcing him to cuddle=)

A paid babysitter for a husband who doesn't get the big picture. Save yourself some grief.