Husband Never Home

start planning something, like a trip to the park and send him a personal invite and constant reminders. Or, something I tried with my husband when he was always forgetting to tell me about late business meetings, when he got home, I was not there. I took the kid and spent the night at a friends house or went to visit my parents or something like that. If he ask why I didn't tell him. I would simply say, you werent around or you were having some fun so I took the kids to have some

Hi S.,I'm so happy that your getting a degree for your future, your request does sadden me because I know your pain just like if it were my life too. My husband is almost the same unfortunately I have stuck it out and regret having done so and I feel I'm to old to do anything now because of course that's what he tells me "that I'm old"," what am I going to do, I don't have a job, how am I going to surive out in the real world" yes, he is mentally abusive he's been an alright provider but he's never really been there for my children even when we adopted his sisters daughters' children, he promise to help me with them but he has never been around to help me with all the problems these children came with,their temper tantrums and all kinds of emotional problems, I have dealt with all that by myself and I am drained.So my advice to you is to get your education and then do what you have to do to make yourself happy because obviously he's staying away for a reason that doesn't make any sense at all, my husband still, till this day stays away from the house and when he comes home he digs his head in his sports and when he go to bed he put on his ear phones to listen(he tells me) to a talk show at night, and falls to sleep that way every night I mean every night and I hate it,I have told him how I feel but it goes in one ear out the other, My husband goes to the gym every day unless the spurs are playing then he put his head into the tv and in the early stages of our marriage he would leave to play basketball it seems like it was always something just to be away from me or the children, who knows? What I am trying to let you see is that it will never change if he's acting like that now he will always be that way I really don't know why I stuck it out but let me just tell you this that now my older daughters are following my same steps and I don't even have the guts to tell them not to take it because they will look at me and say why did you take it and that hurts me more then anything is to see them following my footsteps when they shouldn't have to. That's what you should look at,because your children are young now but when they grow up that's when they will think it's okay Mom took it we should too. They don't need that kind of treatment and be so unhappy for the rest of their lives ,my life with my husband has survive because God has given me the strength to go on but deep inside I'm not happy and that's all I have to tell you,I'm real sorry, but that's the truth of my life, God Bless You and your children and I hope your life isn't like mine.I really wish you the best in life because you deserve it,ask God to walk with you and to hold your hand in your journey with your children.In God's name we pray.

Dear S.,
I was watching a TV news program just yesterday and there was a lady telling 7 steps to turbocharge your marriage. Since I am looking for that kind of information, I wrote it down. #1:
Look over your early photo albums when your were first married and so in love remembering the happy,loving times;#2: Celebrate your spouse's success..even overdo it..make a big deal over it,everyone needs boosts to their confidence;#3:Take a walk and talk weekly away from the house and just talk about things normally that are going on;#4:Go on Dates ! Do exciting things like rock climbing, or anything to get the adrenaline rushing and things will happen in your sex life,too;#5: Touch more often, a hand on the back,etc.;#6:Act like you are having an affair with your spouse...like a secret lover.Send notes by email,etc, but of course let him know they are from you;#7 Do funny things like give him a booklet of free passes for a foot massage,make up your own. "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT CAN REKINDLE YOUR HONEYMOON LOVE ...IT'S ALL UP TO YOU."

When we are so focused on the children, husbands find their own time filled with other things when we are so busy. The balance is different with everyone, but you were a wife before a mother, right ? I was taken aback by Dr. Phil's dedication of one of his books recently when I read it: " This book is dedicated with love and gratitude to my wife,
Robin,who never stopped being a wife even though she became a mother..." That said it all to me. I am going to try the 7 steps above starting next week, are you game ?
Love, Mama K.

PS We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary but I know I still have a lot to learn. Men are just so different !!

I agree with Amy S, but I don't know that I would be as nice about it. As far as my kids were concerned, they would think we were going on a trip but my husband would know I am gone and unless he changes I am not going back. At the very least we would have to agree to counseling. I don't believe kids need a parent that isn't there or isn't interested in them period. What is the point? In my opinion it only fosters feelings later in life for that child as to why was dad never home, why didn't dad do this or that. Maybe as a divorced dad it would force him to be a better dad and spend individual time with them when he has them.

Sometimes, I think we as parents sugar coat things too much for children. No, I wouldn't be harsh or ugly or anything like that but when the kids are adults and they have never been let down it is a hard blow for them because it will happen. Your boys are still young and if this is how dad is then they don't know any different. As they get older they are going to wonder why daddy isn't playing ball with them especially if they have friends where dad is more involved.

It is hard and I am not suggesting playing games, but sometimes you have to take drastic measures to get results. Either way it will answer your questions. Does dad freak out when the reality that his wife and kids aren't at home waiting for when he has time for them OR is dad relieved they're gone and mom has to move on to a new life for her and her boys?

Hang in there... Good luck!

Congrats on you getting your degree. You kids are so young and need their Dad. Why is your husband not bringing home money from working with his Dad. Do you ever call the shop to see if he is indeed working?

If he is going to be doing all the other fun stuff by himself maybe you should have him stay with the kids more while you go shop alone or go have dinner with friends. Your husband sounds very selfish. Try to find a friend who can babysit this weekend and go out on a date with him. If he is clearly not into having a good time with you then you may have a huge problem on your hands. Sorry you are having this issue. I hope you know he loves his kids he just needs to connect with them NOW and reconnect with you!

Its several things I believe in and one is the power of GOD. Pray and be into your kids activities. Leave your husband to GOD. You are going in the right direction with your life calling it your own by getting a degree. Now share some of your time with your kids and your husband will wake up one day and wonder where is my family?

My guess is that your husband is finding ways to avoid being at home, hopefully it is not another person taking his attention away from his family. My husband has a job that takes him out of town, but if I need him, he arranges to be home. When he was in his first marriage, even though they had a child, he could not stand to be in the house with her so he would stay out of town even when there was no need for him to just to avoid being home. They divorced after only 2.5 years of marriage which was probably longer than it should have lasted.

I'm not saying your husband doesn't love you, is cheating on you, etc, i don't know his heart. I"m just making an observation based on the behavior you describe. What I see is a man who is finding various ways to escape and avoid being at home with his family. If telling him how you feel and are hurting doesn't matter to him, then you might have a bigger issue than just him not being home. Have you dropped in on him at his dad's shop to make sure he is really there? Like I said, I'm not saying anything is happening, but if I were you, I would start paying alot closer attention to what he's doing and where he is to make sure he doesn't have someone on the side.

Re: his relationship with his kids, that is really sad. you're goign to have to give them enough love and attention for both of you since he is not stepping up to the plate.

I know it may sound strange or a little toooo easy but you may try to put your oldest in a sport that your husband likes. That may get him involed with your oldest and may lead to him spending more time with your family. If that doesnt work then you may have found one of those dads that like/love the older kids more. Meaning his not to sure what to do with the kids around the ages of 0-10. My dad was the same way but different. I didnt have a dad any more after the are of 12 since he didnt know what to do with me. He was around and all but he just didnt know what to do, he stayed in the back ground and hes still there some where.

Your husband deals with older kids during the day so that maybe where he is comfortable "with the older kids". If you cant handle this than you may try to find a way out after you complete your schooling, you may also see a change out of your husband after you are done with your school and start working.

I wish you the best of luck

Chances are there are issues he is trying to avoid. Have you tried asking him out on a date? It is best to quit bringing up the subject. Try reverse pschyology: Start thanking him for what he does for the family and for the extra hours he spends trying to make money (even though you don't believe his story). Act as if nothing he does bothers you and then, make yourself not so available in the evenings. Take the kids out for early evening dates. Maybe, he'll begin to wonder where you are going and start to think it really doesn't matter to you. Bite your tongue and try some honey.
Also, if you get involved in the evenings with the boys, you'll soon forget about him and it won't bother you as much.
Also, getting a babysitter and asking a friend to the movies or dinner would be helpful too at times. In other words, live your own life and maybe, he will decide to join it.

PRAY! but don't give up depending his age it may be just a stage he's going through. I say stay (if the love is there) and get some things to occupy you and the boys time where he's looking for ya'll instead of ya'll sitting around looking for him...show him how it feels to wait and wonder. If you are going to leave, plan it. Don't just act on feelings and emotions because things change. Use your brain and wait until you get your money right. Graduate, get a job, then reeavaluate the situation. Steady income gives you more choices and will make a world of difference while in transition.

First, bless your heart and congrats on the schooling. Its not easy when the husband is OUT- OF- Touch with his family. When you put forth the ALL effort in your relationship, with him and the boys and/or for you two. Seems one sided, and totaly UNFAIR to you.
~Were it me I would, take my boys and go on a mini vacation, leaving him no contact info. I would however leave a letter letting him know how you feel & how you feel relationship with him has lost its spark and your lonely and how the relationship he has with his boys isn't fair to them, tell him how much you love him and you'll see him later. >:)~
If you have a supportive group of friends and family you should never feel STUCK. Don't be afraid of being your own woman and taking charge of your life. And yeah, you can have people helping you out at times but you are the only one that knows whats best for you & the boys and you need to take charge of it!
Unless you make excuses for your husband, your boys will see their relationship for what it is. (PLEASE don't do that its a big mistake that i made and my girls put their dad on a pedistal and he can do no wrong) Have them ask him why he wont spend time with them.
Enjoy your time with your boys and plan activities with them, include your husband and let him know this is the plan and if he wants to join in great but if not then its his loss. And live life, raise your boys to the best of your ability. Instill love and connection as a big part of life that way they will strive to be better, and when they have kids they will be more involved with them. I know this is alot ON you but they need the unconditional love of atleast one parent and it seems your the one for that job.
Good luck!!
A.

Don't leave him over this. Don't nag him. Fight to keep your family together as much as possible. Make him want to be there with you. You know how to get his attention. You know how to make a home that he wants to come home to. Humble yourself enough to not accuse him or blame him even when he is in the wrong (which he is). Have FUN with your kids, even when he's not there. A lady once said that if you leave him over something like this, then you will struggle financially and have the kids. He will probably remarry and have a nice income and spoil the kids like crazy when he gets them, or not. Either way, you will encounter problems with his new spouse. The kids will play you against them with the different rules in the households. Or, he will truly be out of their life and you will truly be alone. Stick it out. You married him for a reason. Try and remember those reasons daily. I know it's hard...believe me I understand. He will most likely come around. Some men don't handle little kids very well. He may be awesome when their older. If you leave him, you may be denying them that opportunity. Be patient. Keep communicating with him, without accusing or nagging. Make your home a haven that he longs for. Fight for your man, don't give up on him in your moment of weakness and desperation. You're tired, I understand. You'll be more tired if you leave him. But something's going on with your husband as well. Pray to the Lord for strength. Vent with someone trustworthy so that you're not apt to take it out on your husband. He's probably just not telling you what's really going on inside and may be ashamed to say it or maybe he doesn't even know. You know where he is. He's not out with someone else. Don't divorce him over this. This too shall pass. It's hard advice, I don't like telling myself this...but chin up.