Husband Gone

I am sorry you are having such a tough time with your husbands deployments and TDY's. I too am a military wife, and have dealt w/deployments and TDY's. We like you recently moved and it is never easy-this is move #8 for us. Some of the things that helped me get through is to join some of the spouses things on base-ie spouses clubs, chapel activites... It is always a little easier to be where there are others who are going through the same thing, or have been there. Another thing you might try is volunteering. Whether it is on base or at the kids school. I know I did a lot of that before I had my youngest, who is a toddler now. It feels great to help and can be a great way to meet others.
Good luck and feel free to email!

First I want to say "thank you" to you, J.. Sometimes we forget that the women at home are heroes too! I appreciate all you and your husband are doing...
As for advice: pray, pray, pray! I know it can be miserable to be alone so much. My husband used to travel for work and he left Monday morning only to come home Friday night. I felt like I was just his laundry service, and he was tired from traveling so he didn't want to do anything with the kids and I. It was really irritating! But eventually, with a lot of patience and prayer, things worked themselves out and he got another job. Which I suppose isn't really an option for y'all, but God has a plan!! Try to get involved in something that brings you joy, find some people who share your interests, reach out to your "sisters" in the military community. Having a support system makes all the difference in the world.
Good Luck to you and God Bless your whole family!!

Hey J., i can't personally relate as I've never been in your situation but here in Arkansas there are so many things to do to meet people. THere are so many places to see and many military families. YOu can meet folks at church, at the community centers, at your kids schools..etc. Get involved in what's going on in your community. It serves 2 purposes, first it gets you out and meeting people and second, there are so many places that need folks to help with different things. Volunteers are ALWAYS needed. If you can manage not to work a full time job it gives you the time to do things that get you involved , meet people and help the community. If you keep busy, Gene will be back before you know it. Good luck. R. P.S. i just looked at some of your other responses. 2 of them are military wives....you'll hook up! :o}

Hi J.,

I REALLY feel your pain. My husband was active duty army-he's been retired for 8 years now and it was not easy! By the time my husband retired, we had been separated (by the Army) more than we were together. I felt like the shorter separations were harder than the long deployments. With the deployments, at least you eventually develop a routine of your own that works for you and the kids while he is gone. With the short ones, it seems like you're just about to adjust to missing him, then-BOOM, he's home again for a little while and then leaves again. Leaving you and the kids with the adjustment all over again. I really don't have any suggestions for you because it affects everyone differently. I had 4 small children at home to keep me going. He retired when our oldest just hit his teens and our youngest was in elementary school. The only advice that I can offer you is talk, talk, talk to your husband. Ask him about his feelings. My husband always had to deal wtih feeling guilty for leaving me to do things on my own so much. I assured him that I COULD do it no matter what. My major concern for him was that he would be worrying when he should be "keeping his head in the game". I wanted him to be in the best frame of mind to do his job and stay safe. One thing that I did every time he was away was to keep a journal of what the kids and I did every day and fill it with pictures. He wasn't there for the things we did, but at least he could try to "catch up" on things when he got home. You also have to realize that both of you need an adjustment period every time he leaves and comes back. Don't overload your schedule when he's due home. You can even make plans for fun things to do when he gets back-nothing major-plan a picnic, take the kids somewhere, a romantic night for you guys that doesn't involve anyone. I know you're exhausted when he's gone because there is soooo much to do all of the time. Plan some time for just you. While he's away, you have to pull from your memories to keep from drifting away. Remember all the great times you've already had together and build on it.

And by the way, thank you for supporting your husband during his service to our country. And thank you for holding the homefront together while he's gone. You can do this-take one day at a time.

You're both in my prayers,
R.

Hi J.!

We are also a military family! It is definatly hard because part of the time we are single parents! Nothing is going to replace your husband being gone. Are you a stay at home mom? One thing you could do is try daycare once a week so you get a little down time. And you can also look on this site for some Mommy and Me groups. You would be able to make some friends that maybe don't work as much!

My son is only 9 months, so I'm still trying to figure things out too. good luck to you!!

Hey, Let me tell you I have been there. My husband was in the Marines. The only thing worse than them being gone physically is them being gone mentally. I had to deal with my husband being home but not being there. I know you feel like you are the one drifting away but in a marriage it takes two. You are not married to yourself. Try to talk to your husband about it. Talk to him whenever you get the chance. When my husband was deployed, we went weeks without even talking. Once we went a whole month because he was mad at me. All I can tell you is to give it to God and make sure you are there when he needs you.

J.,

I too was a military wife. My husband is now retired. He was in an organization, which he was deployed more than he was home. He does not remember me being pregnant with our 3 children at all! Thankfully he was home for their births. I had learned through the 22+ years of military life to truly take it day by day. It is a hard road at times and raising your children alone with him gone is frustrating. Wait for the teen years! I also learned when my husband came back from deployments to NOT overpower him with things that have gone wrong while he was gone. I let the children bond back with him first and we had our time at night. He went to some places, that when he came back he had culture shock. He would have to integrate back into the family since he was gone for periods and we would carry on as usual.

I would write to him every other day (no email at the time) and we would talk on the phone, maybe once a week - depends on the deployment. I also did not like being alone at all, but I loved him (still do) and I could not imagine my life or children's life without him being in it. I did not work while my children were young, I waited until my youngest was in 2nd grade and I went back part-time. While I was a stay at home Mom I would get with the other military wives (we lived on base at all our assignments, except for the last) or the church friends I was involved with.

It seems the nights are the loneliest. I remember I would breath in my husband's pillow just to smell him. Hold on to his t-shirt or wear it to bed at night. Run my hands along his clothes in the closet. To stop from my mind running a bazillon places I started to read at night so I could get some sleep. I am so understanding you J. - it is so hard, but the joy when your husband returns - it's like a honeymoon again! ;)

S.

I agree with Kay - get involved with MOPS (Mothers of Pre Schoolers) or other community involvement. Churches and the public library are great places to find groups to get connected with other people.

I have been blessed not to have had to be away from my husband for more than a couple of nights since we were married, but during our engagement we lived in different states. We set a time to talk on the phone every day, and to make the most of the short time we had together we planned things to do. We read a novel aloud to each other, and went through his-and-hers study guides for a marriage book.

My dad was a career army man, so my mom went through the same thing. It's part of military life, but not a fun part. Many churches offer MOPS programs and many communities have moms groups. Getting together with other moms may be just what you need. Even just getting involved in a church or some aspect of the community will help.