Husband Has Never Bought His Child a Present Her 1St B-day Is Next Week

My husband and I have 5 children, and have been married since 1996. In all of those years of marriage, and through all 5 kids, we've never given the kids separate presents from each of us. It's always a present from mom and dad. I guess I don't understand why you want him to get her a present from just him?

B.

sound like the issue is not providing or financial issues but rather the emotional value we (women) place on gift-giving. Just because he hasn't bought her a present per say doesn't mean he is selfish. Have you asked him to go pick out a gift for her for...birthday, valentines, christmas? Maybe if you stated it in a way that doesn't empathize money but the thoughtful part of it he would be more receptive. On the other hand if you are both on an "allowance" and you expect him to budget gifts in with his smokes, you may find he has different ideas. The importance of giving a gift to someone too young to know even know it is a gift never mind who it came from proabably varies widely between the two of you. Does he buy you gifts? Or is this an extension of a general lack of gift giving? See, there may be many other issues involved.

I suggest you get a book called Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey. I listen to his AM Radio show most every day. He talkes a lot about how a family must share the financial responsibility. On his radio show he talks a lot about coming up with a budget and both parties. The fact of the matter is you are one family and it should not be "my money and his money". When you are a mother you need to be a good roll model for your children. Keep in mind, would you want your children to be struggling with this same issue. They learn by example. My suggestion is to check out Dave. I hope that helps!!

Try telling him that you feel concerned that he doesn't show Madison the affection (in the form of gifts) you might appreciate in her place. Tell him how you feel without accusing him and assuming you know his reasons. That way he won't feel attacked or judged, and will be less likely to be defensive.

You might have some success if you try to understand your husbands reasonings for not buying cheap, meaningless dollar-store junk. My advice is to encourage him to spend quality time with the children--reading, playing games, talking, teaching--until the child is old enough to appreciate a birthday present.

Your 12 month old daughter will not know the difference between getting presents and not. There are other ways to show love than buying gifts.

just ask him if there is any reason why he's never bought anything. maybe he just thinks he doesn't need to becasue you handle all things baby and he handles all the house hold stuff. maybe he doesn't want to go outside your family budget and by her things that maybe you can't really afford. men don't always think like woman, so maybe it's jsut never even crossed his mind.

Hi, M. --

Now, this may be an odd comment, but I wonder if your husband is the type of person to actually respond oppositely in certain circumstances when he feels the pressure to do something.

I definitely do NOT want to excuse your husband from doing something special for HIS OWN CHILD!! but my Dad was the same way. I don't think I ever received a birthday card from him, even, until I was in my later 20s.

So, what's the reason for this?? In my Dad's case, I believe it's because when he feels he is EXPECTED to do something, he almost takes offense at it, as if, by then doing it, he's just going to be perceived as having done it because someone goaded him into it. Yeah, that's convoluted. He HATES occasions because he hates that ongoing expectation of having to show a particular kind of affection on the cue of some arbitrarily determined date. So, more often than not, he will NOT do anything for birthdays or holidays, etc.

As you can imagine, this has been a huge source of friction between him and my Mom. They've been married almost 38 years now, and there has only been incremental progress on this front.

Nevertheless, my Dad has always shouldered the full load of supporting my family financially, and he took us on great long trips and never held back when it came to things we needed, even taking care of the sick pets that he didn't want in the first place. I think he just wants to show that, when he thinks of something to do to show his love, it's FULLY his own idea and not because Hallmark was creating a holiday to boost their sales.

I don't know if your husband is like this or not... If you feel he's involved with your baby and shows love in other ways, then maybe that's the thing to focus on rather than the actual gift. If, on the other hand, you think he's avoiding getting a gift strictly out of cheapness, then that's an entirely other matter. He can, at the very least, write your baby a letter to put away for her to read when she's older. There are lots of no-cost options that he could use to show he cares - a special playtime at the playground, time outside together, etc. I don't think something has to be purchased, but he definitely should know that it's important to demonstrate his sentiment for the special gift HE's received of having a happy, healthy little girl!!

I hope this insight helps you to find the right approach for dealing with this tricky situation. If it's any help, I don't at all resent the fact that my Dad is not an occasion gift giver. He gives in other ways, loves me, and I know that this is just his stubborn peculiarity.

Take care,
H.

My daughter will be 2 in March and my husband has yet to buy her any presents or clothes or diapers...nothing. And yes it bothers me. I have even mentioned it to him that he has never bought her anything EVER. He is a great, VERY involved Dad in every other way and I know he loves her more than anything, but gift giving just isn't his thing.

I have started when she is given a book I will write who it's from in it. So when I buy her a book, it's "from Mommy". My husband saw one and asked about it and I asked him "Did you buy it for her? Did you pick it out for her? Did you even mention that I should buy her a book? No? Well then it's not from you. If you want to buy her a book and then YOU buy her a book."

Has that helped...no. Oh well...He's a man and I hate to say it but men are typically more selfish than women. Try no tot let it get to too down! :)

Best of luck with your new baby! :)

if i understand you correctly you are upset that he has never bought her a gift. is there more to this? does he have other kids whom he buys stuff for all the time, just not your daughter? does his lack of gift giving concern you and maybe you feel that he doesn't care for her because he doesn't give her things?

does he spend time with her? help with her care, help you around the house, bath her... play with her? not all fathers do those things, which i would think would be valued over a material item. if he doesn't spend time with her, maybe you could concentrate your efforts on getting them to "connect" which will be something that will likely impact her life alot more then a toy.

I only buy gifts on special occations for my kids, as they get plenty of "stuff" from grandparents, aunts... Kids get toys and play with them for a few minutes, or maybe a week at the most. then they become a pile of stuff in your basement that they don't play with. i am the one who always buys all of the b-day, christmas stuff not my husband but i do understand that it would be nice if for those special times that he would help (we do have 3 kids)

but in my opinion if bring home gifts once in a while on non- special days, is your only concern with your husband, then i really do think it is a little too much too nag him about. you could mention how it would be nice for him to bring her a special treat once in awhile, but just because you say that, don't expect it, and then get mad at him, when he doesn't live up to your expectations.

i would concentrate on getting them to build a special father daughter bond, and getting him to quit smoking:) (my husband smokes too! YUCK)

Hi, I must say I have never personally bought any of my children a present. I am a homemaker so my husband and I shop together for bday presents, Christmas, Easter, etc but as far as me actually paying for them, he does it. It's not that I am selfish it's just he works and I work in the home. If he pays all the bills related to your house and you pay all things to care for your children maybe he feels that includes presents. Maybe you could kindly suggest he go shopping with you to help pick out toys or outfits. It has been my experience with my own dad that he will more than likely enjoy picking out keepsake things as she gets older. He may also be intimated by the girly stuff and may enjoy picking out boy toys, which by the way congratulations on your new blessing.

Maybe he just doesn't like to shop. It's not often that the typical man finds himself browsing in the dollar store. Maybe he doesn't show his affection by giving presents.

Also, maybe he doesn't yet feel the same connection that you do to her. Often infants under 1 don't gravitate to their daddys. Just wait until your next child is born--if she's like my daughter she'll be a daddy's girl in no time because mommy will be splitting her time with the new baby.
Good luck

Sweetee get use to it. It may be a male thing or at least how he was raised. My husband (we are now 51 and Grandparents) is the same way. I personally prefer this as if I let (and I mean LET) him buy presents he doesn't take budget into account. He says that's what I wanted to buy them and gets PISSED if I question him. We now (for 28 years -first few don't count) discuss who we want to buy for and how much should be spent. I also make him come to the store sometimes as he has no real idea how much things are anymore. I am the sole bread winner and not making much. Perfect example he took a half gallon of milk down to the small refrig we keep in the basement (got a family room there- it saves steps) at about 4:30pm and at 6:30pm it's got one glass full left. I paid $3 a gallon for milf at Walmart tonight. I told him I am going to rashion him. I have to.

I think this is actually not that bad. Dads just dont think to stop and get a gift randomly for their kids. Your christmas gifts were from the both of you right? Regardless of whose bank account they came from right? I just think it is typical that the mom takes care of these things. I do all the present shopping for everyone and to be honest I am suprised I dont have to buy my pwn birthday/christmas gifts haha I am serious though. Maybe the realy underlying issue that you are each claim territory on who pays for what. Combine your money and maybe that will solve your problem. BUt honestly and I dont mean to be insensitive this is not a big deal at all Dads just dont think the way we moms do buying cute little presents from the dollar store for our kids is natural to us not to them. Besides you guys are married the gifts should be from both of you regardless who swipes the debit card.

Maybe you could invite him in picking out a gift for her birthday. Get him involved, maybe let him choose something. Some men think that stuff is our fun and leave it to us! Happy Birthday to your little one!

Some men just assume that when they get married they no longer have to purchase gifts for others we are their personal shopper. I know in my situation I buy every birthday christmas present for everyone including his parents. If you really want to talk to him about him with out him being put on the defence choose your words wisely avoid using "you" say something like I was wondering if you had any suggestions for Madisons birthday gift. That way he has a say in what he thinks sometimes you have to ask. Sometimes men just get caught up in being the provider they don't think about other important thing such as gifts I know in my case My husband works alot and sometimes I think he takes the kids forgranted like they are always going to be there everything is tomorrow. We have worked on it and it can be done you just have to choose words use "me" or "i" instead of "you"

hope this helps

I know what your going threw, my boyfriend had 2 daughters that I have to buy everything for. he don't buy anyone anything not even his own mother. he's selfish that's all I can think of. I'm the one that's depeneded on to remember everything. I think you should say something but from what I have gone threw your going to get NO WHERE!!!! pretty much he's going to do what he wants. Hopefully you have more lucky then I do

My response is going to be a bit unique so please hear me out. I can only share my frame of reference based on my own experiences and hopefully you can find value in something here. I know you are probably so excited to be a mom. You want to make sure your children have everything they need and some. I share in that. I have three children 9, 5, and 4. We are also on a budget.

Some men are shoppers, some are not. My husband is not a shopper. So I take care of all of that. We have an understanding that I manage the birthdays and holiday stuff for the kids. Primarily because I enjoy it and I want to create great memories for my kids. However, he will make the effort (sometimes, not all) to buy them small things for their birthdays or after being gone on a business trip for a while. This took some training (smile). It didn't just happen naturally. We have been married 11 years. He would prefer to take them to the park or go bike riding (which is o.k. too). Something else to consider is does your husband show his love for your daughter in other ways by spending time with her or playing?

I've explained to my husband that it is the thought behind it. Just knowing that you thought enough of our kids to pick up a little something for them, is heartwarming. Some words of caution, we don't want to set a precedent that "if you buy me something, that means you love me". She's still young yet, but I just wanted to point that out. It will become important as they grow. My parents were sort of like that so we grew to expect things which can be frustrating as a parent (especially when you don't have it). I try to talk to my kids about the "I wants and the give mes" all of the time. I want them to know there are boundaries and that they are trully blessed in countless ways.

My other point is....it took us some time to get to this state but our philosophy is what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. So whatever we purchase, we always present as being from the both of us. I may consult with him but it is an "us" thing. It definitely takes some getting used to. Believe me we went through various budgeting arrangements before we found a comfortable place. You both are contributing to the household and your daughter's development in different ways (paying bills, providing a comfortable home etc.) My husband travels often for work, so I generally make most of the major decisions around the kids activities and schooling with his input and discussion. I would just try to involve your husband more in your purchases or discussions around your daughter. Perhaps sharing your ideas and asking if he wants to make a financial contribution would work. It doesn't sound like he does this intentionally, he just knows that you will take care of it because that is the agreement that you made. In all honesty, I enjoy being the primary decision maker when it comes to my children. It helps me to know that my expectations are met, because there is nothing like a mother's love. I certainly think it is valid to share your feelings with your husband, that it would be nice if he would just make the effort from time to time to pick a little something up. I would explain that right now she's still young but as she gets older it is important to "you" that he take the time to pick up a little something for her on special occassions. Your outloook depends on how you view the situation.

All the Best

It sounds as if you have things compartmentalized into what he does and what you do. You pay for all of the baby related things, maybe he thinks that includes presents.
Can you face your challenges as a team?

Are you the only one who takes care of the baby? Maybe he doesn't feel as connected to her as he might. Do they have plenty of time to bond? You may have to step back a bit to ensure that they develop a way to be together. Maybe he could take over feeding her one of her meals or spend certain afternoons with her.

I've seen both sides of this. My mom was always upset that my dad never took any part in gift-giving to his children. (There were five of us kids.) He just left all the shopping up to her. I never held it against him, as he just wasn't the type. Now my husband is the opposite with our children. He's been buying them clothing, toys, etc., since before they were born. He probably buys them too much! I don't know that your husband will ever change. It may be something he'll do later when his children are old enough to tell him things they would like to have. I wouldn't be overly concerned. Some people are just like that. I would communicate to him how you feel, so you don't hold it in and resent him for it. Good luck to you on your upcoming delivery!

R.

If you don't want a big fight then ask him for 20.00 (don't tell him what it is for) go to the store buy a gift for your daughter and sign his name and when she opens it you can tell hm that is what he bought for her. I know it isn't an ideal situation, and you are doing all of the work, however she will have a gift from him.
Good Luck!
Jenn.......

Ok first i do understand whatyou are saying i really do i would feel the same way i'm sure BUT i don't think selfish is a good word here, it's because of him you have a home and heat and the luxeries that go along with it, so he is providing and it seems like you have an arrangement as far as who pays for what, so while sure it would be nice if he showed enough interest to buy the baby something on his own, do you offer to pay the bills he pays or buy him smokes...I doubt he views it as not buying her something just because you pay for it, just like i doubt you veiw the house as his because he pays for it. If you really are that bugged by it then maybe the two of you should try to refigure who pays what so he is taking a more active financial role in things you think the children need, but really it just seems like a man being a man, he pays the bills, he pays for his own habits and you do have your own money and should have to contribute to thier care as well. I know i sound witchy here but you are a family and you both contribute to the finacial care of the children in different ways.

M.,

Where in "my husband pays for the house and all living expenses, and I pay for all things to do with the baby" does it say except I still expect him to buy gifts?

Count your blessings! You have a home, heat, food, a job, and a husband who loves you. How many toys does a 1-year-old really need?

You need to be more upset that your husband smokes, is (even distantly) exposing your little girl and unborn son to the PROVEN cancer-causing agents, and taking a good 7 years off his own life.

Let this one go--it is just too trivial.

Best wishes,
K.