Good morning, everyone! I didn't sleep well yesterday and I wanted to see if I could get some feedback from other Moms. I am 24.5 weeks pregnant with our second child (we have a little girl 4 yoa and the next baby is also a little girl). My husband and I have been married for 7-years and we have had a very healthy relationship. With the first baby I remember him being excited and connected. This time around I feel like he is disconnected. He has only been to one doctor's appointment and that was after I called him in tears because we had a scare and he came rushing to the hospital. In his defense he has missed the appointments because of legitimate work conflicts. I have another doctor's appointment today and he will not be able to come again. He has a demanding job with a schedule he can't control. He also has a second job on the side. I work full time and essentially run the second business and our entire family/household.
When I think about this pregnancy I feel like he hasn't really done or said anything nice to me. I had to ask him to sit down and feel the baby kick. We are not able to have "relations" because of placenta preevia and so we have essentially no intimacy except a kiss hello/goodbye. He doesn't seem interested and has said that he is not a big fan of the pregnancy body (don't worry we can get you fixed for example). I just feel like he has been really critical of me. I continue to do little things in hopes that he will get the message that is all it really takes.
So, if you have any suggestions for me that would be great or even just a pep talk. I would appreciate it so much! Take care.
First and foremost - thank you ladies for all of your responses. I read each one carefully and took them to heart! I spoke at length with my husband last night and addressed many of my concerns. He opened up about his concerns as well - some of which you all addressed such as finances and ability to handle two kids on top of everything else going on. In regards to the "relations" part of things he indicated that he "feels weird and uncomfortable." He did not really expand on this and I didn't really press the issue because he assured me it was not me or anything related to how I look etc. I expressed to him that I thought he was being a little critical of me and he apologized profusely. Of course, I accepted his apologies and reaffirmed how much he loves me and told me I should have just told him the way I was feeling. While I do not entirely understand his stance on the sex issue I am going to let things go and see how things shake out. If you have suggestions on the sex issue let me know. Also, we received good news on the placenta preevia - it moved up some and while I still have some restrictions but there was improvement.
Maybe you could request another ultrasound to see if the placenta position has corrected? They mostly do by around 20 weeks, if I remember correctly. That would solve 1 problem.
My husband only went to the ultrasound appointments with me. He never went to regular OB visits. He has to work - give him a break.
I second who said that part of the reason your husband is cranky is he isn't getting any loving. You can take care of that manually or orally- won't upset the placenta.
He also might be stressed out because your family is expanding. He's working two jobs as it is and if you're barely making ends meet - he might be wondering how another kid will add to expenses. Even if you're doing well, he's probably stressing about the finances.
I say step up the communications, he's not a mind reader and neither are you. Good luck.
Not making the appointments b/c he has legitimate work conflicts and is actually working two jobs... not a reason to get upset with him, in fact you probably should back off on that whole topic. You both work "two jobs"... yours isn't "harder" or more "demanding" than his. Not a game worth starting.
Men don't hear "little messages", so again not a game worth starting. You "drop hints", he doesn't hear them so you get more angry and drop "more hints". He doesn't pick up on your hints and you get more upset.
Talk to him about the fact that you are feeling unattractive and that you would like to have more intimacy with him... you're only limiting yourselves here. We had the same condition and there are other things you can do aside from a quick peck on the way out the door.
I'm going to get blasted for saying this, but stop the pity party and take some initiative. If you want more cuddling, pop in a movie after your child goes to bed, get him a beer/glass of wine (whatever) and curl up together. You both sound incredibly stressed and maxed-out. Start cutting eachother a little slack and relax.
I think you gotta talk to him about this because some of it seems normal, like not making it appts etc, that can happen, life gets crazy and it seems like you both are maxed out with responsibility with work etc. But the not seeming interested in intimacy, that is strange and making off comments, also strange. I think a good chat is in order about what is up and why he is feeling so hostile about things. The lack of intimacy could be getting to him, men can get cranky when they really need some lovin'. Are there other ways that you guys could be together without harm to you or baby? I know at the end my hubs and I always have to get creative bc the standard method just ain't happening. But we always find ways to take care of each other and have that close intimate time even if penetration(sorry to be graphic) is just a no go. He may have said the ugly remark about the pregnancy bod as a defense, although it was still not a good thing to say at all. So I think laying it all out about how you feel he is not with you in this pregnancy like he was the first time would be good and that the fact he doesn't seem interested in you sexually is hurting you. Then let him say what is up in his mind, I always find it so interesting when my hubby and I have an issue and I find out what his side of things is, it is almost never what I am thinking it is. Our minds just work so differently sometimes. I know the second time around for us my husband said "It doesn't even seem like you are pregnant!" We just didn't talk about it as much. He did go to dr appts with me for the most part, but did have to miss some. This time around he has had to miss the last two once bc of work and this time bc there is no one to look after our other little boys and taking them is so crazy. So life does get more hectic as you add kids. Hang in there, I think with a little communication you guys can get to the bottom of things and find a way to finish out this pregnancy still close to one another. Take care!!
Going along with what everyone else has said, men don't get "hints". You have to be direct with them and tell them what you want.
I wouldn't let it worry you too much about the "husband not going to the dr appointments" especially since it's because of work. My husband went to EVERY appointment with my first son and because of work, only made the "it's a boy ultrasound" with my second son. It's hard not to be overly sensitive when we are pregnant, so I understand. Just understand you arent alone.
So, talk to him about how you feel. Be direct now and in the future, no hints to him. AND, look into other ways to connect on an emotional and physical level! You both need it.
Hang in there.
Open, honest communication is the key. My husband tells me all the job that dropping hints, or expecting him to "read between the lines" will not work. Men are different than us. If you aren't coming straight out and telling him exactly what you want and need, he probably thinks things are okay. Set aside a time when you are both relaxed and not busy, and have a talk. He may not realize how he is coming across. :)
Hang in there. I have to say that my situation was similar in the case of my hubby being a little disinterested as far as I was concerned with our second. I wanted him to be as excited as I was every time our son started kicking and he just really wasn't. I realized after my sons were born that my hubby was reacting to our changing family in a different way, I saw the joys of parenthood and he saw the additional responsibility He seemed to go into male provider mode or something.
I'm not sure if this helps, it was something we had to just get through over time.
My husband came to one visit at the end of my second preg and hasn't met the doctor this time around. He came to the us and that is it be is not a fan of preg body and that bothers me but I have learned to accept it. He doesn't feel the baby because it freaks him out. I would just talk to him about your feelings and see where he is coming from
Sorry you are having such a rough time. You may be overthinking the appt. part too much especially since you recognize that he has work conflicts. Second pregnancy is not really as exciting the second time around so I can understand that part of it. Even without full intercourse, you still need intimate time though. For both your sakes. If you can help fulfill his needs (after he retracts and apologizes profusely for being insulting) and he can help fulfill your touch needs (I understand even orgasms are off limits) too. It will help to make things more friendly and engaging:)
We just had our second not long ago and had the same situation. I told my husband he seemed much less excited and I didn't understand why. He said it was kinda like we've been there done that. Since the pregnancy wasn't our first it just wasn't the exciting to him. I also felt that he was disappointed that we were having another girl I know he wants a boy. But now that our daughter is here he holds her all the time and always talks about how beautiful she is. Don't worry things will get better!
I got pregnant (not planned) with our second little girl when our first was 14 months old. While we were both excited to be welcoming another little one but it was not the same as the first time around. Hubby came to the few appointments he could make but could not be there at each one, but it was OK with me. I was not as engaged in the second pregnancy either to be honest. I had our first daughter to take care of, was working full-time, etc. Just not as focused as the first time around. It took forever to find a name for her and we never even got the nursery set up before she arrived. So I think your husband's current response to the pregnancy is normal and you should try not to look too much into it.
But if it is upsetting you, you need to just sit him down and tell him exactly what you need from him. Maybe a cuddle on the couch every night. Just having time to sit and talk about your day with each other is huge when you are so busy. He may also be scared to mess around with you at all cause he does not want to cause any problems with the baby.
Hang in there and congratulations on the pregnancy!
Hi A. - Here is my take on things, coming from the perspective of how my husband would have been.............I would bet the whole issue is stemming from the no intimacy aspect. There is more than one way to skin a cat, so be creative & bring back the intimacy! Your husband could very well resent his yet unborn child, may feel bad about that, so may be trying to disconnect from the whole situation, including you! Complicated, but if he is like most men, he sure misses that intimacy but doesn't know how to express his feelings. Also, you mnetion that you are doing little things........have you read the book "The 5 Love Languages"? If not, I highly recommend it. The things you are doing may seem nice to you, but they may have little meaning for him. You need to figure out what is meaningful to him. Good luck and I hope this is helpful!
