Husband Doesnt Want Another Child

Lots of good responses... here's one other angle. Have you thought of adopting? Maybe even a child older than your baby, which would nullify the early retirement argument?

I agree though, that you both need to be on the same page, or it's just not a great idea. Pray about it. Do you have a pastor you can talk to? Consider talking to a third party or a couple of counseling sessions if you really cannot agree.

Maybe consider being a foster parent or adopting a child that is older.

my question to him would be.. "what difference does 3 more years make?" I mean, seriously, your 21 month old will still be at home or just out of the house at his retirement, right? so what would 3 more years be?
good luck, but dont force him to see it your way cause you dont want him to resent you and the new baby.... just sit down with him and discuss your feelings about it

are you religious? the adding-a-child-to-our-family has always been a matter of prayer for us, and we trust that God will help us be ready when it is time.

keep in mind that a definite NO now could melt over time. maybe not now, but next year?

having had two and three year olds, i definitely think that a baby with a three year old is much more manageable. they are so much more independant, helpful, potty trained, and old enough to understand.

Have you tried teling him the exact reasons for your wanting another child? About how sad your heart is at the thought of never having two children?
Mabye he feels guilty about not being able to spend more time with your son. That having another child he doesn't see will make you and your children resent him.
Men can be worried just like us but often choose to shut down or shut us out.
After teling him how you feel ask him to at least think about it. Give him a few days to mull it over. It will take time. If needs be ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you. Sometimes an outside persective is what is needed.

Sounds like a problem to me for both of you. Maybe you should have talked a little more before you got married about what type of family you both wanted. I hate to point this out but if he retires at 58 you probably will still have a child at home! If he would retire at 62 you could have another child. Explain to him how it will be for your child when they are older and the only one to deal with aging parents, losing their parents and being the only one to handle all of the details and no one to share memories and grief with. He may never have considered those problems in the future for your child. Children with siblings learn to share much better, learn how to support each other better, and are less likely to be selfish and spoiled. I don't know if it will help, but you could suggest since he doesn't want to have any more children and you do and that his objection is because he wants to retire early you become foster parents.

I know how you feel. My sisters each have 3 and a stepchild. I have spent my whole life taking care of their kids. My ex was unable to have kids and I had to choose between someone I loved very much and having a family. I loved him enough to make that sacrifice. Unfortunately after 7 years and alot of unrelated problems we decided that a divorce was the best thing for us. Now I have a wonderful man in my life. And after all those years of thinking I would never have a family, we have an adorable little boy who just turned 1. He was a bit of a surprise as we were not planning a family since we hadn't been together long but we would not trade him for anything in the world. I have never wanted to have just one baby because all my friends who were only children desperately wished for a sibling. When I was pregnant my boyfriend insisted that he was done having kids once the baby was born. He has a teenager from a previous relationship and thinks he's too old to have anymore kids (I'm 27 and he's 37). After having Junior and getting to be the full time dad his ex wouldn't let him be to his daughter (long story there) he is willing to have one more. Sit your husband down and explain your reasons for wanting another baby. Explain that you love him and respect his opinion but that you feel in your heart that you need to have just one more baby. As far as his age, that isn't really a factor. My parents divorced when I was little. A few years ago my Father remarried and they decided to have a baby. So I'm 27 with a 4 year old little brother. Took some serious adjustment there LOL but I wouldn't trade him!!!! So my father is over 50 and raising a little one. He still gets down on the floor and plays with him, we all get together as a family at the play area of our local mall and let the kids play together. All but my son of his nieces and nephews are older than him but they all get along fine. I understand the "very little child care" too. My son goes everywhere with us most of the time. He's only been to a babysitter three times because he absolutely couldn't go with us someplace. My boyfriend works third shift so he is home all day with us. I am currently a SAHM although I want to return to work. Good luck with your hubby. I understand his concern since you two got a late start on your family but he needs to consider your feelings too.

I agree with all of the "moderate-thinking" women on here, there are goods and bads to either way. Only you and your husband can decide something like this. I can also say that I totally understand where you are coming from, not feeling complete. I was in your boat about 3 years ago and something was telling me that another child was meant to be (despite having a boy and a girl, what a lot of people long for), and it turns out she was, neither of us can imagine life w/o her. However, it did take some talking my husband into it and he did resent for a while, even for the first few months of her life. She is now almost 2.5 and she has him "wrapped" and he doesn't regret it what so ever but still does occasionally joke about it, so overall, things fell into place over time. Now, I can point out that we were a bit younger than you and your husband at the time and I was just shy of being high risk, with my husband being 1.5 years younger than me, so that is something to consider obviously. Having an only child was definitely out of the question for us at the get-go (so I understand your point of view on that), however, three was really pushing it, but as you can see, it worked out.

One more thing I want to add is that I'm apalled at the response from Diana W. and wouldn't pay attention to the negativity coming from that woman. Maybe that is her opinion, but she was very rude and obviously this topic hit a nerve for her. Mamasource tends to be a very positive site and I haven't seen many confrontations or negative responses, honesty, yes, but not mean replies such as hers.

Overall, I want to say good luck with you and your husband's choice on how to move forward. Don't forget that we only live once and if you're feeling that tug (especially considering you only have one), I'm not saying that your husband shouldn't have a say, but I'm saying that you need to calmly, yet strongly let your husband in on what you're feeling. This tug is definitely much stronger in women and a lot of times, it doesn't even "hit" the man until that baby is born. Overall, the choice that's made will work out for the best, either way it goes. Take care.

Hi T....I don't want what I say to upset you, so let me start with saying I know what it feels like to want a child. It took me 3 years to have my daughter (who is now 8 months old). I know what the ache to have a baby feels like.

But I can understand where your husband is coming from. I have a healthy daughter and I decided I am done. I don't want anymore. I am 33, and I feel like I am too old. After 35 the chances for all types of complications increase. Our eggs are older now, and so much could go wrong. I am afraid to have another because what if I had a downs baby? I don't think I could handle that. I feel so blessed that I have one healthy child, I don't want to risk it. Maybe your husband is thinking the same thing.

You need to be on the same page. If you both don't agree on another child, then you should hold off and let it go for awhile. Don't mention it for awhile and see if he changes his mind. If not then maybe you need to try to see the blessing it is to have one healty child.

Good luck and I hope this all works out for you!

T.,

I think I have posted this before, but I will probably be 80 years old and still feel that tug, that bittersweet tug, of motherhood. Of pregnancy. Of holding a little newborn in my arms and knowing she is my responsibility, my love, my life. It just comes with the female territory.

And I don't think it will ever go away. Sure, it will diminish over time. It won't be there every waking moment. But I know that ache quite well. My husband and I have opted not to have any more children (after two). And my head says it's the right choice for us. But it will always be different in my heart. The desire to add to our family. To share our love and joy with even more.

I would put the standoff on hold for a while. Tell your husband that you're going to take a break from discussing it, but assure him that it is extremely important to you and that you will be talking about it again and that the subject is not yet closed. I'm assuming he knows how strongly you feel and can fully understand how emotionally charged it makes you feel. If not, let him know.

Bring it up again when your husband is not feeling so stressed with work and overwhelmed with fatherhood. ... if a time like that exists. But a time when it's not so crazy for him and he can listen to you and hear you thoughtfully.

Good luck to you,
J.

Relax! And don't take any forms of birth control. If it happens great! If not then you know it was not meant to be. Stop beating yourself and husband up.

I know how you feel. I suggest you sit down with him and tell him how you feel. You still have time to have another. You can remind him that you're the one who has to keep up with two, not him. As for child age, if you have one in the next year or two, by the time your husband is 58 your oldest will still be at home (your son will be 15 and your second 13 or 14) so his point there is a little moot.

What helps me is honestly reminding myself that as much as I "want" a second child, I just couldn't handle a baby and my toddler at the same time. Not yet anyway. You say you are exhausted at night, perhaps that's a hint that you need to wait another year for your little guy to be a bit older and more self-controlled.

Most of all, talk to him, communication is the key to a good relationship.

Good luck.

Hi T.,
I cant say that i have some wonderful advise for you becasue i know just how you feel. My situation is a little different. My husband and i are both 26 and we have a wonderful little boy who will be two next month. I have this ache in my heart for another baby. I can not shake it no matter what i do. I was not a only child and neither was my husband. But recently my brother in law passed away. So needless to say i have let the subject go for now. I know we are still young. But my problem is i didnt want my kids to be far apart in age. But the death of my brother in law has deff pushed things back quite a bit. By my own choice. My husband is going through so much right now that i wouldnt want to add that stress to him. But it worries me that he is saying more that we are ONE AND DONE! All i can think to myself is What if something "God Forbid" happened to our son! We would be empty handed. One thing that i think has helped My mother in law to pull through is my husband and our son. I dont want my son to go through life without a sibling because in the end they do love each other UNCONDITIONALY!!!! And if something were to happen to my husband or myself or both. I would not want him to be left Alone!!! I am also having a lot of problems with child care at this point. I work PT for insurance and it has been a nightmare trying to find someone that i can afford.But if you dont have to worry about that i say DONT GIVE UP!!!! FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT!!!!
Maybe these are some subjects you could discuss with your husband. I dont know if it would help him or not! the only thing i can do is wish you the BEST of luck and i hope you do get your addition!!!! We will be praying for you because i know that ache hurts!!!!
God Bless!

When people get older (50+) they start thinking back on their lives, about what they have accomplished and what they will do with the rest of their lives. I would like to say just go for it, with or without his permission, but that would be wrong. He is the one supporting you and the kids.
What if you promise to work a fulltime job when the last one is in high school until he is out of college so that would take the financial burden off your husband?

The desire to have children is very strong in women. For men, it is just a desire to have sex. I have a friend who adopted her first child at age 49, hubby is 42, and trying to adopt a second. She jogs every morning to keep in shape and have energy for her child.

Working all day is not good exercise; you both need a half hour of aerobic exercise 3 times a week to be healthy and energetic. When our kids were young, my husband and I would take them hiking- 2-3 mile hikes as many weekends as we could; even at age 3 & 4 our kids loved it. Bicycling and swimming are also great exercises.

If you cannot convince him, you might benefit from counseling, alone or together. I always wanted 5 kids, I settled for 3 and at age 53 I still wish I would have had at least 4. But there are many things you can do to help your nurturing desire: work at a school, daycare, volunteer at hospital or food pantry. These all help satisfy that desire.

Hi T., Good luck to you! That's a tough predicament to be in I'm sure. You mentioned you are worried your husband would resent the baby if you had it. I can almost guarantee he would not resent it once it's in the world and it grabs his heart. Now, he might resent the lack of sleep and challenges another newborn brings. However, that is a fleeting stage. (I"m sure it seems like your son was just born yesterday.) In another year, your son will start preschool and things will start to get easier. Since money is not an issue, you could propose that you hire some extra sitting help should you have another. Just my opinion. I understand the strength/desire for another child. Good luck to you! A.

I will say with my two, having the second made things easier. Not the first year. The first year was harder. Now, they go play. They are just barely 2 and almost 5 and already it makes it easier to have 2. Just maybe a point to bring up. Good luck.

T.,
I know how you feel. I was an only child and I love having lots of people around me all the time. So of course I want more children. My son just turned two and I am afraid that the longer we wait, the lower the chances of him bonding with his sibling will be. But that is silly. My husband did say that we could try in a couple of months so that our son will be around three when our second arrives. My dad had me when he was 40 something. And if you have a child now, they will be so close in age that it won't make a difference for when he retires. We have our kids with us for 18 years, normally, that is a very small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. What's two years of a child being at home when you are retired. I know that you don't feel this way, he does. I just want you to know I feel for you and will certainly be praying for your situation. Let me know if you would like another only child's shoulder to cry on. In everything in life we must be content with what we have (that doesn't mean the cards we are dealt are always easy ones). But I would caution you to not be so consumed with not having another child that you miss the joy of the one you have. I don't mean that to sound harsh. I know for myself I just need people to tell me things straightforward. Hey, we were both only children and we survived. From day one I have made sure Jonah is surrounded with people, just in case we don't have another child. Sorry for rambling.

T., I must say that after having 3 kids (ages 6, 4 and 2) what seemed like a huge task (having a child) is so much easier now! Now I know what to expect and I feel much more relaxed about parenthood. Sibling also are a great help!!! They entertain each other, which gives you extra breaks or time to finish things. They also teach other things, which helps them grow up a little faster (our youngest daughter wants to do everything like the other kids so she asked for a big girl bed and wanted to prove to us she could take her naps all by herself like the others do). I'm sure that your husband might be a little bit resentful to give in at the beginning but later one he won't be able to resist all the love that comes from your child! I would say that my life is much easier with 3 than when I had 1! isn't that ironic??? Many times I have a ton of things to do and all the kids will go out to our yard or the playroom and keep each other company. It makes me feel like I'm not leaving any of my kids alone when I have to do chores or work. So I do agree that is good to have at least one sibling!

I must agree that Diana W was a little bit negative. When you have more kids, you even get to reuse your crib, baby clothes, etc. so you can save on the big stuff. I have 3 and have no babysitting at all. I work almost full time from home and we have all worked it out. Kids grow up so fast! My son is already in Kindergarden, doesn't come back from school until 3 pm. My daughter is in preschool and my third will start in 1 year. So all the exhausting part goes by so fast!!!! When I was born, my dad was 36 and he retired when I turned 18. My brothers and I got scholarships for college so we could afford it. we never felt like they failed us. It made us value all the work we had to do to be successful in life. I think the best part of my dad being older is that he was sooo patient and he taught me so much. If it makes you feel better, one of my best friends just turned 36 and had twins and she already had a toddler!! so you always find extra energy!

I conceived my first son when I was 38 and my second when I was 40. So you are not too old. I feel that our boys are just the right age. They are now able to play with each other and I enjoy it when they make each other laugh. Whether or not to have another child is a decision you both should make. My husband was the one that brought up the idea of trying for a second and we are still discussing a third. We are not actively trying but we are not taking steps to prevent one either. I was told at 19 and again at 26 when I was younger that I would not be able to naturaly concieve due to a hormonal imbalance. We things seemed to correct themselves and I found my self pregnant at 38. You could always explain your reasoning to your husband and ask him to think about it. Holiday times are best especially if you have relatives or friends that have kids that are spaced out like yours would be. The best time to bring it up would be while you are your husband are out. My husband and I were on the way to his company's Christmas party that was being held are a resturant in the mall when we passed a family with two kids and boy and a girl. The little boy was holding his younger sisters hand while they were going down the stairs and my husband pointed them out said to me that our son needed a baby sister too. If you are out and you run accross a similar situation you could casually drop that it would be nice if you son had a brother or sister to play with or have someone to look up to him and use this as a starting point for a dialog with your husband.

Hi T..

I just wanted to tell you that I am going through the same thing as you. My husband will be 43 this year and I am 28. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. WE ARE SO BLESSED to have her. I wanted a girl so bad. But the day she was born, I already wanted a boy soon after. My husband and I HAD talked about 2 kids before we were married... I had actually wanted 4, but we compromised at 2. But when my daughter was born and wasn't sleeping through the night and became a very strong personality (but sweet) child, he got tired and didn't know if he would have the energy for 2. He understands that a second child might be totally opposite, but he's afraid to have another non-sleeping child (she JUST started sleeping through the night recently). He also wants to retire early at 55.. but I think he sees now that this is not possible. We are not using any birth control or preventing pregnancy really... so I just pray and pray each cycle that I will be pregnant. I will admit that every time that I'm not pregnant, it really bums me out and I do ache when my friends tell me they're on their second or third child. But I keep praying about it. One thing I keep feeling in my heart is that if my focus is not on God or in appreciating the family I do have, then I am just delaying the prospect of having another child or even ruling it out... but if I keep my eyes on God and am faithful to submit to His will. ..with two children or mot... then if it is His will... great.. but if not, I will accept it too. The strange thing is that I even have a boy's name picked out... and I keep seeing the name everywhere I go. It's almost as if there are little "signs" around me that it may happen soon. But I'll be praying for you too. If you ever want someone to talk with about it, you can e-mail me: ____@____.com. I would love to pray with you together for our families.

My husband wanted to stop after one too. He's an only child, and I have 2 sisters and a brother. I didn't feel like I was "done yet" either. We had several discussions about it.

Our issues were slightly different in that we had to have help getting pregnant to begin with too. He mentioned to me at one point a long time ago that he noticed that my siblings and I had something he didn't ever have growing up too, but couldn't describe it - just something he felt like he missed out on being an only child.

He agreed to "go for 2" but wasn't real "gung ho" about it - just he knew it was that important to me. We do have 2 daughters now, and wouldn't trade them for anything. AND, the second is a true "daddy's girl" through and through. If I try to go get her if she wakes up in the night, she will bat my hands away and fuss until my husband comes to get her, or I promise to take her to daddy.

Our daughters are 3 years apart, and get along great. Both my husband and I are 42, and we have a 2 1/2 year old and a 5 1/2 year old. So I know what you mean about the age thing, but it can be done!! And with the "wanting to retire when he's 58" thing...has he seen the economy lately? Chances are he's not going to be able to retire at 58 even if he wants to just because there are too many variables that are beyond his control (like the economy, the stock market) and unless he's found some new way to grow money trees, I wouldn't be counting on that "retiring at 58" thing unless he wants to go work at Wal-Mart when he's 60. (Not trying to quash the dream of his, just trying to be realistic.)

The best thing I can suggest is to have a true heart to heart, and explain to him how important it is for you to try to give something to your son (a sibling). Help him to realize that when the time comes for him to make decisions about his parents (if they need to go into a retirement home or something) that at least he has siblings to talk to about it, and with you, it's just you. If you have 2 kids, at least you won't put the whole process on your only child. (These were all things we discussed too.)

Realize too there will always be a part of you that "wants more". I loved being pregnant with both my daughters - LOVED it. I can almost understand the Dugger family having 18 kids--I loved being pregnant that much! I know we decided on 2, and that was "it" - but I still kinda wish we could have had more sooner.

For what it's worth....and good luck!!

i'm a 39 year old mother of a 21 month old myself; my husband just turned 44 in february. before we got married, we discussed children: he wanted them and i didn't, but i agreed that i would. i told him right then and there, tho, that i'd want at least 2 and maybe 3. now that we've had our son, i'm so glad we did. neither one of us can believe how much love and joy he has brought to our lives.

ironically, though, my husband seems reluctant to have another one. he talks about the unstable economy, but whatever. for centuries, people have figured out how to get by. as someone who'll be 40 in october, i'd like to get this show on the road myself. and while he hasn't said no, he hasn't been doing a lot to make it happen, if you know what i mean. so i feel your pain.

this is my feeling: if you're like the majority of the women out there, you're doing the majority of the child-rearing, home responsibilities, etc. so it's not like it would be a big deal for him and also, what's another 2-3 years til retirement? besides, that will give him more time to enjoy his kids' activities. if he won't listen to reason, he may not be willing to go to a counselor, but sounds like a 3rd party may be what you need. good luck! and sorry i missed diane's response...sounds like it was interesting. :)

Go to counseling and talk it through with him and a third party. I don't know if this is something you talked about before you got married, but if you did, and there was an understanding of what your family would look like, I think you owe it to each other to stick to that plan.

As much as I understand your position, it's NOT about you. Do you REALLY want a child to have a "ghost dad"? If he's working 60 hours now, what makes you think he won't be working 80 to support a second child? Is that REALLY what you want? DO NOT LET THIS RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE.

If you want other children around, then barter child sitting w/ other moms, start a play group, etc. There are PLENTY of ways to have other children around without the full financial and physical responsibilities.

As the child gets older, find a child that they can "adopt" from another country. There are SO many kids out there who need financial, medical, educational, etc. support. Change your focus from YOU wanting and having another child to making the difference in another child's life by supporting them, etc in a different way.

I'm on your husband's side with this one! I'd rather him work less hours, retire earlier and spend more time with him. You DID marry HIM.

Read Huge Prather's THE LITTLE BOOK OF LETTING GO

Hi Tersea i have the same problem. My husband will be 40 this year and i just turned 24. lol i know what you are thinking. But he doesnt want another child either because he will be 40. But i am like you i want one more. But a few months back we really thought i was pregnant but it turned out that i wasnt. I thought he would be happy but actually he got really emotional and upset that i wasnt. So maybe you should discuss this more. Or maybe if you did become pregnant he might be ok with it. But im not saying get pregnant on purpose. but we had a scare and now he wants another one. Hope that what i said could give you some advice.

OKAY do NOT take this the WRONG way BUT I will say 1 is enough.. I DO have 2 and LORD you have NO TIME for each other at all unless you have help once in awhile. We have a 4 yr old and a 19 mo and OMW it was SO easy with 1 NOW with 2 it is CRAZY to try to go anywhere without my husband and if yours is working long hrs I would say it will be HARD ON YOU to do EVERYTHING with kids, house , laundry everything. It is hard and I get stressed NOT b/c of kids LOVE EM to death but just a lot of work and he does help some but not enough.. I feel for you on seeing moms prego b/c I got tubes tied so I would not have more plus getting close to 40 lol. I am sure your lil one will be ok being the only child I know a lot who were only child and they are fine now just get play mates and send em home lol.... Hope things go ok BUT do not beat your husband up with not wanting one he might not want one b/c he knows he is hardly home and does not want you to have all the burden on your shoulders b/c trust me honey it is WORK.... Good Luck SAHM mom married 8 yrs

YOu cannot change his opinion, but you can change your reaction to it. I know someone who was an only child of only children and she had no Aunts and Uncles or first cousins!! Wow! FYI: She chose to have a larger family.
Turn your thoughts/prayer over the the God of your understanding and open your mind to possibly adopting an older child or children. You may be surprised at how that could/can make your family complete. Good luck. My girls are 6 years apart and the second one was a wonderful surprise - and we have adapted to being older parents...it can keep you youger too!