ok sitting here with the kids watching cartoons, my laptop next to me and really not sure the next step to take today. Why you wonder, am I asking this question on a website forum. Well, frankly I have no other people to talk to, because I would like to keep it semi anonymous. I just don't think my family should know and I know they don't read this site.
Some of you who follow my questions and posts, know I have less than stellar communication skills with my husband. I have been married 4, going on 5 years. Its a international\cross cultural marriage. Where its fairly paternal based. Male head of the house, breadwinner, rule maker, last say in the matter type.
We have 3 kids. Beginning of marriage was tough. Learning to get along with totally different cultural up bringing. We made it work. 2 years after were good, if not the best time! Last year has been hard. We have been struggling in our relations after my son. My husband is home sick and has moderate to severe depression. So its been difficult for him. I am supportive as much as I can be, but I am worked to the core and bone tired with the kids as well. His problems are getting a little heavy for me to bear constantly. I have little to no support from my family, his is in India. I have a few friends, but they are not helping much either.
Anyway, Things were looking up for us the last few months. We were kinda getting back in the groove of life. I noticed though during a particularly tough break on luck. He was distant, quiet, failed to engage me in weekly arguments, and almost contrite and sheepish for everything. So I pressed him.
Finally, through a PHONE CALL, and subsequent chats on gmail. He told me whats been bugging him. OUI, I am bawling again. He found out, he fathered a daughter with a college friend, he slept with while in India on a business trip before we were married and we were separated. WOW! I am shocked but not really angry about it, because it was during a rough time when we had separated after my daughter was a few weeks old. He had to go back due to visa issues (he was on a H1 not a greencard) and We were not married, he didn't think his family would accept me, had an arranged marriage planned for the near future, and so parted ways completely. He came back explicitly for me, and our daughter, because he told me he realized he loved me and M. That he was a jerk for leaving us in that predicament. We patched it up and he came back 9 months later after his visa was renewed. We got married a few months after that. When I asked why he slept with this woman, seeing how she was married and the cultural barriers about this stuff. He marked it up to : He was lonely, depressed, she was friendly, understanding, and (according to him) having a rough time with her husband as well.
Things happened, the deed was done. Now apparently the baby is his, but no tests done. She says it is because her husband and her cant have kids. She finally told him. She is like 9 month younger than my eldest daughter. Making this girl close to 4 years old. She wants nothing of him, other than telling him. her husband doesnt know about it, thinks its his. She felt a moment of guilt. Well I wish she would have just shut up, but its done and over with now. He felt he should tell me, in case I found out some how and got angry. He came out and told me all the details, he didnt hold back. However I was more appalled and angry at the choice of communication. That he didnt tell me face to face. He thought I was figuring it out, because of a slip up while talked about this woman and he said "our daughter" and i didnt even catch that, but he thought so.
Like I said I really cant be that angry, but should I be more angry? I am more hurt, and upset, that he chooses to call me on the phone and chat. NOW.... after I stopped talking to him, he texted me a message.
"Is ok to be mad, I would be too, though we have too much right now to deal with. Can we discuss it further another time and forget about it for a while? Dont tell anyone and I am not going to do anything about it for now. Lets wait till after the holidays"
This last thing has made me see red. I am really angry with it. I dont truly know how to deal with it.
Suggestion?
I am not leaving him, its not a breach of trust or going behind my back or anything. I am SURE its eating at his mind also. I feel for him for that. Though I am not sure how to approach him or enjoy my holidays with this huge thing on my back. Counseling is out of the question, he goes to NO therapists. Just his bit. I think I may myself, but really I am just sitting here wondering how to recover.
Guess maybe this is a vent, but also like any kind of suggestions as to how to deal with him in the next few days. I am at a loss.
just for info sake, he was at work when he called. He took the afternoon off to go get our car out of the shop and finish christmas shopping. So he is not in India, but strange that he picked this time as well. Like it was on a check list almost.
Back story is: woman tried for 4 years to have a baby. They had not slept together in months. My husband sleeps with her, and she got pregnant. So after she found out she was pregnant she upped the sleeping with her own husband. Because of the way they have kids over there, having babies at home is not un-common. She had the baby at the house. Said it was slightly early. This is what he is telling me as proof, she is his. He seems fairly certain this woman is telling the truth, but I agree it seems fishy she all of a sudden up and has guilt feelings and has to tell him this.
Toni.. he had an H1, we have been married 5 years. In that time he has received a Green Card. He isnt after that. He wont take off, his family would never allow it. He has already traveled with my eldest alone back and forth 2 times, and I have accompanied him 2 times as well. Am fairly certain that is not an issue. We all have passports, even the one year old. As well as dual citizenship
Honestly, I would wait till after the holidays as well, maybe just write a letter to him and tell him how you feel about every thing and give it to him before christmas and then after the holidays sit diwn and talk to him get away from the kids for a night and talk to him alone
I wouldn't get the least bit upset until I had certified proof that the baby is really his. Have you ever thought that he may be just setting you up with an excuse why he is going back to India? That all of this is just a story he is making up. Inter-continent marriages is always hard on the one who isn't living in there country!
First of all, you know that thing people say all the time, "It's not so much that he cheated, but that he LIED about it...." Or..."It's not that he broke up with me, it's that he did it over the phone" Or "It's not so much what my friend did, but how I found out. She should have____(fill in proper polite communiction here)"? You know what, it's almost never true. It IS that he cheated. It IS that he broke up with you, it IS what your friend did.... It IS the bigger issue.
It's not that he texted you or emailed you etc. It's natural to try to feel tough by "getting past" the huge thing and dwelling on a small technicality to show where the other person was REALLY wrong, but it's just a cover for what is REALLY bugging you. Which IS THE FACT that your husband slept with someone else and fathered a child while you were separated. So I recommend you drop the distraction regarding HOW he told you and get to the core of things.
Believe it or not, it's not a bad idea to wait and talk about it after you have thought it through yourself. Not because he's asked you to and it's convenient for him, but because YOU NEED to get your ducks in a row mentally . You've just been blind-sided. By all means, scream at him if you need to, dont' sit muzzled for the next couple of weeks, but your best talks about it will be later regardless. You have to process that you know he was with someone else while you were separated and has a child, and you know about it. I think you're wise to sit on it for a bit and stew. He is PLENTY uncomfortable that you know, so get your arsenal ready. It will be rehashed a lot of course, and you deserve to grieve and feel however you need to feel. Count your blessings, it doesn't sound like the lady is coming after your husband for support or interaction, and the child is fine with parents of her own. Like you said, it doesn't hurt your faith in his relationship with you. But it's soooo tough, so I feel for you! Best wishes for getting through this. Just be honest with yourself about things and ride the storm. I'm so sorry this happened.
As big of a bombshell this was dropped in your lap, it must have been an even bigger bombshell for your husband to find this out this way. My advice would be to try to see that from his point of view too and let him have time to process and digest this information it's impact on your lives. It's good that you use this forum to vent, or some other trusted third party. I don't think you should be more mad, I think you sound like a patient and understanding person that is a good quality espesciallynwith your husband. Too bad that he won't go to counseling but maybe this is the thing that will finally convince that it's not such a bad thing, to take the opportunity to get advice on how to work through such a complicated issue together and not let it ruin the marriage and family you both have worked so hard for. But you should definitely go on your own To and that way if it helps you keep a positive outlook and he sees that, then maybe he will want that help too. Hope this helped. God bless
I think it is silly to be angry about how he told you. You said that y'all have communication issues. Knowing that it seems to me that he chose the method of communication that he was most comfortable with to be able to tell you something so significant, and obviously difficult for him to share.
I can totally understand him wanting to put it on the back burner after telling you, but I don't think it is wise to push something so huge to the side. It will only fester until y'all blow up over it instead of actually discussing it. I suggest you calm down and think clearly about the situation. Then talk to your husband. Ask what he is thinking and feeling, share what you are thinking and feeling. And ask him what he wants to do about the situation, if anything. Talk to him calmly and lovingly though. That will get more through to him than anger will.
And good luck, because this situation is not easy for either of y'all.
You say "counseling is out of the question" for HIM.
But not for YOU.
Please, please get yourself to a counselor or therapist as quickly as possible, even in the next few days if you can. This is a very fragile marriage in a potentially devastating situation. You seem to be handling it pretty well, but that is only "handling it" for the short term, and not the same as resolving and communicating better in the long term. You need to figure out your feelings; what you want him to do or not do next; whether you want to insist that this woman get a paternity test so you KNOW if this is his child (what if the baby isn't his after all? That settles one thing but not the issue of his sleeping with her, about which you may have more feelings than you now realize)...There seem to be some issues here too, based on the rest of your post, about the fact he's from this male-dominated culture and has a distant-to-nonexistent communcation style.
Ask yourself: Even if this one night stand and the child were NOT in the mix at all, would you still say you are really completely happy with him, your marriage or your communications? If the answer is no -- and I suspect that's the answer based on what you describe as a rather up-and-down abilty to really communicate -- then you should get help from a professional.
Get counseling, intensive if need be, for yourself, and maybe that counselor can help you figure out how to get him into couples counseling...Because frankly unless he learns to communicate better with you, I would think there is a chance of further, serious problems beyond even this gigantic bombshell. If he feels depressed/distant again, he may once again turn to someone else. I say that not to scare you but to point out the reality that people who cannot communicate with others, who are inwardly focused, and who have the added burden of depression may be more likely to do things that are risky. If he can't change these things, or at least sincerely work on them for your sake and your child's sake, then he runs the risk of further risky or impulsive behavior. I've seen depressed spouses do selfish and risky things that hurt or even broke up their families -- you have to find out if he is willing to stop himself by getting help.
(By the way, if he is depressed, do you mean he's been medically diagnosed as clinically depressed? How can that be if he won't see any form of therapist? If he just says he feels depressed but has never seen a doctor to get a diagnosis, then he must see one. And the doctor should not just medicate him but should send him for talk therapy as well. One suggestion: Would he be more likely to talk to a doctor from his own cultural background, and one who is male? It sounds like he might have the cultural attitude that "Men do not share problems, men are always strong and silent, and men do not admit to being weak by sharing weakness with others, especially women." A LOT of men of many cultures have this unspoken issue with seeking therapy or other emotional or mental help. So it might help some if you could find a doctor who "gets" that.)
Please, get to a counselor for yourself as soon as you can and please update us here. I feel awful for you and I know you don't want to hear "Counseling" but I don't see how this complex situation, with a spouse who is not communicative, can be worked on otherwise. Take good care of yourself in the meantime, and stay as healthy as you can, for your child.
ok first of all, just because the woman and her husband hadn't concieved before, doesn't mean it didn't happen now. We know the woman is able to concieve since she had this baby and the husband must not know he can't concieve because he believes the baby is his, so why is she so sure it is your husband's? Next, if she is willing to sleep with your husband, who else is she willing to sleep with? I would say there is a lot of question on the paternity of this little girl and without a DNA test, I wouldn't trust her at her word. If he isn't going to fight for a DNA test and go for visitation or custody, it is best to just think of this child as her and her husbands. I know that there is always going to be a what if in there but your husband is borrowing trouble by taking this woman at her word.
Anger is a valid emotion but it is also a harmful one if not controlled. You do have communication enough that he did tell you. Sometimes things are easier to say when you aren't looking eye to eye with the person so that could be why he didn't tell you in person. It seems cowerdly but I do understand some people can't get the words out in fear of seeing the reaction. Forgive him that part, work through the other parts and remember until you have proof that it is his child, don't assume it is. So unless you plan on this child being part of your lives, I wouldn't inform family and friends of it, somethings are better left between the two of you.
Keeping you in my prayers.
I don't think you should talk yourself into being MORE mad than you actually are. Right now you seem to have a very level-headed response and I think that's awesome. I applaud you for realizing that this happened during a rough time, that you don't truly know all the details, that your husband may be the victim of a scam here, and that you need time to process this before responding in anger.
I know once you post on here, there will be people willing to "go to battle" for you and get you all worked up, but I think your initial response is awesome and that you should just set it aside (as much as possible - that has to be REALLY hard) and get through the next few days of celebrating with the children you KNOW you have. The ones who are there in your home, in your arms, wanting their Mommy and Daddy and being secure in who those people are!
Best of luck with this situation and again, good job on keeping your cool with this reaction!
I like what Amy J had to say. I think she is right on.
I think way deep down, you are angry that your husband slept with this woman. Yes, I know you weren't "together" at that time, but you had a newborn daughter together, and you may feel that he should have manned up, married you (which also fixes the whole visa issue, yes?), stayed by your side, and none of this would have happened. Right? I don't know, maybe that's not how you feel, but reading your story, that's how I might have felt in your shoes. Additionally, it sounds like you're feeling upset with him because he told you about it in the first place. As you've pointed out, this woman is married and her husband has accepted the baby as his own (and who are we to say it isn't really his, anyway?). So really, given any absence of proof that this baby is even his, AND the mother doesn't seem to want or need your husband's involvement, why in the world did he choose to burden you with this information? You may be feeling that he should have kept his mouth shut and worked through these issues on his own rather than wrecking your Christmas and acting all mopey and depressed. And THEN, as if it weren't already enough, to tell you just to forget about it until the holidays are over. Seriously, dude? *headsmack*
I think you have every right to your feelings. If he will not go to counseling, then go by yourself. Being able to acknowledge your feelings and decide what you want to do in a non-judgmental environment would probably be very helpful to you.
My heart goes out to you. What an awful thing to have happen, and in the middle of the holidays as well! I'm so sorry.
Well, I know I'm a skeptic, but I'd want proof of paternity. Without that, this is total hearsay.
For instance - How can the husband think it's his when his wife says the two of them "can't have kids"?? That doesn't make sense. What is the motive of this woman to tell him this is his daughter, but she doesn't want anything from him? That doesn't make sense either.
I think the problems in your marriage are bigger than this child. I would insist on evidence, then continue to work on your communication issues and your marital issues overall. I would go to counseling, as you said, whether he joins you or not.
Wow! Almost this exact same thing happened to my former employer just over a year ago. Suddenly he gets a call from a young girl claiming to be his daughter! He had DNA - sure enough she's his daughter. His wife, who is a saint, didn't have any problems with it per se, but at first she didn't want him to tell their daughters that this young woman was their step sister. She wanted her introduced as a friend. I think, however, that they did tell them the truth; my advice to him was to be honest because eventually it will come out and the girls will be angry that you lied. It has taken some adjustment, but the newly discovered daughter now spends holidays with them and she is forging a relationship with her half siblings.
I don't think there is anything for you to be angry about other than the way you were told. I would only focus on that, the communication issue.
after the holidays sit down with him after the kids are in bed. tell him that you love him and will stand by him. let him know your not mad but shocked. you want to help him as much as possible.
I can only imagine the amount of stress, guilt, uncertainty and so much more that he felt when it came to telling you. I wouldn't be mad about how he told you. If it were me, I would support him and be there for him to vent. This absolutely affects you but it affects him even more. This BOMB has been dropped in his lap and he can do NOTHING about it. He won't get to even acknowledge his own daughter! This is huge and you can make it a burden and cause more stress on the situation or you can be the one to help reduce this stress during this already hectic, stressful time of year. The ball really is in your court....
I think you're on the right track to get into counseling for yourself. I know that being a mommy to three doesn't leave you with much free time, but I would look into how his culture handles affairs like this. This would give me insight as to how to motivate him towards healing or dissolving the relationship (whichever route you set your mind to). This sounds incredibly stressful news, as he may gravitate back to his homeland and be curious to see this daughter. Good luck
First of all, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I really hope that you are able to find a way through all of this.
I guess I don't really know what to tell you to help make things better, even for a little bit. It seems like your husband has really closed down many of the options that would be a go-to, such as counseling, or even sitting down and speaking to you face-to-face. He was probably scared of how you would react, which is why he chose to call you on the phone and text you about the situation. I think it was a cowardly way to tell you, and if my husband told me something like that over the phone or via text, he'd catch it real good when I saw him next. You seem to be much more understanding and forgiving of the situation than I would be. All I can suggest for you is to try prayer (if you pray), and possibly meditation or some time away - even just a few hours to yourself to take a long hot bath, get your hair/nails done, or whatever, can go a long way to help relieve some stress.
Good luck to you. I hope things work out how you would like them to.
Wow! That is a bombshell. I'm guessing you're in the numb period of shock. I agree his way of communicating such an important bit of information was completely the wrong way to go. I'm going to guess he was super embarrassed, ashamed, etc., and didn't want to see your face when he told you. (kind of like a 16 year old girl I knew who told her mom she was pregnant via a text message)
I like the idea of writing a letter to him while it is still fresh and raw. This will help you organize your thoughts and feelings. Can you ask him to do the same? I would also hold off a few days, unless you really feel the need to get it out of your system.
Maybe start your letter or your conversation with, "I forgive you for sleeping with this woman and fathering this child, however.....
Good luck, mama. I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all, let alone a few days before Christmas.
AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED":
To clarify what you are saying, "his parents would never allow it", do you mean his parents control him, and he controls you? What happens when his parents aren't around?
Generally, I believe in doing all you can to save a marriage. In your case, your man has proven to be:
Controlling
Selfish
Dishonest
Unfaithful
Adulterer
Manipulator
The fact that he thinks so little of you and your kids that he would spoil your Christmas just to clear his own conscious is just mean. Did it ever occur to you that he might just be stying with you for a green card or permanent status here? Do your kids have passports? He sounds like the type that could take off with the kids and never look back.
I would take my kids and get away from him, file for divorce and custody as fast as I could. Maybe you could salvage a little Christmas for you and your kids. Do you have friends and family you can go to?
Blessings....
