Husband Depressed

You do have a big problem.
Perhaps a close friend of relative can take him to a doctor if you can not pull it off.
B. v.O.

Okay, I have seen ALL the men in my life go through this kind of stuff.

My Dad and my ex deal with things very similarly. But, the fact that your husband says being around your kids 'depresses him' is quite the red flag.

With my ex it was a case of him feeling like his life was not productive and going nowhere. He refused to get help, and our relationship declined over the years.

With my Dad, he didn't believe in therapy and refused to talk to my Mom about it. But, here's what she did and it seemed to work. My Mom sat down, and one night at dinner with ALL of us, she told my Dad she loved him and was not going to give up on our family. But, she was also not going to let my sister and I miss out on life as kids. She told him that she would continue to plan vacations, family events and such and he was welcome to come but, that he would not be forced to participate. After a few times of missing out on stuff, and not being able to share things with us, he started coming again and getting back to his old self.

It may not be that easy with your hubby, but you have to keep up being the best Mommy your kids have, because you're the only one they have. If your husband refuses to get help or participate, then give him the option to sink or swim with the family.

I hope you guys can get through this, because it sucks when Dad is not apart of the fun.

Good Luck.
Deanna

How old is your Hubby? Middle-aged? Younger? Does he have single friends? There may be your answer.

Men...like to "feel" exciting and vital. Sometimes, once they have children... they feel like an old fart. Then they feel they are "boring" and their life is "boring" and that they do the SAME thing EVERYDAY. Some men simply CANNOT adjust well to having children AND the life-style changes it brings them.

Yet...many times, men don't really know that about themselves, nor do they like to explain their feelings, nor to feel "guilty" about it all, nor to be nagged about it.
YET, they need help and to be able to talk about it with their wife.

He may be depressed...or just going through a difficult time adjusting to his "new" life of kids..and in light of his age... and in light of his peers and their "exciting" lives.... and in light of what he sees on tv...and in light of what he thinks he wants to be doing... and in light of WHETHER OR NOT HIS 'DREAMS' AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS or ENDEAVORS are meeting his expectations. For men, these things are very important... and this is how they gauge their worthiness in life. If they don't have this... often times they feel useless or "bored" or yearning for something else.

For him, being around his kids "depresses" him. Well, at least he can be honest in saying that. BUT, this is a real red-flag in him needing help/counseling/a doctors visit.

He told you he needs more "adrenaline" in his life... ie: THIS MEANS HE IS BORED. Whether for legitimate reasons or not... he is being honest with you. And he sounds real frustrated.

The thing is, nobody can help him unless he helps himself...in a mature and constructive non-harmful way.

Does he get to go anything besides work,work,work? Does he have anything exciting he does like go out, or hobbies? How about he take up a new sport or something? Or take Parenting classes?

He seems to have lost the "joy" in life... his kids depress him... and he may resent them. Hopefully not.
This may just be the usual male-angst-middle age crises-the man wanting to be young again-and wanting more spontaneous things in his life....kind of thing.

Fine. BUT...HE HAS TO BE RESPONSIBLE for his attitude and his actions. It's not your fault, or the kids fault. And if he continues to have this attitude...what if he just leaves?
Go with him, to a Doctor... or do you have a good common friend in common that he can talk to?

He is either depressed, going through an age phase, going through a mid-age crises, going through a boredom within himself, or has not accomplished everything a "man" wants to accomplish by his age, or he just can't hack growing older and his kids remind him of that. ALSO, do you and he still have "fun" and go out on dates? Maybe he is missing that too...sometimes, once they have kids, a Man "misses" his wife and the things they used to do solo. Try and ask him how you can help him or for ideas about his life? He seems to be bored with his life.

He needs an outlet, some counseling, some responsible ways to handle the "rut" he is in now. AND, he has to learn to appreciate his children... instead of thinking of them as "limitations" or as "the reason for his boring life" kind of thing. He can't blame his children for that, nor his wife. His "attitude" needs adjusting. It all goes back to how comfortable one is in one's own skin, no matter what the life stage a person is in.

All the best,
Susan

He won't get help until he is ready.
I deal with that as well and my husband is bi-polar. The moods are sometimes crazy to deal with.

My opinion, I suggest you take care of you and your children, plan things and of course and invite him. If he choses to go great and if not, then go have fun with your children. I used to sit and watch my husband mope around, then gave up my life. I try not to do that anymore. I have found my own friends and make play days with my children (they are older). If he asks, help if not he is a big boy he can take care of himself.

Good luck.

Hi L.,
This is a different response to what you have received so far.. But here it goes. About 2 years ago my husband was feeling the exact same way sluggish all the time after work he would come home and just sit there it used to drive me crazy. Anyway we found this Holistic Doctor kind of skeptical at first but OMG the first thing he told him that is adrenal glands weren't in tact. He told him some other stuff but he recommended we buy some vitamins that would help kick start his adrenal glands again. And let me tell you I don't know if it was the Doctor confirming the problem or the pills but he turned into a different man and was done sitting around. We still go see the Doctor once a year for a tune up.If you are interested I can give you the Doctors info.
Best of Luck to you and your husband

I don't know your hubby, but I can sympathise with some of the things he's saying and have sometimes felt the same way, as I suspect many people do. I don't think it's depression. Kids are great, but it does change your life! If your not ready for that change (heck, even when you're ready) no one knows what to expect. Every child brings an opportunity AND a challenge. If you are constantly working and trying to get ahead (add travel on top of that)can be exhausting! You say you're 'very familiar' with depression, I don't have personal experience. I would say you can be depressed without having the disease. Could you're husband's frustration, when discussing the topic, come from your 'quick diagnosis' and not sharing similar frustrations in day to day life?? I know my hubby wouldn't go to a therapist in this situation, so suggestions...
Start from the inside, food. How would you rate his health? If he feels like he has no energy and travels he may need an overhaul of his diet. More fruits and veggies, no skipping breakfast,lighten up on take-out and sugary goodies. Do you cook for him? This could be something you do that you don't discuss and switch out on your own.
Does he exercise? You don't have to go all out and get a gym membership, but start an evening walk after dinner with the whole family. Or surprise him at night with your own athletic routine in your room :)
Date night? Do something fun together and sometimes he should just go out with the boys. What's he into? Sports? Have friends over for the big game,so he can socialize with adults.
The bottom line seems like he just needs to recharge his battery like we all do once in a while. You know best what he needs, but I hope this helps to encourage you too.
All the best! A.

I really hate to say this...and I know I dont know you or your husband or your typical life at home, etc. But, is he having an affair L.?
I would've put my life on it...that my husband, the father to my first born baby we so doted over at home at the time, was NOT having an affair. He WAS. It wasnt his only one either.

I'm sorry, and I truly hope I am so wrong,

Wendy

Does he feel as though he is second to the kids? Sometimes men get irked when they don't fell appreciated....

My husband started traveling long distances to work, too, and I noticed a big change in the quality of his interactions with the kids and with me. A lot of it had to do with the fact that he was bone tired and felt like we had a joyous life while he was doing a ton of gruntwork day in and day out.
He never verbally expressed this until I made a concentrated effort to make him feel more "special" for being the one who made the sacrifices to keep the family going.
Once he felt more understood and appreciated, things got a bit better. He is still really tired most of the time, but he seems less grouchy.

If your husband is depressed, I don't know what to tell you. There is no way to force him to get help, but perhaps you could go see someone on your own to get help with how to cope and help him. Maybe when he sees you are concerned and serious about it, he will realize that he needs to look at his behavior and how it is affecting the kids.

i just started taking this stuff called 5 HTP u can get it at Wholefoods...i also take something else called
"Chill Pill" also found at the health food stores...i think the 5HTP is really working i feel a lot happier...it boosts serotonin levels in the brain...maybe your husbands levels are low..they get lower as we age
try that out..he'd have to take one a day..i use the one by Solaray
good luck*

Depression is a serious disease. The best results for treatment include both medication and therapy. However, this has to be his choice. Telling him he's cranky and no fun, while true, probably won't motivate him. He needs to know that he can feel better, not for others, but for himself. Talk with his MD about your concerns. If there are members of his family or friends that could help you convince him enlist them. When you talk with him show only that you are concerned for his wellbeing. Tell him that there are ways that he can have more "adrenaline" and feel better. There may be reasons for your husbands depression, middle age, drug use, that he's having an affair, and people often turn to the latter when they are depressed. Take care of yourself and your children, it can be almost as difficult to live with someone with depression as it is to have it.

Hi L..
I can relate to your problem. My husband suffers bouts with depression at least once a year. There are huge depression issues on his side of the family so it is something I am constantly looking out for. We have two boys are selves an 8 year old and a two year old. This current year the stress of everything has been very overwhelming. When I see him starting to slide in his depressed state, I plan a boys night out opf something he enjoys to do and hasn't done in awhile like go cart racing. I stop negative conversations before they get to in depth and I up his excerise by doing things like family bike trip or beach day something for him to do that takes his mind off things as well as reminds of the fun things that goes along with being "super" dad.
I hope this helps

How old is Hubby? Midlife crisis??? Anyway, if you can get him to take some vit b that can help some of his depression and if he wont take it, make his meals rich in vit b. Let sunlight in your home, open the blinds and let the sun shine in. Take him for a walk if he will let you and even better, try to get some excercise going with him. As well, be sure he is drinking plenty of water. That is all I can think of as far as natural products that don't require him to go to the doctor. Look up depression and natural products on the web and see if there is anything else. Winter months as well as the holiday (and work) can be depressing especially in this economy.

Best of luck. Be sure to tell him how much you love him every day even if he is a pill.

C.

WOw, L., that's tough. I'm so sorry for you because it's hard enough just being a great mom to 3 little ones. I can't imagine also having to really look after a husband (in that way) too, during those years of kids being young. WHat I would say to you is not to try to talk to him directly about it because you've tried that and he won't have it. I would try, when he's home, to be extra supportive and nuturing towards him. You'd think that travelling for work would put that "adrenaline" in his life and he'd be happy to come home and rest and play with the kids. Hopefully you can begin to slowly find out why he feels this way. As I was reading what you wrote, I was thinking that you could perhaps have a regular weekly day of going out and doing something really fun with the kids and "dad" - something that helps connect him with them, whether it be the usual bowling, mini golf, Chuck E CHeese, etc. or just one-on-one time with each child and him each week where they just go and sit down somewhere together for a dessert. In other words, plan stuff that begins to connect them so he's more involved and can see how enriching it is to be that kind of dad. Just going to the park and playing catch, or flying kites, maybe even without you there. whatever it is that he likes to do most with them. I think it's going to take work, but when you and he both, begin to see something positive happening, it'll be so worth it. If it doesn't work at all, I'm sure you will need to try to convince him to go and talk with a professional, but just be as supportive and loving as you can. I do feel for you, and I hope & pray he will slowly come around - for your sake, for his sake and for your kids sake.
M. C.

Uhmmm, are you sure it is depression. I dont know. You might want to analyze him a little more. He should be happy when he arrives home after traveling. How is you relationship with him overall? And how many children do you have or their ages? Sometimes parents need a time out from their own children. You might want to spice up your sex life with you hubby. Perhaps some marriage counseling.

L., It is a tough situation and as you can see, we all really feel for you and for your husband - it's tough for him, too. You say that when you talk to him about his "mood" he becomes angry. What about talking to him about what specifically would provide more adrenaline in his life, and what specifically causes his depression when he is around the children? (Who can ever fully explain their moods?!?!) I encourage you not to step away from him at this critical moment. It is difficult for anyone to reach out, and in his own way, he is reaching out to you. Listen without forcing your solutions; help him find/try his own solutions. Sometimes we are so successful being these super moms who hold everything together and get everything done, the men in our lives begin to feel under-appreciated. This can lead them to find reasons not to participate in the daily life of their family - "why risk continuing to be a failure?" In order to support and nurture your husband, you first need to find out what support and nurturing mean to him - what does he really need from you? I hope the best for you, your husband, and your family. You certainly are on the right path in seeking out help in this situation. Don't try to go it alone. We all will be thinking of you each day, so do update us. Feel free to send a separate email if you wish. Love & Peace to you, B. C

Sounds more like jet lag and exhaustion

Hi L.,
I also travel for work, was a single mom and spent many weekends on the couch recouping after a week of travel.
Never mind that I stayed in a hotel and ate at a restaurant all week. You are out of routine and environment and you are mentally "ON" all the time to meet schedules, do work, answer questions, get to the airport on time etc.
Sounds like your husband needs down time after travel.
Check out the book called "Overcoming Jetlag". It might have some helpful info. I have been traveling about 12 years. About 5 years ago, I began to make changes to diet, increased how much water I drink while traveling, eat better food etc, take supplements and see a chiropractor for adjustments. It has helped tremendously.

HI L.-

Do you think your husband would be interested in getting some counseling or therapy?

I hope he feels better soon, I know that must be very hard on you.

Take care,
L.

HiLauren, you must get him to a MD, how about starting with a general physical, then a referral to a psychiratist. It sounds like he just needs a gentle nudge in that direction. Ask him if you can go with him, and then let him talk to the MD, you don't need to say anything. another offer to go to martial counseling to have some honest conversation too.
most likely he will be relieved to have some action on his feelings. Then really listen to him, and don't try to fix him (as women always try to do).
Deb

Hi, L.,

I sympathize with you. Your story sounds very similar to mine. My husband travels a lot, seems tired all the time, and seems depressed. I have experienced mild to severe depression for approximately 20 years (since my early 20s).

Here's what has not helped me: most one-on-one and couples' psychotherapy and antidepressants. My sister, a clinical psychologist, told me that (1) not all psychotherapists/psychologists are very skilled and no psychotherapist/psychologist is a perfect match for everybody, so it makes sense to keep looking until you find a therapist who feels like a good match, and
(2) antidepressants don't work for everybody.

Here's what has helped me: depression support groups. I've been in two, and I thought that both helped me, the first by helping me develop techniques to lessen the severity of my depression, especially when it was severe (major) and the second by helping me meet intelligent, compassionate people who became my friends. My sister suggested that I try Sam E (not sure how you spell the product), which can be found in vitamin stores and does not require a prescription.

Good luck to you and your family.

Lynne E

Hi L.,

It looks like you have received a lot of good advice already. If you have ever seen any of my other posts, I probably sound like a broken record. I don't care. This works for me. The best thing you can do for your husband is pray for him. Read The Power of a Praying Wife and pray diligently everyday for him. Praying for my husband with the help of this book has certainly turned my marriage around. I pray it does the same for yours.

God bless you!
M.

Sadly it sounds like your instincts might be right. If you could get him to go for some sort of therapy with a licensed psychiatrist/psychologist that would be great. If there is no chance of that perhaps you have a member of the clergy that can help?

Having said that, this must be super hard on you. Get yourself some help as well. Equipping yourself with more coping mechanisms will only make this easier for you to handle. Good luck!

Hi L.,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is depressed. I have a you tube video you should watch that gives a different viewpoint on depression and anti-depressants.
Send me a message if you want to talk about anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ8zBCSAxZE

Thanks,

M.

Dear L.,
I know this may sound silly but take your husband and the kids to go see the movie Marley and Me... It just came out. My husband and I go through battles just like all of us do with work,home,children,LIFE. We have been so edgie with each other this past month. Stress of holidays, money, and the coming of a New Year. We took our daughter and went to see this movie last night. The movie will make you laugh and cry... it has every aspect about life in it. We left feeling rejuvenated...it helps you realize that its not just your family that gets depressed it's EVERYONES! And wakes you up to appreciate the things that are most important in life. Don't laugh when he cries because he will.. I've never seen a movie where the whole audience couldn't hold back the tears. It's worth a try..LOL
Let me know how it goes.
R. Romero

do yourself and him new years present - take him to classical homeopath - do the research first, don't go to just anybody who "does" homeopathy. collect references etc. this may very well be the life-changing experience. homeopathy has powerful tools for this types of problems. They beauty of it is that you don’t have to give him his mood issue as the reason for visit. since homeopathic evaluation is very detailed, you can tell him it is for getting rid of some other health problem (dandruff, nail fungus, heartburn – you name it, whatever is the one he does have). You can even say it is for one of your children health condition – homeopaths frequently question parents to find the correct remedy for children. Call the homeopath first and explain that you have “reluctant” husband. During the appointment time classical homeopath will gradually get the whole “life story” from him and prescribe accordingly.
Good Luck!
V
V

Will he go to his doctor? I know that sometimes people are very hesitant to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist (what a shame)....but sometimes if they go to their physician- at least it's a start.

He has to decide that he's hurting so much that he wants to get help. It sounds like he already knows what you think- so bugging him won't help.