Husband in Denial That Anything Is Ever Wrong with Our Baby

It is kind of normal for premature children to be delayed the number of months they were premature. It is good to get intervention if it is possible though. I taught Kindergarten and when children got early intervention help when they were delayed it made a huge difference. I agree with the others, don't worry about what your mom says. Listen to your doctor because he knows what is best for your little one and so do you!

B.,

I would recommend getting an evaluation by early intervention. They do services from birth to age 3 and everything is free. All of the therapy is play based and fun for the kids. My husband and I have had different levels of reality and denial over the years. We have a 4.5 y.o. with autism. People deal with things differently but the most important thing is to try to communicate, not fight and to try and do what is best for your child even if it is hard for you emotionally. From my perspective, getting any type of therapy is a no-brainer. The worst case scenario is that your babe would have been fine had you done nothing but you've still lost absolutely nothing by covering your bases and getting services. If, you babe is developmentally delayed in some way, early intervention is crucial and her eventual outcome could be greatly effected by whether or not she receives effective services starting as early as possible. So you h ave everything to gain and nothing to lose but your own denial (or your husbands denial!). It is definitely tough when you are faced with the possibility that yuor child my not be "perfect." But at some point, you have to set your own feelings aside and do what is best for your child. A competent evaluation can help you figure out what that is.. I finally just did what I felt was best - which was get my son evaluated. I had my opinion, my husband's opinion, my mother-in-laws opinion and the opinion of tons of other people. But none of us are developmental specialists so I finally just told everyone how it was going to be and went and got a "real" opinion. Sometimes you just have to tell everyone that this is what you are doing because you feel it is best and they just need to deal with it. I'm the mom so what I say goes. LOL

Good luck!
:-)T.

If your doctor is recommending therapy for Brayden, you should do so immediately! The sooner you get her into therapy for her delays, the more likely that it will be successful in helping her overcome them. Waiting, can create more delays! I imagine that your husband is scared of seeing her as not being perfect. He may also have some of his own issues of not feeling good enough tied up with how well his child is doing. He may need therapy, too. Don't let his own insecurities keep you from getting her the help she needs!
Maybe have the doctor speak directly to your husband about the need for early intervention. If he still won't agree, you may have to take her on your own. I don't like to recommend going behind his back, but that would be better than to allow her to be injured further by not seeking help early enough. Many delays can be helped with the appropriate therapy started early enough.

it sounds like you are putting yourself in a tizzy about nothing. if she has not been diagnosed with anything then, dont worry about it. when she does, then worry about it. if your mother is not a doctor how cah se sya she has autism. she cant. and if you worry about something being wrong with the baby and fight with your husband about it then you are wasting your time. pick your fights and only choose the best ones. maybe id you start thinking positively like he does things may not happen and you may not be having problems. if the baby is fine now, dont worry about what is going to happen tommorrow, just worry about today.

Hi B.,

To be honest with you don't wait until you get a dr's advise. Go to you pediatrician and ask questions about Brayden's developmental stages and as for your husband he should be being cautious just as you just because she was born premature.

After the death of our 1st child (Za' vier 12/21/2001, 6 yrs today of SIDS). The dr's made sure we could monitor our second child's (Zamaria) development but the problem didn't add up to her breathing or symptoms associated with SIDS. I noticed that when she began to walk her legs were severely knocked-knee-ed, although my husband was nonchalant also, we took her to her dr and he noticed it and told us it was developments resulting in her not retaining enough vitamin D so her bones were very soft. She was lactose as a baby and it was hard to get her to feed off the lactose similac. I nursed her up until she was 1 year old. He also recommended us to wait before putting her in braces for her legs until she was 4.5-5 years old. Now that she is 5 when we go in for her check up soon, we will know if we really needs to go ahead and get her braces. The only problem I have seen over the past few years is that she is very leg clumbsy. She falls just by walking up stairs, runs and falls, etc. We communicate that she may not be good for sports and things but maybe as she gets older that will all change. It is not that she is physically bound she is very smart loves to dance, run, play, etc but her balance is off a bit. When we talk to her dr in her next check up we will get an opinion then a second opinion as well.

You and your husband should think about getting a second opinion before you jump the gun, or even a third just to see what 3 different dr's may say then go from there or a support group that may have a solution that other parents are going thru the same thing as you. As far as your mom goes, she was a mom before you and it is good just to do some investigating about your child's development so you can feel at ease or get the ball rollin on the problem if there is one. Good luck to you and your family!

Of course dad wants a perfect daughter. You do what you feel in your heart. Mom is always going to think she's giving you the best advice. Listen, and take out the pieces and parts that might suit you. If your mom thinks your paying attention to her, she might slow down. In the end, it's you that will be dealing with Brayden. As far as therapy goes, ask your doctor if he knows other parents going through exactly what you are. You can try talking to them.

Good Luck, and God Bless

I say go and get her tested regardless of what your husband says. I went ahead and made an appointment for my son to get evaluated for a speech delay. My husband had already "encouraged" me to wait and we did for a year and things did not get better. So, basically, my son lost out on a year of speech therapy that he could have had. Once my son was recommended for speech therapy, my husband wanted to continue denying that anything was wrong. Now that he sees our sons improvements he is glad that I got him the help he needed. It doesn't hurt to get her tested.

While there might not be anything "wrong" with your baby, there are some compelling reasons to intervene early. The brain of an infant is incredibly "plastic", meaning that it can be shaped and influenced by the environment, and yes, "therapy"---MUCH more easily early NOW than later. This is the time to expose her to quality stimuli, directed at both any deficits she may have, as well as enrichment of her life and progressing skill levels.
There are some excellent Early Childhood Intervention (sometimes called Early Intervention...your pediatrician should know what is available in your area) Programs, many, maybe most of them free. Use them- they can't hurt, and often help incredibly!
I am a pediatrician, mother of four (2 birth children (ages 28 & 26), 1 adopted (16), 1 step (6)), with twins on the way.

No offense but unless your husband is a doctor...I would go with your doctor's suggestion. You're right...do what's best for her not what you hope will happen.

The best way to insure that Brayden doesn't have undue development problems in the future is to get her early intervention now. I would think that since she was in the NICU that you might already be linked into the department of developmental disabilites but if not I can help you find them.

From birth to age 3 the services are free, they come to your house and basically they are preventative measures. It's all play based therapy. If a child gets help early, many developmental delays can be corrected and even eradicated.

In this instance I would stand up to my husband, especially if you have concerns. Even when Dads spend a lot of time, I think mothers have an instinct. Maybe a 3rd party opinion from a specialist will help. Pediatricians are not qualified to do this. DDD will also do an evaluation for you. These days a lot of kids get therapy and it really isn't that big of a deal. The older she gets and the more moms you meet, the more this will become apparent.

Belive me, I know first hand how difficult it is to even consider that something could be wrong. There is a lot of grief tied up in this. That it's your first child just compounds the issue since you have no means of comparison. I blamed myself for not being a better mom and teaching my daughter how to better do things until my son was born and just learned on his own. Then I could see how delayed she really was.

One of my very best friends had twins that were over 2 months early. It was touch and go especially for the one. Still to this day, and they are 4, she worries much more about that one little boy. (btw they are doing great but did have a little therapy early on). I don't think that you can go through what you have been through and not feel that life is a little more fragile. But people deal with things in different ways. I personally take action. Your husband might be coping by refusing to see the frailty and the risk. A poem I read recently really helped me it's called "Welcome to Holland". You can google it and it should come up.

If you need to talk more, or need help with finding resources, please email me. B., have a very Merry Christmas!

My oldest has a speech problem and has had one since she was born. She did not speak until she was about a yr and a half?. Maybe 2.And she went through a yr and a half of speech therapy and another 6 months of pre-pre-school. We have a series of tests every so often called IEPs to see how well (or not)she is doing. She is in kindergarten and still doing IEPs and speech therapy. The point of me sharing this with you guys is to let you know that the doctor is right. You need to get the required tests and the required therapy as you as you can. It will be benificial. If I did not get help for Kay as early as possible she would not be speaking English much less Spanish and Sign. And we have had her tested for autism, and cerabal palsy. We have had her hearing tested every year and the rest of the tests that run with IEPs. I can also relate to your husband because I was in denial to and still say nothing is wrong with her. I just work with her and say that is what makes her different and I love her more for that.

Hi B.,

My first instict is that your husband's optimism is his way of dealing with a very difficult and scary situation. I would also bet it is a way to get you to look at the bright side, whether than focusing on the negative and the "what ifs". Of course it is important to be aware of the possibilities and to prepare yourself, but there is no reason you shouldn't hope for the best.
As far as interaction with Doctors, its important that you both are able to honestly give your observations of how your baby is doing. I doubt your husband is purposely leaving out information. If your husband's observations are more general, and your observations are more detailed - the doctor is probably getting a pretty good idea of what's happening.
I'm sure this is really difficult for you, and its probably easy to be frustrated with your husband because he handles things differently. I hope that everything works out for you, and try not to be too hard on your husband or yourself!

My son was born six weeks early, & still has very minor developmental delays. He just turned 4. He started therapy at 3 months and now you would not know anything was wrong with him! Early intervention is best because if you wait until she is older it is harder to break bad habits and she may resist. If your doctor recommended it, do it! I am so glad we did, my husband was also reluctant, but is now a firm believer. It might help your husband if he could see a baby the same age that does not have developmental delays so he could understand. I had previous children, so I knew. He dd not. Hope this helps, Good Luck!

I'm sorry that people are adding so much stress to your life. First of all, while some kids develop faster, and others slower, by kindergarten most kids are on level playing ground. Your mother shouldn't even be considering Autism. Autism is characterized by normal development and then around age 2 there is a regression, most notably in language skills. Tell her to "chillax" as the speech kiddos I service would say :)

Secondly, I'm not sure what things you are think are wrong with Brayden, but I would recommend not over analyzing everything. Remember that she was pre-mature which already makes her hill a little steeper to climb, and like I said before, in the end, the odds are in her favor that by the age of five, no one will ever know she was pre-mature.

If you are concerned, have evaluations done through AzEIP, Arizona Early Intervention Program. If she does require services, they are free until the age of three, and come to your house!

Kids develop in their own time, and I know that more now that I have two little girls. Brooklyn is so different than Madison was at her age. Madison was the slower of the the two with things like holding up her head, holding her bottle, being interested in her toys, etc, and now, she is a healthy, happy, and talkative 2 year old who is now ahead of the game. She's talking in sentences! Anyway, my point is, relax a little and enjoy every moment you have with your precious little girl. They grow up too quickly :)

Oh yeah, and remember, to your husband, he may see that she is perfect in his eyes, regardless of what delays she faces or if there is ever anything wrong with her.

Cam (31 weeks) has a variety of mild delays, which people didn't take seriously until her physical therapist did an eval and actually layed out what age level she was at for different skills. Now, at two, our main problem is speech delay (about 6 mos behind but developing at the rate of a typical 18 month old).

Two is the age when many delays can be diagnosed and with therapy can also be treated. I am not sure what if anything is wrong with your child but I would have her tested and satrt whatever is needed regardless of what your hubby says. Since this is your first and only child your hubby probably thinks she is fine but delaying any testing to see if she needs help really makes any therapy for her extremely hard. My friend has an autistic son and when I met her I could clearly tell her son was not right but she was in denial and thought he was fine. Finally after a few different test they said yes he was autistic and he could get the help he needed! Now finally he is progressing but they waited so long to test him. I pray nothing is wrong with your daughter but better to be safe.

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When my daughter was born I was a wreck about every little thing. I think if you look at her records at the Dr I probably called at lesat 80 times in the first six months just to make myself feel better. It is normal for us moms especially first time moms to be way over the top. However, it is normal for men to be strong, not worry so much and have to really have proof there is a problem. It is normal. It shouldn't cause fights. It is just two ways of dealing with things and you both have to accept the others point of view. As she grows he isn't going to be like this and you won't either. You needn't panic over everything either however. It isn't easy but take deep breaths, research things, talk to her Dr's before you go into panic mode about anything. You will find if you have another baby, the second one is a lot less stressful because you are a professional at that point on what to panic about and what not to. If your Dr wants therapy, then have the Dr talk to your husband. Maybe he needs more then just you telling him that to understand why. Do not let it put a strain on your marriage. I remember calling 911 at the on call nurses request when my daughter was 6 wks old, she was lethargic and not waking to eat, I was a basket case. There we were a living room full of police, ambulance and emergency workers, all over the baby. My husband was standing there almost like "I cannot believe this mess"...they took her in to Childrens and turns out she was congested and they drained her nose and cleared her out and she was fine. He gave me a hard time the entire time back to the house that I made way too big of a deal about it! I was so angry!!!! I mean you don't know, you don't mess around with a lethargic baby!!! For a year after he would say "why not call 911 again if she is sick!!!" really snotty. It caused a lot of stress on us as a couple. There are no rule books on what is right and wrong. Men just process things differently. I think there is a happy medium in there however you both must meet in that middle point and agree that you do things differently. There is no right or wrong. You know and come for a different instinct point, very protective and worry, that is just what moms do. Hang in there!!!!!

Hi!
First off.. breathe :-)
I would start out by saying that you need to ignore your mom. My mom is the same way.
My son was just over 2 when he finally started talking. Of course my mom was dropping hints that there may be something wrong with him which then puts ideas into my head.. totally annoying. He is fine and now he won't shut up.
On the other hand, my mother-in-law is super positive and has the mantra "energy follows thought." I am a true believer in this.
Since your daughter was so early you should relax on her a bit. My son was right on time, healthy birth weight, did great at all of his well visits, etc.. but was just a late talker. He did, however, start walking at 9 months.. where as my 15 month old started talking at 9 months and walking at 12 months.
What I am trying to say is every child develops so differently. I wouldn't jump the gun in assuming there are things wrong with her or compare her to other children.
I have a husband like yours and I thank my lucky stars for him as I am the worrier. If he let me rush my children to the ER every time they fell or got hurt we would be in a mound of unnecessary hospital bills.
It sounds like your husband is the ying to your yang. Everyone needs a little balance and compromise. If you are feeling really strongly about therapy then by all means you and your husband need to make a compromise or set a date that she will begin therapy if a certain milestone hasn't been met to your expectation.
The first child is always hard because you are so overly worried about their development, health... every last thing.
When/if you have another child you will look back and laugh at how freaked out every thing made you with your first.
Anyhow, sorry this is all over the place. Good luck to you and just relax and be patient..Happy holiday's!

my son was also almost 2 months early & had something called hydrops, so he was in the NICU for a month, but i was the one saying how perfect he was, not my other half. i felt it was easier to deal with the ups & downs that way, so maybe thats how your husband delt with it to.