Husband Now Just a Depressed Roommate

You might try reading the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It might provide some insight. If nothing else it is a good read. The movie Fireproof is good too. Hope things get better.

Have you ever listened to Dr Laura? I know, MANY people oppose her, but I think most people do because they don't want the truth in their lives and they don't want to work at something they can actually have control over. My suggestion is to find her station and start listening. I would also suggest you getting her 2 books, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands & The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.
She is hard to swallow at first and many ideas and thoughts we have been given on life, marriage and being a woman are put to the test with listening to her, but listen and try what she tells others. I've tried many tactics and let me tell you..they work! Most people do not realize the power they have over themselves or others in their lives (power in a good way)so they go through life thinking, "This is how it is, there is nothing I can do about it" and that's not true. She can help you to become a stronger woman, a better wife and lover and a great mother.
I've been married going on 13 years, been with my hubby for 18 (since highschool)and we have a 4 1/2 year old...I've tried things and they have worked. Of course I still struggle with some of my own tendencies to be self sufficient, but when I let my husband be a man and my husband, he responds to quickly and we are all happy.
Give her a shot...her books are great.

It sounds like he may be battling depression. Especially since he didnt use to be this way. Depression can cause all those physical symptoms you mentioned, and the decreased sex drive. So as opposed to being lazy or selfish about only feeling good when it's something for him, it could be an actual pain or exhaustion that he thinks is real. To him it's totally real. Of course his mood and therefore his body will feel better when it is something he is excited about.

I have battled depression a few times over the years, and know others who have too. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It may not have anything to do with stuff going on in his life, so remember that it has nothing to do with you. It is his problem, but of course you get to feel all the effects too. I would really encourage him to seek help, insurance or not. It is hard to be a functioning person with depression that isnt acknowledged or treated, and it could just keep getting worse. It is hard to take that first step, and he will probably be stubborn about it. But to that I would say isn't it a good thing to know there is a reason for the way for you feel, and an easy way to feel good again?

For your whole family's sake, you really need to encourage him to get help and see if this is his problem. You have a kid who needs his dad, and you need your husband. And it sounds like there is a great guy in there somewhere if he just find him again. I wish you the best!

Why don't you share your Mamasource note with him? Might open the door to some communication about your feelings at least...
Good luck to you!

Sounds kinda like my husband. There may be some underlying health issues, and remember -- you are what you eat, so if you've been eating junk, well... Check out "The Blood Type Diet" (http://www.dadamo.com), and you may be surprised at how good simple dietary changes can make you feel. My husband is Type O, & eating foods like wheat, corn, coffee, and dairy products put him in a funk -- make him tired, angry, grumpy -- you name it.

It's also pretty normal for guys to have a drop in testosterone as they reach middle age, so that may have something to do with the less interest in sex.

My husband also has candida (here's an easy test: http://www.adhdrelief.com/CandidaTest.html), which can manifest the symptoms you're describing as well. It can be controlled by dietary changes (especially eliminating products that use yeast [breads, etc.] and sugar [since yeasts feed on sugar], and most notably, alcoholic beverages -- full of yeast and sugar), but I've heard good stuff about supplements. Candida is a yeast infection, but it's more an intestinal thing than necessarily a vaginal yeast infection. However, my neighbor was having continuous vaginal yeast infections that turned out to be candida, and she finally said, "I've *had* it!" and got a book and took all the supplements and did all the recommendations, and for the first time in years stopped her yeast infections. Of course, it doesn't present that way in men, so you may not be able to tell so visibly, but he'll probably feel better, after the initial die-off.

Of course, your husband may just be lazy, and this won't necessarily help with that. ;-) In that case, remember, "you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" -- be nice to him and do things for him, and eventually he will respond if you don't give up. Do things for yourself to make you feel good, and it will radiate to your outside, and make you more attractive to him. That's always a good thing. If you weren't married to him, and were trying to attract him, what would you change about yourself? Well, do that even though you are married to him!

It sounds like your husband may actually just be suffering from depression. It can cause all of the types of behaviors, as well as aches and pains, that you have mentioned. I suggest you research clinical depression and see if you can find answers and possibly solutions that will help you out. My mother-in-law and my father both suffer from forms of depression that really kicked in at middle age. My mother-in-law's is very severe, my father's is mild. Your husband sounds a lot like my mother-in-law, who sees the worst in everything and everyone and can't seem to do anything productive but has no trouble doing what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I can't tell you what the best approach is for your family, but I hope that you can figure out what's going on so you can get back the husband you married. Good luck to you!

Sorry to hear this. The only thing I can shed some light on is the random abdominal and shoulder pain. There is a nerve pathway the connects the two and for some people, when the stomach hurts, so does a shoulder. Its a referred pain and this happens to me (thats how I know). I think he should see a therapist for the other problems, personally. Hope things get better for you and your marriage.

I cannot reccomend the book Love & Respect enough! It has done wonders in my marriage. The author has an excellent philosophy on marriages and great ideas for energizing your spouse! Good luck to you!

Perhaps you could contact Duke or UNC for an appointment. They both have financial hardship programs that would help cover the cost of a definitive diagnosis, since that seems to be hubby's excuse. Also, mental health care is available in most counties in NC without insurance. Maybe it would help him to talk to someone. Perhaps you could both start a healthy eating plan, which would help with the extra fat. I think if you take away his excuses, and maybe throw in a hot date night (on the cheap or free), and you can refind what brought you together in the first place.

Sweetheart, My heart goes out to you... my first marriage -- we met and married in college and were married for 10 years, together for 13 -- ended in divorce because I just got so tired of trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband... and he sounded a lot like how you have described yours... nothing we did helped... marriage therapy, trying to get him to go to any church or community type things...etc. etc. I really wanted children and he kept saying we needed to wait for various reasons. At 38, I finally gave up. I filed for divorce, actually trying one last thing to light a fire in him again... He went one and remarried within a year and had a child with his new wife...

I got on with my life and was and am a much happier person. "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again" as the old song says.

I met my "soul mate" at 42 got remarried and had my first child at 43 and am pregnant again at 46. I am happier with my life than ever before. My husband and I are "older" parents, but we are having the time of our lives and loving every minute of it. Sure, it's hard, but it is so worth it when your spouse values and loves and respects you... and vice versa.

I wish you well, darling. Maybe divorce is the answer and maybe not. If you don't try all the necessary steps to get there you may regret your choice for your self and your child. Be well and may Love guide you!
L.

It sounds as if your husband is a 'sanguine' personality (and I am, too), and he's depressed (I was too). This is the WORST when someone with the 'fun' personality can't 'feel' happy about anything! A bunch of things happened in 2004 (daughter lost a baby, dad died, we moved -- the first time in my LIFE to move from my homeplace [and with bills to match. We'd pretty much had a 'free' house], I lost my livelihood [was a vacuum cleaner salesperson and just couldn't be cheery enough to sell any], etc).

I was depressed until this spring. I started taking female hormone replacement therapy, and the depression 'magically' (miraculously) vanished. He needs a good, thorough physical check-up (and a lot of prayers). He wouldn't be like this if he had a choice, I guarantee you! Check into some government programs (DHHR) to see if he could get some help with medical care. There are also clinics that charge you according to your income (sliding fee scales or something like that). If his teeth are bad, that can make you feel bad all over. Of course he needs to eat well (lots of fruits and veggies and NOT alot of pop, kool-aid, sweetened cereals, etc) and get regular exercise. He could have diabetes, high blood pressure, low thyroid (and that's a depressant in and of itsself) and any or several of a host of other health problems. Whatever it takes, get him checked out!

We'll be praying for you and him!

First, have you had a frank discussion with your hubby to tell him how you feel? No judgement, just love and frank honesty.
Secondly, this is not a diagnosis, but it sounds like there is nothing seriously wrong with your husband that some pro-active steps towards wellness can not take care of.
Is he, or you, getting any exercise? I understand that it can seem tough to work into a busy schedule, but it does wonders for digestion, mood, stress relief and weight. You do not have to enroll in a gym. Find a place outside your door where you can take 30-60 minute walks. Do it as a family if you can. It will help you to reconnect and bond together, and maybe burn off some of your child's energy. Think of other physical activities you might enjoy as a family or a couple.
There are a variety supplements you can take to help address your issues. For a free nutra-physical, to take the confusion out and guide you to a customized solution, go to http://www.marketamerica.com/esses/index.cfm?action=servi...
I wish you the best. I have been in your shoes. I am a certified wellness consultant, so if I can help you further, please let me know. If you take the nutra-physical, my consultations are free.

Let him read this! I think you poored your heart out here, and he should know these things. Have you tried date night? Get a sitter and go out and remind yourselves why you are together. What brought you together and how it can be again. Nothing worse than being alone with someone beside you. Not trying to be cloudy, but are you sure there isnt someone else?? He has signs of an affair going on. Been there, done that,and it is horrible feeling. Men want sex, and if you havent had it in 1o months, I would think he has! Women survive it longer. When these signs start happening, beware. Talk, dont argue, try to do it without your child around. They get affected by that too. Good luck and God Bless.

Encourage your husband to get a complete physical and tell the doctor the symptoms he is experiencing. If you can arrange a time to go with him to describe the symptoms that would be even better.

You need to open the lines of communication with him. Sit down and talk about the household duties,money, health issues and sex. I have a friends who are missionaries with Family Life. This deals with marriage. She gave me CD's to listen too. One was for wives, the other for husbands. There was a very strong message to respect your husband. Never disrespect in front of others. The wife one the encouraged the sexual part of marriage to be the first thing you change. Of course you need a willing partner. If you show the respect first and encouraging words about worth hopefully he will be more willing to do things. It could also be depression on his part. Depression is a medical condition. I understand money is an obstacle. If you belong to a church would he be willing to talk to the minister. Some people just need to talk through things and be able to vent with hurting someone's feelings. I hope these things help.

There might be any number of underlying medical conditions. For instance, frequent use of antihistamines have been known to cause these symptoms. Celiac's Disease can cause depression, abdominal pain, and weight gain. Encourage him to make an appointment for a check-up with a trusted or well recommended family doctor.

The doctor might want to know his diet and exercise, thoughts and feelings, blood work will be ordered. Schedule the appointment and go with him. Encourage him to write down observations and questions before he goes.

Hang in there.

Hi S.! Hope this will help some. I kinda know what you are going through.I haven,t been married sinced 88 and miss all of that. I to go through stages, but besided medicine God gives me strength and conforts me. He will heal your husband emotionally and physically. He may have to change some of the food he eat as well as slow down working so hard. Tell him it.s burning you and try to stay in the Present of God as much as possible. If you can afford it you may try to get someone to come in two or three times to help you , and you and him go out ad do something alone.God Bless.

S.,
My heart goes out to you! My husband and I have been married for 13.5 years. We dated for 4 years before that. I know first hand how you can get into a rut. That being said, it sounds like your husband has a case of the blah's. It seems as if he's struggling with his body image. He doesn't feel attractive, so he doesn't want to be intimate. I can relate to that. I'm sure you can, too. When we as women don't feel pretty or sexy, we tend to keep our husbands at arm's distance. If we do get intimate, we make sure the lights are out, right? What I would recommend is taking the family out for evening walks to lose some of those stubborn pounds. Exercise is great for boosting energy levels and trimming down excess weight. If he feels better about how he looks, he'll be willing to have 'fun time' with you.

He's showing signs of depression. Body aches and pains are classic symptoms. Do some research and find him a doctor he can talk to...maybe a clinic? Depression left untreated can only get worse. It sounds as if he used to be full of life, friendly and loving. Help him get back to the real person he is. It may be as simple as a pill a day. Please convince him to see someone.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel without pointing fingers. Let him know how tired you are and ask what you can do to help. Let him express how he's feeling without any judgement, so he can be totally honest.

For fun, I highly recommend going to your local adult novelty store. Leave your child with a sitter for a couple of hours so you can browse the fun toys, lotions, lingerie and movies together. It's really fun to go in there with a sense of humor. Who knows? Maybe you'll find something interesting to take home and try out! It's worth a shot, girl! I'm sure you two will get through this just fine. Hope and patience are key. Good luck to you!

Please give me a call at ###-###-####. I know of something that will help your spouse. J. Sorensen

sounds like classic depression- go for a walk as a family. it's free and helps to get out of the funk.