Husband at "Breaking Point" - Need Help!*EDIT*

Updated on May 15, 2008
H.S. asks from Gaithersburg, MD
8 answers

**EDIT TO ADD** -(I did nurse my daughter for 5 weeks, stopping in July 2007, I did have post partum depression and was put on Zoloft and that helped for a little bit)I'm completely ashamed that I'm even posting such question/information, but I need help and fast. Last night my husband said we needed to talk. So we talked and he said he was at his breaking point. He said that he can't help me anymore. He's extended his hand as far as it will go. And it's the truth. My husband has tolerated a lot from me. See, I don't love myself however I love and take care of everyone else around me. He said that I can't properly take care of our (10 days away from turning 1) daughter if I don't love myself. I have an extensive past that doesn't seem to disappear from my actions and mind. No matter how hard I try I seem to "mess things up". My husband and I have been together since 2000. We dated for 4 years before getting married in 2004. I checked online with my insurance company to find a therapist. I know I MUST see someone and talk with them. We don't communicate (my fault) because I don't have anything to say. I honestly don't. And he always asks me "Honey, what's wrong" and I reply "Nothing, I'm fine". Nothing is bothering me. Or if there is I'm not aware of anything bothering me. I don't want to lose my husband - NEVER, but I'm afraid I will. I'm good at pushing those that love me away because I didn't know love until I met this man. He's my second marriage. I was married at 18 because I thought the grass was greener on the other side and didn't want to obey my parents.
I am so hurt. And I know the alternative is a divorce which I NEVER EVER want. My husband sees so much potential in me but I don't. I have no hobbies, no goals. I just go day to day and "get by". He has a new job as a Network Engineer that he busted his tail to get. As soon as he found out in September 2006 that I was pregnant he began studying. He received his certification and began his new career just last week. He has many goals, hobbies and is quite active. I always find an excuse to stay at home away from people. I don't know why. And he said I'm using our daughter as a "crutch" to not work on my own issues. I guess those on the outside looking in know more than me. Can anyone assist me with shedding some advice in me saving my relationship with my husband? Oh and we're hardly intimate and that's all my fault too. It isn't that I don't find him attractive, it's that I have no libido. Not to mention I'm sure my hormones are all messed up as I haven't gotten a menstrual cycle since before I was pregnant (August 2006). And no, I'm not pregnant I am an OB/GYN triage nurse therefore I've tested many times to be sure I'm not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so sad that I'm going to lose the best thing that's ever happenened to me. And everyone around me says how good of a man I have and that he's a keeper. I know all of this, I just don't want to lose him. He's helped me so much to be who I am today, but I put up this wall so that I live in misery and he can't stand for that. You know the saying "misery loves company", so when I'm down I want him to wallow with me in my misery. Something must change, I've got to learn to accept and love myself because now he doesn't even believe me when I say the words "I love you". I'm devestated. *tears*
Thanks, Ladies.

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So What Happened?

So I have been going to therapy weekly and it's been REALLY helping. Three weeks ago my husband came for a session. Since then our lives have been MUCH better. He has a clear understanding of what I am dealing with mentally and physically (although he already knew because I have quite the intelligent husband). Things have been much better in the household and I am thrilled. He was at a breaking point and felt necessary to "get it out". I am so glad he's willing to work this out. I think I made it out to be more major than it was, only because when I heard the word "divorce" that freaked me out that I was about to lose someone very special due to my own problems that I seem to continue to place neatly on the back burner.
I am a work in progress and so is our marriage. Intimacy is back in action and that has helped as well. I never really realized how important intimacy was in a marriage and I am not talking just sex. Saying I love you, holding hands, hugging each other in the middle of a conversation, holding each other at night, laying on his chest to fall asleep - all of these have boosted our communication. I lack communication in a HUGE way. Not to mention self esteem issues out the whazoo! But he sees a lot of potential in me and we're going to continue to work on our marriage.
Marriage is no where near easy by any means and if anyone were to say that, then I'd tell them to their face they're fooling themselves. It definately takes two to make it work and it takes COMMUNICATION! It is nice to be able to write this out as I now know what is important and what isn't. The "little stuff" will each you up sometimes. But really - it just doesn't matter. My husband is an Engineer therefore he tends to over analyze things, which isn't a bad thing but to me, he's incredibly intelligent and can read me like a book.
I hope others can see that it can indeed work out. If you have a "breaking point" in your relationship/marriage, communication is most likely one of the key problems. Statistics state that most marriages end in divorce due to finances. I would not disagree however I would say communication is running close behind. If you don't discuss your future goals, desires with the one you love and married, you end up feeling like roommates. Working TOGETHER is key in a marriage. Of course there are times when you will do things on your own, but discussing how your day was, what you'd like from the grocery store, are you interested in seeing a movie, would you mind watching a T.V. show with me on the couch, would you like to bathe our daughter together - those types of things may appear petty and not important, but I am here to attest they are VERY important. And those very things are what's helping our marriage because I am ASKING him if he'd like to do things with me. Rather than me shutting him out and ASSUMING he isn't interested or doesn't care, etc. Asking for help, not assuming, communicating and expressing my love all have helped change myself and our marriage for the better.

I truly have an incredibly amazing husband. And I am glad I am working on these inner issues now before our daughter looks up to me as her role model only to see a disaster waiting to happen.

Thank you all who replied to my frantic post.
H.~

More Answers

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S.L.

answers from Washington DC on

H.,
You are not alone in your confusion, particularly where the post natal lack of libido is concerned, I am in the same boat. I don't think that the affect this has on a relationship can be underestimated. I have talked to my doctor about it, but as I am still nursing, have not found much help. She did offer a resource called the "woman's center" in DC, as far as a counselor and someone to talk too. You might look it up.

Aside from that, I think that becoming a first time parent is a whole new ball game and there is no play book. You may be doing a wonderful job at it and yet have to be your own worst critic, because unlike your professional job, there is no certain measure of success, it will have to come out in the was when your daughter is grown. The daily routine of mommying, altough pleasurable to many, is uncertain to professional women and also easily isolating. You have to have faith and believe that your work has purpose and you are there with your daughter for a reason. I find that the spiritual certainty that my husband and I enjoy is WHAT is keeping us together right now, as I have lost my job, my libido and my own professional ambition. You just have to believe in yourself and in god, say a prayer and don't think too hard and undermine your own success as a woman. Your husband is there for a reason.....

Marie

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J.B.

answers from Washington DC on

You, my friend, I would bet the farm, are clinically depressed. You need to get yourself not just a therapist but a psychiatrist, and (forgive me) possibly some medication. I speak from experience. I've been in your shoes. Show your husband my email because I know that you aren't capable of taking action to help yourself. Here's what I say to him:

Find your wife a doctor and physically take her there. If the doctor writes prescriptions, get them filled yourself and supervise that she takes the medication until things start to improve. It's very hard to understand the incapacitating feeling of depression unless you're experiencing it. You're right - she can't be the kind of mother that your daughter deserves - because she can't help herself. She needs you.

H., I urge you to do whatever you can to get help. I promise - I PROMISE - your life will get better and the tears will go away.

Good luck.

Jenny

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A.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Find a therapist that wil help you personally to get to where you want to go. Regardless of what happens with your husband, figure YOU out and the rest will come. It doesn't sound like you're completely without goals. You have become a nurse and that takes time and effort to achieve. You take care of your daughter, which is extremely time consuming and goal oriented since your goal is that she stays alive, eats and stays clean and dessed. So you do have something. Reach out a religious leader in your community or an elder or a therapist and ask your husband to come. You may not know what's wrong, but perhaps if you can show him that you're willing to do something, then he will stay long enough for you to work it out.

I wish you the best.
A.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I haven't read anyone else's advice yet, but I think you really need to get therapy and probably start on some sort of anti-depression medication. It is amazing how much your life can improve and change when you find the right therapist and right medication. Not everyone needs meds, and not everyone needs to take them forever (that was my fear when I started taking them once) but they can really help in the right situation and really help your thinking become clearer and improve your coping skills tremendously. Just from reading your post, I think you are very depressed, and you are hiding it with feelings of "numbness". When you are able to start truly feeling (with the the help of therapy, etc) I think things will truly improve with your life in general, and with your ability to relate to others, to communicate with your husband, etc, etc. Maybe you should show him your post so he can see how you are feeling inside, if you can't tell him verbally, or trying writing things down for him. Writing is sometimes much easier than talking. Good luck!

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A.F.

answers from Washington DC on

I would agree with Jennifer, you are depressed. Ask your OBGYN for some references and call them all and go see them all. You are asking for help which means you want to get better. If you had cancer, you would seek help, right? Think of yourself as being sick and needing to see a doctor. Tell your husband this is what you want to do and you need for him to be understanding when you have doctor's appts, etc. Good luck and please update us on your progress!!

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B.B.

answers from Washington DC on

As far as your interest in your husband, you don't say whether you are still (or ever) breastfeeding your child. It is very common for moms who are still breastfeeding to have not had their period since before pregnant when the baby is 1 year old. It is a hormonal thing.

Is it possible you are dealing with postpartum depression? Is this all more extreme than before you were pregnant?

It's good that you see that you need to talk with someone. The effort will be worth it. Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I'm sure this won't be easy for you to accept, but it sounds like you're suffering from depression. While I do not suffer from depression myself, I've spent the past 4 years helping my husband accept and learn to deal with his depression. As a nurse, I'm sure you understand that depression is a chemical imbalance, not just a deficiency in your personality. Medication can and really does help. Trust me.....I was ready to leave my husband 4 years ago when I decided to make one last ditch effort, which was insisting he get help. Long story short, he did go get help and has been on medication for the past several years. He's also gradually made many lifestyle changes and is finally seeming more like his old self. It's a long and difficult journey to address depression, but it's so worth it. My recommendation is to involve your husband in your treatment plan so he can have some understanding of what you're going through and so that he can learn to watch for warning signs of setbacks, side effects of medication, etc. If you guys tackle it together, it will only make your marriage stronger. Good luck and feel free to get in touch with me if you need more information.

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

You need a good counselor pronto to help you understand why you build these walls. It sounds like something happened in your youth that left you feeling unsafe and needing to protect yourself. Counseling may be really hard, but hopefully your husband will help you through it, not leave you.

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