Husband and Wife W/ Different Ideas of Parenting

It is time to flip the script or do something different.

It is time for you to take the next two weeks off. Find something you can do each night for the next two work weeks. Make some excuse you can use to give your husband the responsibility of taking care of the kids without any help over the next two weeks. He should be cooking, cleaning, etc. all of the things you do he should do. Don't critique any of the things he does around the house or with the kids. Get your break and let him be more responsible. Perhaps at some point toward the end of this exercise he may come to appreciate all you do and change some of his ways.

He needs more hands on and you need less hands on.

Here are some suggestions I would use to get some help: possible injury to back, hands or arms which would prevent you from accomplishing household tasks, some special project at work, get involved in some outside the house groups or organizations and attend two weeks of their everything, or any other thing like that which would keep you engaged for two weeks.

Give it a try and see what happens. Counseling or parenting classes will also help if he is willing to take them. If not, life is a great teacher.

Dear J.,
Reading your piece, I could only imagine how frustrated you must be. My reaction from what you said is that it sounds as though your husband wants to be a "friend" first, and parenting is in second place. In other words, he wants the children to love and accept him, and his way of acheiving this is by giving them want they want. This is a mistake made by many parents. In the long run, it only causes animosity by all involved.
As I'm sure you understand, it is important to be a strong parent first. From that, respect evolves, and friendship develops. As I always say, "Discipline is Love", and kids know it.
Before I continue, may I ask if you have ever confided in him on his upbringing? Perhaps his parents were so extremely strict that he finds this a fault. Or were they so lax with discipline that he finds no fault letting them have their way. I would start there if I were you. Start a discussion on how the 2 of you were brought up, what did you find good, what faults did you find in your own parents. (Hey, none of us are perfect parents.)
My husband and I did this, and we used it as a learning tool; a staring point on parenting. As the children grew up, we discussed every situation that arose: this is what happened, this is how I handled it, what do you think, that was good, or you might have done this. It was the best communication of our 30-year marriage, how we dealt with kids.
We never allowed our kids to have the amenities other kids had: Nintendo, computer games; we didn't even have cable TV in our area. But we had 7 acres of land, a large house, and lots of food. Friends were always welcomed.
Our children are now 25 and 23, and they are 2 of our best friends. Why? Because we slowly reliquished our role as parent to role as friend and confidant. But even at this age, you are still parent - sometimes.
And guess what? Our kids tell us now what wonderful parents we were when we deprived them of all their amenities. Just goes to show you what perserverence can do.
Hang in there.
Sincerely, W.

One way to approach this is to wait until you are not in the heat of the moment. Set up a time with your husband (not an ambush) to sit and write out rules and consequences for the children, a game plan by which both parents will abide. This way, neither of you have to figure out what to do on the fly when a child breaks a rule and the children will have the consistency they need to follow the rules and behave not just at home but at school as well.

My story: My husband has similar tendencies to your husband. My husband is an only child who himself was spoiled. He doesn't understand that just because we have the means to give our child something doesn't mean we should. If the boy never has to work for anything, he won't learn how to solve problems on his own and he will learn to whine and cry for what he wants.

Which is exactly what happened.

When Noah entered kindergarten he started to have problems in school for the first time. He cried a lot, trying to get his way. He acted like an immature child for his grade, and my husband had to deal with the school. He suddenly understood how doing everything for our son and giving him whatever he wanted had actually left our son unprepared for the independence required in kindergarten. It was much harder at that point to pull away without our son feeling hurt, but it was something that had to be done. We basically had to train him to learn to deal with disappointment and change and to be more independent and he's adjusting beautifully this year. Tell your husband that you need to build these skills now because when he gets to school it could be a bigger problem. My son was made fun of for always crying, other kids notice those things. Intervene early.

If you sit down together and come up with a consistent set of rules and consequences, it will be easier and less judgmental to point out when the rules aren't being followed by either parent, much less the child. It's not about attacking him but about consistency for the child. Use statements like "I notice that our son responds best when we both do x, y, or z. Let's make a rule that he should do "a" and if he does not then "b" will be the consequence." See if that is something he would agree to. Keep it neutral though, and focused on what is best for the children and not a chance to point a finger and say "you do this this and this and it's driving me crazy." Keep it positive and focused on consistency and not blame.

Hope that helps.

You are in a tough spot here. I haven't gone through this, primarily b/c I am a child psychologist so my husband defers to me 100%, which is tough as well. Seriously, I have degrees, but am not a magician or clairvoyant!

Here are my thoughts- I would suggest getting a sitter one or two nights a month and going out alone with your husband. Even if you "trade nights" with a friend or neighbor, it sounds like the two of you need to reconnect as husband and wife. You can't talk about important parenting issues if you are angry with eachother all the time. It sounds as though you are both quite angry and frustrated.

Pointing out to him what he's doing "wrong" isn't going to get you anywhere, as it has not to this point. Point-out to him when he does things that result in a positive outcome. I found this very powerful with my husband. He now does the bedtime routine- jammies, cup of milk, story- because I made a big deal out of how much easier our son goes to bed when he's had his daddy time. I didn't mention the fact that the binky was involved b/c bottom line, behavior doesn't change overnight.

After you have a chance to reconnect in a more positive way without your children around, be honest with him about how you feel. Don't put blame on him b/c he will tune you out. Talk about the confusion the kids are experiencing b/c they are getting two different messages.

Please try not to nag- it will only make the situation worse. Really, reconnect as a pair and see where that takes you. My husband and I get dressed up (meaning that I blow-dry my hair) and go out for a night. The $$ of dinner or just drinks is worth feeling like a couple again and it reminds us of why we have a little one at home!

If you are so angry with your husband that you are contemplating leaving him then he needs to know that. First, I would approach him saying that you are probably both fed up with the fights and communication problems and that you would like to try professional counseling so that you can both get some tips and help on how to communicate and be better parents and partners. If he gets defensive and says no, then it's time to tell him that things are so bad you are contemplating separation.

A good book is Non Violent Communication.

Dear J.,

just letting your husband do what he wants is not an option and if you leave him, he will have visitation rights and will be able to spoil your son entire weekends without any of your interference. I also think that you must be very good with your son, because he obeys you when he is alone with you.

I think you have to take this away from being a battle between you and your husband. One idea could be to have him agree to watch a few episodes of Supernanny with him. When you watch them, explain to him that you are frightened that your son will end up like some of these kids there. Point out to him how unhappy these tantruming, unobeying, violent kids and that you don't want that for your son. You could also videotape your bed time routine when he is not there (every regular digital camera has a video option these days). If all he wants is peace and quiet then this could show him that your way is much easier and more relaxed and quicker!

Dear J., Your husband should know that he is not doing a good thing by spoiling the children. The day will come when no one will want to be with them. Life does not say "yes" all the time, so neither should parents. Our job is to prepare our children for their future. I pray you can get through to him. Grandma Mary

Hi J.,

What a frustrating situation! And your concerns about how the kids will grow up to behave is very founded.

At this point, he doesn't hear anything you're saying, because of all the baggage between the two of you on this issue. Everything you say about his parenting, even said in the calmest way possible, will raise up his defenses and the feeling that you are criticizing him, so I don't think there is anything you can do directly. In my opinion, this is a situation where you can't do anything directly anymore, everything you say, no matter how thoughtful and calm, will raise his hackles.

I see three options:

Talk to your husband as to why he does this, not to accuse, but to truly understand. Your husband is probably just thinking of the now, and short-term peace, maybe even wants to be the good guy, the friend to your kids, and is not considering what his parenting style will result in when the children are older. It may also be a reaction to how he was raised. Maybe, if he was raised by very strict parents and suffered under their rule, he wants to make sure he doesn't inflict that to his children - or he's been raised in just as permissive an environment, and that's what's natural to him.

Watching Supernanny together is another option that can open his eyes to the consequences of his behavior,

Or get outside help, either from a friend whose opinion he respects (and who comes in his or her own name, not as an envoy for you, or he won't listen to him/her anymore than to you) or a professional - even marriage counselor could help in this, and might be less accusatory to him than a child specialist - or maybe not, you know him best.

Good luck and a big, big hug!
K.

Hey J.,
It sounds to me that your hubby wants quiet at any cost. That is so bad to give in to a child. He needs to know that what he is doing is not helping but harming him. Maybe you can get books on parenting and read some of it to your hubby. Or better yet, I was thinking of Dr. Phil, he does give some good advice. I know it's overwhelming when our hubbies don't respect our wishes. Can your child be manipulating his dad. Kids learn at a very early age to pull the strings. it's hard to love someone that is that way. Keep trying don't give up. Remember why you got married in the first place.

Pick a Saturday. Tell your husband you really need some alone time to regroup and relax. Ask him to watch the kids for the day and leave him a list of groceries. Tell him to bring the kids to the store with him. Ask him to do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, have the kids bathed and ready for bed and have dinner ready by the time you get home. Even if he gives into their every desire, it won't be easy- he will still have to get things done and deal with the kids. When he sees how hard it is... maybe he will recognize that keeping things organized, and setting limits, is the best way raise your kids, for everyones well being.

Hi J.
I agree with the things the others have posted (except NAN.) Esp. Heather. I also think a "date night" for you and your husband would be great. Let the two of you reconnect. My husband had this problem to a lesser degree, but non the less frustrating! What worked for me? When he finally saw the outcome of his doings! When he saw what a brat he was turning our child into he woke up. He was the same way...just wanted the short term peace. When he started to see the long term concequences he realized he had to stop. I think it's a good idea to leave him alone with your son for a while. That might help. I really hope it doesn't come down to having to leave your husband, but I do know how frustrated you are. My husband felt like he was being attacked, and everything he did was wrong in my eyes too. He didn't have such a great childhood, so I understand he wants better for his kids. He just needed to see that he was going about it the wrong way. I really hope it works out for you. Please let us know, and feel free to message me if you need to vent!

Hi mom

Not good what your husband is doing to the children.
Seek professional advise immediately.If we don't dicepline our children, we are loosing alot, in our home and community.

Please try

I am going to disagree with most of the post here and probably with you. Children are very discerning and learn quickly what they can and cannot do with different adults. Your son behaves well for you so he knows the right thing, but enjoys daddy time and his little treats. It won't turn him into a monster and I think you should ignore it. What is wrong with playing with raw pasta? In kindergarten the kids make projects with raw pasta. Im thinking your son has tantrums because he senses the tension between his parents and is playing it up. I think the "serious communication issues" you are having is because YOU are not getting your own way. Lighten up. Relax and enjoy watching your 2 men bond and have a good time. When DS has his tantrums let DH deal with them, leave the room and dont nag or say "I told you so." It is your husband's child also and he needs to feel he is part of the boy's life without your supervision.
You should be happy he takes an interest in his kids and isn't hanging out in bars. If you dont lighten up it will come to that or worse.

It sounds like you've got the answer to your own problem it sounds like your three year old respects you and not your husband so your husband will have to deal with the consequences I say go out for a few nights let him handle the behavior he's created then if he doesn't mind it say than from now on you can handle it because I have not raised my son to be this way and be respects me kids want boundaries. I have dealt with this same situation with my father n law and all of a sudden now when he's spending more time with my son and sees how he behaves after he stuffs his mouth with five donut holes and chocolate milk does he realize maybe I'm right when I say not to let him have everything he wants. But you see it only seemed to matter when he was being effected by his behavior not when I was.
Good luck!
From H.

Hi J., sorry to hear what you are going through. My hesband struggle with this to a much lesser degree, so I don't have much to offer, but, here goes. I found that what helps is watching "Supernanny" toether. He finds it oddly fascinating but he is paying attention to what she is saying. I also allow him to spend a whole day with our son, sun up to bedtime. When he realizes how much all that sugar and no rules does to helping a child go to bed, he may think differently and have a greater appreciation for all that you do.

I would suggest counselling and parenting classes. Your husband has confused being a father with being a fun uncle. It's okay to do those things with the kids when they visit you for an occasional weekend, but your husband forgets that he is raising children who will end up as they are raised. If soda is a problem, then don't buy it, get it out of the house. Get the family involved, too, if you can. Maybe if he hears it from other people that what he's doing is ridiculous and that it will cause him serious problems later on - like in school, like when he doesn't listen to either of you when he is a teenager and making his own decisions - he will realize that he is in the wrong. When he parents in this way, don't be afraid to be the authority and say NO. Even if you must do it in front of your son and tell your husband that he is wrong and why your son must stay in bed or not play with food or have no soda. Take a stand and get your husband some education on parenting. If he wants to be a weekend dad or fun uncle, then he shouldn't be raising the kids.
Good luck.