Husband Is a Grouch on holidays...help!

Wow.
He is doing this because he is very unhappy.
Can you get hiim to go to marriage counseling with you?

My dad used to do this when I was growing up. None of us understood and it made my mom crazy. The reason was very easy, he was incredibly unhappy.
The holidays magnified his feelings and he just wanted to be miserable. The holidays are a joy for him now and we have a great time. He is very happy now and feels terribly, for how he acted when we were little. He said, he just hated the holidays, that he couldn't feel happy.

I"m not saying this is your husband. There is a possibility, he could feel isolated and unhappy. It's not your fault, no. But, he did marry you and leave his family. HIS choice, but he might not have understood the magnitude of that choice, until everything was done. I'm not all that sure, how you could handle that. Maybe, have a frank talk with him. Tell him you REALLY want to know how he feels and if he's hurting. Getting it out might help and then you could proceed from there. He might need a little counseling, to wade through his feelings. He needs to open up to you and figure out why he isn't doing that already.

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My husband who grew up around here and has always had some family near by always got grouchy around the holidays too. I think it was a lot of things, the stress, the memories, the busy-ness of me and the kids, and probably my expectations on him. I think this is more profound when the kids are small becuase as the mom you need to get things done - and want to / need to rely on him to help with the kids - so he feels extra pressure. One year after the holidays we had a long talk (while out to dinner, or out for a walk, or after sex, not sure when - but at a time when he was not on the defense). He couldn't really identify why he felt the way he did but he didn't feel the joy of the holidays that I did. As I said - a combination of things. I know his family was more disfunctional than most (mine was too but differently) and I think he had lots of negative emotions surrounding the holiday based on how things went with his family. It probably also had to do with the finances of the whole thing - it's an expensive time of year...

Now that our kdis are 11 & 14 and we've built our own traditions, and he now has positive emotions and memories around the holidays based on our little family, he's much more fun to have around. He still gets a little cranky but much much less. I have also improved my communicationas about what I expect of him - we talk on Friday nights about what's on schedule for the weekend - when I need him to do things, what he's got to get done. He now knows the things that have to be done before company comes - so I don't have to "nag" him - he does it before I even ask him.

I think it will get better as the years go by and your little family's traditions become his memories. Just try to tell him what your goals are for your little family - the kind of memories you're building, etc. Remember - things don't need to be magazine perfect - they need to be yours. (As a kid my family had some very lean years - but we had fabulous memories and lots of love - even though we had very little and even fewer gifts under the tree.) As he and your family grows up things will get better.

Men see the holidays as a money pit and another bunch of visits from people that you don't normally deal with. Wife is running through the house shouting out orders to hubby to get things prepped. I agree with Gma T, if YOU stress out, change, and get all crazy---- HE most likely sees the holidays as a big intrusion. Many men need you to just keep them at arms length while you prepare. Just asking my husband to get the Christmas lights out of the trunk turned him crazy, lol. Just be covert and keep him posted, and don't ask him to do anything that he wouldnt normally have to do..... and he will have to make up some holiday drama on his own without your help.

If he's only grouchy during the holidays then so be it. You won't change him so don't try. He gets your "attention" when he decides to do this. You ALREADY know that he's this way so don't buy into it. Just do your decorating and shopping with your kids and dont EXPECT anything from him.... just ignore him and realize that he is a "non participator". Once you stop TRYING to make him enjoy it, he just might "start" enjoying it. Just be your cheerful, decorating self, do what YOU want to do. Sometimes "actions" speak louder than words. Don't give him any reason to say "bah hum bug". Ignore him like you would a tantrum throwing child.
When you relieve yourself of HIS stress, you wil enjoy the holidays full force.
Mine gets grumpy too... they see the holidays a lot different than we do. If we get stressed out trying decorate things and shop and THEY SEE/FEEL THAT, then THAT makes them hate the holidays more (they think they need to fix us, or help us!), they take US seriously if they see us stressin to make things work. If you truly love the holidays and they dont stress you out, and he wont be stressed out either. Just make things work without him, do it cheerfully, and then watch the magic. He will change, trust me.

Let him be..You & your daughter go on do what you want leave him out of it maybe after a few times he'll wonder hmmm why am I not invited & why has my wife suddenly chnaged her planning around the holidays...It must be very diffucult for him not to have family around yes you are his wife but ciome on don't you want to be around family as well during these times
BTW i'm a grouch too around these times...But I don't wanna ruin it for my kids

you can't force him to cheer up. talk to him calmly (not when he's been grinching and your nerves are plucked!) and let him know he's welcome to participate or to follow through his stated desires and go off by himself, but not to grump around and ruin the day for everyone else.
then let him.
holidays are genuinely difficult for some folks.
then YOU go on and enjoy the festivities that you love and work hard to make wonderful.
khairete
S.

Sounds like my husband...I call him the grinch:)

Are you overdoing the holidays a little too much? The added stress only makes husbands like ours grouchier...

It sounds like it is a lonely time for him---could you include some traditions that he would find more meaningful to him as a Catholic from another country?

Talk with him about it --heart to heart about you can both negotiate diff holidays and give him some choice in what he is dragged out to do?

Agree with previous posts also "Cabin fever" can really get to men.. During the week they have a purpose.. during the holidays, sometimes we forget that all we are doing is asking men to help us do this or that or to fix this or that.. Then if you let them sit around and watch TV all day they can become morose..

Be sure to ask What HE would like to do.. My husband loves driving.. so we go on little road trips.. Sometimes, I make up excuses to go to a little town about 45 min to an hour away to look at something and then ask if he wants to stop for lunch..

Or I will ask if he wants to go for a beer at one of the local breweries.. We go and play Bananagrams or cards. Or my husband LOVES Costso, so I make up an excuse to go and let him wander around for along time while I check out what they have there..

Sometimes he just likes to ride his bike for hours. Or go to yard sales..

Let him have some time to himself if he wants.

Also men can be like 3 year olds.. They like to have a heads up..They do like for us to assume they are at our beck and call.. "Honey, at some point today, I need you to look a leak outside... Let me know when you are ready." "I need to go to Target and need your help picking out a gift for your mom. Do you want to go in 30 minutes or in an hour? Or is there a better time?"

Hang in there.. I knew a mom that was furious if her husband took a nap.. I asked "Why?" "She said because she never got to nap.. I told her to just take a nap.." She had never allowed herself to take a nap? This woman works 70 hours a week in a very stressful job.. She felt like it was a weakness to need a nap? I told her she deserved it..

It could be a number of reasons why he is behaving so miserably.

1) He probably misses his daughter so much every day of the year, but especially during the holidays, and so it makes him very sad and emotional.
2) He doesn't like spending time with your relatives!
3) He doesn't like how much money you are spending (if you are spending a lot of money, that is)

The solution? Just ask him! It doesn't seem like you have sat him down and plain out directly asked him. Just say, "I would love it if you could enjoy the holidays like I do. Is there a reason why you do not seem to enjoy the holidays, and if so, is there anything I can do to make it better for you?" You need to be nice and direct and he will have to give you a direct answer. Do not accept anything less than a direct answer from him.

Hi,

So sorry to hear he is like this. Since you know how he acts during the holidays-- see if you can work with him on it. You already expect him to be crabby so confront him and ask him what he doesn't like about the holidays and what you can do to help him have a better day etc. Maybe he is lonely underneath all the crabbiness and just needs to vent and tell you about it. Maybe not. Does he know how this affects you and your child? If not, tell him. He may benefit from knowing how you feel-- ask for what you need. If you need him to be nice and happy during the holidays-- then ask him for what you need.

It isn't your fault- but find out how you can come to a better solution together.

Molly

I have a very similar situation. Second marriage for both of us, we both have children (that at this point are all grown) and no children together. And at the holidays, I have the same feeling that he misses his kids. Even though they are not as far away as your husband's family, they spend most of the holiday with their mother, typically only giving him a couple of hours and we never know when that couple of hours is going to be. He is generally a very happy guy so if it's magnified depression during the holiday, then he's doing a marvelous job hiding it the rest of the year. It has been like this for 24 years so my advice is to address it somehow with him now so that you don't spend the next 20 some years having crappy holidays and if that doesn't work... then don't let your holiday happiness depend on his mood. You can explore some of the possibilities with him. Once a year is not very often to see his daughter, but it's got to be very expensive to go to Australia. Does he or can he do video conferencing with her to establish more of a bond? At some point, she will be old enough to travel here and spend an extended vacation with him. What time of year does he make the trip, should he do it closer to Christmas to try to be a part of her Christmas holidays some year? Can you invite his sister for the holdiays to give him something to look forward to? After you've had a conversation with him about what would make it better (and probably get nowhere) remember that this will impact your daughter, too. So make things as happy as you can for you and your daughter and don't try to make your holiday about making it all better for him...that's what sucks us in. Start some holiday traditions that just include you and your daughter without the grinch around...like going caroling with girlfriends and their kids, or a skating night, or midnight mass, or a shopping and wrapping day, or cookie night and also some traditions that are just about you (this is why I do Black Friday shopping because it's just my own holiday tradition). I am so sorry it is like this but we can't make it all better for other people. It will still bother you - it bothers me more some years than others - but you really have to try to make your own holiday way without him.Take care of you and your daughter and enjoy your holidays!

I don't know if you can change that type, but all you can do is try.

"Honey, it hurts my feelings when you don't seem to enjoy the holidays." And see what he says.

This type isn't easy to change, so it probably won't be a simple solution.

It sounds like he is depressed and probably needs counseling. In the meantime, your enjoyment of the holidays should not be tied to his behavior. So just go about your festivities, do the things you enjoy, and try to ignore him or plan to leave him out of it.

S.:

I am truly sorry you are going through this.

i've not read the other posts so please forgive me if I repeat.

1. He cannot control you - HE made choices. You do NOT have to let him ruin your time. That is a choice YOU make. If he wants to be alone - LET HIM. If he wants to sulk, LET HIM. DO NOT RUN AFTER HIM and try and console him.

2. Communication is key. If you want to work through this - you need to find out WHY he acts like this. Does he have a plan of action? Does he realize how he is behaving?

3. Do you over do it on the decorations? Is there something in every room? If not - then ask him what HE wants to do. Does he want to be involved? If not - then ask him NICELY to refrain from being a "Grinch". Bottom line. No ONE can steal this from you unless you ALLOW them to. He is acting and you are reacting. In essence, he is getting what he wants. Find out WHY he doesn't like the holidays.

4. if it's only during the holidays that he is like that - it could be seasonal depression. have him talk to his Dr and see if there's something that he can take to alleviate the anxiety he feels.

5. Seek marriage counseling. You need to stop carrying a burden that is not yours. you and your husband need to learn how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with each other.

I wish you a VERY happy Christmas and hope that things work out well for you!!! I'm just around the corner in Reston if he gets too grouchy!