J., I think it's time for you to get some help.
Scrolling through your posts, there seems to be a lot of conflict in your family. But what bothers me most is, in this post, your husband seems to have no clue about what you do (even though he helped make five babies with you, so the first child should have given him some kind of hint that it wasn't easy) AND I think he has some anger management issues. I'm not trying to be mean, but his reactions of destroying a toy, screaming at children and sending them to bed...these are *severe overreactions*.
"He was watching any combo of kids from morning until afternoon. That's probably too much, I know. "
No, this is not 'too much'. Maybe for him, but many fathers are capable of dealing with the brood while mom is out, even for overnights and girl's weekends. Is it fun? No, but no more work than what mothers do when their husbands want the same time out of the house on the weekends.
"He would not be stuck babysitting but then all the kids are at home, and they'll get yelled at by him."
The only option in either case does not offer any comfort. I am concerned when I hear about a parent behaving in this way, so angry that he's going to be 'set off' just by their presence, more or less. They are kids, J.. This is not a healthy way to grow up, being screamed at for mistakes. They are kids. Just little kids. This hurts my heart to read this.
It's time to get a sitter once every few weeks and invest in some couples counseling. First, it's not babysitting when it is one's own children one is watching-- it's parenting. It is part of the job. Second, you don't need to be getting a bunch of flak for trying to do what more or less needs to be done.
And he desperately needs anger management classes. Like, yesterday. This is becoming a toxic environment for both you and your children. He can tell them "I love you" all day, but screaming at them negates this-- or they grow up with a very distorted sense of what love and parenting looks like.
I know you don't want this to be the model for your children's future relationships and believe me, they will either grow up wanting to be invisible or in constant conflict with dad. He's not offering enough positives to take the sting out of those volatile moments. Kids can develop deep psychological scars and behavioral issues which they will carry with them into adulthood if this environment is allowed to continue. No, I do not think we should thank them for misbehaving, but how we manage ourselves is what they see 'being a parent' to be. And it can take years of therapy as an adult to undo the damage of growing up with a constantly angry person. The kids won't stop being a problem for him, because there are always new challenges they are dealing with. (i.e.-- they stop throwing balls in the house, but start making weird noises at dinnertime, and then later they are going to challenge him to assert their independence because, developmentally, they are *supposed to*. ) If he cannot deal with relatively easier, more distractable and persuadable little ones, how is he going to deal with a backtalking pre-teen?
I'm not saying this to scare you, but to show you that you need to find help. You are not the wrong party in this situation, J.. Most families with multiples that I know of have good systems in place. Maybe your husband should be the one to do the ferrying to-and-fro of the kids to their lessons for now. (Or maybe not, it really depends on if you are getting information for their at-home lessons). I grew up with lots of half and step siblings and there were times in which we had five kids in the house all summer long, but we didn't see the parents lose it like this regularly. It made a huge impression when they did, but it wasn't a given. I'm sorry. Please, get some help.