These situations get on my nerves when husband seems overprotective. :) I want to be as safe as possible with my children, but not insane. Any thoughts from other moms or dads?
1. I mentioned how I took my daughter potty at a play place at the park district, hoping her dad could share in her success at getting trained. He immediately asked if I took the preschool and baby with us into the potty, thinking I might have left them in the play area. Of course I took them with us.
2. I told me I turned on the AC in the car as it was 100 degrees out, then put the the toddlers and baby in the car. I didn't want the newborn to die of heat! He said how someone could steal the car if I had the keys in it (while I was buckling in the kids), and that was very unsafe and I should just put them in first.
3. Baby got into the cabinets, and I don't mind. It keeps him happy. He found a charger for the broom and my husband said he could DIE easily from getting it around his neck. And I've been taking out all the corded blinds this month, for I see that as the real hazard. True, the charger is not a toy, but husband was very, very concerned baby found that.
4. He expressed unease that I would use a nursery while I work out. Someone could take the kids. The door isn't locked and bolted. These outings are good for all of us and the highlight of our day.
5. No sitters for the most part as he does not trust anyone except CERTAIN family members.
I understand his concerns and don't mean to downplay safety, but it's driving me crazy as my parenting choices are always being called out as unsafe, when I am taking 3 toddlers and a baby out and about. And god forbid I leave a child in the driveaway for one second while I drop another kid inside, then dash out to get another. Unless I had 6 hands I could probably do it to the safest standards. If I could carry them all in at once, sure! They are so close in age we don't always have two walking at once.
Note that mother-in-law is even worse about worst case scenario, so I see where he gets it.
Thanks for your input. Nothing bad ever happened to husband. He spent most of his childhood inside since outside was considered dangerous. It was a safe area, of course. :) His parents were over the top, and he is too. Anytime a worst case thing happens on the news, he or his mother is quick to point it out.
We'll keep plugging along. He is certainly Type A and has some minor OCD tendencies. This is just how he is, very concerned and on top of safety. Just a little extreme and annoying to me sometimes.
I think I would talk to him and see what his REAL issue is. I am very independent and so this kind of stuff really bothers me. I see it as being a control freak. I am not there all the time so I can not make a judgment call.
It's nice that he's concerned, but he does sound a bit over-the-top! Does he ever spend weekend (or week) days alone with all of the kids? I would make sure he did and tell him they HAD to go somewhere. He needs to experience how "easy" it is to get out and about with all of them!
The nursery while you work out -there's no reason to be worried about that. Perhaps you could print out some statistics for him showing that FEWER children are abducted now than in the 60s and 70s -the difference is that now we hear about every kid -no matter where in the country they are (and sometimes the world). He needs to realize, that while it's important to be safe, most people are NOT out to get your children.
Work on this now. I've literally seen a cousin of mine's life ruined by an extremely paranoid and overprotective father and a mother who went along with it. She was never allowed to go to any friend's house to play or spend the night; she never attended any Moms morning outs or preschools or anything that involved them leaving her somewhere except my aunt's house. They had a beautiful pool and she was never allowed to invite anyone over "because they might get hurt and sue." She's now an incredibly socially stunted and immature adult who still lives at home and has no social life. SO -I'm not saying your husband is that bad, but it bears watching. As I said before, he needs to relax a little and realize that most people are NOT out to get anyone.
Is anxiety the norm for him in general or only with the children? It may be the way he was raised, if he's an eldest or only, they seem to tend to be more concerned with safety (I myself fit into this category and am a bit safety nuts too). It is also the role of the father to keep his family safe, and he may feel overwhelmed in such a way that he may not be able to do it, so he sees you as an extension of that safety and you make different choices than he does so it scares him.
Sitting down and having a chat with him is good. It also sounds like there may be some trust issues the two of you might wish to work out as well as potential anxiety. He may also be so focused on the details that the larger picture of praticality may not be something he is aware of. If it continues and is not helped with conversation, you may wish to consider family counseling to help the two of you develop tools to cope.
Good luck to you.
I think other posters have give some good insights, but have you considered that your DH could actually be suffering from anxiety or even depression? When the brain gets out of whack, worst case scenarios seem so much more real. Consider whether he is showing any other symptoms, like changes in sleeping or eating habits, talking about more stress at work, etc. If so, he may do well to talk to his doctor.
With the exception of #3 and #5 (my kids never had a sitter, family member, or close family friends), hubby is going overboard. You need to sit down and have a talk with him. It's obvious that you do your best to keep your children as safe as possible, and I know in his heart he knows that. You just need to get through to him that you can't live your life in a plastic bubble.
I woudn't say overprotective , I'd say more like paranoid. I can understand your frustration at having your parenting styles/choices questioned daily. I would do as the PP said and leave him for a whole day along with all the kids , make sure he goes out and then see how "easy" it is for him to take them all in/out of the car at the same time.
Sounds like hubby is reading too many horror stories on the internet. He seems a little parnoid and is looking for the worst case scenario. You need to find out what is the underlying problem with him. If he is like this now when your kids are school age and God forbid teenagers this can put a huge wall up between him and them. Talk to hubby find out what's on his mind.
I think it sounds like an anxiety problem. My husband has similar tendencies and he is aware of his anxiety issues so that helps but, I understand how ridiculous it can be. My hubby got a little help with his OCDish stuff -- I try to tune some out and accommodate other things. Some people with OCD have compulsive worst case scenario thoughts.
Could this be your husband's problem?
Sounds to me like someone had lots of close calls in their younger years. It's either him or his Mom. My first thought was that maybe the baby was secretly his ... but then I continued reading. The issues aren't yours alone. I understand exactly your stance. I also understand his to a degree. I'm an overprotective Mom ... I watch the same things your DH is mentioning. My DH is super viligent as well. Most of the time it's endearing ... the rest of the time ... not so much. Best thing to do is to put yourself in their shoes so to speak. Someone had a close call. What if it were your baby? What wouold you do differently? Then ... take a deep breath ... and accept your DH as he is and ask him to help out so that these things aren't such a huge concern. Sure, he works outside of the home. However, he can help with baby proofing. He can help get the garage baby safe so that the kids can be loaded in the car while in the garage rather than the driveway. Don't have a garage? Ask him to help youfind another way to do things so that everyone is safe. Ask him to help you find a trusted friend / family member to go to the gym with you so that you can get some exercise and maybe trade off so that the other person can do tha same. Yes, it's work intensive. However, asking him for help and input puts some of the responsibility in his lap and makes him feel needed and part of things. My DH has admitted that he's so verbally "helpful" because he wants to feel involved. So ... I asked him to help wit it. he did. Now .. he's relaxed, more accepting of what I do and not as critical.
I may be in the minority here, but I feel your husband is viewing things correctly. Mike Tyson's 4 year old daughter died from a cord around her neck from an exercise machine. Maybe she played safely around that machine a million other times, but it only takes once. Nothing is innocuous when it comes to children. As adults we view the practical usage of things many times and overlook how a child can get into trouble in an "ordinary" setting. I tend to look at things from his angle as well, although moms definitely have limited resources in tending to multiple kids. I'd say do your best but in all situations be attuned to safety.
It does seem over the top. Maybe you could figure out a way for him to take out all the kids for your typical day... do a fun outing with them, run an errand or two, go grocery shopping. Maybe he already does this regularly, but if not, it might change his perspective on what's realistic.
wow - I will agree with your ? - I think your dh is overprotective. What are you going to do when the kids are playing in the backyard and you have to take one child inside to go to the bathroom for potty training? Are you supposed to bring every child inside?
I understand being safe - but we are bordering on the edge of paranoid. What incident or situations caused these fears to begin with? Before kids, was he just as protective about you when you were out shopping alone? Could you have been carjacked?
You need to put some assurance in the hands of a being bigger than us -whether that is God or something else - you need to live your life.
Maybe share a little less - I assume you are home full-time? How active is he in sharing the parenting responsibilities when he gets home from work?
Have you tried sitting him down and literally asking him if he trusts you with your own children? My father-in-law used to remind me on our visits to cut my kids food up small enough. He never said it in a way that was demeaning, but part of me always wondered if he was amazed they were still alive on our visits if I needed reminding about cutting their food up. :)
On the flip side, my husband is more protective of our kids than I am. I let them talk to people in the grocery line and just the other day he gave someone such a scowl (I didn't see it) that she clammed up and was apologizing to me quite forcefully and quietly when she checked out for even talking to the kids. I had no idea why she was so upset until my husband said he glared at her because he didn't like the way she was talking to the kids. I am also usually less concerned if I pick them up and they have bruises and scratches from playing outside at our friends', or if the friends' kids have given them the scratches. Just today my 3 1/2 year old was trying to play with my neighbor's very small dog and being nice at first, but got too hyper and hurt the dog enough that the dog snapped at his hand. He got some teeth bruises and was briefly upset but I made him "apologize" to the dog (who was more than happy to be cuddled, just didn't want to be tortured). My husband was much more upset when I mentioned it to him over the phone that a dog had bitten him, regardless of whose fault it was or the fact that he really wasn't even hurt.
I think men do not like to feel helpless, and perhaps even some of things they worry more about were not instinctive to them but were learned, so they want to make sure we know them too. Moms do more things instinctively. My husband might have to remind someone to put sunscreen on the kids in the morning since I used to have to remind him incessantly. I just put it on them every day before I put their clothes on. I think his protectiveness is fairly normal, but he needs to tone it down a bit. If he is not comfortable with your gym's child care, he could try going sometime and meeting the caregivers and looking around the area, seeing what their security procedures are, etc. My husband has never been comfortable with a babysitter I did not know as a friend first or who is not a family member, but he's eased up a bit with people who have come highly recommended.
I don't know what kind of area you live in, but we always take the kids into the house one at a time, or leave them in the car while we unload groceries. We are in a safe area and I have never minded doing that.
You might feel better if you sit him down and talk about things. Tell him you feel like he doesn't trust you, but you want to make sure that his fears are laid to rest, too. Explain to him that you do have a certain amount of common sense and concern for your children's safety. See if he wants to give you a day off and take them all on an outing on his own if he doesn't usually do that. My husband has gotten quite good at taking our kids everywhere since he is home most days and works evenings. I'm always amazed at how many places he'll take them without being too worried. Good luck.
Hi Mommy G,
I have the same DH!
I know he means well but his coments hurt me at times! What does he mean? That I am trying to hurt my kids? Ignorant of danger or an enemy to my kids?
I try to tell him that I do the best I can under the sircumstanecs. I remind him that I am an equal parent not a hired help to bass around, and if he is at any time not happy about the care his kids getting I can gladly switch places with him :)
Another thing, make sure his outbursts of blame are not if front of the kids! They do not need to grow up thinking that mommy does not love them or care for them!
Good luck! I feel your frustration!
