Husband Does Not Want Our Child to Attend Private School

Private school kids talk about sex, have issues and cut themselves, and are often entitled. When the kids drive better cars than the staff, you've got serious issues including drugs on campus. Rich kids do drugs more than poor kids.
You can get a decent education from any public school in the nation. Leave him where he is. There are rough starts no matter what school you attend. Save the money you would have spent...

Don't expect any of the bad behaviors above to not happen at private school. Kids are kids, especially teens! You'll just pay $900 a month for a different school without the sports he wants.

My husband attended private and hated the small intimacy. It was very rough socially.

$900/month! I can't believe they have a single space! Jump on it-well worth the money. The benefits will come back to him/you ten fold.

Like it or not, it's all normal stuff. My kids go to one of the best public schools in the state, and it happens there too. I think you are being way too naïve if you think a private school for $900 a month will shelter your child. I think this is one fight you are having with your husband that is senseless. Your son needs to know how to deal with all of this, because when he is an adult, he will be faced with it, and I believe it's best to teach them when they are young how to go on day to day with people that are way different than you want to be. There will be kids just like your son going to the public school, he will just have to weed through all the other kids he doesn't want to befriend, to find someone to be his friend. And really why would you want to put yourself in financial trouble for this?

So have YOU been to the school to check this all out yourself? Have you spoken with the teachers and the Principal? Take this question and your son and discuss these concerns.

I can imagine there might be a little of this going on, but I cannot imagine the entire school is all like this.

Our neighborhood middle school is very different from the cute little elementary school she attended. It is larger and a different population feeds into it.

Yes, there were a few students did have some issues or tried to act cool, or more mature than they were, but over all,, the majority of the kids, were still the neighborhood kids.

I think having students from ages 11 - up to 14 can amplify the difference in developments. Also the older the students are, the older their siblings are and the more they are witnessing in their homes. More mature language, movies, music.. This will be the same even in private schools.

I was PTA President at the middle school level and this is what I realized and learned about this age group. .. Out of all of the students at that school. There were 12 students that actually had on going issues. These were the kids that the assistant principals spent most of their time with based on behaviors.

These were based on certain factors n their lives. BUT they do deserve an education. And the majority of these kids were not in the academic classes that our daughter was in. The academic based classes were filled with students like her but the electives could include all sorts of students.

Our daughter learned very quickly who to hang with and who were not ever going to be her friends.

Yes she was polite, but she kept her attention on herself or her friends.

This is part of the difference from elementary school.

You need to help your son navigate this.

Again, do not freak out. Remember the saying, you believe half of what your child says goes on at school and the school will believe half of what he tells them goes on at home.

Our daughter, my nephew and my niece all have gone through this same middle school. Yes, it was a surprise to them that there are some kids that can be wild, that have issues, who look different who have different values but they were all able to stay clean, get good grades and have wonderful diverse friends.

I also encourage you to volunteer at this school. Volunteer in the library the front office,l with some of the special area teachers, with the PTA.. you will then hear what is really going on at the campus.

If you think that all that stuff doesn't happen in private school, you're being naive.

Doors will open for your child no matter what school they go to. Even at private school your son can fail.... if he wants to.

The thing with private school with a class so small is - when you get sick of your classmates you are so totally stuck with them.
In the public school, sure there are some bad apples.
Every school has some - and they get gossiped about by everyone.
BUT there are good kids too.
You get to meet a wide variety of people and teachers and coaches - and learning how to interact with them all is great preparation for college.
Sometimes private schools are definitely the way to go - when the public school student body is extremely violent with a high crime rate is one example when.
But I don't think your public school sounds that bad.

Well, given the fact that you don't say what you think your hubby's "real" issues are/is, it's hard to say. I thought it was the money, but apparently you think that's a smoke screen. So, without knowing what it is your hubby really objects to, it's hard to give an opinion.

I will say that $900 per month is a huge expense. I will also say that given time, your son will meet and become friends with like-minded students.

School is all what the student makes it. If your son buckles down and does his work and works his academic program to his advantage and to the best of his ability, he will do just fine. If, however, he does not have the moxxy to stand up to his peers and be who and what he is, then he may have a problem. It will all boil down to the lessons he has learned thus far re acceptance of personal responsibility; self-esteem.

I am not sure if I have any answers, but here are a few things to consider. If your son moves to a private school is this for one year? Would he be attending a private high school, which usually is more costly than private K-8. Financially, one year is a lot different than 5 years. Also, if your son is in athletics, he will more than likely make friends from the sports. Moving into any school much less a middle school is tough. If you decide to keep him at the public school, contact the social worker at the school, she may have a couple of students she/he know that aren't "crazy, waving lunatic" middle schoolers. Heads up, if a girl calls your son "hot"-it is what it is. If he is new, cute, polite those comments are very common. Talk to your son about girls and their actions and comments. P.S. I work with middle schoolers-this age group is......interesting to say the least!

If you can afford it and only have to sacrifice a new boat, then you should do it. Just keep in mind that not only is it $900/month for tuition, it's the uniforms, field trips, extracurricular activities, donations they will seek, etc, on and on. Always something. My kids go to a private school, though we pay less than $800/month for two kids. But there are always other expenses that you would not have had or felt pressure to have in a public school. Just something else to consider.

I honestly couldn't fathom spending $900 a month on 8th grade. Unless it's a prep school feeding into Ivy Leagues, there aren't more opportunities. In fact, many public schools have better AP course selections....and the kids are the same everywhere....

The peers he hangs with don't matter that much. What matters is what you have taught him, and his ability to make good choices.

Give your son some time to find a good group of friends. Public school has so much more to offer. That is where you get life experiences and learn how to deal with many different people and situations. Public has the sports your son wants. Have him join some after school clubs with kids like himself. When in private school, the world is very limited. So I am with your husband on this one.

These things go on all over. My boys had a chance to attend a private school tuition free!!!! We passed it up. There are more drugs and issues in privates because the families generally have big bucks.

I think when he gets settled and adjusts to a new school. I think he will be ok.

You mention you come from a very rural area. I went to a more urban public school, have worked in rural schools and now live in a more rural area. Frankly, I think these issues start happening around 8th grade regardless, and my observation is kids in rural schools tend to have more problems. They're bored because there's less to do, and a smaller class means a handful of kids with issues affect everyone more. When the weather is warm, it seems almost every weekend there's another horror story about kids getting in a car accident. Why? Because they have nothing better to do than drive around on winding country roads at 20 miles over the speed limit for fun.

Yes, urban/more suburban schools have kids with issues. Sometimes, it seems like a lot of kids. But there will also be a large number of kids like your son who are on the college track and generally try to stay out of trouble. He'll find those kids and make friends, but it might not happen in the first few days.

Also, a school with 25 kids per grade is just not going to be able to offer the same variety of classes and extracurriculars as a large school.

I really think you should give it until winter break, and meanwhile, look at other private schools too. I know you don't want him to miss the peer building trip, but you don't want your son's next five years of school to be shaped by a knee jerk reaction. You wouldn't buy any other $8,000 product without lots of shopping and consideration, would you?

Is this the only private school you have visited? Private schools "sell well". That's their job.

You can't totally escape the language, etc. And if the girl in Spanish class horrifies him, maybe it's a lesson to be more understanding about her. She's not harming HIM, is she? She's in deep pain herself. Many people are. One of the outcast kids in my HS I learned was a foster kid who had only what she could carry in her backpack. She wore one pair of shorts to gym every day because it was all she had. I befriended her because she was a good kid with crappy parents.

Instagram? He doesn't need to be on it. He can also block followers so he doesn't need to see their messages.

Here's a thought - you're coming up on this very suddenly. Are you acting out of fear or out of an informed decision?

My sks and I all did private school early on and then went to public school. It can be a culture shock. But you have to think are all the kids THIS GOOD or THIS BAD at either school? And don't bank on the fees being only $900 a month. Private means you pay for a lot more. So that 3 day trip, what's the fee? Your DH may be concerned that there are more fees than you yet know.

As far as driving, my sks did not learn to drive til they committed to a job. To pay for gas and insurance. My MIL commented just today on insurance, and DH informed her that they each pay their own share. Always have. My SS was nearly 18 and didn't get a car of his own til he was out of college. SD still doesn't have one.

My sks gravitated toward kids who were in theatre or leadership groups and stayed out of any squabbles that happened in the school. Some programs are like a school within a school. You should also find out what programs are available in the district for HS students. Magnets and other programs he might benefit from that aren't offered with the private school. As part of being fully informed. This might be a transitional year and then he gets into an IB program or something.

IMO, I'm not sure you know enough, other than he's having adjustment pains and this other school is starting soon. You say your DH has gone to the current school...have you? Or are you just basing it on the third hand info?

If your son is sad, why? Does he simply miss his friends and rural school? Will going to the private school change that? Or will it just be more of the same, somewhere else?

You also said 8th grade....so is he the new guy when everybody has been together a few years? I've been there, except I was in 6th. I floundered a bit my first year but figured it out after that. If the HS starts at 9th, then there's a lot more equal footing for everybody that year. Everybody is "new" to an extent.

I hemmed and hawed about my DD. I wasn't sure about the school she was assigned for K and maybe I'll take her out next year. But I also wasn't 100% convinced about the school that I might be able to afford (if I took a different job and put her in daycare). So I spent a lot of time this summer talking to parents and getting their POV before deciding to enroll her (and she will attend the dual language program in her school). You might want to talk to parents at each school. Contact the PTA and see if anyone will speak to you. It might help.

I would take more time to think about it. It would be sad to miss a 3 day trip, but if school is starting next week (aka in just a few days), then you might be making a rush judgement instead of an informed one. I'd rather wait and make sure the move is the right one. Be it to that private school or another or to stay.

Is it that you can afford the money and he just doesn't want to spend it, or you really cannot afford it? Does it go through high school and do they have any information on how many of the kids go on to college and what they might earn in scholarship money? Does the school offer any kind of financial aide for students in need? How will paying for private school affect your ability to save for college, if that is what you are planning on doing?

You might want to consider researching other private schools in the area - costs, what they have to offer, etc. Ask your husband if he really thinks the local public school environment is an acceptable one. Keep in mind that not all private schools are problem-free either. Do you have the option of sending your son to a different school in a different district with fewer issues?

He hasn't had a chance to meet and befriend like-minded students, that's all. Been there myself. Moved from a small rural county to a large city with multiple high schools, all of which were larger than my single high school for entire county. I knew NO. ONE. But I was part of a group by virtue of being a band member from my previous school.
I had ready made friends practically!

My son was in private schools all his life until 6th grade, and we made the switch. It was a huge change. 9-10 kids TOTAL in his entire grade in 4th and 5th grade (with a total of just under 200 kids in K3-12), to a middle school (6, 7 & 8 grades) of nearly 1,000 kids.
He had a little bit of a rough start, but he made friends. I honestly believe it would have been easier for him if he'd joined a group or sport, but there weren't any he wanted to do.
Now, he is in 10th and is wrestling.

My daughter is in 7th this year, and she has been part of a smaller subgroup of kids due to being in the Gifted program in elementary. So even though a half dozen elementary schools feed into the middle school, she already had friends in her classes b/c they group the gifted kids together in their core classes. She also joined the band after the first 9 weeks, so she has more friends thru that. And this year has joined the Jr. Beta club. So she will have yet another "group" she will belong to.

Have your son seek out a "group" to belong to. It can be a science club or it can be one of the sports he likes. It doesn't matter. But fitting in and "belonging" can make a huge difference in his experience there. He hasn't had the chance to do that yet.

But the bigger school can give him more opportunity.

We often grumble about the fact that our county has only one high school (for nearly 3,000 kids) and say that it is b/c of the football program (top ranked in the state and even nationally ranked for several years running). They don't want to split it up. But, because all the resources go to only one school, they can offer much more to the students. The technical programs available is mind boggling. Our high school's welding team just earned the National Bronze medal (3rd place in the nation, and to qualify you have to take first in your state's competition). The kids can dual enroll in college. They can graduate high school job-ready with welding certificates, auto mechanic certificate, nursing assistant certs, masonry, plumbing, electrical, carpentry, architectural drawing and design, Engineering, all kinds of stuff! They even offer criminal investigation and forensics studies. How many high schools do that?

There is no way they could offer what they do if they had to provide 2 of everything for multiple high schools. Sucks for us that it is some distance away, but overall it is good for the student body.

So really look closely at what your public school is able to offer your son. And then imagine how much you could supplement anything missing with that $900 a month for the next 4 years.
He'll make friends.

And as so many before me have already mentioned, kids at private schools have issues, too. My husband went to them his entire life. My best friend did, too. And we sent our kids to them for several.

If you can't afford it, there's your answer. Your SWH doesn't make it seem like it realistically fits in with your financial situation without some risk.

What you are describing in the public school is totally normal for that age and happens in private school too. Private schools are a bit better at hiding it, but it's there. I went to one.

It's only been a few days. Give it more time...say, until winter break or the end of the year. Give your son time to find some friends, join some activities, and get settled. It's a hard age to switch schools but with time, most kids find their niche. My step-daughter moved into our home and our school district in the middle of 7th grade. It took her a few months to get settled but she did eventually get her feet under her and she's doing great - in a public school, where there are some 8th graders who drink, have sex, and smoke weed. The vast majority of kids don't though, and that's what you have to reassure yourself and your son of. And yes, middle schoolers swear and tell each other that they're "hot." All pretty harmless.

I wouldn't let a few days of culture shock push you into a rash decision to spend almost $10K a year on private school. The private school will still be there a few months or a year from now. If it's the right decision, it's a decision that you can make when you are all calmer and more rational.

I was in the NO, WAY $900 per month is a total waste of SERIOUS cash for high school unless you're rich. But you're saying it's really $450 with aid? And husband would rather have a boat? And college is paid for?

School is more important than boat. If you can afford it, do the better school and really make your husband understand how important it is that your son not spend high school dodging sketchy issues rather than learning.

Also, regardless of where he goes to school, he should work to pay for his car. This will save him from bad outside influences and idle time if he ends up in the public school.

Also, we have a private Christian school in my area. The art teacher confided in me once I started homeschooling that they have all the same terrible teenager issues there. Maybe a BIT less than the public school, but still an issue, and for so much money, meh, not worth it to me.

It's tricky because I don't know what it's like where you are. I can tell you that my daughter is in 8th grade at a private school and we love it. But guess what? The kids still talk about sexual acts and cussing is an 'issue'. Gangs are not really an issue, but they aren't at our public schools here either, just too suburban. She went to public elementary and now this private middle. I am amazed at how many people in her school bash the public school, when we have the same problems!

I want to say, as others have or will, that social problems are age related, not school related. Meaning you can't avoid them at any school. However, 25 students is something of a different story. In that case it wouldn't be that the students wouldn't do drugs or do vile things in the bathrooms, it's just that they don't have the chance- not hard to keep 25 kids under your thumb. Know what I mean? My daughter has 105 kids in her class, a little harder to keep track of!

If your public school is in a bad area, and you could afford the private, I say it might be worth it. But if it really is a top rated school, it wouldn't be awful to stay. What would he do for high school? While 25 kids is great to be nurtured at this age, these kind of numbers through high school may not adequately prep him for college. So if hubby really won't budge, remember that high school is often a different (better) story than middle school.

I've sent one to public school k-12 and the other is currently in private. There are so many pros and cons in the public/private debate that it really depends on the particular school and child.
That said, I think you may be rushing a bit. Your son started school on Monday and by Wednesday, you visited a private school with a transfer in mind. That's not a long adjustment period. If you jump to switch schools and find that he is unahppy at the private one, what happens?

i would want a better environment for my son too. the fact that most public schools are like this doesn't fly in my book. and i'm one of the most 'let kids experience other kids' moms around.
i don't believe in cotton wool parenting. but i also don't believe you have to dip them in the sewer to toughen 'em up.
the problem is that it sounds as if your husband's concerns are valid. if you can't afford it, you can't.
some private schools are amazing, and some stink. i went to an amazing one, so when my kid started to sink into the mediocre morass that was his public middle school, i put him in a private school that we could afford. it was laughable. i was aghast at how terrible the level of teaching was, and how low the academic bar for the students. no wonder they were able to brag about their number of A students when we visited.
and thus began our homeschool journey.
if that's not an option for you, keep looking! if everyone demanded better public schools, the quality would slowly rise.
khairete
S.

I think that you and hubby should have a serious chat. Are you saying the sports your hubby likes are not offered or the sports your son likes are not offered? If it's hubby he needs to get over it. If it's you son, maybe it isn't a good fit. If it truly comes down to cost, are their financial assistance options?

If this school doesn't work for whatever reason (including cost), you should probably keep looking...other private schools, other public schools, charter schools....is home schooling an option?

My thought is, if you CAN swing it, do. Your son is entering an stage where isolation can extract a heavy price. He deserves to have his unhappiness taken seriously.

BUT, it would be helpful to know WHY your husband is resisting in terms of price. Is it because he's never looked into private-school tuition and is reeling from sticker-shock? (A natural reaction, but the guy's got to get over it.) Or is it because he's budgeted everything (mortgage, college savings, everything) and there's no way this will work?

You also might try asking the private school about financial aid / reduced tuition. In my experience, schools are often willing to negotiate with families, up to a point. You'd still end up paying a lot, but less than the sticker price.

Finally, if the tuition really won't work, could you move, maybe, to an outlying suburban area? A school there might be more familiar and comforting than the urban public school (and offer a greater variety of sports than the private school).

I am very familiar with the area you live in and I understand your concerns completely. I, personally, would look into schools closer to your place of employment. I pay $1400 a month for private school because my children deserve to have the best education possible. Yes I have to live on a budget but its worth every penny. I also pay for the extracurricular activities they are engaged in at an additional cost of $335 a month. Look at schools closer to your place of employment & enroll him in the boys & girls club if you can, if not private school is worth the investment.

From where I sit, $900/month is a bargain for private school, and with all the sex/drugs/self-mutilation that seems to be happening at the public school, I'd switch my kid to the private school in a red-hot second. If the school doesn't offer the sports your son likes, why couldn't he just do a club sport after school? If you're financially able to send your son to the better school where he will have a better experience, do it. College isn't that far off. He needs all the advantages he can get.

Education before toys, hubby.

My parents put 5 of us through private school from K-12. My dad never complained at all about it, as that was one condition my mom had when they got married. Yes, it was a huge sacrifice, but well worth it.

My oldest is in 1st grade right now and we intend to send all of our kids to private school (at least) through 8th grade, and then reassess at that time.

By the way, do you have a job? If so, great! If not, I'd strongly advise getting one so that you can help pay for the tuition. You won't regret it!

If hubby is against it it's not going to happen so you have to let it go. Make sure you are prepared to take a stand if this is not acceptable to you. If you draw a line in the sand and say "He goes to private school or else" hubby is going to pick the "or else" part of that because no one likes ultimatums.

I suggest you try thinking about it this way. If you son wants to go to college his grades will be what gets him there. Are you thinking that just because he goes to a different school it's a guarantee he'll go? Or even get accepted to the one he wants to go to?

I know very few families that sent their kids to exclusive private schools. Almost all of the kids I know went straight in to college. I can only think of one that didn't. He took a few years off to come to terms with his parents divorce. Then once he was through that period he went to college in state instead of BYU or Ricks. He went to OSU, became in Engineer and makes over 100K now. So even though he waited to go to college he still made good.

All these kids went to the local schools, all the way from kindergarten through high school. They played football, basketball, soccer, danced, played viola, flute, were artists, and most of the ladies ended up working for a few years until their families started coming then they stayed at home for the most part.

I think that where a child goes to school does influence them but it doesn't make or break them. Their family life and morays, traditions, and teachings in that family is what gets them to college and to a better life.

There are two huge cons: your husband doesn't want to send him there and the school does not offer your son's sports.

Aire there no honors or advanced classes at the public school? My advice, since your husband refuses to budge, is to keep him in the public school and put him in advanced classes.

There are always good kids at all schools, just teach your son how to respond to inferences about his hotness, and tell him to hang around with kids like himself.

Or, look for charter schools in your area, which are free, public schools.

I don't think you should fight husband on this one, because from the sounds of it, he's dead set against it, and your marriage doesn't need this kind of financial stress.

Momma W. makes a great case. Reread her response.

How long has he been there? A few weeks?
I'd give it time.
My niece was horribly bullied in a very expensive, private, Christian school.
At the public high school? She thrived & excelled.

Your son is in a new school and doesn't have friends yet and that is probably the reason he is sad. My kids go to public school and while I know that stuff goes on because my daughter tells me I also know she has a great group of friends and I can assure you, not all kids do those things. He must find like minded kids. He should join after school activities and be active in the school. Like most things in life you get out of it what you put into it. Give the school a chance. The private school may not be much better.

I went to all private schools, Catholic college and put my children in public schools. They are perfectly acceptable and sorry but all these issues happen in both. I did a little gasp, now I know some people have no money issues but well nine hundred a month is definitely a lot of money to me. Since he is in eighth grade I would try not to worry about it. Have you actually discussed this with your child? By high school you will have a better take on what is going on.

Hi, Mom:
Are there any other public schools in your town?
When you wrote:
"I feel that my husband is pulling back for entirely selfish reasons and is using the excuse of the costs as a scape goat."

That's a symptom of a problem in your marriage, let alone the issues your son is having.

How about doing some more research with your husband and son, then come up with a solution that meets everyone's needs, including yours.

Good luck
D.

You can't afford it. That means it won't offer your son anything and will take away from the family as a whole. How is that any benefit at all? Your husband is right, not selfish.

You can't give everything you have in the world to your son. You have to think about the family unit. That's what your husband is doing.

Your son being exposed to foul language was bound to happen, sorry. Your son being exposed to what he's being exposed to all around? That can happen ANYWHERE. It's not special to public school.

I personally think that since you haven't given the current school even a full week nor have you given your son a chance to adjust and make friends nor have you given any of the students a chance to settle in and get out all of the excitement and novelty of cussing away from the parents they spent a summer around... you need to back away from your panic response.

Trust the son that you've been raising to adjust well. Trust him to make friends that are appropriate and good kids. Trust your son to do the right thing. Trust your parenting.

Kids in private school cuss, cut, and get raging cases of the horny just like kids in public school.