Husband Help? - Melrose,MA

Right after my second daughter was born (first was 18 months) my ex left me, the best times were the middle of the night feedings with just her and I and no other distractions, I loved the quiet time with her and believe me it does not last for long before they are sleeping through the night, so however it works out make the best of it.

Since he is working have him do weekend shifts, so you can catch up on sleep!

M.- SAHM and WAHM of three!

http://www.WorkingGreenMoms.com

Rarely if ever, even though I had to wake up early as well, work all day and then take care of kids after work, then number 3 showed up and I became I stay at home mom so I could nap and I didn't resent it as much. Looking back what he did do was so much more. He held the baby while I cooked, showered, napped and entertained the other kids so I could have some quiet time once in a while. So while it would have been nice for him to get up try to praise him for all the things he does do.

Hi,
My son is a little over a year, and before we even had kids I made it clear that I needed help. My husband used to do the 4ish feeding every night. I understand the "fair" issue, but how is it fair for you to be exhausted and having to tend to every need for 2 human beings all day? I always said, at least my husband can tell his co-workers that he's tired, and worst case scenario he can take a day off! I know a lot of friends that did one night on, one night off. The bottom line to me is that your job is just as important! Good luck....

Hope you have a great 2010 also!! To answer your question, my husband and I both work full-time as teachers and happened to be off for the summer when both my kids were born, so we always spilt the duties and nighttime feedings 50-50. When we started back at work in the fall, we would usually alternate night feedings with both my kids. I nursed my girls but only for the first three months when I was on maternity leave, but my husband still helped calm them down if they were fussy and not hungry. Even now, when my two year old wakes up and cries because her blanket is off or she is turned around in her crib, we tend to take turns going into her room.

My youngest was a VERY difficult and temperamental baby, and there were times neither one of us had the patience for her, but we worked together to sleep train her and though we had our moments, we were usually on the same page with the plan of when we would go to her, how often, etc. I have always found, as a mom, that I tend to hear the kids first and just seem to know what the issue may be in the middle of the night more than my husband, who can sleep through the crying. I think that is just a mom thing! As a working mom but having summers off, I have seen both sides, and I have to say - I do think when you stay at home full-time it is a little easier to be tired during the day than when you work. You can always try to rest when your kids do or even just sit quietly for 15 minutes if they are playing, but at work, there is NEVER a chance to rest even slightly, especially in my line of work where I am "on" and talking, thinking, and teaching every second. It is NOT that your sleep is less valuable than his, it's just that you have one job to focus on, being home and taking care of the house and kids, while he has two, the job outside the home and the kids. Like I said, I have seen both sides so I say this from experience, but in the end, it's what works best for you as a couple that matters. I hope you get some downtime very soon!

J.,

I stayed home with mine, I did the late night feeding during the work week. The weekends my husband and I took turns. I tried to sleep or nap when the kids did. Your sleep is just as important as his, but because you are home it will be at different times. We also split feedings, diaper duty when he got home from work and if I cooked he cleaned. You cannot do everything and everything will not ever get done. You just cannot not do it all. But I did the late night feedings during the week. As long as he is helping when he gets home from work that will be fair.
And dont let anyone tell you just because you stay home its not work. Because its the hardest job you will ever have!!
D.

Happy New Year to you!!
This is a tough dilemma and is just something that you will have to figure out based on what works best for you. I work part time 20hours a week so I am home 5 days a week...(I feel so lucky!) and my husband works full time, long hours many days. We have an 8 month old and a 2 1/2 year old and I have assumed most of the childcare at night and during the days. When my children were babies, my night owl husband would do the midnight-1AM feedings so I could get a few hours of sleep in a row and that worked for us.
Now, I get up with the little ones because it is not that often that they are up at night and the bigger issue is that my husband sleeps like the dead. He won't hear them even with the monitor by his head so I would have to wake up, wake him up and then try to fall back to sleep. It is just not worth the aggravation to me so I just get up.
Needless to say, this is a tough issue and most mothers have felt the unfair vibe too. Hang in there, try to share the responsibilities equally and most of all, enjoy your baby!

I had trouble making peace with this at first - even though my child is breastfed, I use to expect my husband to help with late night crying on the weekends or when he was off of work. I now only insist he help when I am tired and the baby is inconsolable (usually at bed-time and not that often). I am a stay at home mom and have made peace with and even enjoy the late night feedings. The original expectations are what were the hardest for me to get over - after 6 months, I don't mind it so much...and he's a good daddy and provider.

Hi J.,
I am at home and I didn't bottle feed, but there were other times that kids woke in the middle of the night and didn't need to eat. With very few exceptions, I never expected him to get up with them b/c he had to function at a higher level than I during the day. If I was going to be home, I could sneak a nap in when the kids were napping, or if not that lucky, I could do basic childcare while sleepy -- it doesn't, in my opinion require the same level of concentration as most outside jobs, and there was no one I really had to answer to if I slacked a little. I also felt that they really needed Mom more than Dad in the early years anyway. My hubby works hard to support all of us on one income and I felt it was more than fair for me to take care of night wakings and most of the house stuff/meals. I would think if I worked outside the home the situation might be different, but even with homeschooling my kids, I still feel that if I am home, I have more opportunities to rest during the day and can still handle things on less sleep. Hope that helps. It's hard to find the right balance, and every couple is different - the important thing is to find what works for you and not let resentment build up. Good luck.

I, too, am home right now. although i am looking for a job. but i have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born almost 9mo ago. obviously she was getting up often.
My husband and I had made a plan that we would take shifts, he would do early night since he had to get up in the morning, and i would late night. for instance; 8pm to 12am was his duty. if she woke up then, he would have to get her, but if it was after midnight i would get her, so he could get solid rest for work.
this didnt work out too long, but all families are different.

work is important and his needs should be taken into consideration when making a schedule like this, but your needs are important too. so if he refuses any responsibility during the night, remind him that you also work at home during the day. your child cant take care of himself/herself, and the house wont clean itself, the laundry wont do itself, etc. you do plenty of work during the day so its not as if you can catch up on your sleep during the day. especially with 2 children.

some women can do limited sleep, but some cant. it also depends on your husbands expectations when he comes home. if he expects the house to be perfect, dinner to be ready, laundry done, dishes all taken care of, children ready and at the table, etc. he cant give you too much responsibility with limited sleep.

remember that you both have very important jobs, and its not fair to choose one over the other. you both work with each other and in your marraige, this is just another small obstacle.

point out to your husband how you are feeling and give good reasons. tell him exactly why you should get your sleep! because sleep is important and if you dont have enough of it, its hard enough to function. how many responsibilities does he have at his job! you both work hard and you both deserve the same amount of respect. and not letting you get sleep is disrespectful.

hope this helps.

S.

All three of my little ones were bottle fed. Right now they are 4,3 and 13 mo.

The way my husband and i work it is that we take turns. One night it's his turn and the next night it's my turn. We go back and forth. With the first one i do have to say that i did most of the feedings. I could sleep during the day. But with the second and third i couldn't sleep during the day -- my "work" is no less important than his is! -- so we did a lot more of the every other day thing.

The biggest problem that i found with that was I wake up whenever my little ones even make a peep. He never wakes up for anything. So generally i have to kick him to get up. and, of course, my sleep is inturrupted anyway. He also does more of the handing the bottle to the baby -- or propping the bottle than i ever did. Different styles, different ways of coping I guess.

Hi J.,
I was the one getting up in the middle of the night for feedings and for the most part, still do when she is sick. My husband gets up for work at 4:30am. and is a skilled tradesman who works with his hands and around dangerous equipment. We felt (more him than me) that it was important that he feels rested (as much as he possibly can be at that hour) at work and clear headed. I own a business but work from home and it is more like part time hours. I work when she naps or in the evening. I also have the help (when needed) of my mother when I need a sitter so that I can go on appoiments for work. My daughter is 18 months and sleeps through the night now... but it took a LONG 11 months for her to learn how to do so... mostly my fault, I should have ferberized her much sooner. The sooner you can do that (around 5 months or so) the better you will be.

You should do what is right for your household... everyone and every situation is different. A few suggestions that may help...if you can nap when the kids nap then take advantage of that... if not, maybe do what I do, Sleep in on the weekends while hubby gets up when the child wakes up. Good luck and Happy New Year! M.

I feel your pain. I am a working mother of two (2yrs old and 8mnths) and I struggled with the night time feedings. I was out for 12 weeks on maternity however it almost seemed to my husband that because I was off during this time it was my duty to do the feedings even though he was not working at the time. I spoke to a lot of my friends with children who were experiencing the same thing. I came to the conclusion that only my child would suffer from the arguing over who should wake up and left it alone for a while and he seemed to come around and try to help out a little more knowing I was tired and not complaining. I hope it all works for you in the end just know your not alone in this.
Good luck and wish you the best for 2010!

Hi there. I did most of the night time feedings because I was nursing, BUT let me say I had NO problem having him get up to check on her, change her etc, even if he was working the next day (I took a few months off and only went back part time).
I do not think it is fair that husbands can use the excuse - I have to work the next day. What is it they think you're doing with a small child all day? Watching soap operas? Please!
Being responsible for a human life requires more sleep than board meetings and conference calls!!!!

Hi J., I have a 5 week old and I quit my job to stay home with him and my daughter. During the week I am the only one to get up at night with the baby since my husband gets up early for work and he works 9-10 hour days. However, on the weekend he helps with at least one feeding at night and also he gets up early with my daughter so I can sleep late. I think you need help at least some of the time, everybody needs to sleep regardless of your job. I do let my hubby sleep on a work night because at least I can nap with the kids during the day and he can't. Good luck!

Hi J.,

My two are older now but when they were bottle feeding, my husband and I took shifts. I did have the maternity leave for each of my boys for 10 weeks. During that time I did try and do more of the night time feedings since I could nap during the day if I wanted (my choice not something that was "negotiated"). Once i went back to work what seemed to work for us was that my husband was more of a night time person so he'd go to bed later - so I'd head to bed about 9 and there would usually be an 11pm feeding, then I would get a good 4 - 5 hours sleep before the next feeding. Both of our boys started going for longer stretches around 3 months so the schedule changed accordingly. Good luck!

I was breastfeeding and even though I would always have a bottle of pumped milk in the fridge I always got up with my little one. When I was on maternity leave I didn't see any reason he should have to get up unless I was losing my mind like it was the 6th time in a night. Once I went back to work at 12 weeks, I was lucky in that she only got up once or maybe twice a night and it was still just as easy for me to do it because I do have more flexibility with my hours at work than he does. And truthfully, i really grew to love those precious moments of the night time feedings - so peaceful with her. It brings a tear to my eye even now thinking about it and she's over 2.25 years old.

You have to do what's right for you - I know plenty of women who feel that nothing less than 50/50 is fair ie every other night or every other feeding.

good luck!

Hi J.,

As a mom of 3 I have been here and felt that. :) We have an 8 week old and what we do is have my hubby stay up w/ the baby till 11 or 12 and then I do the middle of the night feeding and then my hubby (if the babe gets up) will do the morning feeding. It works for us because I am a SAHM and he is a full time worker as well as holds a high position at his job, he needs to be on top of his game, however, if I am sick or need him to do the middle of the night feeding, he does with out question. If you baby is getting up multiple times during the night, I think it's only fair that the responsibility be split!

I have to agree with Suzanne and Michelle. Every relationship and situation is different.

I was a stay at home mom. My husband worked very long hours. I am a night person, he's a morning person. More importantly, my husband does NOT function well with little sleep. I can go for quite a while on little sleep but then need to "crash."

There were two things that my husband didn't do when the kids were little: get up in the middle of the night on work days and bathe the children. Of course, if I was not there, or sick or something he would do those things, but as a rule, those were my sole responsibility. On the weekends sleep was all mine and he dealt with the kids. I usually had to wake him though because he, like another poster's husband, sleeps like the dead. The bathing issue was, I think, him being afraid of drowning them or something. I have to say, though, that he never, ever flat out refused to do these things. In the case of bathing, when I suggested he give the kids a bath, he would offer to do other things while I did that. He was incredibly helpful in all other respects. It worked well for us. I wasn't at all resentful and felt that he really needed the sleep - as much for my sanity as his. Every couple has to sort out something that works for them. Good luck to you!

My husband works full time, while at the moment I am not working. During the week Sun-Thur I do the night feedings since my husband is working. On Friday and Saturday (weekends) my husband does the night feedings. As a note, my husband sleeps very soundly while I'm aware of all the little noise my daughter makes so when he is in charge of the feedings, I need to wake him up. If you both work (or both do not work) I think it is fair to split the feedings equally.

Hello J.,

I think it is very unfair when Dads think Moms should do all the nighttime work. Your sleep is definitely NOT less valuable! In fact, it may be even harder for you because you cannot zone out or sit down or take a break like those who work in offices often can. As a stay at home Mom (and I am one as well) you always have to be "on". It is a very busy and demanding job and when you are sleep deprived it makes the day so much longer and harder. I remember because my daughter had a lot of sleep troubles when she was a young baby and I was ALWAYS tired.
If you have to do all the nighttime work, my advice is to nap while your children nap. The phone calls, housework and everything else can wait. You need to feel well. :)

Best of luck to you and may you have more sleep in 2010! :-)

We both work FT and do minimal day care, no family near by and babysitter once (pathetic, I know), but he works nights and I work days, and alternate weekends. I would go to bed early, and he would take the late night feed usually until 0200...anything after 0300ish I would be ready to take over for the day. When we first started leave, it depended on who wasn't working outside the home the next day. We both took FMLA since the kids were adopted, no paid leave, so the other worked, and we alternated. We both were cranky at times, but realized no one's sleep was more important than the other. Hope this helps. Perhaps if he works days, he would cover the evening until 11PM when he might go to bed, then you could nap until next feed comes along? Good luck. I am told that eventually kids sleep through the night in their own beds :) !!! Not sure when? :)

I do the night time feedings and I'm on Maternity Leave right now. My Husband does do some night feedings when he doesn't have to work the following day. I figure since I am home I will get up in the middle of the night, I have a better chance of catching a nap if needing during the day. The last thing I need is my Husband losing his job due to lack of sleep. But everyone is different. I do agree that our job as Moms and taking care of the household is JUST AS important though and it is EXHAUSTING some days!!!!!
Happy New Year to you and your Family!

I did most of the nighttime feedings, but my husband does a lot of the nighttime stuff now that they're bigger. That said, I am a total basketcase when sleep deprived, and he tends to handle it better. I'm better at other household things.

But I think the issue is that it seems like you think that what's happening in your house is unfair (sorry if I'm being presumptious). If you would like your husband/boyfriend to get up and help more often overnight, then it doesn't really matter what other husbands do. Try and have a rational conversation with him about what you would like/need him to do and what he wants/needs from you. My feeling when I was home was that it was "my job" to take care of the kids and the house when he was out, and it was his job to be at his job during the day. When we were both home, we split childcare. Afterall, his job isn't 24/7, why should mine be? Now I know this doesn't work for everyone, but hopefully the two of you can work something out so that you're not resentful of him Good luck! Hope you get some sleep soon!

edited to add: It's funny, because I am in the same position as Lenore (also a teacher) and I find it easier to be sleep deprived at work, because there's always something to keep me going and I can't be as "snappy" at work as I can get with my own kids. So to each his/her own, I guess, but just another example of people dealing with things differently!

My husband has NEVER gotten up at night with my youngest. I run a daycare out of my home caring for 6 young kids everyday, and I also work a part time retail job a few evenings a week. My husband does wake early and work long days but....I have kids dropped off at my house at 6:30 am and they don't leave till 5:45 and then the nights I do work I am there 6-10 and have to do it all over again the next day. I don't think this is fair but Its not worth the argument. I do breastfeed but there are always bottles ready to go in the fridge...needless to say they are never used at night. I hope you can figure out something that works for you. I do think that moms deserve a break now and then, and yes your sleep IS valuable!

My husband and I have alternated nights from the moment our sons each came home - regardless of maternity leave. We still alternate nights although our sons no longer require feedings. But if one of them were to awaken for any reason or get up in the morning before us we still take turns every other night. This has worked great for us. Obviously business travel or parent illness might change the schedule a bit but that is expected. Our boys are 4 and a half and 21 months.

I would say it depends on the man, your relationship, and the agreement particulars! For example, my now ex, worked, but not a "regular job." At the time I felt guilty even asking him to take over any of the nighttime duties for two reasons. First, he was "the one with the real job" and I figured there were no big ramifications if I were a doddering idiot alone in the house during the day. After all, who would see me? The mailman through the slot? And secondly, my husband was a wreck if he didn't have his contiguous hours of sleep and he would complain relentlessly. In retrospect I would have done things differently. First of all, I would know that a mom's job is really important-- and self care is a requirement for self-esteem. And if mom ain't well... it all flows down hill from there! If I had been able to hash out the discussion (which he also wasn't good at because he would pretty much bully, etc. to make sure he got his way), I would have tried for a different agreement. And, I should have developed a thicker skin to endure the complaining!
Perhaps if your husband could do night time feedings over the weekend. Or if he were able to step in and give a few "free and clear" hours of relief for you when he gets home, then that would balanced things out. If you are even asking about this, I think you are on a good path. Have a dialogue with your husband and take GOOD care of yourself. Good luck, and know that some day, you will get to sleep all night!