Husband Routinely Ignores Reasonable Bedtimes

"Hey hon, I've noticed that when you are responsible for putting the kids to bed, you have them stay up later than I would. I've observed that this results in a grumpy hard morning. The next time you put them to bed after their bedtime, I'll need you to wake up with them and get them ready for school, okay? If you can't or won't do that, I need you to get them to bed at the time I would. Thanks!"

When my kids were younger, my Husband would do that occasionally.
It is not funny... when the kids are super tired/cranky/overtired the next day.
I would really TELL my Husband, explicitly WHY the kids need to go to bed on time. I was very.... terse and succinct about it.
A few times, my daughter would be REAL fussy the next day and have meltdowns, which she usually doesn't. AND then my Husband would scold her for the meltdowns and fussiness. BUT... right there... I would stick up for my Daughter and EXPLAIN WHY KIDS GET LIKE THIS IS BECAUSE THEY LACK ENOUGH SLEEP the night before. I TOLD my Husband right there, THIS is how it gets. ALL day, the kids are affected. ALL day. AND that, he has NO right, scolding my daughter for being fussy, when HE is the one that got the kids to bed late the night before.
I told him, it is NOT nice and NOT fair, to the kids. Sleeping late, is not funny. Because the next day... they are very off center and fussy and it RUINS the entire day. AND they get, MOODY. AND that, it takes the kids about TWO DAYS, to CATCH UP on their sleep.

My Husband, learned.
I will not tolerate... my kids being fussy the next day and him scolding them for it... because it is not their fault. It is his. And he should... know better. I told him, if he wants to play with the kids before bed... to do it BEFORE bed. Not AT bedtime. AND TO PLAN ahead. It is not nice... to create fussy kids, the next day.

Once, my daughter was SOOOOO tired the next day, and then had a full day of school, and then came home and her eyes were all saggy and she was SO fussy... and crying her eyes out telling me she is SO tired and sleepy and can't do her homework. I felt so sad for her. It was not her fault. At all. It was crushing to see her that way... her crying and being so out of sorts, because of lack of sleep.
Yep, I told my Husband too.

My kids are 6 and 9.

My mum informed my dad that any time he wanted to keep us up he was WELCOME to... HOWEVER... That meant that he needed to 100% handle us the next day (better take a sick day, hon)... Or pay her $500 for a girls weekend away.

Oddly enough, he only let us stay up late once after that.

Can't imagine why.

((One of my besties was pulling the same stuff on his wife, as well. So one morning, she bundled all 3 kids into the car. Not dressed. Not fed. And dropped them off at his work. He called me to complain. Dude. Self. Inflicted. Injury. You did this to your own darn self.)

NOTHING would have helped my exhusband. And nothing did. You can't fix stupid.

So tell him -the nanny will be coming on evenings when you're out, to make sure the children get to bed on time-and she charges $45/hour-Bam!

I'm a grandma who sometimes loses track of time. When getting the kids to bed at a certain time only happens once in awhile it's more difficult to have a go to routine. If this isn't happening every week I'd just let it go. It's not worth a fight.

You could call him to remind him when it's time to start getting ready for bed.

You don't say how old your kids are. If they're 10 or older then you can give them instructions to go to bed at a certain time. You will need to remind them on your way out. You could give them the responsibility to get to bed at a certain time every day so that it becomes routine to them.

Because this is a once in awhile occurrence I just don't see making a big deal of it. The tension is worse then the getting to bed late. Stress can cause kids to have difficulty getting up,too.

http://figur8.net/baby/2009/10/26/nurture-shock-chapter-2...
This is an article you could have him read about the effect of less sleep on academic performance, IQ, health and emotional stability.
Also if their teachers are cooperative, you could ask them to please jot a quick note if the kids ever seem tired in school, or just not themselves. Men often respond to "experts" rather than their wives!

The kids are old enough to know when to go to bed. If they're just not going to bed because dad isn't "making" them then it sort of falls on them too.

On those mornings after he lets them stay up late I would start getting them waking up about half an hour early. Plus mentioning to him how hard it was to get them up the next morning.

I would try to think of a natural consequence for him if you have to deal with the consequences of his actions the night before. This is not a situation where one parent drops the kids off with the other at 10PM on a Sunday. This is two parents in the same house who should be able to support one another. Have you called him the following morning and told him your day and said, "THIS is why I need you to follow the schedule. This is what I get in the morning when they are up til 10PM. This ruins my day." How can he make it up to you? Is there something that is important to him re: parenting that you will back him up on in exchange? Or, should bedtime be a joint effort more often so he's in practice getting them there and they respect his bedtime authority?

I think it wasn't til HS that we allowed them to have a loose bedtime. My SD complained to her mom (who didn't have to pry her out of bed) about her early bedtime in middle school and we said to SD, "Okay, if you want a later bedtime, this is what we need from you - we need you to wake up with enough time to get ready for school without us having do things for you and remind you. If you can get out the door on time for one week and not make anybody late, you earn half an hour. Every day you are late, your clock resets." It took her a long time to go from 9 to 9:30 but she knew how to earn it. It took the fight out of it - she knew how and she knew why.

My kids are under 6 and they know when it is bedtime. When daddy doesn't follow the routine, I let him know the next day about how tired they are etc. Also, my kids have a little personal alarm inside them that they just know when its bedtime and will go lie down when they get tired. They also will tell daddy the next day that they were too tired and to please remind them to go to bed earlier.

An alarm clock really helps to get the husbands on track with bedtime routine and also a chart stating dinner,bath,books, bedtime at approx this time. Put a big chart in their room and tell him until he gets with it, you are going to keep it up to remind him. Good luck!

Set the timer on the TV so it goes off at bedtime. OOOOOPPPPPSSSS ---- he will call you and say "Hey the TV went off" and you say "Yep it bedtime for the kids. Put them to bed and turn it back on".

Or get an alarm clock or clock radio for the living room or his mancave and set it for the kids bedtime. When it goes on he should know to get up and put the kids to bed.

We lucked out and both saw when our son got off his 8 pm bed time (one year old) how cranky and mean he was! Husband was able to see the outcome of this when baby sitter let him stay up till mid night then he still woke at 7 and did not sleep late. My husband was there that saturday to see how horrible it was. We opted to find a better sitter.

Our kids have a "bad reaction" to late bed times just like they do if they eat too much candy or sugar. They become someone else. Hope you can get your husband to see the light and do what is best for the kids.

Some adults think that if the kid is still running around full speed they still have energy and will drop when they are tired. This is not fair to a child as they do get tired and delierious when they are exausted. Eleven they should know there bed time . but if dad is saying its ok then why not he is a part rule maker?!

In your post you never mentioned that you have already expressed your concern to your husband regarding this. I know that often times my husband looses track of time while he is playing with the kids because he has been at work all day and wants to see them. I know that I if I told my husband how hard it made my day he would try harder to get them to bed on time, but that doesn't mean it would happen. I have come to understand my husband can have the best intentions but some things will just be how they are :) I understand how hard it makes your mornings, but I like the idea of waking the kids up earlier...that gives them more time to get ready and is also a consequence (for them) for choosing to stay up so late. Hope it works out for you.

You just have to make it worth his while. Tell him, in a seductive voice that you will need some passionate love-making (or whatever words will get his attention) if he has the kids in bed on time, before you get home. Then you get to have a wonderful evening and morning as well.

I think it's a dad/man thing. My daughter is 5 and although she can clean hearself now, it has been going on for a while....it's bathtime and he runs her water late and then sits watching tv saying "get in the tub" repeatedly until I am sick of hearing it, she's whiny, and he's mad. Then he lets her do her thing and sometimes forgets she's in the bath and goes outside to chitchat w/ the neighbor. Now it's bedtime and she's still in the bathtub. His "sit on his butt" and just tell her something clearly doesn't work (never did) and yet he repeats it often. Drives me mad!

I think what Riley says is valid. I'd have a girls' night out the next night after he does this so that he has to cook after he gets home from work, help with homework and getting them to bed. Even if it's every night for a week until he becomes more responsible. You two will probably get in a fight about it, but if you stand your ground, he will finally decide to do what needs to be done and stop this.

If it were during summer, taking them to his office would be good. Can't miss school, though.

Dawn

What ages are your kids? Anything below 8 and they depend on someone else's good sense. Try a reverse alarm clock in their room. It rings 30 mins before going to bed. Time enough to brush teeth, get bath if needed, lay out clothes for tomorrow. One more alarm for your H and everybody is in bed and lights out. Hope this helps. Otherwise I thing your H is passive aggressively punishing you for being away. He might not even realize it.

At 8 & 11, they are old enough to know and to own this. My kids are 14, 14, 8 & 6. We have this problem too, but the two older kids put themselves to bed at 9 or 9:30 (their regular bedtime) because they're tired. The younger boys are supposed to be in bed by 9 as well but I frequently come home on nights that I teach or tutor to find them still up at 10 while my husband is on his computer "working" (or not).

I put the onus on my 8 year old and told him that he is to make sure that at 8:30, they have had dessert and then they are to brush their teeth, get on their pajamas and get into bed, lights out by 9, and be asleep by the time I get home. If they do that, then they get a reward the next day. The reward depends on what they want at the time - sometimes it's as simple as we'll read some books or they can play a video game for 10 minutes in the morning (a "natural consequence" of getting to bed on time and being rested enough to get up on time), sometimes it's that we'll squeeze in a trip to the playground, or I'll bake them some brownies or get them a little treat at the corner store. Find something that will motivate your kids and give them the chance to take responsibility for themselves and get themselves to bed. Pathetic that the adult at home can't or won't do this, I know, but sometimes you just have to go around the other parent and work directly with your kids.

I think men are just hardwired to be self-absorped.

It's rare that there is an exception.

Case in point: I calmly tried talking to my husb just this morning abt how
it would be nice if any way he could help me a little more w/our child, hv
some time as a family of the 3 of us when his dtr is at her mom's as he
has been consumed with volunteering for her sports activities. He has
not been home any night thigs week. Finished volunteering for one event and signed up for another. That's where he's at tonight.

My point being, men are self absorped, self fulfilling creatures.

We cannot control them (not that we want to).

What we can do is work with "what we've got". The "lot we've been
handed". Hope for the best, deal with the rest & sometimes set a little
bit of helpful reminders around the house.

Maybe you could set an alarm "for the kids" to be reminded to get ready
for be on their own.

Whatever you do, don't make this the battle of the century. You will lose.
We almost got divorced. Men need to feel they are in charge of their
daily lives, destiny etc. They are simple-minded, task oriented and can
only fixate/focus on one thing at a time.

I will say one thing before giving an idea of help, let the small things go.
They will later come back to haunt you.

How about setting a time for as a reminder FOR YOUR KIDS to start
getting ready for bed. Let them know ahead of time, "I'm going to start
setting a timer 30 mins before bed. You will need to be responsible for
getting your bath done, stop playing w/your toys or turn the tv off, pick
your clothes for the school the next day & brush your teeth."

Start this now when you are home. When you are both home. Have it
set on nights when you leave or or not home.

They are at an age when they can begin taking SOME responsibility.
This will help them and you taking the edge off of you arguing w/hubby.

Also, maybe think ahead and have lunches ready & packed on those nights when you know you'll be gone.

This may sound like enabling when really it is very CEO-type responsibility that only a mom can know and understand. It's not "aiding and abedding". It's smart & planning. It's simply put.....preparation. Like the best of Martha Stewart's-multi millionaire mogul types of people. It's
how they think. It's precision and helps run a "tight ship".

Good luck & hang in there. Even men w/the best of intentions are clueless most of the time.

I think we have the same model of husband. I don't have a solution. Yet.

Mine does the SAME thing, especially on weekends. Those times when I am gone and he has the kids by himself over night, he really gets the importance of bedtime.

Sounds like our house. Fortunately I'm rarely out. I get mad though that it's always my responsibility and my job to be the bad guy saying its bed time. What can help are alarms to remind ur husband am when I'm out, I call to nag. Most recently, I decided to hit him where it hurts. Just like we've agreed to bedtimes, we've agreed the dog isn't allowed on the bed. That's his rule. So now I say, you don't honor our agreement about bedtimes, I'm not abiding by our agreement about the dog. Childish but it actually has made a difference! I think it shows him how it's disrespectful to ignore agreements. I would say your 11 year old should take some responsibility. I did at that age. But I love to sleep!

The 11 year old is old enough to know when bedtime is and get himself/herself there. And he/she can help the 8 year old get there.

Just tell the 11 year old that he/she is old enough to be responsible to get to bed on time. Make sure they know what time bedtime is and he/she should be able to handle it.

No, kids won't go to bed on time by themselves. I don't have a good solution for you -- I always had to be the one to get my kids to bed on time.