Husband Question..

Typical....but tell him they sedate him and he won't even know what happened or remember it. I MADE my hubby get a colonoscopy and endoscopy the same day/same time because he was having issues. I went with him to the consultative appointments but his dad waited for him and drove him home after the actual tests...I think that made him feel more comfortable. He could have cancerous polyps or stomach cancer or any number of things if he is truly in PAIN....or something less serious that could be resolved with diet changes or medicine. Tell him better safe than sorry- eh? It is worth the embarassment to catch something serious early.

Good luck!

Oh M., this seems to be much more of a mental problem than a physical one. It must be so difficult living with him like this. I hope the shrink helps, and that he also has access to medications to control his mental state. Only once his mind is sorted will he be accepting of having the colonoscopy. Good luck

I think he is probably scared of what they may find in addition to having the usual male fear of having something "shoved up" his anus (he does know they use sedation, right?). My parents' neighbor recently died from breast cancer. She refused to go to the doctor because she was scared to have a diagnosis. Rather than going to the doctor when something could have been done she literally waited until her breast eroded away. Her poor husband and children are devastated in part because she put her fear before her family.

You should probably tell him to either get to the dr or take out a million dollar life insurance policy so that when he dies in a year you'll be rich enough to attract a young man and live the good life. Seriously how irresponsible is this man?! I'd be pissed and I think you should be a tad more angry than you are. I'm not sure if he's scared of the diagnosis or test but I assure you a colonoscopy doesn't make you gay. Just saying. You need to have a serious talk with him and show him how immature he's being.

When I was younger my Dad was a huge smoker. He had spent months coughing like crazy with my Mom begging him to go to the Dr. He refused saying he doesn't have time, he is too busy, that he would rather deal with the pain in his lungs.

My Mom finally just had us kids beg our Dad to please take care of himself and see a Dr. I was crying and hugging him and I still remember it to this day.

He felt so damn guilty that he was causing us to hurt that not only did he go to the Dr. but he quit smoking. Cold turkey.

If you have kids or grandchildren, have them talk to him. It worked for us.

Reading this makes me so mad! Great... So he would rather die. Where does that leave you and everyone else who loves him?

My dad was in severe pain and refused to go to the doctor. No one could MAKE him. It went on for months, until he finally broke down and went to the emergency room at 5 in the morning.

Six weeks later he died of cancer. He never met my husband or saw any of his grand kids. Sure, he got the glory of being "tough" but he missed so much.

Sorry to be a downer... but your husband needs to go to the doctor.

I would take a stand on this one. Draw a hard line in the sand if you have to. I've had to do these things because my husband wont take proper care of his blood pressure unless I make him see the light!
I would make an appt for a consulatation. Tell him no action will be taken, just going to see what the options are and you'd be happy to go with him. That way you can get the facts. If his dr reccomends it, he will be best suited to convince your husband to go through with it. Once he starts giving the medical "what ifs," your husband will be more likely to get on board. If that doesn't work than it's up to you. I would insist he go and cut him off until he does. If he still refuses, I might just take the kids and go to a hotel or to stay with a friend. I would tell him "I dont want to be with a man that cares so little for his family that he wont even attempt to stay healthy and I cant just stand by and watch." That should get his attention.

As someone who knows two young people fighting colon cancer (one is 37, the other is 42 and has and infant and a pre-schooler) this makes my blood boil. He is being selfish and immature. This is not fair to your or your children. I hope you have life insurance, and I would just make the appointment for him, tell him when it is and tell him to go to the appointment or move out. Honestly, the guy could be literally killing himself right now and he won't do anything about it?

I would sit him down and tell him if he wont go and get checked you would like a life insurance policy on him so your family can get by when he is gone. hopefully that would shake him up and he would go get checked.

He is being so completely and absolutely selfish it makes me angry!!
My husband was in denial about his vision for months. Once he finally broke down and told me he was having problems and what they were and for how long I freaked out! I made him an appt and TOOK him to it. He has now had 2 surgeries and radiation for a brain tumor that won't go away.
Please, do whatever it takes to get him into the doctor!!

Hmmm, maybe some Chloroform is needed here? :)

No really, part of me is rolling my eyes and the other part is really feeling for you. I know you must be so worried! I agree with Amelia, better off uncomfortable now than dead forever. That's a great way to put it. I don't know if you have kids/grandkids but my mom finally got through to my dad when he had grandkids. When he was letting his diabetes go, she looked him right in the eye and said, "It's a shame your grandkids won't remember you." (they are both two) He finally did start paying more attention. Sometimes you have to remind them, taking care of themselves isn't just for them. It's about you and your family too! Good luck!

My husband is also the same. Here is the rule in my house. "Until you go and see the doctor, no moaning and groaning is allowed. " I have been recovering from Whooping Cough for 2 weeks. My husband has a terrible cough and will not go and see the doctor. Last night he was coughing and was so frustrated. He mentioned he was sick of the cough. I turned to look at him, with the "Well what are you going to do about it". He immediately said, "Yes, I know, I am just soo, Busy." So I shook my head and he quirt moaning.

When he will not put on his seat belt!!!! I tell him how I am going to spend his giant life insurance policy with all of my boyfriends. The first one I will purchase a motorcycle for, the second going on fabulous trips.. "click".. seat belt on.

Because he's terrified of the "answer", but in all reality the "answer" needs to be given b/c he's going to let it go too long and the odds of the "answer" being cured go down with time.

I have a very dear friend who was diagnosed with colon cancer at 25. There's nothing pleasant about the entire process of diagnosing, treating and living in perpetual fear of a reoccurance. She's in remission, but she caught it very very early.

Tell him to grow-up and go to the doctor b/c your children need a father and you need your husband.

My 19 yr old SS has to go back in next month for his 2nd colonoscopy (sp?), no they are not fun, but ya got to do what you got to do!

SS had terrible stomach pains and blood in his stools...which eventually turned into all blood, no stools. He ended up in the hospital and has been diagnosed with 'Ulcerative Colitis'...he has a VERY strict diet and has to take pills for the REST OF HIS LIFE!

I urge you to get your husband to the Dr.

~FYI: The pills my SS has to take (12 a day, yikes!) are like $800 a Rx...thank goodness he has insurance from us AND from his Mom but his Mom's insurance would only cover the pills for 1 year...now its our turn and I am hoping and praying that our insurance doesn't have the same policy!!!

My point is, this IS a very serious condition and if your husband has it, he needs to get treated ASAP!

some men are just childish when it comes to the anal area. they believe that it would make them seem gay. he really needs to cut that out because he could have a very serious problem.

Tell him he is being irresponsible and selfish. He would perfer to die and abandon his family then act like an adult??

I don't know how to deal with this because I have been facing similar issues in my own family and nothing works. My mother had colon cancer at a relatively young age (50s) and I will be checked in my 40s because it is genetic. Her brother, a father to a young son refueses to be checked. So not only might he die and leave the family for a very preventable disease and easily found disease, but he is teaching his child to fear the doctor and not providing good information that is genetically relevent to his son and relatives.

I feel very bad for you and I would be infuriated by this behavior. I would lay it on thick, right down to scheduling the doctor's appointment for him. If my husband had these symptoms, and acted this way, I would send him home to his Mommy until he grew up. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I value my kids and our security and emotional well-being way to much to be sensitive to something so silly. It is likely nothing, but he must find out.

Not to make light of your husband's pain, but it is so TYPICAL! My husband does the same thing, waiting until the pain is unbearable before going to the doctor.

All you can do is remind him that a somewhat brief procedure is much better than being DEAD forever. :(

Good luck to you, I hope he finally goes to the doctor!

Because he is a man.

Men are afraid of things going up their butt, are too stubborn to admit that they are afraid, and will wait until they are literally about to die before they go to the doctor.

My boyfriend is the worst. He always tells the story about when he was in high school, he broke his collar bone in the middle of football practice. Yet, he finished practice and walked home. He waited for 3 hours for his dad to get home to take him to the doctor.

Not too long ago he was really sick. He was coughing constantly. Then one day he coughed up part of one of his tonsils. Blood was everywhere. I still had to convince him to go to the doctor.

I agree with Jennifer S. It may be time to break out the chloroform. :)

Have him go to the doctor who would be doing the procedure and have the doctor explain what is involved, and also the risks your husband will be taking if he chooses not to go through with it. Knowledge is power. Keep reminding him of that. Good luck.

He's scared, and he's using the fact that his pain is in a "sensitve" area as an excuse. Make an appointment for him and see that he goes to it. They give you drugs for a colonoscopy that get you pretty loopy, so he won't even be bothered by what is happening. Colon cancer is very treatable IF you catch it early enough. He should be careful what he wishes for, because if he continues to ignore this, it will come true. Best of luck getting your husband to face his fears and get the tests and treatment he needs.

I am not trying to be grim, but my brother in law (who was 45) thought he was constipated but wouldn't get help.

2 months ago, he went to the emergency room with abdominal pain, they opened him up to find Cancer had taken oven his intestines, liver are colon. He never made it out of ICU, he died 8 days later. My young, strong friend was not even able to speak when I visited him to say goodbye.

My niece is graduating high school this year without her daddy and my sister is an absolute wreck! Does he want to put you through that?

Maybe it is more about him being scared because he "knows" that he is sick rather than the actual procedure.

You will be in our prayers!
E.

You need to show him this thread. Let him see just how other families are dealing with it.
My hubby won't go either, we lost over $14,000 because he refused to be checked out by VA before he got out of service. Now there is no disability, not that it would have been much.

I love how Leigh put it. Rehearse that.

I'd ask HIM this question.

Tell him to get his affairs in order. Make sure all life insurance policies are
up to date, etc.

Hi M.,

Sometimes guys find that doing too much talking to them is annoying. This video is short but gets the point across.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqQBC07_DI0&feature=re...

Also... maybe read up on Katie Couric and the death of her husband years ago to colon cancer. She may have some videos that urge people to go in and have the test done. I know she has a campaign called Make the Call.

Good luck to you and your husband!
J.

That is so selfish of him. Where does that leave you and your family? Please, tell him to grow up.

Make the appointment and kidnap him. In my opinion, when you are a spouse and parent, you lose the privilege of ignoring health issues because doing so can and will cause extreme distress to the family and that is NOT OK. Your husband needs to grow a pair, grow up and HANDLE IT!

In my marriage, if either my husband or I are being stubborn about health issues, the other one very politely and calmly says, "are you going to call for the appointment and get yourself there or am I?" That's our cue to each other that we're being stupid and it's time to step up. Yes, we've kidnapped each other and in the end, everything worked out. If your husband insists on acting like a baby about this, you'll treat him as such...and who doesn't take their sick baby to the doctor?

BTW, we've been married 20 years, so this has come up a few times.

'Nuff said. Good luck.

This is health, is not a joke, the doctors don't even think of that as a "butt" or "vagina" or whatever, they see them as organs to fix...the can't care less of appearances, they look for the cause of the problem and it's their job and professional goal to solve it...being self-conscious is useless! A surgeon told me this and I believe it, they are TRAINED to focus on illnesses, sometimes they are even criticized for it! Tellim to get over himself and go, he is making a big deal of something these people see DAILY.

We have the family gene for colon cancer. My grandmother died of it when my dad was 14. Three of his five siblings have died from it (before age 65). It is a horrible, wasting disease. Believe me, the disease is NOT worse than the diagnosis. Aren't there places were they can literally put him under anesthesia so he won't know a thing? (Some people need this with dentistry too.) Start asking around in your area.

Oh my goodness. I truly feel for you. From the sounds of it he was probably abulsed as a child. And may not even know it. And the exam may have brought back memorys or flashes or feelings that he doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand. I may be wrong. But that's what it sounds like to me. He does need the colonoscopy done right away. The longer he waits the worse the outcome could be. My dad waited to long to go and he ended up have stage 4 cancer. It's good that she's seeing a theropist. Sounds like what he needs. You may have to let his sister be the one to get him to go and do this. She seems to be the one with the most influence on him. You are in a very tough situtation and I really feel for you. It's hard to see your loved ones in pain especially when you can't get them to do what you know they need to do and you know it can help them.

Good luck and God bless!!!

My husband has Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He had a colonscopy this past November. According to my husband, the colonoscopy was a breeze compared to having to suffer regularly with IBS. The anesthesist puts you under and you do not feel a thing. You wake up in recovery and then you are sent home the very same day. The whole procedure was under 2 hours. My husband had to drink some stuff the night before and could not eat the next morning. Make sure your husband gets an early appointment when he finally grows up to have this crucial procedure done so that he's not going hungry for many hours.

My mother is exactly like your husband regarding taking care of her health. She recently had to have a cancerous colorectal tumor removed from her rectal area because it was bleeding so bad. The surgery was a major abdominal surgery that would not have had to be done IF she would have had precautionary colonoscopys done throughout her life. The cancer would've been caught and treated minimally.

Tell your husband to grow up and get this simple procedure done.

M.

Ok heres my suggestion. Schedule the colonoscopy for him but dont tell him about it. Get the doctor to give him a script for a valumn. Then the morning of, slip him the valumn and drive him to the hospital.

I know, I know, wont work, but I had to throw it out there.

My take on the situation from the "what happened" section is less about the exam and more about possible results. He has worked himself into stark, raving terror at the thought he might have cancer. No exam, no cancer. But at least in his subconscious he KNOWS he needs the colonoscopy.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what else you can do except for him to continue with intensive counseling.

L. F.

In my marriage we have the reverse situation. My husband goes for every test and procedure like clock work.

Meanwhile, I have lost a great deal of trust in the medical profession due to some things that have happened with my children, and my sister when we were kids.

If it were me I would quit engaging with him (doesn't help) and just listen. At some point the fear of what's going on will overwhelm the fear of the procedure. Just pray that it happens soon.

It also might be good to go for some counseling under the pretense of going together ("honey, I just want to know how I can help you through this better"). Once you get there you might unearth some issues from his childhood that exacerbate this situation. And then you can make REAL progress (instead of brow-beating him into something that he may just end up resenting you for).

Emotional issues have to be handled differently than black-and-white, logic type situations. It sounds like there are emotions involved here.

JMO.

Your "what happened" section shows that this situation is way more complicated than just a typical man reluctant to go to the doctor or afraid of a bad diagnosis. If he's been obsessing about it for almost a year, has nightmares, almost went to a mental hospital, and is already seeing a shrink- then he really does need professional help. Has he considered taking any anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications? When my husband was having IBS problems some of the drugs to treat it were actually antidepressants. Are you able to talk to the doctor yourself, either to give them your take on the situation or to ask questions, or does your husband not want them to share the information with you?
I had a colonoscopy once when I had a bacterial infection. I never felt out of control of the situation. It was a relief to not feel pain for a couple of hours. I didn't get knocked all the way out, but I was loopy enough at the time to think that it was so cool to be able to see for myself the picture of my insides on the tv screen.

It's good that he's seeing a shrink. It sounds like he is having clinical anxiety and perhaps panic attacks, and at this point may have limited control over himself. His anxiety may be developing into a medical phobia. Is he on any anxiolytics? Can he be given valium or something like that before an appointment? Clearly he's not talking or thinking rationally, and clearly he needs the procedure done (as well as treatment for whatever is causing this). I think you need to work with the shrink and gastroenterologist to create some kind of behavioral intervention plan to get him through it. If you're working with an family doc instead of a gastroenterologist, try to research a GI specialist who is adept at handling anxiety about rectal exams.

Chastising someone who is having panic attacks and a medical phobia doesn't usually make any progress. I'm sorry you have to deal with this; I'm sure it's all kinds of stressful for you and your kids. Hang in there!

This could be a number of problems, Some could be pass to you!!! For both your sakes he needs to be checked!

YIKES. Men. My husband always says I'm a big tough construction worker. I'll be fine. They are crazy.

Have him try some aloe juice. It may help him. It heals the digestive tract and keeps things moving. :)
go to coliryan.com and type in ultimate aloe juice.
this is what I use. Strawberry kiwi is the best.

Are you absolutely positive he was not raped as a boy????? BTW - those are HIS words....not mine. Doesn't matter that you have been married 20 years...repressed memories are just that and he is acting like a total madman and lunatic whom I would also be afraid of given his bizarre temper tantrums over something so clinical, and medically necessary. These professionals perform this type of procedure all day, every day...he's not the first guy they have seen who has issues.....

It's all so darn disrespectful over everyone's time and energy around him. I am in disbelief he got his sister to go with him??? That's some odd relationship. Enabler perhaps??? He's got to stop this now it, ask the Doc for a valium to calm his nerves before procedures, suck it up and go get checked. Or guess what? Your kids are going to become hysterical over their medical issues in a jiffy.

Could it be hemerrroids? I've got occasional issues with that. Go get some Tucks pads and soothing gel/creme for him but don't make a big deal of it. When he gets home just put in on the bathroom counter for him to see for himself. If he asks you about it with an attitude say it's for you. I think part of his foolish pride is embarassment - so leave him alone about it! (but try this passive-aggressive way of helping)

I have a few things to add, but first of all, I want to express that I really feel for you. I am so sorry. I know that this is stressful for you. Of course, there may not be something seriously wrong. On the other hand, I will tell you the story of my husband's family.

My husband's uncle started having uncomfortable symptoms, but didn't want to go through all of the things that are entailed with cancer. He let himself get worse and worse. He refused treatment. After all, he was not in pain. He felt that the treatment would be more painful than cancer. Finally, he was pumping gas and bled so much that he was unable to get out of the car. He was in a lot of pain. Now, he decided it was bad enough to get treatment. The treatment was both painful and unsuccessful. He passed away last summer.

My husband's cousin started becoming ill. Treatment was too expensive - after all, he didn't have any insurance. He waited and finally managed to secure insurance. By this time, it was too late - it was not covered because it was a pre-existing condition. Surgery was done anyway to alleviate his symptoms. He also went through chemo even though his situation was terminal. It was to shrink the tumors enough to buy a few weeks and relieve some pain. He died last fall.

My father in law was tested. It was his brother's dying wish. Indeed he had cancer. He had a colectemy and is cured.

My husband started to get symptoms of colon cancer. He acted like a madman. He knew in his heart that he had cancer, but he didn't want to face the facts. Finally, he shared his concern. He wanted to wait a while to make sure - don't ask me why.

I was aggravated!I finally told him that he needed to get treatment early or he just needed to suffer and die. Harsh, I know. I don't understand why anyone would wait until it was too late and then spend all the money and go through all of the pain for no reason. Early treatment is both cheaper and less painful than the alternative. My husband's surgery was in December and he is now 100%. The cost - about $60,000. His cousins's cost - about $340,000 - and his life. His pain was much less than that of his uncle.

I know that your husband may not have cancer. But is it worth the risk?

You may not be able to do force your husband into treatment, but he does deserve to know the facts about a lack of treatment.

PS. It is now exceedingly rare for a colon cancer patient to end up with a colostomy bag.

My grandfather refused to have a colonoscopy for years and years while we all suspected a problem was there. By the time he finally gave in, they discovered he had cancer, and it was so far along that there was not much they could do. He endured so much pain during the last part of his life because he was scared and unwilling to have a simple procedure a few years earlier. The thing is that even if they find something, early detection has a very good prognosis. My dad has a colonoscopy every three years because of his family history, and they almost always find polyps and remove them during the procedure. If those were to be left alone they would probably become cancer. And honestly, with the anesthesia, it's not even uncomfortable for him. Please tell him that it is nothing compared to fighting a battle with cancer.

Oh my, after reading you SWH, I'm wondering if somebody touched him inapropriately at some time in his life. His behavior would explain if something did happen. I've never heard of anyone acting this way over a simple (yes weird) procedure.

My husband just had one done last week and his comment was "why in the world would anybody want to specialize GI"? I ask the same thing too!

In a guess: FEAR. He's probably afraid of what they might find.

I would suggest sitting down with him and being 100% honest: Tell him you hate to see him in pain, and you are trying to understand why he is not getting it checked out. Tell him that you want to support him, and that his family needs him, and part of that, part of providing for his family, is for him to take good care of himself--and taking good care of himself means finding out what's wrong. Ask him if he's afraid. He may not admit it and he may be defensive, but sometimes, naming the thing we fear the most can really help us confront it. Don't blame him for being afraid, but do ask him to be strong and courageous in dealing with his fear, because you as a family need him, and because you hate watching him suffer (which is cruel to you as well as him).

If, after talking with him, he still says he won't go, get other family members to start putting pressure on him (his parents, siblings, friends). Or, make an appointment for him with his doctor, tell the doctor what's going on, and then tell your husband his appointment is at X time, and that you're driving him there. Tell him you don't need to be in the appointment, unless he wants you to be there, but that you're taking him into the dr's office.

(hugs)

Wow - I have never heard of such a reaction but I would schedule an appt with his doctor for yourself and find out what the doctor can do to make this easier. If he is showing symptoms like bleeding he really needs to get checked out ASAP. For example, maybe the DR could put him in hospital where they can sedate him beforehand. Or maybe the DR would be willing to give him a different prep (or none) to get him to do it.

I know you probably can't reason with him at this point but I swear the colonoscopies now are EASY - I have had 4 already. The prep the day before is the hardest part just because you are hungry and tired from not eating and spending time in the bathroom. But it is definitely manageable. The morning of procedure, you go in, get an IV started, roll into the room and talk to DR, then the next thing you know you are awake in recovery. There is no pain, no after effects, you can not feel that anything has happened "down there". Knowing your husbands situation, I bet DR would give him pills to take at home to relax him, and put him straight down when he arrived. That way he would just have to make it there - the rest he won't remember!

Good luck - this sounds really hard to deal with. You might try to tell him he has gone through all this (since Aug 2010) for a 30 minute procedure + one day of hunger. Wouldn't he feel better if he was done with it?