Not really sure where to go with this one Mom's, hoping you can help me out. My hubby & I have been together for 5 years. He's never been a neat/tidy person, but as far as personal hygeine goes, when we were dating and up until a few years ago, he would always shower on a regular basis & keep up on his hygeine. In the past couple years, he has totally let himself go. I'm talking not showering for two weeks. He will shave & apply deoderant, but the deoderant is not helping. I want to be close to him and intimate as we used to be, but I honestly can't due to this. We used to be intimate at least a couple times a week, now if it's a couple times a month we're lucky. He's one of those people that is very touchy about things, and always worried about what people think of him, so it's not an easy subject to bring up. I've also tried the "let's shower together" tactic thinking it would serve two purposes, but the odor is quite strong and it quickly fizzles for me. I love him dearly, but this is driving me nuts. He will also stay in the same t-shirt for about a week as well. (Layers it under his dress shirts). This problem is embarassing, so any tactful ways you can come up with for dealing with it is much appreciated!
I sat down with my hubby & explained how I feel about him not showering, in a non-confrontational way. It ended up turning into a 3 hr. debate about me telling him what to do. At this point, I have seriously had it, and I think he could really care less about anything. I'm calling a therapist & setting up an appt. for myself, in hopes he will come with. He was dead set about going to a therapist on his own, as he doesn't think that will help him. (Too much pride to admit a problem I suppose). Not sure where this will go, but, thank you ALL for your candid posts & thoughts!
welcome to my world, I can total empathize with you! My husband of just over a year, has not showered in at least 4 days. I finally told him last night that if he wants to continue to sleep with me, he has to make showering a daily thing, even if he choses to shower at night. He is a plus-size guy and I've explained that not showering and cleaning in his folds, and other areas, can lead to a really bad infection!
Good luck!
Not to minimize your need for support, but tactful ways to deal with it???? This is your husband of 5 years, TELL HIM TO TAKE A SHOWER! Tell him his lack of hygiene is affecting your physical attraction to him. You say he is very touchy, that is even more reason to call it to his attention. Can you imagine what his coworkers are saying about him? (im not one to put much stock in others opinions of me, but this is a different situation) Now is the time to be very blunt and honest with your man. This is an easily remedied problem on the surface. The underlying reasons behind it may need to be discovered to truly "nip it in the bud".
On a side note: He could very well be depressed. Not taking care of oneself is a major indicator. What has changed over the last few years that would make not showering for 2 weeks acceptable to him?
he goes to work like this? will he lose his job over this? Is he depressed? What I have always heard about delivering feedback is to be direct. I would say something like honey "You need to shower everyday or every other day" "You need to change your clothes everyday".
Sounds like depression to me. Has anything else changed in his behavior? Eating habits, hobbies, time spent away or at home, change in job? These are all things you may want to address w/ him as well. You need to sit down with him and flat-out tell him what's bothering you. Tell him you're noticing some major changes in his behavior and you are asking he sees a professional to help where it's needed if he's not wanting to use you for support. Tell him he has to shower atleast once every other day or there will be consequences of some sort. Is he aware he's not showering? Mark on the calendar the days he showers and show to him if he argues with you about it. I do agree--this is a serious issue that needs addressed immediately. I will keep you in my prayers.
Marriage is all about communication communication communication. It sounds odd to me that you cannot tell your bf who happens to be your husband that he needs to shower every single day. I could not tolerate that. I mean what is the most he could do? Maybe get a little angry and go back and think about and then realize hey she's right.
He could be depressed, I personally am struggling with this right now. I have to force myself to shower every other day, I do not want to do anything and I do not want to look good because I want to keep others away.
Be caring ask him how he is doing, be ready for an OK even if things are not OK... or be ready for a breakdown if he is struggling with depression.
You can go the route of doing it for your kids, that works to a point but in the end HE has to get help and work through HIS issues. Let him know that you miss being intimate, that you are worried that he is paying less attention to his hygeine, and if everything is anything you can help with.
If he really is struggling with depression, and it has been going on for a while he will need to get help.
I'm sorry. I'm in the same boat. My husband has great excuses for why he doesn't shower, and even makes it into a joke when I say something. When he was a child he was bit by a poisinous snake that has made for some really odd issues, such as hating the way water makes his skin crawl. I hate it, and can say that our physical relationship has lessened because of it too at times. Though, when he has a job (had been laid off for a time) he takes better care of himself (increases his showers). I don't know how to deal with it and have tried all different ways to get him to be more clean. Thought I would share my frustration with you and I hope you get some good feedback.
I dated a guy just like this! He went and entire summer without washing his clothes, and to make it worse, because of his poor self image, he would wear flannel shirts over his T-shirts - IN THE SUMMER! Towards the end of our 5 year relationship, sex was minimal. During the last 10 months of the relationship, we only had sex once, and that was because I was moving out of state to go to grad school.
He was depressed and he knew it, but didn't want to do anything about it. He didn't like the idea of meds or therapy so when I moved out of state, I ended the relationship a month later. He did eventually get over the depression, but it lasted at least 5-8 years.
Personally, I would opening confront him on it. I wouldn't doubt if he knows he is depressed, but doesn't know what to do about it. I'm seriously surprised that no one at work has called him out on it. Maybe someone has, but he's too embarrassed to talk about it.
Do you have children? You could use your children to help out...tell him he's setting a bad example for them and they need to know it's important to clean yourself daily and to bathe at least every other day.
Talk to him about it. I'm a blunt person so I'm not very good at being subtle...if it were me I would have told him to go shower.
yes he could be depressed
But I'd just flat out tell him how I felt.
OK--I'm sorry, that's just gross. I would tell him flat out.
BUT, is it a symptom of something more? Any other signs of depression? OCD? Hoarding?
I can't imagine what his coworkers are saying. We had a guy that would just make your eyes water if he was within 4 feet of you. Someone finally told him he smelled (in a nice way--if there is such a thing) and guess what? He had NO idea that he smelled! He thanked his supervisor, had all of his clothing dry cleaned and it never happened again. Since his 'at home" wife was doing the laundry, etc., can you see how badly that reflected on HER??!! We used to think--how can she share a bed with him? Doesn't she smell that? Turned out she wasn't much for laundry!
Hi D., sorry but in this situation yo don't need to be tactful at all. It's better for him that his own wife ask him to have a good hygiene than being embarrassed by others. If he is actually worried about what people think of him, it is precisely why you should find a minute and have an honest conversation with him:" Honey, it is not easy to say this, and I know is going to hurt you, but please take a shower everyday or more often because you don't smell too good. I don't want other person to tell you this. I am your wife and I love you and that's why I am telling you this"
Good Luck!
Why didn't you say something when you first noticed the change. You have put up with this for a few years so I am sure he thinks you are fine with it since you haven't said anything. You just have to be honest and let him know that you should have said something a long time ago but you thought he would get it together on his own. Now you are the wife of the stinky husband. I find it hard to believe that he is worried about what people think and he only showers every 2 weeks. Hygiene is important and he has got to get it together. I am suprised that nobody has said anything to him about his body odor.
Oh my...this really sounds more like depression to me because this type of behavior is out of norm. Maybe look into that or talk to him if there is anything wrong. Seems to me a very touchy subject.
Yes depression could be a factor and you should be tactful in your approach but let's face it...we've all had trama and deal with anxiety and depression from time to time. I deal with anxiety and currently seeking treatment...however, that is still not an excuse to be gross and let yourself go. I flip out if my hubby hasn't showered in 2-3 days and I tell him so!!!!! Icky period!!! More than ok for you to be blunt...you don't have to be mean but being blunt is more than ok...If he is going to work and participating in various activities he can certainly take a 5-10 minute shower. You say he shaves??? Uh sounds a little like lax in this other area.
