Post pulled. A mistake to post.
It's no one's fault when two people have personalities that don't click. That happens.
However, only one of the people in this situation is a child, and the adult should step up and act like a grown up, and not hold childish grudges against his teen child when she behaves like a typical teen.
While it may be normal for teens to be moody, there is never an excuse for disrespect and when it happens in my home we punish for it. If she can not be respectful to her father then, if she was my daughter, she would lose her phone/internet/computer until she learned to behave towards him with respect. By not supporting him in this you are telling her that it is okay for her to disrespect her father. I get that he may not be the best dad ever, and he may not know how to engage with her well, but kids still need to treat their parents with respect.
I don't think this is an issue where one person is at fault, they are both at fault, but one is the parent and one is the child, and it is never okay for a child to disrespect the parent.
Read through your prior posts.
I am guessing he is still drinking? Or is he a dry drunk?
I think that is why your daughter stays away from him. I bet that is also why you are resentful.
No books are going to help until you address this problem for real. Please start going to Alanon and find meetings that have Alateen so she gets some support.
Please contact a licensed therapist certified in addictions and start treatment on your own, as a family or with your kids. It will not get better until he is ACTIVELY sober or you leave.
Best of luck to you
ETA: I'm glad you can admit he has a drinking problem, but here is the thing.... Alcoholism is a family disease. Everyone in the family gets the disease even if they are not drinking. I understand that your daughter may have teen moodiness but her moodiness is only exacerbated by his long standing pattern of drinking and his behavior from drinking.
Even if he doesn't go to counseling, YOU AND THE KIDS need to see a licensed therapist with certification in addictions. He is the weakest link, and putting the entire solution on him to stop drinking is setting YOU ALL up for failure. YOU ALL need to be a part of the solution because indirectly you are part of the problem. Please take this step. Update us on the journey to family sobriety.
ETA2: Thank you for additional information on your daughter. She is the classic 'family hero' of the alcoholic family system. She is trying to bring 'high self esteem' to the family that is so weighed down by her fathers drinking. She is getting angry at him bc it is not working. Please do not write this off as typical teen behavior. I don't say this to hurt you, but she is showing you her disease.
Wishing you all the support you need, clarity, and strength. You can do this Mama!
{{hugs}}
Claudia Black is a good author about the dynamics of alcoholism
In our home we are allowed to say, "I am not in a good mood".
"I am tired and am going to my room for the rest of the night".
"Please do not poke at me, I am not up for that today."
We have learned that no one is in a good mood every day all day long.
And just because a person walks into the house does not mean if we are not thrilled and hugging laughing and singing their praises that it has anything to do with that person.
We are humans and we realize this.
We do use our words with each other. We can be polite, but we cannot force others to be in a better mood.
Your description of your daughter says nothing about her character It is all her outward appearances and expectations. Very interesting.
Is she kind? Is she honest? Is she sensitive? Is she creative? Is she a good friend?
This is the part that answers your question. " I believe that the underlying issue is my husband's disinterest in his kids. He has become (or always was) extremely self-centered and absorbed. In a nut shell " -----Well I guess so! Who could be thrilled if this is who walks through the door? No ONE can be expected to be enthusiastic about a person like this, even if he is the parent.
Are you better with him or without him?
Is he hurting your daughter?
I feel like something does not seem right, in just a few years she will be leaving for college, make sure she is prepared to speak up for herself if others treat her the way her father treats her. This is not considered normal parental behaviors. She is avoiding him for a reason.
Check this book out from your local library. Or buy it. Either way, please, both you and your husband should read it: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/00607...
I don't think this is anyone's "fault" and I don't think assigning blame is helpful. I don't think the underlying issue is his disinterest, being self centered or absorbed (your mentioning this sounds like you have some underlying animosity that needs to be addressed). I think it's simply that you, your husband and daughter don't know how to connect. This isn't just "his" battle. When you're family, you're in it together. As to your question: It's a common issue when parents don't learn how to connect and communicate WITH their kids instead of AT them.
ETA: It sounds to me like you two need couples counseling. There's a distinct lack of respectful communication toward one another...both in his avoidance and retreating, and your "self absorbed" commentary. This should be an issue that you talk through and make a plan to tackle together. To me, it sounds like you're not giving him the opportunity to be a part of the "Let's make a plan together and work to fix this" conversation. You're making the plan and insisting that he get on board because you apparently know what's best for everyone involved.
It's time to talk with your husband like your peer and partner instead of like he's another one of the kids who is too selfish and stubborn to know anything. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I sure wouldn't want to be handed a parenting book that was "dumbed down" with highlights like I can't handle a BOOK.
Hon, you married this man and had kids with him. You've been married a long while. He's still the man you loved and respected on your wedding day...don't forget that.
ETA2: Your daughter sounds lovely. How about some good things about your husband too? I agree with Lori...EVERYONE deserves respect in the home, but it's hard to teach your daughter respect if you aren't modeling it in your marriage.
ETA3: Yes, yes, I'm "a little hard on you." The thing is, sometimes we need a little hard truth to remind us that the we aren't the center of the universe. The fact that you speak negatively about your husband to people outside of your marriage says that you need to get together and realign your goals.
I have a 15 year old daughter who can change moods quickly sometimes. I can tell you this, if she speaks or behaves disrespectfully to her father, brother or I, I will call her out on it in a New York minute. In our home everyone deserves respect and a peaceful environment. You do not do her any favors by hoping it will pass and staying out of her way. Have you ever worked with people you've had to walk on egg shells around? No fun and I refuse to raise a person to be that. If she's having a hard day or hard time that's understandable. She can play her guitar, be in her room for 30 mins, talk to someone or journal. If you have a bad few minutes that's understandable. If you make it a bad day, that's a choice you've made.
If my daughter is disrespectful or speaks in a disrespectful manner I will ask her to rephrase it because I know she doesn't mean to come off as she is. That allows her to self correct and that I know she's capable of behaving better. I believe the best of her and I expect her to live up to it.
Sorry, I wouldn't tolerate disrespect period. Not to me and especially not her dad or brother. I would step in with a mighty big step. That doesn't mean you're over seeing her relationship. By allowing her to be disrespectful to her dad you're condoning it.
Blessings!
L.
How DARE one parent back up a bratty teen over the other parent. How does the fact that your daughter knits mitigate her crappy behavior?
When your daughter isn't pleasant you should ALWAYS back up your husband.
It doesn't matter if your husband has a drinking problem, or whatever, you are parenting your daughter, and she has no excuse for behaving unpleasantly. It is your job as her mother to teach her to be polite, not to allow her to be moody and snip at people.
Even if your husband is disinterested in her, it is your job to parent her properly. Two wrongs don't make a right. If she wants to spend time with her father, then she should approach him and say "Dad, I want to spend time with you," or "Dad, I wish you wouldn't drink so much," instead of acting bratty.
So as far as that goes, I agree with your husband. Both parents should unite to tell the child to knock off the unpleasantness.
Being slightly moody and withdrawn can be ignored, but outright rudeness should be addressed. Why isn't scolding her when she doesn't behave useful? What, we should tiptoe around bratty teens? Apparently that's what you do, and then you are fine as long as she apologizes to you, but not to her father.
Your husband's drinking is another problem. But back him up when your daughter acts like a brat. "Suzy, cut it out, you are acting disrespectful and unpleasant."
I have seen unpleasant teens drive many marriages to the brink of divorce. They can also drive people to drink. Stop it now.
i don't know, since the post is pulled.
but i do know that looking to place the blame on someone is a sure-fire way to prolong the dysfunction.
and if a teenager is being difficult and disrespectful, the problems lie way further back. if 'blame' must be placed between a parent and a child, it's kinda wack to lay it on the kid's doorstep. she didn't raise herself.
khairete
S.
"Christy Lee: I gave my husband a great book - Parently a Teen Girl - with sections highlighted to enaure that he could read it quickly. He never read it." Seriously? So do you think if he gave you a book called, "So you are a Bossy Overbearing Woman, How to Communicate with Men" with the passages he felt you should read highlighted you wouldn't be offended and perhaps not want to read it?
Maybe you would read the first passage and lose your nut?
Are you really that passive aggressive that you convinced yourself the act of getting him that book wasn't meant to be an insult? Sorry, my husband is amazing and would never pull something like that but if he did he would need a proctologist to find that book next time he wanted to reference it.
Perhaps your daughter treats her father disrespectfully because she sees you doing it every day.
I would probably be a little more compassionate if just about every question you post wasn't about how no one lives up to your expectations. That you are perfect and everyone has failed you. I would imagine you are an exhausting woman to be married to. I don't think it would make me drink but I not about to judge your husband's coping technique.
I agree with Lori H. Julie S. and B.
I have zero tolerance for disrespect in my house and yes, that includes terse, bratty, one-word answers. Your husband is providing for you and your daughter. The very least you both can do is show him some respect.
I am thinking it is time for the whole family to get help with a professional who specializes in addictions. Your husband needs to work a program and the rest of the family needs help examining the impact of all this on them and to figure out how to break the toxic patterns they too are engaged in. You and your daughter are in a huddle in relation to your husband. These types of huddles, although might feel good to the parent, can be so damaging to kids. Please get help Mama to sort this out. Your daughter needs a healthier way to establish boundaries instead of being dismissive and snarky to her dad. That serves no one and is a symptom of bigger problems: addiction, the marriage is on the rocks, and your daughter is in the middle.
If Elayne is right and he's an alcoholic, there is much more afoot than a moody teen. I agree that your family would benefit from therapy dealing with that problem.
Mom of 3 girls who are now adults here. The teen years are like walking through a minefield where one wrong step proves to be a disaster. However as a part of a family you don't get to treat others in the family poorly. She wouldn't think of giving a 1 word answer to a teacher at school and she shouldn't be doing it with her father or you.
The fact that you let her treat you poorly and then accept her apology every single time has created a pattern where she gets to be an awful human being and you give her a pass. Let her try that one on her boss 10 yrs from now and see how long she's got a job. Manners are not an option in life so stop treating her with kid gloves and back your husband on this.
Also admitting you have a drinking problem and actually doing something about it are 2 different things. I've watch someone very close to me almost lose his family due to his drinking. He finally stopped but a lot of damage has already been done with trust lost. If this is really a problem and not something you threw in to make your daughter look less awful then you and she need to go to therapy to figure out what you both want to do if his behavior continues.
(Some people are being a little hard on you IMO.) I'm not there yet but I got along very well with my dad as a teen. And I was just talking to a coworker who also has been very close to his teen daughter. So I don't think it's universal. I also have a BIL who travels a ton and isn't a hands on father at all. Yet his teen girls aren't bratty to him. No way would that fly in their house. So I think this is both your daughter's and your husband's fault. I was a pretty moody teen in hindsight and shy but I wasn't disrespectful to my dad very often. Likely this is circular - why would your husband want to make an effort if your daughter is always snotty to him? Of course he should as her dad but she certainly isn't helping. And why would she feels he cares if he always is off on his own? So you likely need to work on both of them. I do think you should back up your husband when she is unpleasant though. It's not a good way to be. And if he sees you on his side some, hopefully he will be more willing to make an effort. Not sure why giving him a book is so horrible... Lots of people use parenting books. But if you're posing this to him as all his fault, I can see him being defensive. Is there any shared interest? My dad and I were close I think bc he'd take me to practice sports.
He needs to get to know her and develop a better relationship with her. He can do this by simply spending time with her. Tell him to take her out for ice cream, ask her about her day, her classes, her friend and really listen.
The teen years are really hard. The best thing he can do is be her dad. Really be there for her. Let her know that he loves her and always has her back.
He needs to reach out to her and work towards a better relationship.
You cannot fix the relationship between your husband and your daughter - it is up to them to fix it if they want to. Doesn't sound like he really wants a relationship with her - he just wants to feel like she likes him - for HIS sake, not hers. If he wanted a relationship with her, he'd carve out time to spend with her to foster a relationship. Nothing short of that is going to have any impact. I think you need to tell him to either make time to forge a relationship with her or shut the he!! up!
You could b describing my daughter and husband. I actually had someone ask if he was her step dad. My daughter is on the cross country team, also did track this past spring. She is a straight A student. But she is also a very emotional person. When she hears something that sounds negative, she lashes out. She does not mean to be disrespectful but she does not think before she speaks. Neither does my husband. They are very VERY much alike. My husband does not really do anything with them either. And he has kicked her out of the house several times. The last time was about a month or so ago. I was able to text with her and get her to calm a bit and not hurt herself. She spent the night at her boyfriend's grandma's house. He thought she was sleeping when he got home. In the morning, I told him she was coming home and he was to leave her alone. He was surprised she wasn;t home. Ugh. They are both at fault and need to work on their relationship. And he cannot expect you to buffer every single time.
If your husband is an alcoholic then that's the first thing that needs to be worked on. As parents, if we don't take care of ourselves then we can't take care of our kids.
Wow - sounds like a lot of communication problems all around.
15 years old is tough. They're learning to be independent, but they aren't yet. THey are hormonal and enduring peer pressures, someone's always pushing them about college, the school work gets harder. That said, someone is paying for her food, activities, clothes, cell phone, iPad, laptop and chauffeuring around and will. presumably, be in charge of getting her a driver's license and lending her the keys to the family car (for which there will be a sharp rise in insurance).
Your husband wants to work long hours, come home late, and then go watch TV? He has a long-standing disinterest in the children and is self-centered? Meantime you're supposed to fight his battles? You even pre-read a book and highlighted what you wanted him to do - sort of like a kid's assignment - and he couldn't be bothered? He is the role model for men in her life, and your interaction with him is her model for how to carry on a lifelong relationship.
You deal with her by ignoring her behavior, then she comes to you and apologizes, but she doesn't really mean it because she resorts back to the same behavior over and over again?
I think it's clear that the style of interaction isn't working for anyone. Basically no one has to talk to anyone, and no one is responsible for their own behavior. Everyone just wants the problems to go away, so they avoid and isolate. I think honestly some professional help for everyone is essential or this teen is going to be choosing someone who ignores her for his own interests, and she'll think that's what way things are supposed to be.
