Husband's Insecurities Affecting Children

Well, something on this subject, I was allergic to Chocolate as a child and my husband was allergic to milk items, we thought that our children wold be allergic to something, and all three of them have nothing to do with any type of allergies. My husband always has ear infections with tubes, and always had asthum and oher types of sickness when he was a child and so he always thought that our children would have something. What are doctor told us is that sometimes things will skip generation. Not everyone will get what their paents have. Always ake your time with the talking and the speech. Our first son always had issues with talking and the think its because he was not around other chldren. They would ask us to read childrens books to him if he was not goig to be around other children. It help alot but will still put him into a speech class when he went to preschool, and I'm glad we did. He has become so bright. His reading has gotten so much better. For my other two children wel they always had their brother to talk to. the youngest had both his brother and sister plus day care so he was involved with the whole thing. I would say enjoy what your children can do and say right now and try to think of ways to help with what they are going through and try to not think its always because of you. I was never a bright student but 3 of my other brothers were very bright, but I'm very creative and they are not, people are just different and they are better at tings then others. Don't think for a minute that your children will be just like you because all three of mine are bright and I was not very bright. I really think your son being 2 is just fine, I think your husband is just making this to hard on himself. If he really wants to get into the speech thing with his son, ask him to get the scolastic books and sit and read with him, that will help them connect better. The first borns are slower to get things so fast then the ones that grow up with them. If you think the baby can not hear take him in and have his hearing checked. Then if he is ok your husband will be more relax about it. Now in these days they can do so many things for helping our children with anything that they might struggle with. I'll keep you guys in my prayers and I hope you will find what you need for everything. I hope this helps.
K.

WOW that is a handful! Well a couple of things, I too suffered as a kid with all the ear infections. I ended up doing speech therapy just to be able to pronounce my words because of hearing loss and even now I continue to suffer from ear problems. I have had 8 surgeries to reapir the eardrums and inner ear. So I can relate to him on that level and it is fraustrating. I have a 17 year old and I remember when she was your childrens age. I did worry when she got sick about her ears but for the most part I let the doctor do what he needed to do. I really agree that your husband is going to give your kids a complex if he keeps comparing then to other children. You need to make it clear to him that you are also concerned about the children and that if you felt there was a problem you will immediately take them to a doctor. Maybe take them in for a check up make sure your husband goes and he can then ask the doctor all the questions he needs to know about their developement and what to expect and at what age. It is hard to make someone understand when they are so set on something. Maybe point out things that your children are doing so he can see and not focus on things they aren't doing. It might just take time for him to convince himself that they are ok and that what happened to him will not be the case for them. Tell him that he is the one that is going to cause the children the problems he had because of his issues, they are not going to have a chance to be who they are without feeling inadequate. Tell him that he is going to make them feel inferior before anyone else will. I think if you can make him understand that he will be harming them more than helping them he might back down a bit.

Hi, I have done something very similair with my daughter who
is now 26 yrs old. This behavior causes them to have lower
self esteem and in my daughters case caused severe depression and OCD. It was not a hearing problem but it was a weight issue. I was the fat kid, and was teased and tormented and due to that I was determined that my daughter would never suffer those things. In order to keep her from it, I felt it
was my duty to always advise her on not eating this and that
and the dangers of being fat. She developed a eating disorder as well. If the behavior continues it will affect
the child in a negative manner. We ended up in family therapy
as well as personal therapy . It took years to get some normalacy back in her life. Please try to talk to your husband
about the end results of his obsessive actions. Men are sometimes the hardest to get into therapy but if he could talk
to anyone, a paster, a friend , trusted family member, it could help. And please don't wait too long.

Print off the developmental milestones for birth through age 3 or 4. Check them off as the children accomplish them. Then he can see a more accurate view of what the DRs would look for as something to be concerned about. Here's one of the many sites with this information, or get What to Expect books for infant and toddler years, which list them as well as growth charts. Note that this is a list of things the child should be able to do by the end of the year, so if she is closer to 24 months then she is to 30 months, you'll want to go by the one year chart. http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/devmile.htm

My husband also went through all that, and more! He was born prematurely at 26 weeks 32 years ago. He had open heart surgery and spent most of his early childhood in and out of hospitals. Yet, he doesn't do as your husband does.

I hope the charts help!

I think you are going to have be tough about this one. You are perfectly correct that your children will know and most likely already know that he is comparing them to others just because they can't talk doesn't mean they don't understand! It is going to cause them to be insecuredand constantly worried if the child next to them does better etc. Who really cares? Don't get me wrong...I am guilty of comparing my own children! But, you have to draw the line...and I am not going to stop loving them.

Next time he does it, ask him..well if 'x' doesn't do "x" is it going to change the way you feel about him/her? SOmetimes as mom you have to put your children's well being first even if it is dad that you have to do it to. Eventually he will get it just don't give up once he gets defensive. I think we should all pick our battles with everything in life and I think this is one you need to battle. Self esteem is so important!

Good luck!

It sounds to me like your husband is looking for child development guidance. It would be natural, if you didn't know normal age ranges, to wonder if your child is behind when you see a similar-aged child doing something your child can't. I would invest in a few good child development books. Then when it seems like your husband is comparing, you both can refer to the book to check it out together. Also, you could read them in his presence, and when you come to stuff that your son is ahead on, you can brag on him to your husband. I think that would be very reassuring to him. The speech sounds is a little bit harder; it sounds like he went through some awful teasing about his speech. Maybe you could ask your pediatrician for a speech development table. I got mine from a kindergarten teacher friend. Ten minutes is a bit extreme to be spending on one sound with a two-year-old (who will figure it out eventually anyway!), but as long as he isn't harsh with your son, I think it is wonderful that he is willing to spend the time and it isn't doing any harm. And if they are both having fun with it, then it is furthering their relationship. It is my opinion that your relationship with your husband, your respect for him and your acceptance of him with all his insecurities, is of higher priority than the children. Assuming, of course, that nothing abusive is going on. After all, if my marriage crumbles, my children's world crumbles along with it. And your respect for your husband's concerns (meaning you take them seriously and look into them with him, not necessarily worry about them yourself) will encourage him to take your word for it when you say that everything really is okay.

OH M.,

MY heart hurts for you...
I have a question, HOW did your husband ever make it in the Navy??

I am not trying to be sacarstic or anything, I was just wondering?

There is an awesome Dr. Gary Smalley, that has written several books and they helped me greatly. (not sure if I spelled his last name right). Can get at most books stores.

Then there is a book called, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.

Copyright 1980 by:
Avon Books Inc.
1350 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York 10019

1st Avon bookds Revised Printing: Oct. 1999 (Revised)
1st Avon Books Trade Paperback Printing: March 1982

AS for Changing your husband, That will have to be his job...
I am so sorry to put it that way but he has to want to change what he does or he will never change and I have learned the hard way the more that we push them, sometimes the worse it gets.

HE has to want to feel better about himself or he never will.
Just pray and Pray hard, that God will give him the desire to feel better about himself.

Just a personal note. I went through severe Depression, because my husband wouldn't do what I NEEDED him to do... Well, I got help for me.... HE still doens't do what I need him to do and as a matter of fact, it is worse now than it was when I was going through Depression. YET, now, I am happier than ever and I am not Depressed, nor am I on any medications for Depression. I couldn't change my husband, I had to change me. Well my husband did change and it wasn't really for the better to meet my needs.

What I am saying is, that your husband has to want to chang his way of thinking or it will never change...

I will keep you in my prayers.

About ME: Married 30 years. 4 children and 6 grandsons

Have you tried having your husband accompany you to the pediatrician's office for a well check up? This way he (or you) can ask all the questions he has and the doc can give him some relief of those insecurities. Make it seem as though both of you are concerned about the same things.

I think that that is something your husband has to deal with in his own time. I would not fuss at him about it, atleast not now. Although he has been a dad for over 2 yrs, sometimes it takes dad's longer to get it than we do. He just doesn't want his kids to go thru what he did. You gotta love him for that. If he is still doing it when they get into school, then I would be concerned.

I hope you have a wonderful evening!

D. Mattern-Muck
The MOM Team
Raise your income and your rugrats at the same time!
www.formyrugrats.com

I think it is admirable that your husband is making the effort to be so involved with the children's development. And yes, I also think your concerns are valid. Maybe you can provide him more positive feedback/encouragement (aka: praise) for the efforts he is making--that might help alleviate his defensiveness. I agree with the idea of asking him to accompany you to the pediatrician check-ups. Also, perhaps you can buy some specific developmental and/or language geared toys, books, flashcards and puzzles that your husband can use when playing with your son (make them "daddy time toys", not toys available to play with all the time. That way, your son won't get bored with them and will be more attentive during 'daddy playtime'-?) You could also introduce a pronunciation game (which your husband might start playing after he watches you do it a few times-?) where you say words or silly sounds for your son to repeat back. The games and toys might help focus his concerns and messages in a "playtime setting" instead of coming across in a nit-picking manner. And having a definite time for him to focus his efforts might help make him feel that you are supporting his concerns and "progress" (at least in his mind) is being made.

You can call ECI and have your children evaluated to give your husband peace of mind. If this does not work, maybe you should deek family counseling because eventially his insecurities will affect your kids and your marriage.

I was teased alot growing up and I feel for my daughter but I have to let her learn how to deal with social issues with love and guidance. I admit to her when she is going through something similar to my childhood, but I didn't know what to do about it then and still don't. Kids and adults can be cruel, but if he is constantly looking for a problem one day he will find that they have one because they will believe that they do. Ask him to please be careful about the pressure he puts on his kids. None of us are perfect, most people don't get A's in school (average grade for average people is a C), life is too short to worry about insignificant things. I hope he learns to enjoy his children and watch to see what he can learn from them at every stage of their life, and no matter what struggles they may have to celebrate their strengths instead.

Good luck and God Bless.

It might help for him to speak with the pediatrician, early childhood teacher, or a educational diagnostician to hear from an "expert" that your child is fine. His worry is natural, so make sure that you are really listening to his concerns. Active listening is good technique to assure that you are really hearing him. For example, "What I hear you saying is that you are worried about our child's hearing, health, and intelligence." This lets your husband know that you are attending to what he is saying and not "pooh poohing" his concerns. Good luck!

This is a touch one because people can't change what they don't acknowledge. Maybe you could set up a video camera and just tell him you forgot it was on. Then when he sees how he interacts with the children, maybe he will get it. Sometimes seeing oneself on film can be a rude awakening. The only other thing I can suggest is telling him firmly you are not going to sit by and let him do this to his children. Tell him he must seek out counseling or a more positive approach is tell him he didn't turn out so bad so why does he care what the kids are or are not doing at such a young age. Tell him he can worry about it when concern is called for.

Hi M.,
Everything your husband is going through is expected. He had a rough childhood. I also understand is very fraustrating to you. Be patient and realize all he went through. If his behavior is just overwhelming seek counseling. I suffer from anxiety and I am very protective of my children to. Seeking counseling was the best thing that I ever did!

Good luck,
Elisa M

My daughter had the same thing growing up. The ear infections, allergies, tubes in the ear and lost some of her hearing from it. When she grew up and had her own children she worried the same would happened to her children but in order to calm her nerves she took her child to the Dr. and had her ears checked out and all was fine. She was relieved. Maybe you should take your child to the Dr. for another check-up and tell your Dr. about your husband or better yet take your husband with you. Have the Dr. explain to him that there is nothing wrong with you child and maybe that will calm your husband down. He might need to hear it from a professional vs. his wife.
I agree with you that even though he is helping your child with his learning and speaking, he is going overboard and this could cause more harm than good. Your child may grow up thinking or having the same feelings your husband has or even worse, lock up when your husband comes around him in fear he will be corrected.
Your child is only 2 years old and boys tend to talk later than girls and then one day he will just start jabbering away and all is fine.
Have your husband read the responses from people you hear from on this site and maybe that will help unless you don't want him to know you asked this question.
Good Luck