My husband is moving out of our house and into a nearby apartment in the next week or so. My son is 4 years old, and I am wondering what and how we should tell him. My husband printed out some advice that he looked up on line, and it was all about having this big family conference and explaining what's going to happen and how we both still love him, etc. And I just feel like maybe that's too much.
My son is young enough that a part of me thinks that it will only be a big deal to him if *we* make it a big deal. He has gone through transitions that I thought would be painful for him without even a blink. He's graduated from preschool classes and seen beloved teachers and friends fall away, and he never ever talked about them. My husband left on a trip for five days back in February, and it wasn't until the very last day that my son even asked where he was.
We are hoping to make this transition somewhat gradual anyway. The kids will live with me in our current house, and their father will visit them often. We don't expect the kids to spend the night with him for quite a while. Since I am a SAHM, practically speaking, very little will change for them. Their dad won't come home every day after work, and he won't be there when they wake in the morning. But I expect they will spend most of the weekends with him and at least a couple of evenings a week. My husband and I don't hate each other (yet - I guess we'll see how this all goes), so I'm hopeful we can keep it civil in front of our children.
Obviously, I'm going to be paying very close attention to how my son is doing with all this, but I'm just wondering how people in similar situations have handled at least the initial discussions about where Daddy is going and why he is leaving.
Thanks in advance!
Edited to add: I don't think my son is emotionally shut off at all. In fact, it's almost the opposite. He definitely lets us know if he is upset by anything. So the fact that he hasn't verbalized being upset by not seeing teachers or friends tells me that he truly isn't fazed by it. As my son has gotten older, he has mentioned that he misses friends who have moved away, but he doesn't dwell on it even after we do the grand farewells. I think such things tend to be harder on us adults because we have a better understanding about how permanent each goodbye can really be. A friend of mine who is a child psychologist had told me that when it came to his early preschool classes, it really wouldn't be a big deal to him to leave them, because he still has the stable constant of me with him all the time. She said that at his age not seeing certain people anymore is akin to going on a vacation for awhile and then coming back home. As long as I'm there, he'd feel secure. Obviously, I know this is a different situation - his father is of course part of what he considers "home." But I'm hoping that we can make this process gradual enough that it's not super traumatic.
@ Momma L - When my husband left on his trip, we told my son that he would be leaving for a few days, where he was going, etc. My husband was very emotional saying goodbye to him at the time. So it was kind of a Big Deal. I thought for sure my son would ask about him, say he misses him, but he never did. He spoke to him on the telephone at least once every day, but that's because we initiated it. My son never asked about him and almost just didn't really seem to notice that he was gone. I guess I brought it up to show that he really just kind of rolled with it, and I feel that he might kind of do the same with this. If that is the case this time, I'd rather not make a big deal of it, because, unlike with the trip, I can't promise that his dad will come back home and everything will be the same as it was.
@ Carrie S. - My other child is 1. And just to clarify, I do expect that this will affect my children in ways I can't even predict, but I guess I'm wondering if preemptively assuming that it's going to be a HUGE deal for them isn't going to end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thanks for all your advice. I think I'm mostly going to play it by ear and pay close attention to how he is doing. I'm hopeful that this process will be similar to him graduating his preschool class. Do others really think it's so strange that he doesn't mourn his teachers and classmates while we're on summer break? We have a series of distracting events that coincide with his dad's moving out, so hopefully those will help ease the transition. And truly, not much will really change in the short-term for him as far as time with his dad. Thankfully, I think I'm pretty attuned to my son's emotions, so I hope I'll be able to provide him the support and reassurance he needs as we go through this together.
It sounds to me like you have everything under control! Remember he is 4 and can't handle or understand adult situations. Answer his questions on a 4 y/o level and you don't need a family meeting too much for him. Just do what you are doing and keep as normal and usual as you can.........things will be fine.
UGH! This is such a crappy situation for you all to be in! If it were 2 years ago...another story! I have a hubby who travels all over the world and the boys are just realizing this now (they are 3 1/2). They say "goodbye" to daddy and we just leave it at that. If they question, we call him on the phone. At least they can speak to him! As for the "why", well, school will be starting up again soon and they do not need to know the real truth yet.
Sorry for your heartache!
Your son sounds like a trooper!
The conference things is wise only in that your son will see you and your husband explaining the "new world order." Keep it very simple: Daddy is not going to be living with us but we both love you very much. Daddy will see you at such and such times and we both love you very much. Daddy leaving is NOT YOUR FAULT and we love you very much." Ask him if he has questions, answer them simply (I don't know is actually a good answer if you really don't know), end the meeting and move on.
Your son will pick up his "how to react" cues from you. Make sure you handle this with aplomb and dignity and so will he.
As the child of multiple divorces, here's a few longer term thoughts...
1. Never trash talk your husband around your children. That's more unsettling than him leaving.
2. Never promise something you can't deliver. "I'm sure Daddy will..." sets everybody up for anger and resentment, if Daddy can't do what you promised (and vice versa).
3. If at all possible, avoid the revolving door. If your husband is leaving, your relationship is OVER. If there's any chance of saving it, please reconsider his moving out. If he leaves and returns, make sure it's for good. It is so unfair to teach your son that problems in relationships are solved by leaving and coming back. Can you think of any girlfriend of your son's (when he gets old enough) who would put up with that? What would you think of such a girl?
4. Don't make excuses for your husband. If he breaks visitation or promises, don't "explain it away." That's your husband's job. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. It's heartbreaking but true. Be honest in a non-judgmental way. For example, "But, mommy, this is the 3rd weekend in a row Daddy was too busy for us. Doesn't he love us anymore?" "Yes, sweetie, he does. I have no idea why he acts this way. Why don't you ask him when you see him next?" My husband worked insane hours when my kids were little, which only changed recently. Now, as teens, my sons are skeptical that my husband will actually join us for family activities. My husband once chided me for not "covering for him." I gave my beloved husband a big hug and told him that HE acted this way, now HE can fix it (plus I warned him of my intentions when the kids were born). My husband learned a valuable lesson almost too late.
Good luck!
My soon to be ex moved out about a month ago. What we did was try to make things exciting for my son (3). Visiting daddy's new house is cool!
I personally don't like the "it's not your fault, we still love you" thing because just saying it puts the doubts in his mind. In his mind of course we will always love him and it would never occur to him that it would be his fault at this age!!
Personally it sounds like you're doing great to me, but maybe that's because I could've written the post.
Oh, and another benefit, I think is that at this age, I think my son at least is too young to know any different, you know?
Good luck!
wow. so sorry!!! first, I just want to say that from the way your post is written and the way you are describing the situation makes it seem that, for what it is, it will be a healthy transition. I think that sitting down with him as a family is a good idea and just put it into words that he will understand. maybe talk to friends or family who had to do this??? it sounds like you are trying to keep him in a safe and loving environment. I applaud you for putting your sons interests first!!
Hi Jae,
I am sorry you are going through this. My advice to you is, if you do decide to tell him anything----make sure you tell him its NOT his fault!!! Most kids automatically blame themselves for these things and it really hurts them in childhood and throughout their life. Make sure he knows that there is nothing he could have done or should have done to change the circumstances. Let him know you both love him exactly the same and nothing has changed there. Let him have his feelings--however he feels-it should be ok with you for him to express himself. GL
M
My concern reading this is: that your son goes through things, without a blink.
And he never, talks about anything.
This to me, is something to watch.
He is not expressing things.... or is simply as a young child, just numbing himself against being emotionally affected/hurt.
But at some point... keeping things internalized... and pent-up... can also harm a child, internally.
At the least, probably child counseling may help.
Just because a person keeps things internalized and does not talk about it nor even seem to blink about it... this does not always mean, they are hunky-dory.
Emotions in a child this age... is still forming and is not fully developed yet.
Nor are their coping-skills. Nor their self-management of their emotions.
And many times, a child this age cannot express themselves.
I think i would probably let his daddy have the big meeting, but you don't have to say much, let him (dad) do the talking and deal with any reaction. I"m guesing your son won't be too phased by it and won't give dad the satisfaction of a big reaction. and the evil part of me would be glad of that.
But i'll be interested to see what others have to say about this.
My first piece of advice is too say NOTHING!! You need to be 100% sure that your husband and you are over. If you are 100% sure, re-check and check it again, I have gone through this before and it was heart breaking for my kids. Whether or not he is showing it, I'm sure your son understands that daddy won't be living with us anymore. If you truly are sure, then you need to tell him. Both of you need to sit down and explain that to him. And YES.. explaining it in a way that he can understand it is important. Making sure that he knows u both love him is just as important. This is gonna be hard for him, but I would talk with him and get him to talk abt it. Hope that helps!
I think your husband is right. Sit the kids down, tell them you and daddy are going to go on a break for a while while he gets a new place to stay, and they will be able to visit there very soon, but dad will still be around after work. Make sure they know it isn't any of the children's fault and mom and dad still love them.
Also, just because your son doesn't verbally communicate about friends moving away or other changes doesn't mean he isn't internalizing it or bothered by those events. In fact, as a parent, this would actually worry me and I think you need to watch that and encourage your son to talk about these things. He could be bottling up those emotions and numbing or even blaming himself, which isn't healthy. Supressing emotions isn't a good thing. Why was your husband gone on a trip for 5 days and your son was not told where he was from the very beginning? You all need to work on communicating these things with your family, even the young children are old enough to grasp these concepts.
My son is 4 and he picks up on everything. I am sure your son understands more than you think. I probably wouldn't have a sit down family meeting, but I would talk it up like an exciting change. My son LOVES sleep overs. I would make it sound like daddy has a cool exciting new place to spend the night. Let him pick out some new toys to have just at daddy's house. If he has a room at the apartment, let your son help decorate it.
Even as a roll with the punches kind of kid, I would not assume that it will not effect him. I think telling the "new world order" and how things will work, is very wise.
Also, I am a little confused, as you are asking about your 4 year old son, but then you talk about the "kids" living with you...and seeing dad on the weekend. Are there other kids?
